widower

I'm very sorry, for all of you. Pls keep in mind a month or 3 is still early in the stages of dealing with this. Give yourself time.

Saw this elsewhere and thought it was worth throwing out. Clearly if you're early in the grieving process it's probably highly inadvisable, and for some perhaps "never" is the short answer (more so the older one is. generally speaking) - but for some the need for companionship is too great to ignore, despite the concern of being "out there" again and the whole goofy dating process. Anyway, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts, esp if you're thinking about it, or have done it and the good or bad of it, etc. I'm not there yet after a year but I think sooner or later I will "have" to. I'm middle-aged and not ready to spend the rest of my life alone, although obviously it might turn out that way anyway.

I am so sorry for your loss. You're very early in this though, remember it will take time, lots of it. I realize having 2 boys (teens no less!) makes this harder in some ways, but on the other hand be glad you are there for each other. I had no one when I lost my loved one, which magnified the emptiness that much more. I know the "are you OK" brilliant question too, wow did I hate that initially. ("how do you think I am you #@{:content:}quot; I used to want to say) - and how I used to hate the phoniness of my "OK" response. That all said, I do believe confidently you can be "OK" again, although you will obviously never be the same again. I believe I can be too, though I'm not there yet and confess to having had my share of doubts. Just some random ramblings - hold on and feel free to vent here any time, that's what we're here for........

Jan, sorry for that experience. Knock on wood but so far I've been pretty lucky about not having "dumb" things said to me. I would suggest trying to keep in mind that what they said was (I assume) well-intended, despite its colossal idiocy. I'm not excusing it, just something to keep in mind. I know it's hard though; I think part of it is that it's another reminder of how isolated/alone this can make us. Not just the obvious of not having that person, but of so few people having a clue about it. That's why I'm grateful for places like this.......

You're welcome Not saying "oughts" should always be ignored, just that really there scarcely is such a thing when dealing with loss like this is concerned. The pics are a good example. Hang in there

If you want them on display, then that is what you "ought" to do. If you don't, that is what you "ought" to do. My point being the only "oughts" or "shoulds" etc are what work FOR YOU. There is no other ought or should that means a bleepin darn thing! Pls don't think there is some unwritten rule about such things and nuts to anyone who tells you differently.

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more inspirational or helpful. But I can very much relate and wish I could wave a wand and take it all away from you, from all of us. I wish I could snap my fingers and all of our loved ones were back. Frankly more than once I'd wished it had been me instead of her. She was a far better person and had a much fuller life without "us." But that isn't how it worked so I can only plod ahead, one clumsy step at a time and ask you to try and do the same. I've been at this a good bit longer than you (almost a year) and am still struggling, so pls keep in mind you must give yourself a lot of time. And if anyone says "aren't you over it yet," you have my permission to whack them in the head with a baseball bat. Perhaps that will encourage their brain cells to function again. (speaking of clumsy, there's a clumsy attempt at humour, which we need more than ever even though we feel like it less than ever - and to tell the truth there's that piece of me steeped in anger about such things saying "Joking my ass, whack em") Take care and I hope this site helps you in some way or other.

Durbin, I don't know if it helps, but as you can see, much of this is shockingly common. The disappearing act by "friends," the unbearable loneliness, the feeling of utter defeat. I'm so sorry. I've been there and am still there as well, so I can relate to the cruelty of it all. I hope that venting/sharing/whatever here can help at least a little. Only one who's gone through it can really understand to any degree. Keep fighting! This takes time and lots of it. And you may find yourself making new friends as well.

Hang in there amw. As you can see, you are perhaps doing better than you realized and aren't alone as to what you're feeling/experiencing. The tiredness, lack of sleep, hopelessness etc - it's very "normal," if there is such a thing when going down this road. I've been at this more months than you and going through much of it yet. You need to give it time, plenty of time, and work through it however you can. Best to you

I think these things are often overlooked and not appreciated for how important they really are. It's amazing to me the diff sometimes I can feel if I am not sleeping enough or eating poorly/etc. I urge people not to dismiss this as not being able to make a significant difference (which I have done more than once).

Hi, I'm sorry you've having such a rough time. In my area there are places that have grief counseling for free; I suggest trying to fine one of those. General mental health therapy is something altogether different, however. I don't think the gov't helps anyone get that for free, regardless of income, but there might be some less expensive options somewhere.

Very sorry to hear this. So many of us have situations or specifics about a loss that can magnify that loss even more. I am glad you were able to move on but can appreciate struggling with this. Best to you

dave, I am sorry to hear and disgusted beyond belief, I am so sorry and best on getting any of it back. A thought - they probably wouldn't return the laptop (worth $) but might return the stick which it sounds like there was a lot of stuff on and the stick itself isn't worth much - post something asking at least to get that back, no questions ask - they could drop it off in the mailbox or even mail it anonymously - explain why it is so valuable as well. Best to you PS I know this doesn't help now but while we are on the topic, a suggestion to all: email pics/posts/etc to yourself, and/or post on facebook or one of those photo archive places for free (photobucket, snapfish, etc) as a backup.

kay beat me to it. I wouldn't scream but maybe lighting into people whining like this, albeit in a calm but firm way, is what they should get. Might give them some perspective. And really if they are there and know what you've been through, carrying on like that I consider grossly insensitive and if something like that happens to me, I might just light into them and none too sure about the calm part.

This part stuck out to me. She's right in that you can never fully understand what she's going through, but you can at least have some idea, and frankly I think she needs to be sensitive to the fact that you can't and allow for that....given how you're clearly willing to be there for her however you can and are still with her despite her not exactly being at her best and so forth, I would just hope she's taking that into account. Seems to me you are proving your true mettle and obviously not just some jerkface who cares about himself and what he can get out of the relationship. There have been many women married to guys who gave less. Hard to say exactly what's what based on a few posts of course, I just hope she's keeping that in mind and not just using this to "dump" on you all the time.

Anne, sounds great! I thought of this and had to share: Planning for your retirement? Here's a story to get you thinking about life after retirement...(and perhaps it will give you some fresh ideas, too). About 2 years ago, my husband and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner, we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that the staff, ship's officers, waiter, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means i can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will hav e a ship ready to go. So, don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. And don't forget your funeral. Now, here's a greatest saving of all. When you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Mary, Anne: great posts, I don't have much to add offhand. Definitely give it time and lots of it and be gentle to yourself.

Wow does that sound familiar. Frankly I hate the "call if you need something" bit. As stated, hey how about you call ME? I'm the one who needs it, remember? You're the ones whose lives HAVEN'T been shattered. Given all you've said, can you consider moving elsewhere, like nearer to family/friends? I realize that's easier said than done but it sounds like it could be good for many reasons - closer to people who can visit/check on you, nearer to medical facilities, nearer to shopping or whatever, etc etc. Isolation sounds like about the last thing you need. (Plus that heat - I used to live in Tucson, I remember it well!) Not sure I'm getting the heaviness of the medical alert things - I know someone who has one (she is pretty frail) and didn't get the impression it was heavy but can't say for sure. Do any of your conditions make this a lot harder? Wishing you the best and an upturn in all this. Give yourself time above all, it's still very new for you.

Thx will do

I'm so sorry. You're right. I've often thought it's like standing in water waist-deep waiting for a wave to knock you down. I dread long drives for reasons like that. Even going to work, more than a few times I've cried just looking up at the clouds and wondering if she's "out there" somehow and my mind starts going......

I don't watch TV but watching DVDs can help me sometimes - I'll watch till I find myself starting to nod off. We used to watch TV in bed and do something similar so maybe that's why it helps.

I have thought recently, as relatively trivial/dumb as some of it is, how much "loss" describes all this and not just the obvious ie of the person or your old life. For ex: - lost many "friends" - lost my home - lost motivation to do much more than get by - lost sense of humour - rarely is anything genuinely funny - lost my smile and laugh - I never laugh or smile unless it's a fakey/polite one for apparences - lost my ability to enjoy much of anything (people, a good meal, a nice day, name it) Back more to the point, even physically: - lost a lot of weight (have gained back more lately) - lost color in my hair, suddenly graying speeding up - lost lots of hair itself, was gradually losing anyway but suddenly scary thin on top (and I'm not "THAT old") - I fear losing some of my eyesight ability - I can't look at distances much without it going "double" on me (as if I was drunk or something)

So men are excluded?

I have wondered the same thing, but then I realized I shouldn't get caught up in the words but rather their intent, ie to see how I am holding up. It's better than never asking at all (I have had that too). Glad you're on that. You need to give it time.......

Hell it's been nearly a year and I still cry almost every day. And I'm not a "cryer." But again it's diff for everyone and your mileage may vary...