ShanN

Thank you dear Anne. ((((Hugs)))) I try to imagine my Mama and my Nana finally meeting Leo... But I just can't yet. I guess it will come in time.

Thank you Anne It's five days since my love passed. But grief is not new to me. My Mama, my Nana, my Uncle.... But what's new is how gut wrenching and numb and lost this particular loss is.

I'm so sorry

I just posted above... Now I'm balling like a baby. I don't know how or if I can do this.

Some photos through our years... Some before marriage... Some of our wedding... One of him on the beach on our honeymoon. I look at photos... And it's not reality for me that he isn't on this earth anymore... I've cared front him from day one of us dating... Almost eight years. He has been my purpose. I know... He can still be my purpose... But I can't see that now. I can't feel that now. I don't know what I feel even. I feel like a ghost... A shell.

My SIL and BIL are concerned because I'm on many meds. Will be calling my therapist tomorrow to talk to the my psychiatrist, PCP, and oncologist about getting a visiting nurse so I don't get things messed up. I've had one years ago after my suicide attempt. He came in the morning and evening and all my meds were in a lock box. I really am just numb. I cried a lot lay night. But I'm just numb. I just can't imagine my love is really gone. It's 8:10 now... 4days yet feels like forever.

I have to say thank you all for your kind loving supportive words. Honestly I feel like I'm just here and life is going without me. I'm just still. I kind of feel like I'm losing my grip... I don't really remember posting the posts I have. How weird is that. I have read al, your words. My heart breaks for you all too. I mean my biggest loss has been the traumatic murder of my Mama when I was young. But my Leo is gone. I can't eve n make sense.

It's 12:30 in the morning. I've lit a candle. With three flames in it. One for my Mama, my Nana and my Leo. The three people who loved me best and meant more than words can ever ever say and who were taken way to soon. Tears are finally streaming down my face. It's like a movie is replaying in my head of my short life with Leo and the last moments Wednesday... I wanted him to wake so badly I wanted him to squeeze my hand give me a sign tell me he knew I was there. I didn't want to let him go I didn't want to stop squeezing his hand I didn't want to walk away. I can't find solace. This is gut wrenching. And Lord it's just starting.

It's sunny out. I keep waking from my naps. Reality isn't thre at first. Takes a few seconds and then I remember my lovey is gone. The sun shines I can't comprehend how the sun could still be shining, the trees blowing, children playing, people going on with life. I feel nuts for feeling this. Mary and Butch just gave me a letter and a gift Leo had given to them I guess two years ago if he one day was not around anymore. I can't get myself to open the letter or little package. How could he do that? I don't want a letter or gift I want my husband. I guess I should feel blessed I was married to him for 5 yrs and together much longer. The drs said he would be lucky to make it to 50. He made it to 52. I am blessed for every second I had him. But I don't know my purpose now. I took care of him battling all his health issues hospitalizations and surgeries. He was my life. He was my purpose Now I don't know what my life will ever be for anymore. I'm sleepy again. Took a shower while Mary and Butch were here. Had a little bit of soup and took my Valium and need to rest. This was my song to my love at our wedding and all along http://youtu.be/H059zfymYoM

Yes, my therapist knows. Has called a couple times to check on me. I know she gets it because she lost her husband four years ago. Mary is on the way way over with soup. I will try to eat something. I know I have to. Breathing is such a chore. And I want to come here and write endlessly only the words are missing...

Thank you all you are amazingly beautiful

I hoped and prayed I would never have to post here... About my love. Two days ago this time 12:45pm, my honey had another stroke. And it was decided he have a nuclear brain function test. Devastation when the neurologist said there was zero brain activity. No blood flow at all. Brain Dead. At 8:05pm after my SIL BIL my stepdaughter my MIL and FIL and then myself had a few minutes with him to "say goodbye", all life support was disconnected. He only took a few breaths and his heart beat a few times and he was gone at 8:10pm. I was made a widow at age 40. I could not let go of his hand. Could not take my head off his chest. Why doesn't this feel right or real? Why do I feel like he is still at the hospital? But why whe. I wake from sleeping does my heart jump to my throat and I cannot breathe. Why do I feel like I am going to burst out sobbing but don't. My chest hurts. Literally. All I can do is hug his pillow and sleep or stare. Mary and Butch (my SIL and BIL) are keeping calls away and people. I don't want any of it. It's been such a long time since Leo was actually here at home. I never imagined he would never come home again. Never. Never. Where do I go form here I don't know. I have a cancer battle that I don't want to fight. Ok tears now I can't let them fall I will break. Sory if none of this makes sense really nothing makes much sense now. I am going back to sleep. Reality is not in my sleep its when I wake. The Valium is helping me sleep.

What can I say. I hoped I prayed I hoped I prayed endlessly. I don't want to be a part of this club. We did not have enough time. Not nearly enough. I'm on medication to help me sleep and relax. It's like I cannot even think though. Thank you for your prayers. Family is all with Mary at their house. I want to be here in our bed. I don't want anyone here. Am lost. And numb. Going back to sleep. I want thiss to be a bad dream. My honey was my life now how can I be anymore.

Hello, This is Shannon's sister-in-law. She asked me to come put a message here to your kind group. On Wednesday, her husband and my big brother, passed away at 8:10pm. I have her home now. We are all in shock. She wanted me to convey to all of you a huge thank you for the support you have shown. I thank you as well. Leo will be cremated and we will be having a service at a later date. With Shannon's health issues, that is what seems best. Again, thank you for all your caring. Shannon will be back to post herself at some point. God Bless.

My heart is breaking. I have to say that losing Leo this way is more heart breaking than even my Mama's murder. He is done. He is not there anymore. If he were there, there would be some kind of response. But his heart beat is even slowing down. To a very low point. From all the Drs can see, it is quite evident that if he was taken off life support, it would be only a couple minutes until he would be gone because his functions are shutting down. I left and let his daughter have time with him. Though I feel he doesn't know anyone is with him. I'm laying down... Crying. But numb too. I'm praying somehow for a miracle.

Well, one... I spent last night and today up at the hospital. No change... No responses to me. Two... I came home tonight because I began getting sick again still from the chemo mon and tues. and three... I am starting g to lose bit of my hair. Oddly enough that hasn't been top on my worries. But it's happening and it's so upsetting I can't find the words. Hopefully I can get back to the hospital Sunday. My stepdaughter is with him.

Kay, Did your sister have any brain activity? I'm off to sleep (I hope). Chemo again tomorrow. Hoping I can get to Leo by Friday.

I know, I agree. And the drs are not giving up or saying no brain activity. But if he has no response at all in a few weeks they will do the test. Of course everyone is praying for a true miracle.

I am very sick. From chemo. Can't hold a typing down but sipping fluids. Leo has not had any response again. We have a few weeks of waiting. Before a brain function test. The drs know his wishes. Our BIL has made it all clear. Part of me is "ok" honoring his wishes. The other part of course won't let him go. I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. I need to go sleep.

Yes Kay, it is somewhat of a good sign that he responded, however little, to pain stimuli. But he has not responded again. I just took pain and nausea meds and am very sleep, so going to try to sleep again. I just feel so helpless.

Went to chemotherapy. Cried my eyes out most of the five hours. Leo had some responses last night. He never woke up. But he moved his hand and leg in response to pain stimuli from the neurologist. Still not sure if its good or bad. Because he won't wake up. He won't respond to his daughters voice and touch or our BIL's. Mary, his sis took me to chemo and back. Then I insisted she go up to be with him. I can care for myself after chemo. I cannot be there. I want as many people there as possible. It breaking my heart he is a hour away. I'm in bed. I've got fluids, meds, crackers etc...

I am sorry. I am finding words difficult to find right now. How much all of your words of support mean so very much to me... Yet I am utterly speechless. I have literally been in bed. Moving eating or anything is just too hard. I know I cannot be at the hospital while I am running a temp. I cannot be in ICU while running a temp. What is very difficult is that Leo ordered our BIL to make that final decision on following through on his last wishes. He did not want that burden on me. He did not think I could follow through with his wishes. I am his wife. I am not continuing my treatments this week. How can I? I need to be with him when I am physically better... No infection. My temp has gotten better. I'm on my Ativan which is helping me sleep. I hope I can get to his side tomorrow. My step daughter and our BIL are there. I'm having a cup of soup. And going back to bed. My therapist is on call tonight in the ER so she has already called to check on me. God bless you all for your kindness.

Sadly, he has a DNR order. That has always been his wish. If he does not improve in a certain time and then has no brain activity, then I know what I must do. This is destroying me. This is my worst fear. This was his worst fear.

Oh my heart... Thank you ladies for your lve and prayers. I spent time at the oncologists office getting bloodwork, getting blood, and getting an injection to boost my bone marrow to help fight the infection I have again and any in the future. While my honey was transported to a larger hospital with no change. No response at all. At some point enough time will pass when they will be doing a nuclear medicine bran scan for brain activity. I can't bear the thought of this. I can't be with him while I am sick. But he's on life support. I need to be there. I feel so helpless. I can't let go of hope that his brain will recover. I can't give up yet.

I am immensely and utterly broken, numb, lost... Tuesday night my Leo had a MASSIVE stroke. I have been literally sitting vigil at his bedside in ICU until three this afternoon. He has never had as massive a stroke as this one. They went in to relieve pressure on his brain because of it. That was very early in the wee hours Wednesday morning. He has not awoken. He has not responded in any way. I have talked to him. I have held his hand. I have prayed to God while holding him as close as they would let me. I have cried. I have held his hand to my cheek and to my heart. But no response. I had to leave because I am so exhausted and began running a temp today. It broke my soul to walk away from him. Please please please if you believe in prayer, please pray for him. Please ask that The Lord help him come through this. I can't bear the thought of losing him. But I don't want him suffering either. Our last two conversations were bad... I have been kind of pulling back from not only him but everything. Scared. And he has been so adamant about coming home. I stressed him. I have to continue my fight next week. I have to be healthy though. But how? How can I do both. How can I not be with him? I need him to wake up. My BIL is with him tonight. My SIL is with me. She is insisting I try to sleep. My psychiatrist added a dose of Ativan for my nerves. I will try to rest...