widower

Oh I HATE the "mask." One of many "rules" society forces us to play. When people say "how are you" I want to actually tell them but instead downshift into "not bad" or the more honest "hanging in there." I never say "fine" or "good" any more.

I'm so sorry. Certainly nothing wrong with crying, even so much. It's hard but you have to let it out. That said, if it is nearly constant and keeps staying that way, you might want to consider grief counseling (actually I suggest that anyway). You could try it with a group or 1 on 1. Also try as much as possible to lean on family/friends, and stay as active/busy as you can stand (granted this comes from someone who was a near hermit for months!). Best to you.

Just wanted to add that after trying to find more "technical" solutions, I simply played back the voicemail into my built-in mic on the laptop through the Windows Sound Recorder "accessory" program, and although the volume on it is a bit low (yes I had all volumes maxed), it was enough, and I saved it off (and emailed to myself on 2 diff email accounts) so I'm sure I have it. In case anyone is wondering how to save this should work and then you don't have to worry about saving it on your phone.

I might have answered "short term, pushing you off a cliff" OK probably not, but I continue to be amazed at the idiocy that can come out of people's mouths.......

If you mean me, I have done "groups" as well as 1 on 1 counseling (etc). Yes it's helped but it's kind of like going from $10 million in debt to $6 million in debt. Sure it's better, but......... anyway I do appreciate the idea.

I'm sorry for all of you and the crosses you bear and being able to relate to what I'm saying at all, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Having a neighbor check on you is a good idea. An ex-neighbor and I do that here and there but I have a dog as well and didn't think what might happen to him if something happened to me. I might ask this person to say let's make it an arrangement to have no more than a day or 2 go by to check on each other.......

I guess I'm still waiting for that. If anything I think I was "numb" initially to an extent, but the crying has always been there, and I'm not much of a crier. I'm just so tired of this. Tired of the pain, of regrets, of being so damned alone. We had no kids and frankly if I died right now no one would even know for who knows how many days, and it wouldn't impact anyone's life. It seems like life's cruel sense of humour has reached new depths. Lord knows I'm very far from perfect, but I don't think I deserve this, day after week after month after year. It's not living. It's existing, and only grudgingly. I'm sorry to ramble but I'm at such a loss.

I have cried almost every day since she passed (nearly a year now). It's not that I want to or try to (usually), but neither do I try to avoid it (usually). And the weird part is I'm not sure if I want this to change or not. Generally I do, but often I think why should I? How can I think of everything that happened and her being gone and not cry? What kind of heartless SOB would I be then? I feel like I cannot "win" on this. Re who we're crying for, I cry for us both, frankly. I guess mostly for me but also her, how she suffered so much and fought it so bravely and selflessly, never complaining, only to lose her battle at far too young an age.

Thx kay but no worries - it's a mild anti-depressant and it has helped. No "legal" issues to concern with. Sorry you feel you didn't try something when you should have - it's a tough call though, pls don't beat yourself up about it. You've suffered enough as it is without piling something else on. And remember, Tom Cruise wouldn't recommend.

The first part of this web page is an absolute poster child for why I have an extreme disgust, even hatred, for the medical profession today, or to be more specific, a disturbing number of its members. Incompetence, apathy, and a respulive lack of empathy rule the day. Time and again, with numerous doctors at numerous places, we encountered this. Healthcare costs are bad, but IMO are nowhere near out biggest problem in healthcare. It's this. Anyway, sorry, back to the actual topic.....FYI I wasn't asking whether or not I should go this route; simply curious what others might have tried and its success or not. Regardless, appreciate all the replies. Just between us chickens she left behind an anti-depressant (amitriptyline) and I haven't been afraid to use it, and it has helped. It was only a partial bottle though, and I've moved, so need to find a doc and hopefully either get that or similar.

Sure be cautious and as aware as you can be of your vulnerability etc etc, but don't be SO cautious ("freaked out") or guilty that you refuse to give the guy or yourself a chance to enjoy each other's company or possibly even have any kind of relationship, whether it's "easy going" or not. I do agree on going slow for sure (that's good advice any time), just saying it's possible to go too far the other way and that could be just as bad of a mistake. Loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be and you deserve to LIVE, to laugh, to have some fun. Good luck!

Wondering if anyone felt desperate enough to ask/get anything to help through the roughest of times and if so what, how much did it help etc.

I'm so sorry kay. I can imagine. But hopefully some good came out of that ie that release-? Today i was feeling pretty good then just had one as well. I was going around the kitchen, LR etc looking at the various knick-knacks around the house and not just remembering the details of each one (I bought her this for Christmas, someone gave her that when she was in the hospital, etc etc) but for some reason saying them out loud, as if someone was there and I was explaining it to them. Nutty or what? I admit sometimes I do talk out loud like that, as if someone was there, I guess it helps me feel less alone somehow. Anyway, I thought now this is all I have left are some odds and ends - just things - along with my memories. And I just lost it. I went out back today - a beautiful warm day - and looked up at the clouds as I often do and also as I often do wondered if she was "up there" somehow. Not in a cliched angel in the clouds kind of way exactly - just out among the heavens, wondering that if when you pass you're allowed to flit among the clouds or some such. I don't know. Just wondering what happens and wishing - more than any wish I have other than her still being here - that I could just KNOW already.

Well said by all of you and I can so relate. Bed time and first thing in the morning are hardest for me by far. Wishing you all the peace you can muster.

Mary, Wow several of you are really hitting me where I live lately, ie I can so very much relate to what you are saying and feeling or experienced. I was my beloved's sole caregiver and I would LOVE to hear what you did from others and often, and I don't mean some token "way to go" type statement but something that is clearly sincere and emphatic. I have felt bad even thinking that though as it seems selfish. After all, I didn't do what I did for praise; I did what I was simply supposed to do and wanted very much to do (to help her however I could), and if anything, have often cursed myself for what I didn't do and ways I failed her. And I was also in denial, big time. I curse myself for that as well. For not being able to face reality about it. And although we said our I love you's etc, there were still some things unsaid, and worst of all, we didn't expect her end when it happened (at least I didn't; if she did, she didn't act it), so we didn't get to say good-bye. I so hate that all. As if the loss itself wasn't enough, the regrets and things that didn't happen will always haunt me. I am very glad you two were able to avoid this.

Good grief kay, I swear I could have signed my name to your post. It applies to me, all of it. Re the link it seems to me she has more "issues" than simply being alone (arguing with yourself? yikes), frankly. Sad. But she makes some good points about how very very few people truly understand severe, "chronic" loneliness, esp how it can change who you are and all but swallow you up. I have battled this much of my life, long before it hit a new low with the loss of my loved one. And this post as well. Wow. Thx for letting me know I'm not the only one.

Well said all around. I thought you had your kids to lean on even if not living at home/nearby, pardon if I misunderstood. I have no such person who I can even call or calls me. Basically no one who cares about my day to day life, or even week to week for the most part. Guess my point is be glad for family.

I'm sorry for you both. I'm still in the "months" stage and not much better than I was at the start really. For a long time it was just searing anguish and much of that is still there - but, I think, slowly but surely I'm inching towards less of that and more of a "normal" life, or as normal as can be expected. The hard part is allowing myself that. Allowing myself to not feel anguish all the time as I think maybe I should etc.

Thx to you both. Yes Anne I don't doubt that it remains hard, but hopefully gets easier with time. My concern though has been even wanting to feel better. I don't feel like I deserve it for a variety of reasons. So that's why I'm hoping what I said below helps (me at least!).

Thanks kay. I'm working. That's been hard too, to stay on top of my game so to speak, and even just having to get out of bed and know I have to go in, wow have I hated that bad lately, but on the other hand gives me a "break" (generally) from thinking about all this (most of the time), I think I'd really go nuts if I was just around the house with too much time on my hands. And of course keeps the bills paid and all. I am glad you and others have kids/family to lean on. I have met a couple people from the neighborhood and they seem nice, but we'll see. I'm in a kind of "scenic" place as well (though not as much as you from what I can tell) and that helps. Mary, best with the remaining time on the publication, I can appreciate how hard that must be for you. Bottom line do what you must to continue on... Hal props as always for all your efforts. I hope to do similar one day, but right now cannot.

It's so easy to all but drown yourself in this and for me even feels "right" for lack of a better way to put it, given the circumstances. But as much as I caution against worrying about "should's" (what we "should" do), I do think we should sooner or later, and granted it takes a lot of time, try to work our way out or through this, gradually feeling less of it and ultimately, hopefully, getting to a point where we feel life is worth living again - perhaps even to some measure finding some happiness on the whole. Again I realize this may sound impossible or absurd (it does to me now) but on paper at least it makes sense. After all, that's what our loved ones we lost would want. And that's my lead-in to my idea. I'm trying to focus on how any time I feel sad, esp when it all hits me like a wave knocking me over, how that makes my loved one out there sad as well, and the last thing I want to do is cause them MORE sadness or suffering, after all they endured. Similarly, if I smile or feel any genuine "good" feelings, it makes them happy as well, and wow that's one thing I would love to give them in any way I can. So, ironically, helping myself and trying to fight this depression, if even if brief battles or spurts, is for them as much as me. My .02

I'm sorry for the exhaustion any and all of you have felt. It struck a chord with me as I've felt similar. The loss is bad enough but to have "extra" things to deal with I appreciate makes it worse - as if that wasn't enough of a chasm to cross, right? In my case I had to sell the house and move shortly after her passing (long story). This would have been physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting even if it was for other reasons, but so much more so because it was due to losing her. Now I don't even have the comfort of the home we shared together. Also I've received little support from family or friends, frankly and her children from another marriage in particular made things a thousand times harder and are just disgusting people (also long story) who had little respect or consideration for this wonderful woman, and continue to be such towards her even after she has passed. It all has had me barely running on fumes from the start and I wonder why I keep getting dumped on. I would very much love to just stay in bed all day every day, but life won't permit that, as you all know. Anyway sorry to rant and whine but it's just all been so ridiculous. I regret to hear the trials you all are facing in your situations and wishing you all the best always.

I'm so sorry for your loss and facing that dreaded day. Hope you are doing better....

Exactly. It's one thing to intellectually understand and know it's true, but deep down your heart doesn't allow you to "really" believe it. It's too much and too terrible. I guess the only way (for many of us anyway) is that only very slowly is that reality accepted, an inch at a time.

Harry excellent post - I agree, you should be glad it's going to a relative and one who really needs it and I'm sure really, really appreciates it! Trust me this is not always the case to say the least. Numerous things of my beloved's went to kids who neither appreciate nor even IMO deserve them. Still more was given away (long story) that I hated happening that way, though hopefully most of it will be appreciated by someone. I confess I felt and largely still feel possessive in that way - I don't want any stranger to have anything of hers and if any family/friend gets something, they sure as #$%@ better appreciate it. Re the car, every time I see one like my beloved's on the road I feel that familiar wince - and as silly as it is, I almost can't help but look over wish, even half hope, to see her driving it. Course that would mean I've lost my mind, but sometimes I feel like it'd be worth it. Anyway, again props to you. I hope to re-engage on doing more to fight this cursed disease, but right now I just want to be away from it as much as possible. I still donate/etc but can't even dream of being actively involved in reading up on it/etc. I had so much of that in a short time, all for naught in the end, so it's about the last thing I can bring myself to. Peace to you as well.