gabrielle_land

Thank you guys for your support, Im very sorry you too had lost important things related to with your loved ones... as kayc said, its feels like losing them all over again. I've been trying not to think much of it since it hurts alot, just one weight more to my pain... I have followed your advices and asked people who know alot about computers if I'm able t recover things and so far I have had a positive answer, but yet they've said there's little possibility, either way it's worth trying. I just need to find somebody who really knows what he's doing. Chris's things worth more than gold to me.. A friend of mine said something nice "What matters is what you have in your heart and memories, and that nobody will take away from you" I loved her phrase, gave me some peace. Laurie, I wish you luck with your computer as well, hope you may recover everything that is related with Sean, I know how you're feeling, wish you luck too. Myflyboy, its a beutiful poem, thanks for sharing it the phrase "G-d's garden must be beautiful He only takes the best" I loved it, it must be so.. Thank you again all of you, send you love and blessings, Gaby

Chip, I'm very sorry you had to go through the lost of your beutiful daughter, my heart aches with yours, it is indeed a very tough thing to deal with and time means nothing to all the pain you've been deal with such a loss. As Laurie said, we all have different stories here, but we are here for the same reason, and so please feel free to express yourself and share your grief with us. We all know what losing a loved one is, and so we will understand you and try to help as we are able to. Just posting and sharing your feelings with others can help alot. It's good to know you have a loving wife who's there for you, try to share your grief with her too, I'm sure she wants to support you in every way, try not to block yourself to her, you are lucky to have her, having understanding people around while grieving is a very important thing. Take good care of yourself, and blessings to you and your wife, Gaby

Today has been a sad day for me, I've been crying all day... I can't believe we are going through this, it's terrible... my heart is so broken and I still feel it's shattering into little pieces, this feeling is too much to bare, really... I was feeling very depressed so I ended sleeping a couple of hours more, I didn't want to think at all, but I dreamt I was watching Christophe playing ping-pong (he used to play every week), in my dream I knew he would pass away, and that was all of it. I spent later watching pictures and newspaper cuts related with his ping-pong matches. I had to format my pc and I saved the important things in some cds, I wanted to save some things related with Chris into the pc again and when looking at the cds the one that had Chris's things was empty, SILLY me saved everything else properly except the most important of them. I really felt like dying, I can't believe I lost it, I feel so stupid, why didnt I make sure it was saved. I feel awful... it's like the weak shield I've been having is crumbling, I cherish so much every single thing related to him and I lost that cd, maybe it looks no big deal, but it is to me, I can't stop crying.. I miss my baby so much, he was my reason for everything I do and everything I am, living like this is way too painful. I just wish I could hear from him one more "I love you" or just hold him so very tight for a minute. Hope all of you had a better weekend than I did, blessings to all of you, Gaby

Marty, Thanks for sharing the site, I lit a candle for Christophe, it was a very meaningful thing to do, thank you once again, Gaby

Laurie, I think janieb0828 is right.. maybe it's just unexpected so we dont grief before time.. the pain is so hard to deal with that it's better to know what it is till the last moment. Though I pray I have to say that I'm still upset with God for taking Christophe too.. I still can't conceive He took him away from me. The "if" thing is really a torture to all of us, nobody is perfect, but in our imperfection we gave the best we could to our loved ones, we gave them the very escence of what we learned true love is, and that because of them. I'm sure whatever we did that we wish we should have done it differently they have forgiven us, isn't that what love is all about, and Im sure you and Sean loved each other deeply, as I'm sure the rest of us did. Hugs to all of you, Gaby

KayC, You really deserve to get the job, and as you said, you have applied to so many that one must give a yes to you. You are such a good person, a huge support to all of us too, we all pray that you may get a job, God will listen to our prayers, I'm sure. You are a wonderful lady ! Send you hugs and tons of blessings! Gaby

Laurie, I'm so sorry you've been having a bad time remembering painful things... know it can be sometimes hard to avoid things that keep on coming to our heads that we feel like we should have changed them, or we should have done them in some other way, or say other things instead of what we said, but we cant change that unfortunately, but on the other hand we should cherish those beautiful times that we had with our loved ones, what made us fall in love with them and viceversa. I'm sure Sean has forgiven you everything, please don't be so hard on yourself. I think it is a good idea you visit your friend, maybe she can give you some professional help if you feel you need it. Take good care of yourself ok, send you a big hug, Gaby

Laurie, I'm glad my words were of some help, I try hard not to think about those times when we didn't understood each other with Christophe as I would have wanted, and even the times when we wouldn't speak for silly things. If one dwells on those things it can hurt really bad, but then I think about the inmense love I had for him and how much he loved me, and then those things become what they really are, just silly moments, meaningless silly moments that will never compare to the biggest love I could ever have, and still have within me. He knew perfectly that he would be no matter what my true love and I knew he felt the same. I'm sure you feel the same and that's what Sean would like you to remember, just the good times and teh love you both had. take care, blessings, Gaby

Joanie, I'm very sorry for your loss, words aren't enough to ease your pain, but we all know what you are feeling, and I want you to know that you are not alone, you came to teh right place and we all try to help each other as much as we can, and just coming and posting can sometimes take from you part of the heavy weight you carry through this painful time. Your loss is still so very fresh that everything looks so out of place and specially when it comes so unexpected. 29 years of marriage is alot of time and I understand how hard it will be to adjust to a different life now, and grief is the worse company, but I pray God may give you the strength you need to keep on going in these difficult days. I'm sure too Mike is with you and looking upon you now. Joanie you are welcomed here and we will go through this journey together. I send you lots of love, Gaby

Hello Jasper, I'm very sorry for your loss.. losing the one that completed you is the biggest ache I have known, and pain doesnt pass as fast as time does. I'm glad you joined the site, you may tell us anytime how are you feeling. There's alot of caring people here who are very supportive. We are never prepared for a journey like this one, and it's impossible to know how we will feel the next day, it's like a rollercoaster of feelings, I personally don't think anyone ever can adjust easily to something as hard as losing a loved one. It's been 4 months for me and I know I have still alot to go through and every step I make, and will be making will be like baby steps, a very slow pace. It will be a year and a half for you tomorrow, and I understand how difficult it will be for you... just know that we are here for you and we will "listen" to you whenever you feel like expressing yourself, we all know what you are gping through and we will tryto help you as far as we are able to. Blessings, Gaby

Jamie, As you have mentioned, this is one of the places in which you have felt comfortable enough to let your feelings flow and share your grief with us, we are all here for one reason in common, and we all try to help each other as better as we are able to, and luckily it has helped. Please, as a friend advise, if you feel the need to come and post, please do so. Your sons deal their grief their own way, which is normal and acceptable, and so you have to grief your own way. I hope they can understand that and give you the freedom to have the privacy you need to express yourself. As MartyT mentioned, they must be scared perhaps of realizing how deep the wound is, and they react as they think is correct. We often do not find the right words or the support needed around us because we know that what we feel can be misunderstood and worry others, but the fact is that grieving is long, rough journey and there's no better support than of those who realy know what we are feeling. Jamie, here we all know and understand what you are going through and we don't want you to walk alone through it. I really hope you may keep on coming here as you have been doing. Whatever helps you tomorrow that may be meaninful to you to remember Herman is perfect. There's no reason why you have to feel you are doing something wrong or "that's not the right way" to mourn. Grieving is very personal, and so anything that your heart tells you to do to remember Herman will be just fine, don't judge yourself or take too seriously how others expect you to behave. I'm sure we will all remember that tomorrow is Herman's first anniversary and we will keep him in our prayers. Take care, tons of hugs, Gaby

Jamie, It must be really hard for you to deal with the one year mark of as you said, existing without Herman. I do agree with you in it, since everyday is a big effort to try to continue with the daily routine.. Unfortunately there isn't much that I can say that can calm your pain, or make it better, I'm really sorry you have to go through that day tomorrow, I send you a huge hug and please know you are in my prayers as well as Herman. Love and Blessings, Gaby

Hi, I was reading this lovely lyric and I thought about sharing it with you.. I personally think it's really poetic, and I feel identified with it, I guess you will do so too, Gaby BELOVED It's colder than before The seasons took all they had come for Now winter dances here It seems so fitting don't you think? To dress the ground in white and grey It's so quiet I can hear My thoughts touching every second That I spent waiting for you Circumstances affords me No second chance to tell you How much I've missed you My beloved do you know When the warm wind comes again Another year will start to pass And please don't ask me why I'm here Something deeper brought me Than a need to remember We were once young and blessed with wings No heights could keep us from their reach No sacred place we did not soar Still, greater things burned within us I don't regret the choices that I've made I know you feel the same My beloved do you know How many times I stared at clouds Thinking that I saw you there These are feelings that do not pass so easily I can't forget what we claimed as ours Moments lost though time remains I am so proud of what we were No pain remains, no feeling Eternity awaits Grant me wings that I might fly My restless soul is longing No pain remains, no feeling Eternity awaits

hollubaby02, I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be a terrible moment for you. I pray God may give you the strength you need in order to go on. You little girl is a beautiful angel, and as you said the Lord is taking good care od her, and I'm sure she's looking upon her mommy too. May God give you peace and comfort. You are welcome here anytime you feel to express your feelings. I send you a big hug, blessings, Gaby

Looking at pictures is painful, it's so painful to watch somebody so healthy and alive, and reminding ourselves it's not so.. I have this Christophe's picture next to my bed.. I took it about a week before he passed away, I see his angelic face as I fall asleep, it does hurt, but then I think I wouldnt be able to stop watching his picture for one night.. *Hugs* Gaby

Laurie, I have had those same thoughts as you do, even knowing he had passed away a part of me isn't able to understand. I used to have this email address which I made just for Chris, when he passed away I would check it daily expecting to see some love words from him, and of course, the email had no new messages (I still keep it, never erased one of his letters). Kellymarie is right, it's insane for us to conceive something THIS painful, losing our loved ones. I guess that part of us that tries so hard not to believe the truth is what makes the balance before we go crazy, little by little it will be understood, give yourself time, unfortunately there's no option than deal with all this unwanted feelings, but you're going to make it.Don't be so hard on yourself, I know what you mean by waning to turn back time and just erase times in which maybe things could have been better some other way, we would give anything for one more chance, but remember that above all those times, you had Sean's love and you had his. Above all you both loved each other and he knew it, and Im pretty sure he wouldnt like you to torture yourself like that. Remember your love was above any misunderstanding you both had.

I'm very sorry for your loss searcher, you are welcome to come and share what you're feeling with us. You both spent a big part of your life together and as you said that was a blessing. I wait for the day we can be able to be with our loved one once more, the comfort is that someday it will be so. Hugs, and keep on posting whenever you're able to. Gaby

Hello Derek, This month and December seem to be so hard... it's like watching the rest of the world from somewhere else, like some kind of film.. people expecting x-mas to come, so cheerful, I feel I just don't belong here. This will be my first x-mas too without Christophe, it's so pianful to just think about it. I see the x-mas lights, and trees on the stores and I pretend not to see, I'm not even planning anything, just bed and tv.. I no longer care about x-mas/new year anymore, without him they are just one more day... its so sad that the pain of it scares me... I guess this 2 months wont be of any help, but as Kayc told you, things will someday get better for all of us.. and keep on coming and posting, we all miss you around, I was wondering too why you havent posted lately, remember we all love your precense here, Blessings, Gaby

Jane, I'm very sorry for your loss, it's a shame you have to go through this painful moments.. please know you are very welcome here and you may write about your feelings as much as you like, we all will love to know more about you and Stephen. You have our support and remember we care and understand you. Your loss is very fresh and I can recall how dark and empty the first month was, it's been 4 months for me for cancer too, it has been still hard, but not as the beginning when everything seems so out of place and confusing. Give yourself time to cry, be mad, and just anything that you feel like getting out of you, I have learned grief is the one thing you can't control, so give yourself time.. People around most of the times don't understand how deep the wound is so their behaviour isn't mostly what we need, so try not to take too seriously what they say or expect of you, remember the only one that really knows how you're feeling and has to deal with the grief is you, so dont mind people trying to rush you into healing, it's a long process but you are not alone, we are all here in that same process, some have a longer journey than others, but we all know what you are going through, and we will give you a helping hand and a shoulder where you can come and cry anytime. Hugs and Blessings, Gaby

Chrissy Your baby is beautiful!! Just looking at his pictures brought a smile on my face, thank you very much for sharing the pictures with us. He is gorgeous =))) kisses to you and your little one, Gaby

Laurie, I send you the biggest hug. You know I make myself that question evry single day...why did God/life/fate let me love somebody this much and then took him away... Make your whole life plans around the person you love with all your heart and in a blink of an eye everything vanished and feeling we are here "just because" waiting for the day we will be once again with our loved ones... as I read what you wrote I can see just exactly how I'm feeling... I miss Christophe so much I hope every night to see him smiling back at me in my dreams,and in the morning when I wake up I wish I could sleep forever to stay with him there, at least in a dream. Laurie, I hope you can soon see a glimpse of light in your days to help you move in this difficult moment, and only time will help us all move on, give yourself time, and cry if you feel like crying, you have all the right to let yourself deal with your grief as better as you're able to. Blessings, Gaby

Linda, Im sorry for your loss, months or years it is still a painful thing to carry through life and nobody else but you really know what you are feeling, so don't let others tell you how are you supposed to feel. It's a very common thing that after some time everybody keeps on with their lives and plans, as before, and only those who are left with the pain of losing a loved one know how it feels to see time pass by, but still stuck in that day when our soul was torn in half, a wound we carry in our soul and that's why others can't see it, and think that's why we should be fine.. I lost my three years boyfriend four months ago he was 30, I'm 23. He was the love of my life, and though only four months have passed, even my mom ends the topic as soon as I start talking about him with "well, now he's in heaven", I understand what you mean about not being able to speak with your family about it, but remember here we all know what you are going through and you can feel free to post anytime. Take care and hope this place may be of some help to you. Gaby

Just a week ago I was talking with a mexican friend, and she told me about the importance that day has for them, its a very meaningful/spiritual day... Oct. 31 was an important day for Chris too since he was a very spiritual person and believed very much in that our loved ones are somehow with us, and as Kelly has mentioned I never thought much about it or gave it that much importance until now.. My mexican friend asked me something, she asked me not to suffer this much because in their culture they believe our loved one isn't at peace knowing how much we suffer and so I have to "let him go". I guess it makes sense that our dear ones wouldn't like to see us like this, but then its just impossible not to feel as we do. Anyway, just getting much more spiritual helps somehow to make the pain less heavier. Blessings to all of you, Gaby

Laurie, What a beautiful poem, I love it, it brought tears to my eyes... its really sweet, thanks for sharing it with us. Lori, I'm sure you'll see your mom when the moment comes, as I'm sure we will all see our loved ones one day... what a glorious day will that be, as I've thought so many times that's what still keeps me breathing, to know my Chris is for now waiting for me somewhere... as I'm waiting to be with him again. I think so because life just can't be any crueler than it has been by taking my baby away... I guess we lose nothing by having faith and believe in it... Blessings to all of you Gaby

Tonight I feel so helpless, tonight all I want to do is cry and cry and just dwell in this pain, I feel I can't keep on pretending anymore to be strong, I dont want to be strong anymore, it's hurting so much I just dont want to do anything..still by now I can't accept the facts. I feel as if in any moment I'll go crazy. My life stopped in June 23 when his beautiful eyes closed, my dear Chris, he took with him all my happiness and my desires to keep on with everything here, I need him so much, I still have so much love to give him, I'm so in love with him, all I want is to be with him. Just months ago I was so happy and now I'm living a nightmare that has no end. When going to bed as I'm falling asleep I watch the pictures of him I carry in my mobile, I cry mostly when looking at them, I talk to him, I even kiss him...he still looks so alive to me.. Wednesday it's his Birthday, he would be 31, and this is just another painful day I'll have to go through. I was so afraid for October to come, oct. the first was terrible, I cried all day and night, I just wanted to stop time, and today it hits me again. Its silly to think time could stop somehow but I just wish it could desperately, I want to remember his last birthday as it was, and not like this, knowing he's not here anymore. I love him so much.. I know you all understand me.. this is one of those days in which the grief is just bigger than me.