ShanN

Am awake past 2am. Need to be at the hospital at 6:30am. Am having two lymph glands removed from my neck, one from chest, and one from under arm. All on the right side. I still can't believe this is happening. I just want to be with my husband. I want to go back to when we first met and things were so seemingly "simple". Or just go far far ahead and have us both be ok.

Kay, I don't know... If I knew, I could write, but I don't know. I'm tired.

Just empty...

((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))) Anne

I am awake past 2 in the morning. I was reading through this thread. To ALL of you, my eyes shed tears for the losses of your loves, partners, soulmates. I'm so wrapped up in my darling and his failing health and now my own... It is quite difficult to read. You all have tremendous courage in your survival, no matter when you lost your loves or how old you are. Bless you all.

It's nearly 2 in the morning. Yet my mind won't stop racing. Not only do I have the tremendous fear of losing my husband. But added now to that is the even more frightening possibility that HE will lose ME. I'm just so overwhelmed. I saw very real fear in his eyes and heart. I don't want to leave him behind. He is my world and I believe I am his. I want to lay with him and soak him in and have him soak in me. My body is screaming exhaustion and here I lay awake. I took an extra klonopin to try to help. I'm anxious to see the oncologist Monday to really get this treatment underway. And understand it all. And anxious to see both my psychiatrist and therapist for support. Will try to shut my tired eyes. Again. Listening to music of the ocean.

I think I did the right thing too. It's really wearing on me having to be apart from him and feeling somewhat like I'm failing him. But I know I can't care for him until I gt through my health crisis.

Yes today is our anniversary. I spent two hours alone with my dear. But he "sensed" something was not right. I insisted I was fine. Just tired. I left while he ate his lunch. I called my SIL and BIL. I told my SIL that I had to explain things to Leo. But I couldn't do it alone. They came down and stayed with us when I told him how ill I am and what will be happening. He took it better than I thought. I only decided to tell him because cognitively he is doing really well. His sister reassured him that she would be by my side as things happen. He said he wanted to come home. I told him I really need him to stay where he is where others can watch him and care for him round the clock, because right now I can't. It was a difficult day. But I treasure every second with him. For him and myself. I'm exhausted. Hoping to sleep. Just got my temp down finally. Goodnight.

Thanks Mary. Yes indeed, I have my therapist when I need her. It 1am and I'm just laying here remembering our anniversary and the day we took our vows and all that we have been through. It's bittersweet for sure. :-/

I appreciate all of you. XO I slept all day today. I did not speak to my love. But my SIL told him I will see him tomorrow for our anniversary. I'm so overwhelmed. I have never been able to keep things from him... I don't know how I will be able to keep my health crisis from him. I'm trying to think of him because I refuse to get him agitated and worried, ESP when he is in his "confused" states. But he is my partner. He is who I need. I think I am not going to say anything tomorrow... But instead speak to the social worker there and ask if she will be with me when I tell him. I cannot do it alone. Then have to leave him alone. (Yes, I know, in my health crisis... I am still thinking of him first). I know many of you may think that I'm not caring for myself first, but I really am doing my best. My diagnosis is Non-Hodgins Lymphoma, stage 2. I will be having surgery first. Then chemo rounds and radiation. The schedule is not set yet. But will be ASAP. So I need to tell hubby very soon. I'm wiped out. Aside from talking to the Dr and my SIL, I've only been able to sleep. And take pain meds and fever meds. I'm determined to just let my time with Leo tomorrow the anniversary of our wedding... To be light and happy.

Thank you all. Marty, I had to read the article twice to really absorb it but it makes a lot of sense. Even though I have not lost Leo... I have spent years caring for him, worrying for him. And losing my Mom the way I did. And my caring for her Mom, my Nana, who had cancer twice and watched her decline for years following my Papa's death then my Mom's... Broke her spirit. I guess that has happened to me too. Including the physical and sexual abuse through my childhood. I knew it caused a low immune system in myself as well as high BP and bipolar and anxiety and depression... Never would have imagined cancer. I'm not sure yet how or when to tell Leo this news. It's still not quite setting in for me. I do have my SIL and BIL and nephew and niece. It took all of my strength tonight to talk to Leo by phone and not fall to pieces. Our anniversary is Saturday and he wants to see me. So for now that is my immediate goal. I saw my therapist today and it was difficult to tell her because she just lost her daughter my age Nov 4th. But she is amazing. I will have a treatment plan when all of my test results come back next week. I'm so tired. Exhausted. Numb. Heavy hearted. All at once.

It is officially my 40th birthday. But yesterday I got news from the oncologist/hematologist. I am in pure shock. It's looking like I have lymphoma. I am going for more specified testing the next two days. What this means for me what this means for my marriage and ability to care for my husband. I don't know. I can't even grasp that yet. But this sure explains why I've been sick so long. I will update when I can. Prayers for all affected my the Boston bombings. Breaks my heart at the endless violence in this country.

Can't even tolerate the BRAT diet. Bananas, yes but not even toast or applesauce. Just fluids. My SIL has brought me stuff. Will certainly let you know about Wed. Thurs is my 40th birthday. But that means nothing to me compared to our anniversary. Going to try to sleep.

Thank you. I'm started feeling better and now it's back again. Getting concerned. But I see the hematologist/oncologist on Wednesday. Getting nervous. The weather here has been 45 then 70. It's crazy. Leo is asking for me. I haven't seen him in so long because of this illness. I wrote him a letter that my SIL gave him. I hope by Saturday I will be better enough to see him. It's our wedding anniversary.

Not really talking to him as I don't want to agitate him. But his sister and BIL are seeing him later.

Thnk you ladies. I know I have received a few private messages. Thank you. I'm sleeping most of the time. Drinking but not much eating. Leo is having a better day today. God bless. I will do my best to keep in better touch.

I have not been able to see Leo in over a week. I've been very sick. My appointment with the hematologist/oncologist is in a week. My red counts and now my white count and lymphocytes are all messed up. So I'm very nervous about seeing the specialist. Leo is doing ok but asking about me off and on. He is still struggling with bronchial pneumonia. On constant antibiotics. I honestly have been sleep A LOT. Which is not like me. The dr says that's because of my blood counts and why I'm seeing the specialist. I just woke up at 6:30 and its 8 now and am so tired and going back to bed.

Been very sick all week since late on April 1st... The anniversary of my Mom's murder. I feel very alone. I can't see my husband. He can't talk on the phone. He has declined this week as well with health. I'm so alone, I'm so scared, I have the weight of so much on my shoulders. I am losing him. I'm feeling so sick still. And will be quite a while before I'm better enough to see him.

I have a question... Completely unrelated here. Have you heard of having a strep infection in the intestinal tract? I'm still very sick. And my dr has diagnosed this. I did sleep last night.

The anniversary is still hitting me. My 40th birthday is on the 18th and our wedding anniversary is the 20th and its so hard without Leo. I'm still very sick. The ER contacted my dr this morning. He has me on Zithromax because of cause or concern that this big flu may be a precursor to pneumonia... With the very high temps and body pain. I took the first dose... I held it down but it is making me nauseas and making my loose stools worse. But at least I got it in me. Obviously I cannot see Leo for a while. I had an hour nap. I need like a 48 hour nap... Seriously.

April 1st was so difficult. Unfortunately early yesterday morn I started getting really sick. Vomiting diarrhea severe body aches and fever. So bad. I ended up going to the ER at 1am this morning. My thermometer broke but when I got there they took it, it was 103.2. Orally. I new it was probably about 102... Didn't think it was that high. Took them four tries to get a vein for bloodwork and IV because I'm so dehydrated. They gave me three big bags of fluids. Promethazine for my tummy and lomotil for my loose stools. And IV Motrin and Tylenol. I picked up a bad flu. They said it may be a week to ten dys to get better. I'm home it's 9am. I'm feeling worse again. But I just have to ride it out. Sipping on water and ginger ale when less nauseas. I totally need sleep... Constant sleep. But with going to the bathroom often, it's very tough.

((((Hugs)))) I have this dream of my Mom very much.

Thank you. I'm struggling. My emotions are really affecting my physical pain. My fibromyalgia is really flaring up. My body feels like its going to crumble. I slept an hour. My eyes are burning from tears... Endless.

Today has been horrific. I made it to church on minimal rest. Saw my therapist. Spe t time with Leo. Unfortunately... He has pneumonia once again. It's affecting his congestive heart failure. In about a half hour, it will be exactly 24 yrs since my stepfather stole my Mom's life and the tears are falling, my heart is so heavy, and its so hard to find words. It's very ironic... It was sunny today... It's been thunder storming here for the past 30 mins. It's like the weather is taking on my feelings, grief and tears.

Going to church in an hour. Feeling really sick. I've got to hold it together for my Mama