widower

mik I respectfully suggest that there are those that care, they just stunk at showing it on this day, and I'm sorry for that and that it only served to drive home the loss and loneliness you feel. It hit hard this past Tues for me (holiday) and I'm sure will on my birthday too, although we didn't make big deals out of them usually. But I wish you the best of birthdays anyway. You are very mucn entitled to feel sorry for yourself but I hope things look better for you as the day has gone on and in the days ahead. kay I'm sorry that it was so hard for you as well. I can only imagine. I lost my loved one not far from my birthday, so they will always now be somewhat tied and I can't imagine ever enjoying a birthday again or even wanting to. I'm just glad it won't be for awhile. Wow too bad we aren't closer we could get together and pour each other a drink and say NUTS to birthdays. I might do that anyway, though it'll be solo. Hope you can "join" me.

I wasn't too bad until the evening when I had my planned dinner and toast to my lost one. I forgot how bad dinner for one can suck, frankly. Hard is a ridiculous understatement. Hang in there all, hope you were better.

I'm so sorry Mary. Hopefully at least with much of this in the beginning of the year, the rest of the year can better "leave you alone." Your comment about Europe hit home. We hoped to go to Paris one day and never did. I now have no interest in ever going as I think it would be more painful than anything. She loved it so (had been there before) and in fact before her downward spiral we talked about tying to get there but it was one thing or another and never did. I curse myself for not going years before (numerous times) when she brought it up.

I'm sorry for all your losses. Harry your post esp hit home hard - I can relate to the weariness and loneliness of the loss and esp this day. Wasn't sure what to do today; if nothing else I planned to toast her with a glass of one of our favorite wines. I hadn't thought about a card and the other things some of you mentioned. Frankly I'm not sure I could write a card; it would be so hard - but maybe I should. It might be hard "in a good way" if you know what I mean (letting it out). Not sure. And as she has no grave (cremated), what do I do with it? I'm reminded of the cards that I later found which she kept. She never seemed to seem or feel this day was a big deal per se so I was surprised; I hadn't made a habit of keeping hers and am hating myself for it, desperately wishing I had them all. And of course it brought all those painful feelings of loss and regret and guilt and oh all the fun stuff back. So mostly I've been thinking about staying busy today and trying to survive it. Know that what you wrote here mattered. It does help to know I'm not the only one who bears this cross and to be poignantly reminded of it. Best to all of you.

My first. It's about as bad as I thought it would be. Best to you all and hope you have a better time w/it.

Hi Anne, wow your response hit home: This might be part of it. Their lives are more or less "back to normal" and they don't like being reminded of the terrible loss you suffered so they avoid it by avoiding you. Horrible I know but again it seems pretty common, so partly just human nature I guess. Though again I don't think that excuses it. Wow. I tried similar though not nearly to the extent you did (a few emails) - I was less patient than you - after no responses I took the hint and figured OK if you don't want to keep in touch, whatever. This really hits home, although not related to my loss per se. Before then, some years back, my best friend and his family (who are like family to me) drove to another (my) state a few states away for a tourist site. You have to drive about within 10 mins of my place to do so. They never even told me they were going, let alone offered to let me join them, or join afterwards for dinner/etc or even suggest stopping in. That hurt. A lot. I don't even get that. Oh they are polite and cordial enough, but typically I'm there when other family is visiting (holiday etc) and even if it's been a long time (year or more) since I've seen them, they like they just saw me 10 mins ago. It's kind of like a yawn. That also doesn't exactly make me feel warm and fuzzy. It's clear they don't care if I show up or not. Well hopefully he will find someone special and start his OWN family. At least you have him! I have grown to HATE that expression. It's like saying "let's do lunch some time." Why not just go "blah blah blah" because it has about as much value IMO. Maybe you should say "OK - what I NEED is for my family to call me once in awhile instead of me always having to call - or God forbid ask about visiting some time." ya think?? EXACTLY. You are not babbling; well said and best to you.

Thx very much, wow tons of movies on the last one, although I have seen some and not really what I'm talking about - eg many of those "contain" a part about someone dying but the movie isn't really focused on that per se (eg Steel Magnolias) or have too much joking around (the same movie could also apply, although it was a great flick) and some have that mystical "beyond the grave" thing which while it might make for a good movie isn't simply about ordinary people dealing with normal, ordinary grieving processes we can all relate to, which is what I'm really getting at. Again that is not to take away from the links at all and I really appreciate them, just that at least some don't really fit what I'm saying.

Thx - I wasn't worried about responses here per se, that's very common on the 'net (many views, few responses). Thank you for the reply and I'm sorry you experienced similar. It really is odd. I think a lot of it is it's so awkward or uncomfortable for people so they avoid it, but that doesn't excuse it.

This has happened to me but from what I'm gathering is common. Family or friends or both, though they know you are hurting badly and in various real ways feeling or being very alone, don't check on you. They rarely if ever call, let alone make an effort to get together. After a small flurry of calls and a few cards immediately afterwards, since then I can easily count on one hand those who have made any real effort to keep in touch at all, let alone "check" on me, and same goes for any who have made any real effort to get together. There have even been a few I THOUGHT I meant a lot to who have still to say anything to me in any way - a call, a card, even an email. What the ####? I didn't expect many, and I don't expect people to call non-stop, but it's been months and it's barely a trickle. It has only compounded the loneliness and emptiness. People are strange.

I would love to see such movies right now, maybe I guess to help me get out some of my grief or feel like there are others who can relate. Having a hard time finding any good ones though? Anyone? What I have seen recently: Rabbit Hole - stars Nicole Kidman, who loses her young son (as does her husband) to a car accident. Had its moments but I wouldn't call it "great." I did not care for their portrayal of grief therapy groups, which was cliched and I think inaccurate. Still worth a watch, I think, again just don't expect anything great.

I'm very sorry for that. Pls feel free to explore this site and talk it out however you want, I have already found there are great people here willing to listen Best to you!

First just want to say great replies here all. Props to you! My .02 FWIW: That is perfectly normal; if nothing else pls remember that whatever and however you need to get through this is OK; it's different for everyone and there IS NO "THE" way to go about it. Of course not, and no offense to her but frankly that is a poor attitude/response to give. A year is, at best, a vague marker at which point some - but by no means all - people START to really come to grips and "move on." Some do it sooner, some later. Again go with what works for you, and remember this is not a math class. There is no magical date or timeframe at which suddenly a switch flips and you should feel this or that way. Again your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. On the houses, this is ONLY my opinion so consider or disregard as you see it, but I suggest seriously considering selling one or the other, for reasons that should be pretty obvious, for ex the job search but also trying to figure out where "your life" is going to take place. And taking care of even one house more or less by yourself is hard - two? I can't imagine. Well I hope you didn't expect God to come down in a flash of light and say "do this." I think part of the problem with something like this (I am going through similar btw) - "moving on" can sound or feel to us like we're leaving our loved one behind. But we're not! In fact, it's THEY who have "moved on," so in a way, getting on with your life if anything seems to me to be "catching up" with your loved one - again they are moving on to a different way of existance, so you should do the same, and remember that doesn't mean they aren't still with you, just in a different way. And you still travel it together, in a way. Just not as directly. PS I loved the helicopter ride too. Great idea. I wish you well!

Hi and thanks - I tweaked my settings for the board (should have tried this first but assumed it wouldn't matter) and they're at the top now. I changed various ones but betting changing from "standard editor" did it. Thx!

Appreciate any help! This is driving me crazy because it appears in the middle of the window (eg like the one I'm typing in right now) and covers up whatever text is in that area. Tried to "drag" it but can't. Thx!

Where I live there are numerous grief conseling service for free. Might want to try checking into that-?

No, it's 100% normal. I have an older voicemail I'm trying desperately to save somehow as well.

That's what I thought of when I saw "call." I lost my loved one last year and still talk, out loud, to her - often with tears, but not always. I also still have a voicemail from her I want to keep somehow but my cell will be going away soon and not sure how to save it. I also have a few (far too few) videos of her so I will still be able to hear her voice. Dear God I miss her so much.

I am so sorry for your loss. Along with all the "standard" issues of loss, you have the additional pain of feeling regret or guilt that your relationship ended how it did. I would say for starters remember that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and he was not faultless; it's easy and normal for us to forget that as we glorify those we lose. Also try to focus on the good memories you have and remember you have your children and whoever else (other family/friends) so you are not alone, though it will feel that way sometimes. It seems clear he loved you too despite whatever was between you and so that love is not gone.