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But see, I don't know if that comforts me that he wanted to tell me he didn't want to go because what if he's not able to rest in peace because he couldn't tell me he wanted to stay, but couldn't???

Last night I was reading on the Loss of a Parent forum here because my dad passed away three weeks before my husband. Anyway, the topic was about a mom who right before she passed, had a smile on her face. The thread continued with different persons' theories. One of them said something about people witnessing tears from their unresponsive loved ones right before they died. This brought a memory of my husband who had a massive brain bleed and was unresponsive for three days. I remember many times wiping what I thought were just his eyes watering, but now all I can think is that he didn't want to leave us, but couldn't tell us and he was crying. This is breaking my heart. What if he heard me talking and wanted to tell me he didn't want to go??? My tears won't stop now

Amz, I have heard the more time passes since your loved one has passed that the happy memories will replace the painful ones. It's only been about 6 months since my dad passed, so I'm still working on that. I'm happy that you are feeling at peace now. Love and hugs, Pam

Novi, once again I find myself so touched by your words. I was 52 when my dad passed this June and I know how my heart broke, so I can't fathom how much pain you have experienced during your life. I send hugs to you. Love, Pam

This is also my first holiday season since my Harv left me. I woke up during the night several times biting my lip, so hard it hurt like hell. We had thanksgiving Sunday with Harv's family and when I pulled up to my mother in law's house. I broke down sobbing. Then one of his uncles said the blessing and he thanked God for the blessings of this past year. It took all I had not to scream- what freakin blessings?? But, I remembered our precious grandson was a blessing. I am thinking of you all as I know our hearts are all having moments of unbearable pain during this time. Love and peace to you all, Pam

I understand also. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way. Love, Pam

Debbie, I hear you. I'm sorry I don't have any "nuts and bolts" for you. I'm fumbling thru this as you are. My husband died July 4th, 2011. I have pretty good days and I have days that I can't bear to think about a future without Harv. I kinda think that's how it goes until the pain becomes like a dull pain instead of that sharp unrelenting pain. Just know I am thinking of you today.

Harry, you may never know who your story has helped. Perhaps a friend of a friend of a friend who read one of the many things that were sent out. I understand today was a very sucky day for you and I'm thinking of you with much concern and hopes of a little peace creeping in perhaps tomorrow. Love, Pam

Novi, so sorry to hear of your mom passing. I will be thinking of you and try to get some rest so you can make it thru the coming days. Love, Pam

Hmm, I think I'll try the raisins in gin too! I don't have any medical problems warranting that, but, raisins are good for you. Right??? ; )

Novi, as a mother, my heart breaks for you and your brother. I will send up thoughts of love and comfort to you all. Please stay in touch. I promise, we all care and there will be a warm collection of hugs sent your way. Love, Pam

Hello nobodys sweetie, awww, I bet you are still your husband's sweetie! I lost my husband of 34 years on July 4th, 2011. I had also lost my dad just 3 weeks prior to that. Our first grandbaby was born 24 days after my Harv passed and he was about 3 weeks premature and had to be in the NICU for 5 days. At that time, I felt I was about to lose it, couldn't bear anymore pain. We all made it thru and my grandson is a healthy, happy 3 month old now. I am so sorry you felt ignored at first, and I'm sorry you are having to join the club that nobody wants to belong to. I will be thinking of you and hoping no more bad things happen for awhile! Love and peace, Pam

Dave, my thoughts are with you today. I hope you have a peace-filled day. Love, Pam

Kayc, I am sincere when I say thank you. I was having a moment of self pity and didn't think about how it would affect my sons and grandchildren. When I tell people who recently join our "family" that there are people who have wisdom to share, you are one of whom I'm speaking of. I wish for you that you didn't have this wisdom to share. Love, Pam

Ken, I'm so sorry for your recent loss. I lost my husband of 34 years on July 4th, 2011. I,too, still avoid some things because it is too painful. This is a wonderful group of people, many of whom have much wisdom to pass on. I hope you find some peace in this moment. Love, Pam

Before I say this, I will say- I know it's stupid, but everytime I think about quitting, I think " but, I could join Harv if i do become ill with many of the health problems associated with smoking. I have my two sons and my grandson to live for. I just miss him so much, sometimes it feels unbearable. Pam

Deb, just wanted you to know I've been thinking of you today. Hope you find some peace and comfort in your memories of past Halloweens. Love, Pam

We were young(I graduated from high school 2 weeks prior) and poor when we got married and Harv had just started working for Ma Bell, our honeymoon was camping and canoeing down the Illinois River, even better, we took Harv's younger brother(he was my age) and two other buddies. I used to be embarrassed to tell people that. Not now. Harv used to tell people that was the guys annual river trip and they just invited me ; ) he made up for it after the kids grew up and left home. We took many trips and our 25th anniversary was to Costa Rica. I have a while before our anniversary(May 27th) but am already dreading it. Love, Pam

Dave, just wanted you to know, I've been thinking of you and hope you are feeling better(for now) your rose is beautiful, I'm so envious when you write about your flowers, Oklahoma has been in such a drought, I didn't plant anything this year. Love, Pam

Happy Birthday, and break a leg tomorrow! Love, Pam

Dear Bob, I lost my husband of 34 years a little over 3 months ago, so I don't have any advice. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are having to experience this. This is a wonderful group of people that have helped me through some tough times. I hope you have some peace today. Love, Pam

Becky, someone on this forum recently wrote about how we all have so much in common. I, too, am dreading the start of basketball season, especially March Madness. We loved to watch the games, our Oklahoma women's team has been a lot of fun to watch these past several years. We also loved watching our Sooners play football also. I just don't care to watch this season. Sometimes I wish we all lived closer to one another, can you imagine the support and and warmth we would get from each other? I hope you have some peace this evening. Love, Pam

Debbie, I so understand about being lonely when you're surrounded by people. In Sept. my family got together for my mom's 81st birthday. It was the first time we had all been together since my dad passed in June and my husband passed in July, my mom and I felt so lonely even though there was a crowd there. I become envious when my sister and her husband, and my brother and his wife are around. They are very supportive and loving, but I just can't help it. I'm still kind of angry at the Higher Power myself, but I'm working on it. I hope that you can find some measure of peace this day, this hour or even this moment. Love, Pam

So, it seems many of us are having to deal with our spouse's birthdays recently, so I know I'm not alone in this situation. Tomorrow is my Harv's 56th birthday. I've tried to read and take in other's stories of how they dealt with this. I just needed to post this in honor of my best friend that I miss with every cell in my body. I thought I would be ok with this day, but the tears have started already. My son and daughter in law and my precious new grandson are coming down to be with me tomorrow evening. But, tonight I will hug my pillow and pretend it's him as I do every night. Love and peace to all, Pam

Dear Userfriendly, I am so sorry you've had to experience this horrible loss at such a tender age. I lost my husband of 34 years this past July. I can not tell you how to get through this, because I do not yet know how to get myself through this. I thought my husband and I would grow old(some may think we are old together and have grandbabies and enjoy our senior years. Our first grandbaby was born 24 days after my Harv passed and he was so looking forward to teaching his grandson how to ride horses and doing many other things with him. I was 18 and he was 21 when we married, so we really grew up together. Anyway, there are some wonderful people on this forum who are further down the road of grieving than I. They are a wonderful, caring, non-judgemental group of people. I know they will all say. welcome to our club that no one wanted to join. Hope you find some measure of peace today. Love, Pam ps, my husband's birthday is this Wednesday, he would have been 56