ShanN

Crying my eyes out. Chemo has not worked so far. Things are worse. Having surgery. Then much more aggressive chemo and radiation and then a bone marrow transplant. Tomorrow night is four weeks. Twenty eight days. Since my Leo left this earth. I need him more than I ever have before. I'm in for the fight of my life. And I've been here trying to digest things for the last day, wondering if I even have enough fight in me. How can I when my world was just taken away. My reason for living. I'm having surgery Thursday morning. So I won't be around. Then I will be staying in the hospital because very high dose chemo and radiation will follow before I can get the healthy bone marrow that will be donated from my brother who is a match thank God. Ironically though he and I have been on non speaking terms. But he is my big brother and I love him. So things are changing there. He will be coming out from CA with his wife and two youngest boys... Jake 5 and Jackson 14mos. Whom I've yet to meet. I hope and pray I have the strength to win this fight. It feels impossible though because I'm so shattered still in shock and in a fog losing my Leo-bear. I'm scared. But I'm scared to exist without him. I'm not much scared of this cancer. I'm crying. My heart hurts. My world was him. Just like my world was my Mama when my stepfather killed her when I was 15. Two very different circumstances, yet so similar because my world has been shattered and taken away. Will thse tears stop. It hurts so deeply to sob this hard.

I love you all... I'm so sorry you can all relate and know how I'm feeling. It's sad. But it's comforting. It's like you all are the only ones who truly "get it" ((((((Hugs)))))) to each and every one of you. XO

Hi Marietta, Kat, and Anne, Thank you for replying. Thank you for understanding my words... When all seems so impossible. All of you here have been such a support. This is not a place any of us should be... Yet it is the best place to be. (((((Hugs)))) Anne, the chemo is grueling. Quite honestly I don't want to do it at all. But I know Leo would want me to fight. Seeing oncologist in the morning for tests. Praying its working.

I've got so many photos. And I'm actually smiling right now. Because I love seeing the many faces of my love. He was such a funny light hearted always joking man. A big kid. That's why I am smiling. But still it's just so surreal.

Thank you Fae and Mary.

Oh Anne, I'm so very sorry to read that you have heart failure. My Leo had congestive heart failure. And drs said 10 yrs ago he would not live to see 50. He lived to 52. And when I say lived... He truly lived! But he had immense trouble accepting his illnesses as so serious and the restrictions and things he had to give up. I'm so lost in his very recent loss that I have so much I could type to you... Encouraging things... But words fail me. Other than to say, Drs think they know everything. They are not perfect. YOU have to give yourself time to accept your diagnosis, but try to not let the health care professionals dictate your future. Take one day at a time. And know you have strength to fight whatever each day brings. ((((((Hugs))))))) and love

These two photos were of one of my honey's last days at home. I have literally stared at these most of today just laying in bed next to where his place was, is, and will always be. And I look at him and it is so beyond my comprehension that he no longer is on this earth, that it will be four weeks this Wednesday, that I can't hear his goofy humor, and his smile that always melts my heart, that I can't just sit or lay and stare at him as he sleeps, and caress his beard and his chin and he never woke... It's like he knew it was me there beside him, that I can't hear his grumpy sleepy complaints that I would tease him about, that I can't lock my fingers with his and hold his hand laying my head on his chest.... He is just gone... And looking at photos... It's just so incomprehensible to me that he was once my everything and my sunshine and every breath I take and now he is just gone and life is going on everywhere the sun still shines the birds still sing but my world is just gone. It feels so much bigger than me, I can't grasp this.

Why do people send cards saying things like "thank God he is in the safe arms of The Lord"? While I believe in some sort of Heaven and God... This is very hard. I want to scream at them that my Leo should be safe in my arms!! And tell everyone to just offer hugs, love, and to listen. Am I being too sensitive here??? I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. I sure feel lost, spinning, foggy and crazy. So I guess it's just me... I don't know what's happening to me. Mary moved some of his things. Little things... His CPAP machine, his med box, his laptop, his toothbrush, razor, deodorant, shower chair, walker... Shr didn't throw them away or even put them away... Just moved them to one place. And she washed many of his clothes... Why am I so bent out of shape over this. Angry? Don't know... Just really agitated... Nothing is making any sense.

Beautiful Mary.

Thank you all so much. I guess I can't say that enough

I'm home and I'm still so numb. In the three weeks two dys since my Leo's death I have heard countless things like "he was a great man" "he is in a better place" "it was his time" etc... Yes he was a great man. But his place is with me! And our time was way too short... How could it ever be his time! His time is supposed to be many more years with me! I'm so tired. I don't understand. I don't even want to understand this. Yes, I understand loss because I've lost the greatest people in my life so young. But he was my world. I'm lost. I don't know which way to walk now. I don't even know how to breathe without much effort. His ashes arrived earlier this week. I came home to ashes. Not to him. My SIL put them next to his twin brothers ashes. I can't even touch the urn or look at the shelf. How do I comprehend. It's too much.

I'm home now. Life is a blur. Thank you for thinking of me as always. Please forgive me if I can't read posts right now. I just want to let y'all know I'm home. ((((Hugs))))

MESSAGE FROM SHAN: I brought Shan's iPad to her room this afternoon thinking maybe she would like to post to you all. But she had no interest because of feeling ill from chemo plus just very lost over Leo's death. (To say the least) However, she wanted me to say thank you, as I read your replies to her. She sends thanks and hugs. She really is trying so hard to pull away from everyone. Hoping she will come home Thursday. She has chemo Wednesday again. And of course I will be staying with her. Hugs, Mary

UPDATE ON SHAN, She is staying inpatient this week but no longer in the psych unit. She resumes Chemotherapy tomorrow and will be in the regular hospital floor, in her own room, but with a 24 hour "sitter" for her safety. She is not expressing urges to hurt herself, but with the recent events, it is a precaution. And she will still be seen by her psychiatrist and evaluated accordingly. I am sure Rose, her therapist, will visit her as well. She is still very vulnerable emotionally and physically which effect one another. So we all are praying this round of chemo won't be too harsh. Mary

Hello, I just want to keep you updated on how Shan is doing. She is improving. She is med compliant and swallowing her meds. She is also eating, though very little. She is attending some of the groups. But apparently really only talking to her Dr when he meets with her daily. She is aware that tomorrow is two weeks since Leo passed. And she is aware that tomorrow is also nine years since Leo's twin (my other brother) passed on. Her grief for Leo is so overwhelming at times that she is just still and stoic and then at other times so overwhelming that she does indeed cry hard the past couple days. Her suicidal ideations are still very much there. It is so hard to see her go through this, because I lost my big brother, as I lost his twin, my other big brother, and as much pain I am experiencing, her pain is so much more. I know that losing Leo has been like when she lost her Mom, in the sense that while she was present, though under very different circumstances, there were no goodbyes. And her Mom, I know was her world for 15 years. Just as I know my brother was her world for over seven years. I know how difficult it was to give herself to Leo knowing full well his major health issues and the potential for losing him. But she did and she gave him all of her heart, soul, body, mind, and THAT means she trusted without condition. That is so much of why she is so devastated. Because after the trauma of losing her Mom, her first world, she loved Leo with just as much heart and all of her grief from her Mom's death to others deaths are all being brought back again now that she lost her love. It's hard even for me to "see the forest through the trees", but I love my SIL with all my heart and I will fight beside her everyday until she can fight on her own two feet again. I did tell her that all of you are praying for her and she just hugged me. So thank you. Blessings, Mary

Hi friends, Shannon is receiving great care. Her psychiatrist is her Dr on the inpatient unit. He knows her well enough and has not changed any of her current medications. He has added Risperdal to her regimen. Because she is still not talking, not much responsive to others, and not compliant in swallowing her pills or eating... She is getting most of her meds in shot form or in her IV. She is getting fluids and when I am there I get her to drink most of an Ensure drink. This afternoon, she was a little bit more responsive to myself, Butch, and her stepdaughter. An encouraging sign there and that she is most responsive to her therapist, who visited her today as she was on call in the ER anyhow. We know she is in there somewhere. She has survived so much in her 40 years. She will come through this too. Mary

Thank you so much. I see how Shannon is loved here and holds a connection to you all. I am staying here at her place while she is in the hospital. My husband is back at our home because he needs to work tomorrow. I will be staying here going through some financial papers for Shannon and other paperwork and some other things. I don't want to just leave the place alone while she is gone. And I feel closer to Leo here. June 12 will be 9 years since my other brother (Leo's twin) passed away from the very same health issues. Sadly our little sister in Maryland can not come up here as she had a massive heart attack back in February and while she is home, she is not cleared to travel medically. So our family is managing as well as possible. I will keep you updated on Shan. Again, thank you for your love and prayers for her and our family. God Bless you all... Mary

Hello. This is Shannon's BIL. My wife is with Shannon at the hospital. She is being admitted to the inpatient psych unit. My wife said to go ahead and post an update here for you kind folks. Shannon has not been eating much. She has been in bed. We brought her to her therapist's this morning and she and the Dr were very concerned with her state of mind and lack of response. So the Dr sent her to get admitted. Leo's death has been devastating to our entire family. Only Shannon is just keeping to herself. She will be watched closely. The will evaluate her medications. And keep her hydrated and nourished however possible. Hopefully when her next round of chemotherapy comes, they will handle that as well. Mary and I thank you all for being here for our dear SIL. I tried to post a new topic but did not figure it out. I am not as computer savvy as my wife. God bless you all on your own journeys. Regards, Butch and Mary

It has been one week three hours and thirty mins since my love joined my Mama and my Nana and others and his twin brother in Heaven. It is still very surreal and numbing yet painful at the same time. Not many tears. I really am very kind of almost aloof, detached, stoic... Most hours in the day. I do remember after my Mama's murder when I was 15... I felt this way very often... Especially trying to get through high school. But it feels so different with Leo. I don't know. I just can't seem to make sense...

Thank you Mary from Arkansas. I'm so sorry for your loss too. Kay, the fever is hanging on. I've got a respiratory infection going on. Had to get fluids today as I was dehydrated.

Kay, No it came down for a few hrs and is back to 102. I'm on Levaquin and two inhalers and nebulizer treatments and prednisone. My next chemo is in two weeks. So hopefully this was caught in time and will be getting better. Having a hard time sleeping. I'm just laying holding Leo's pillow.

Kay, yes Mary is my maid of honor and Butch was Leo's best man. Leo's sis and BIL. I'm having a hard time breathing today and fever and cough. Oncologist put me on meds.

I only read a little of this thread. We all have a purpose. Certainly losing my Leo 6dys ago has cruely changed my purpose. But I don't want any of you here to be on "the want to die list". There is strength in numbers. And our numbers, the strength here is immense. I don't know what I'm trying to say because saying or thinking anything right now is so hard... But I hope I make a little sense.

It's 2:30 in the morning. I woke with a fever, shaking, coughing, wheezing, body aches. I know I'm so much more susceptible to infection with this grief. The cancer, I've not much thought about since losing Leo Wednesday. It is so unimportant to me I guess. It doesn't matter much. I know I have to fight. But my love is gone. Mary is awake with me. She misses her big brother. She lost Leo's twin 9 yrs ago and now him. If my temp gets much higher in the next hour we are going to the ER. It was 102 when I woke an hour ago... Took Tylenol.

Fae, All I have to offer are (((((hugs))))) And love...