LisaAnnB

I agree Fae, I've come to look to Marty first for advice & guidance. I would be worse off than I am if it wasn't for her. Last night after I got my crying out in the shower, I went down & told my husband all that I've been feeling lately. He held me & let me sob or & then yell for over an hour. He lost his Dad 25 yrs ago so he's had experience with it & now has lost my Dad who became a surrogate father to him so i felt so bad for making him sad again. He was furious at our friend who told me to get over it & is worried about medications since his ex wife became addicted & suicidal from ani depressants but he supports my going to the dr. & wants me to tell him more. He also knows that I am my Father's daughter & keep silent probably when I shouldn't. I had trouble sleeping last night & must have been crying again because my pillow was wet. But I swear I could hear, very clearly, a little girl say "She's so sad, Daddy. Look at her tears. You need to dry them for her." and felt something on my cheek. Could have been a dream & just myself wiping them myself. But my sister died 2 years before I was born, when she was 4, & I've always felt we've had this magical connection. I've also heard that same voice & same thing "She's sad." during the day after I've gotten off the phone with Mom. "Mommy's really sad now Dad. You have to make her better." Insane?

Thank you Marty & KayC & annette. I do understand that it might be hard for my friends-they're used to me being one way & then suddenly I've changed & they've never experienced a death of a parent. I don't think I've necessarily changed for the worse-I do feel more compassion towards those I know who are going through this too & utter gratitude for the people who have been kind to me or my family during this time. I write a weekly article for our local newspaper for the arts council/art gallery I run & I mentioned my parents a lot [they were wonderful inspiration]. A couple weeks ago I wrote my normal article & didn't realize that I had mentioned them again [hadn't since Dad's passing]. One of my regular guests/acquaintance came in to the gallery the day after the article ran & gave me a HUGE hug-she'd known about Dad & Mom & said it felt good to her to read about my Dad again. I also got a call that night from some friends of theirs who live here & they started crying on the phone because they remembered & had forgotten the thing I wrote about. I know everyone's grief story & timeline is different & I hope like you said KayC that it is just a situational depression or grief. I can't continue like this. For one thing I can't afford the kleenex.

So, how do I know if it's just grief or depression? I can't believe that in all the crap I've gone through in my life where I SHOULD have become depressed & didn't but THIS knocks me on my behind.......If tears are good for cleaning out the soul then my body should be very clean by now. I can't even post on here without tearing up. And with the progression of Mom's dementia I'm afraid it might get worse.

I was so proud of myself for getting a handle on my grief over Dad's death a couple months ago. But lately I'm mired down in deep sadness. Lots of tears every night & even at random times such as driving home. Music really sets me off-Dad & Mom loved it. My Mom is still alive but temporarily living with my sisters in Texas until we can decide what to do with her when she gets back north-she has dementia that is progressing quickly. I was a total Dad's girl & he was one of my best friends. I live less than an hour from Mom & Dad; have always lived within a couple hours so I could be in the state in case they needed me since the rest of my sisters live in Texas or Iowa. Even when Mom & Dad would spend winters in Texas I never was sad like this. #1. I knew they would both be back in March. #2 I had both of them. Now I have 1 left & sometimes with Moms' dementia it's like I don't have her either. My grief is all consuming the last few weeks & I HATE IT! I"m a 40-something woman who needs her parents & I really thought I'd be stronger than I am. I hide it all the time, even from my husband, so I don't worry him. And I have to hide it even from close friends because I actually had one tell me to "snap out of it & go get some happy pills. It's been 3 months already. Can't you be more positive?" So guess what? I'm going to go see a doctor & ask for some damn happy pills to make everyone else happy. They won't even let me talk about him because they don't understand it & they think it makes me sad. Yes, I AM SAD. I lost my friggin Father & I have these great memories that I can't even share out loud! A year ago on Valentine's Day I lost my best friend & yes I'm sad about that too. They don't know that every night I go in to take a shower because it's a nice safe place to cry loudly & then come out & smile for everyone since that's what "they" expect to see. I have to admit that as hard as that is to do but I"m probably depressed-something I've never allowed myself to be. Here I thought I was doing so good-oops. I'm hurt & sad & even angry [but not sure why] & I just want them back.

My family has suffered another sad death this week: my 62 year old cousin passed away yesterday from mestatic breast cancer-her 3rd fight with breast cancer. It's so sad because of how hard she fought to beat it 3 times. We come from a very large clan & her family are all like siblings to my family. Friday I had called her sister to tell her I'd be up this coming Saturday to bring a shoe box of photos of their family & our other cousins, I'd found while sorting all Mom & Dad's so her & her sister & other family could enjoy them while Denise was still alive. She said Denise had been having some pretty decent days even with hospice coming in every day & that they'd look forward to seeing the photos. Guess now we can look at them after the funeral. A bit surreal is that her funeral is Friday-exactly 3 months after my Dad died. It's going to be a really tough day & I don't know exactly how to deal with all these different emotions. Was just getting a grip on Dad's death but I have a tough time on many Fridays [THE day, not the date] as it is. I know Dad & the rest of our angel family were there to greet her. My parents were her God parents & Mom is taking this very hard too; she's in Houston with some of my sisters & can't get back so another sister, a brother & I will be representing our family. OH & we also got the news that my Mom's last living sister in law is in critical condition after a fall this week & it's not looking good. Oh & on Valentine's Day we get to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of my best friend's death. I'll actually be travelling to Kansas City with 20 friends & former co-worker to send up gold crown balloons in front of the Hallmark Crown Center to celebrate her life & how we all met [working for Hallmark corporate]. Thought 2013 was going to be better & not filled with death.

I agree with KayC-your parents are together sharing their day. I'm sure every day is a special day for you to remember them, some more special than others but I'm not sure you want to forget those days, do you? Even with the pain the memories you have from past days should help it not hurt as much? good luck with the hypno therapist-hope it can bring some relief.

Next week on the 26th will be 3 months since Dad's death. That first month I didn't think I'd survive the grief. The second I discovered I could- even with Christmas being the day before the 2month mark & not as many tears as I expected. Now I can actually laugh at some of the memories of our family & wonder why did Dad do some of the things he did. Or even laugh at wondering why did he take so many photos of deer, elk & mountains & then make 3 copies of each photo? The same elk! Really Dad? I know he had a story to tell about them but I can look towards the heavens & imagine him looking down on me & laughing & thinking "the joke's on her now." i've been given the job of going through & sorting through the thousands of photos of 63 years of Mom & Dad's life [Dad died at 4 am on Oct. 26 & they celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary on the 25th]. So I'm getting to relive many aspects of my Dad's life from these pictures. Took me these 2 1/2 months before I could look at any of him alone without crying but now I see them & smile though there are sometimes tears in my eyes but they don't always fall down my face. He was so vibrant and handsome & strong & amazing. After these months my brother, who lives near Mom & Dad's house, says even after this time the family gets 3 or 4 cards from people for Dad & we've been told there are hundreds of masses being said in Dad's memory. I do get frustrated by my friends who seem to think that since I'm going about my life like [they think] I used to that I'm over my grief & I no longer feel a loss which we all know is a complete falsity-the loss never goes away, we just get better at masking it. I just don't grieve publicly anymore-since that does make people uncomfortable & me too. Besides, I can hear Dad's voice "hey now, it's ok. I'm ok. You'll be ok. Mom will be ok. Hang tight for her now, she needs you." I can still hear his voice-I'm afraid I'll forget that someday and that, plus the feel of his hand over mine, is what I'm afraid of losing the most. BUT there are good things that came of all this. My dream since i was 10 has been to have something I've written be ready by people outside my community. Yes, I have a weekly newspaper column for my local paper & I"m proud of it. Since my parents were often a main topic of those columms Dad would mail copies of it to all his friends ["Look what my kid did again this week"] & like when my siblings & i were young, they'd go up on the fridge. But thanks my new friend Marti here something I wrote after Dad's death has (hopefully) been read by more than just some newspaper readers and I know Papa is giving me a thumbs up over it. Guess he's still providing my inspiration.

Shelley: sending you lots of big hugs right now. People probably do care what's going on but they might be having a hard time showing it & may be afraid to do the wrong thing so they show/do nothing, which isn't right because I'm sure that right now even a hug or a kind word would be good for you. Does anyone ask about her? Ask you to share memories about her [are you ready to do that because it might be tough to do so]? Share you favorite memory of her with me/us here-I'd love to read them. Even a small one might be a start such as tell me/us 1 of your favorite Christmas memories with her.

My Dad passed away on October 26, 2012. 9 weeks ago. Yesterday, New Year's Day at 1:30 AM, was the first time I was able to finally look at photos of him & smile-a big accomplishment for me as I have cried each & every time I see his photo. I think I was even able to tell a memory of him without crying. I've been given the job/honor of sorting through the many many many shoe boxes of photos my parents had taken & collected in the 63 yrs they were married. When I'd get to ones with Him in it I'd have to turn the photo upside down & put in a separate pile to scan onto the computer. Had to turn them upside down so I wouldn't cry as I saw them; even managed to scan them perfectly without looking at one. Sad-huh? After coming home from a New Year's party the sky was perfectly filled with stars & I suddenly felt some peace come through my body. So, I rushed up & grabbed some of those photos, along with a big warm quilt & gloves [3 degrees outside here in Nebraska] & went & sat-wrapped in the blanket-on my front porch & looked through those photos. Occasionally I'd look up at the North star [Dad's star-he & I would wish on it together no matter if we were together or not] & I could SMILE as I looked at all the photos of him & remember where each one was taken. Some were taken in the mountains, by a lake & I knew that those were his Heaven on earth. I just had this amazing sense of peace come over me like it was finally ok & that I know now that I & my family can & will go on without him & that Mom will be ok, too. He's watching out for all of us. I could even laugh at a couple of them too. I think that was his New Year's gift to me. I still tear up-tearing up a bit writing this-but I can smile through those tears. I know what an incredible man he was & we will always have those memories & he'll be right here in my heart forever. I can even laugh thinking of him & some of our adventures.

Marty: I have sent this link & a hard copy of the page with Superman on it to my Mom & my siblings & friends & have gotten so much wonderful & positive response to it. Thank you for reprinting it!! It has caused many tears-mostly happy ones-as everyone in my family have these memories of Dad. My husband celebrated his 62nd birthday on Christmas & as a "gift" to him I found a birthday card talking about a husband being Superman to a wife & inside it I wrote that I thought Dad would be happy to allow my husband to become a "new" Superman for me & our daughter. He told me it was the greatest gift he's ever received as he held Dad in very high esteem. Thank you. I have been told by several people that I should be writing more on this subject but not sure how or where. If you'd have any suggestions I'd welcome them. Lisa

Shelley: I can totally relate to what you're going through. My Dad died Oct. 26 this year & I am struggling with the Christmas spirit. I really want to be all happy & perky & all about it, like I usually am but I just can't. I did put up some decorations-but no big tree or any lights & my husband put up some outside lights. I shopped & am baking but it's not the same, not only because I don't have the physical energy for it but the emotional energy too. I cry whenever I listen to Christmas music but have found I've become almost desperate for a spiritual connection & have gone to church [which I haven't gone to in some time]. It's not easing the pain but making me need it more. I think I'm just lucky that my daughter & stepson are grown so I don't have to fake the fun/perky thing with them. Not looking forward to the actual Christmas eve & day at all-Thanksgiving was bad enough as it was. Good luck with your holiday.

In my world, Superman wears red suspenders, not a red cape. In my world Superman married Lois Lane [aka Bonnie K. or Mom to us] and had 9 kids & even more grandkids for 63 years. In my world, Superman was not a reporter or novelist although he loved to tell stories; he worked several jobs & gave it his all. In my world, Superman DID have x-ray vision [i could never get away with anything it seemed], invulnerability, compassion beyond belief, faith, love, forgiveness [i've done many things he didn't have to forgive me for but did], hands filled with so much strength yet held my child with the greatest tenderness, and so much more. In my world, Superman's allies were everyone. "There are no strangers you know." In my world, Superman loved to watch old movies while lying on his belly with a grandchild on his back, after which they'd eat ice cream & chocolate syrup & sprinkles if he had them. In my world, Superman's story continues in the memories he's left behind. In my world Superman was my DAD. In my world Superman now lives in Heaven. ~~~ by lisa becker rosendahl

Thank you all for your advice. Thanksgiving was tough but I survived with only 1 melt down. I get so frustrated because I can't even look at His photos without tearing up & he had this amazing smile that I miss. I'm scared that I'll forget his voice & his laugh. One question [of many I'm sure to ask]: why are people afraid to ask me about him or talk to me about it? Are people that afraid that I might cry? I NEED to talk about him-he was this amazing man-and I do journal now all this stuff. But it's ok to talk to me about it, if I tear up it's not for long. Attending the local grief support group is not an option-the moderator/leader is an acquaintance of mine who runs the local hospice office & is not known for her discretion so I am here for guidance. It is all so confusing & my siblings are not a tight supportive group-8 kids each with different opinions on all of it including what to do with my 82 yr old mother who has dementia. The good thing is that I have a very good "chosen" family [the friends we choose to be family vs the family we're born with] & a supportive husband who has a good family too. They don't allow me to wallow in the grief no matter how much I want to. My husband & a couple friends even talked me into doing some Christmas decorating at home & even hosting a small holiday gathering of friends-they know I usually really enjoy this. I go into the shower every night & allow myself a 10 minute melt down when I need it so my husband doesn't constantly get the tears.

Hi, I'm very new here & to all this grief stuff. My 84 yr old Dad passed away on October 26, 2012-16 days ago. Exactly 1 day after celebrating his 63 wedding anniversary to my Mom. He went peacefully, surrounded by our whole family & with Mom holding his hand. Last June he survived a major hemorrhagic stroke & after therapy for a few months was able to go home to his house with Mom. Last winter we almost lost him twice but he pulled through. The Tuesday before he passed away he'd fallen, gone to the hospital & was diagnosed with kidney failure & heart failure & the dr's gave him a round of dialysis hoping a 3rd miracle would happen. Nope. I am a 40-something woman who desperately misses her Daddy & I really don't know how to deal with this or what to do. Thankfully I live only an hour from my Mom who suffers from dementia & I am the only daughter that lives in the state. My eldest sister is staying with Mom until all the stupid Social Security stuff gets taken care of, & then Mom will go stay with my sisters in Texas for a few months until there is an opening at the assisted living facility which we've picked out for Mom & where my aunt also lives. My husband & I were, thankfully, the last family to be with Dad when he was feeling pretty good Wednesday night so we got to talk & visit with him & hold his hand but I had a dream that night where my sister, who died when she was 4, told me that SHE needed Daddy now & so did Grandma & Grandpa & was it ok for him to come live with them now. [is this weird?] But Dad being Dad, took care of Mom until the end & refused to ruin their anniversary I'm sure that's why it happened the day it did. Doesn't help that I developed a very nasty case of cellulitis that week too. I thought I sprained my ankle hopping out of bed the morning that we got the call to hurry to the hospital & the dr's at first thought it was a blood clot but thankfully it was just that stupid infection. Please give me any advice on how to handle this. I cry at the very suggestion of anything to do with him which is alot, especially when people ask how I am. I'm not good. Can anyone give me advice please? Thank you.