widower

Congrats all around Harry! Today I'm just settling for nice weather.

Lina, it's absolutely "normal," if there is such a thing in the grieving process. I've been working on this a lot longer than you and it still doesn't seem real to me. It's far too extreme and ridiculous to be real. Give yourself time and lots of it. Best to you......

I'm not sure I can ignore anyone who is stupid enough to say or imply I "should be over it" by any given amount of time - I suggest they duck though.

kay very well said on all counts. Nice to know somebody else gets it re. our dwindling communicative abilities. What really gets me is that people don't even CARE any more. And the younger generations, having never known a different way, don't even get it at all. And bad enough they are so addicted to chitter-twittering away on some iBlah, talking constantly, saying nothing, and having little interest in where they are actually at and who they're actually with, but many adults do this now. And we wonder why "ADD"/etc is a growing problem. Sad and scary to say the least. Anyway - Yes, experience is the best teacher, but honestly I don't think that excuses some of the unbelievably rude things I have heard people get said or done to them (or not said/done). Interesting to get your perspective from a longer time out. Being well under a year yet and hearing people say "the second year is worst than the first" scares the hell out of me. Well, not "scares" exactly - just makes this heavy boulder I'm lugging around seem even heavier. I'm just so tired of this. I don't expect to ever feel happy (except perhaps for brief moments here and there); I'll settle for not miserable. But even that seems unrealistic.

For whatever it's worth, all of that is very "normal." (If there is such a thing in such a crazy of a time) I remember going through what you are not that long ago. Take it a day at a time and rely as much as you reasonably can on family/friends. And feel free to unload here any time of course!

Thx very much. Yes it is, to say the least. Just want to add a few more replies to a few more posts - I'd hope to do more but it all became overwhelming and got me thinking about my situation (selfish to the end, I guess). I wish you all the very best with your stuggles and loss. Yes you know the old saying, better to do that than say something and remove any doubt of one's ignorance/stupidity. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it seems there is never a shortage of people who seem determined to say something thoughtless and unthinking. Wow did this hit home. Recently I wondered the same thing during a moment of despair. My family is not close, and I don't have a family of my own - and let's not get started on "friends" disappearing. I so miss having someone caring about "my day." I can go by for great lengths of time now and the daily ins and outs of life nobody knows about for the most part or is really interested in. I realize this probably doesn't help much, but I can very much relate to these things as well. I'm so sorry. I hope you can find some way(s) to minimize that....

I'm sorry first of course for your loss but for the difficulties you're having and the people who don't know how to talk/act to the grieving - ie about 99% of those who haven't suffered such a loss, unfortunately. It's ironic but the better we get at cheating death (medical advances etc), the worse we get at facing and handling it, esp dealing w/those around us who have. You'd think. Don't get me started on the failings of the so-called psychological expert/professional community. I'm very sorry and can very much relate. I wish I had some brilliant insight or magical path to lead you to in order to climb out of this, but I don't. I can only sympathize, listen, and hope you can find ways to do so, knowing it's a gradual and difficult search/journey.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can very much relate to everything you said. Give yourself time, and be gentle to yourself as much as possible. Best wishes and prayers for you on this journey - it seems impossible but you can survive it.

Mary I'm a terrier kinda guy but that is great Retrievers are great dogs. Props!!

I wish you the same. Due to cremation I won't always have that place to go to mourn my loved one (long story). I know it's their remains and not totally them exactly, but still, it still is important in various ways and at the very least gives you a "focal point" for them. I also needed to move so can appreciate the mixed feelings about that and how hard it is in so many ways - I felt guilty as if I was "abandoning her" in some way even though I know it wasn't true. And starting over in so many ways esp as you get older is another hurdle. Jumping all these hurdles you'd think we would be ready for the olympics. Anyway best to you!

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. It is often hardest late at night (or for me first thing in the morning and wondering why bother to get out of bed). I have not endured this nearly as long as you but am already weary from it as well, so I admire your tenacity. I wish you the best in surviving another "milestone" timeframe.

Congrats - I'm sure he will be there enjoying it in his own way with you

Sometimes you have to look hard for that ray of light/positives even when the day is esp "negative." I was having a bad day yesterday in a variety of ways and just in a miserable mood - then my neighbor who also lost their loved one to cancer called and invited me to Ash Wednesday service. To be honest even the service itself I had a take it or leave it feel on (probably not helping is I hate crowds), but getting out of the house, not being alone, and knowing someone isn't simply thinking about me but DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT (call, invites etc) really helped me and overall has been huge for me. Then I had cake.

Now we're cookin

Yes animals can be huge - as lost as I am I am not sure I'd even be making it at all without our (now my) dog. He gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

Sorry for all your losses and hope you have had better luck lately with finding or getting recordings. I have precious few videos of my loved one but purposely made a few as she got worse for exactly the reasons you are saying. I kick myself for not making more and much sooner. I had to be careful later though because I didn't want her to fear I was doing it because I thought something bad was about to happen - which I didn't, but we both knew it was always possible. Unfortunately we were both bad about taking pics, videos etc.

Great idea for a thread. Gail that site looks promsing, will definitely check out. Thx all For today I am attending a (non-alcoholic) mardi gras event with a neighbor/friend who also lost their partner to cancer. Just getting out of the house for a bit and not being alone is positive.

Not really. See my thread in the "Bereavement" area.

Thanks - yes I do now recall that from the movie -

Thanks Mary - and sorry if that was "too depressing" for anyone. Just wanted to let it out, which I think we all need sometimes. I certainly hope nobody gets "stuck" in that mode. Somehow life is still worth living, and I try to remind myself that she would want me to do exactly that, and if anything, being sad might only make her sad, and I don't want to do that! I guess just those initial "how are yous" bug me in that way ie I feel I can't say how I really feel, but just give the politically correct answer.

Is anyone else tired of saying "fine" or even "OK" when you get this question? Just once I'd like to hand them this when they ask. This pretty much sums up "how I am" and have been since my loss. Pardon my self indulgence. Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let airplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message she is dead Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. She was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one: Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods: For nothing now can ever come to any good.

For now mostly just want to say a great thread and great posts here all. Some excellent suggestions and insights but what struck me most were several things I can relate to very much about what you've felt and dealing with all this. Mary, your comment about "seeing the years stretched out ahead" and worrying about "getting older, alone, and lonely" really hit home. This is my ultimate fear. I am not close to family (in any sense of the word), do not have family of my own, and although I have friends, many (most?) have seemingly abandoned me after this loss and the few that have not as you all have said, have their own lives and I hear from sparingly. Basically I have had my share of loneliness but now with the loss of my loved one it is magnified a great deal more as she in many ways WAS my life. Comments you have made about no one there to share those ordinary day to day things with also really struck me hard - even things as simple as grocery shopping or talking about the day, what do we want to have for dinner, should I pick up anything, what flowers should we plant this spring, so on and so on. Bottom line I also fear the road ahead and even when and if I deal with the loss itself, will I ever be less alone. I don't wish this on anyone and I'm very sorry for anyone feeling similar. On the plus side, like some of you I also have a dog and he has in many ways kept me going, gives me reason to get up in the morning and "get out" some, even if it's just for a walk. And I have made new friends who have helped, 1 or 2 in big big ways. I also enjoy a little wine most nights. But not a lot, generally just a glass or 2ish to relax me and it does help ease me into sleepiness sometimes. I see nothing wrong with that, or with an anti-depressant if needed...that said it is good to be able to get off of them or cut them back if you can and props for that. Wishing you all better days!

lg, EXACTLY - whatever works for you is, well, what works for you. I can't emphasize it strongly enough: to hell with the alleged "norms" and similar BS! (well that's pretty strong not a bad start ) Re. going to groups, I have tried it twice with mixed results but you seem very logical, so I'll appeal to your logic: bottom line you have nothing to lose and potentially much to gain. Why not? And if you try and it doesn't work, check out individual counseling. I'm similar in that I cannot open up to a "group" like that, I don't regret going and did get something out of it, but mostly sat there and said little. Was surprised how much I was able to let out 1 on 1 (luckily have a good conselor which helps - someone who has been there, which IMO should be mandatory for all). Good luck and just take "baby steps," won't happen all at once.

Great post. I guess I've been lucky that generally people haven't done this to me either but can appreciate the frustration for those who experience it. In fact I've probably done it myself in the past, although not meaning to, or thinking I shouldn't have. I know better now.

First of all stop apologizing. Rambling/venting/etc is what this place and those similar are about. Second and if you remember nothing else I or anyone ever says about grief I hope you remember and take to heart these 2 things: 1. There is no "normal" 2. There is no "should" Slight oversimplifications maybe but the gist of it being grief is different for everyone. There are some general tendencies but frankly that should get little more than a dismissive wave of the hand IMO. Everyone's situation is unique just like every person is unique. Do the best you can and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel - or not - and try to be gentle to yourself. Also remember this isn't the movies. You don't necessarily have to have some big "dramatic scene" or whatever. More specific to your situation, detaching yourself emotionally is not so rare, esp given you have many other HUGE things going on. This is probably your way of simply surviving for now. As the dust gradually settles, I'm sure the feelings will be there however is best for you. Again that doesn't necessarily mean some big breakdown, esp given how you said you are not as emotional as some in your family (we have a lot of drama queens so I can relate in that way). Some people simply don't show or feel emotions as dramatically as others, and as you already pointed out, that doesn't mean you didn't love him a great deal. In short, don't worry, there are no style points for performance. I wish you the best!