ShanN

(((((Hugs))))) Fae. Thank you.

Yes indeed, very tired. I've literally slept all day away. I had to force myself to wake up a few minutes ago. Simply because I know I have to keep hydrated and try to eat a little as well. Having some soup. Otherwise, I just want to sleep, obviously because what's going on physically, but also emotionally just wanting to "escape". I have a bit of a lump in my throat and teary eyes. I just want my Mom. That's all. Hope to get back to sleep easily after eating drinking taking meds and talking to Leo.

Thinking of everyone who are missing their Mama's, who lost them, who never really had them available in life, Mother's who have lost children. And missing grandMother's too. Prayers for today. I know I am hurting. Doesn't matter when or how you lose your Mom or Mother figure... It never goes away. ((((((Hugs))))))

This song really speaks volumes because in the 15 yrs my Mom was alive... I cared more for her than I did myself. I sat with her at a very young age when she cried so often, I heard the abuse my stepfather inflicted upon her and often comforted her afterwards, I loved her beyond anything more than myself. But I'm now after all these years angry that she didn't keep me safe. Regardless of her ability at the time.. Bottom line she was my Mom, she should have kept me safe. And all the trauma from his abuse on me and her just fell onto me. And his taking her life... Fell onto me. Yet, still she is my hero. I love no one more than I loved her. I miss her on this 24th Mothers Day without her. But the 15 yrs I had with her will live on for a lifetime.

This is really a new place I am in being angry at my Mom for not knowing and not protecting me from such horrid abuse. And even angry at her staying with him through abuse and angry for dying even though he killed her. How horrible of a daughter am I for being angry at her for dying when none of it was her fault?! It's just all foreign to me. Overwhelming. And the first instinct is to hide away. Rose said my physical frailties right now is probably a large part of why I'm feeling new things regarding my grief and trauma. Tomorrow, is heartbreaking or me. I am not going to church for obvious reasons... Do not want to subject my immune system to germs. But Rose is going... She goes to the same church. And my Mom will be remembered in the mass intentions. I miss her so much yet I am angry yet she was brutally taken from me. It's all so much for sure. In a lot of pain... Very tired. But that is expected from the chemo. But I have another week to recover further. Week from Monday I continue. Leo wants to come home. And. Can't keep arguing with him about that and the reason he needs to be where he is or his own sake. It's exhausting to have the same conversation over and over.

Mary, I saw my therapist today. Only I got angry and walked out. I don't do anger. I then spoke to her by phone a bit later. I'm angry at my Mom for really the first time in all these yrs. and I don't know what to do with that or how to handle it. That she didn't protect me from abuse and rape. And I feel horrible guilt for the anger. I will get through it somehow. Trying to do so without shutting people out. That is my automatic pilot.

I'm sorry you were hit too. My body is in a lot of pain from the accident as well as just not feeling well.

You know what hurts? You know what hurts more than any physical pain I have... More than anything in this world... Is that yes, I held my Mama's hand, yes I held her in my arms... When she died... After my stepfather shot her. I held her, I held her so close, I squeezed her hand. But she was gone. She was just gone... I'm being haunted tonight by that. Yes, I was there. Yes, I held her in my arms. Yes I held her hand. Yes, I touched her face. But she was gone. I don't know if she knew I was holding her. Because she was gone... He shot her in the head. My heart hurts more than anything has ever hurt before. Crying like a child. Crying like I've never cried in 24 yrs. 15 yrs was not enough time and 24 yrs since has been much too long.

Ok... When it rains, it pours. Actually, when it pours... It floods! I had an 8am dr appointment. My SIL took me. We were waiting at a red light. By the hospital. And some fool apparently was sleeping or something! Rear ended us... My car! My "baby". Took out my whole trunk! Well spent three hours in the ER. How my SIL did not suffer any effects is beyond me. Because I have horrible whip lash and my back is hurting so badly. I already have major disc issues... And degenerative disc disease. But this pain is horrible. Going up and down my back... And down my entire right leg pain, tingling... To my foot. I'm very shaken up. I didn't need this right now. Got an MRI of my back. No more disc injury than I already had. Just a lot of effect from impact. So just got home. Am having some soup. And SIL is picking up pain meds. Will be aching for a while. But those hospital bills and getting my poor car fixed that persons insurance will pay. Uuuugghhhh.

Thank you all I was in the hospital from late Saturday until late yesterday. Finally got the infection I had under control... Fever is nothing now. Also was in great pain which is a side effect of chemo... But am on some knock out meds now. Just woke up... Had to pee like a race horse... LOL. Got a couple weeks for oncologist to adjust treatment. But not too much will be adjusted because more aggressive they are, the better chance in the long run. Marty I just saw your post. I'm sorry I missed that. Been away and haven't read here until now... 4am. Going back to sleep. I'm not really awake right now... Just partially. Hugs.

Hi. All of your support means more to me than you can know. Fae... I love your teddy bear story. I have so many many stuffed animals... Unfortunately non from my childhood because the bastard who took my Mom from me took my childhood treasures too... Before he took her. "I was not worthy of such things". "I was a bad bad girl". I do however have many stuffed animals from Leo he has gotten me through our years before marriage, before dating, just as friends and many since. A huge floppy bunny... Periwinkle who is just that color, another big bunny... Sky who is flat on her tummy floppy who is sky blu, a pink gorilla... Danielle, Leo named her, and a big teddy bear... Very big... Named "Nana-bear" because e got me her when my Nana passed on. But the most important teddy bear I have ever had is my Leo... And I miss him so much. I did not get my chemo Friday. My blood counts were off and I had a fever of 102 which I honestly didn't even feel like I had. I was just tired. So I spent about 12 hrs getting blood, getting fluids, and getting antibiotic treatment and I came home with oral antibiotics to continue. It's looking like chemo will be still one week on three off but only two days in that week. I was told that negative symptoms can show up anytime during the time I am not getting treatment even. It's day to day. It's nausea, a bit of infection and low blood cell counts and some pain. But I'm dealing with it. I'm awake at almost 4am because of some pain. But my SIL gave me a dose of the medication for it. I won't be able to see my honey right now. Not sure when. But we are going to Skype later today. He has his laptop. My SIL needs to help him get it downloaded. Then hopefully we can do it. Well, am going to try to settle again. ((((Hugs))))

Been having a horrible time since yesterday's treatment. Very sikc, weak. Don't know about tomorrow's. my meds had to be adjusted. SIL is being very helpful though.

I just turned 40. My husband is away in a nursing home. I have just begun treatment for cancer. I lay awake at 1:45 in the morning ACHING for my Mama. She should be here with me. Not my SIL. I should still have her here. I feel like a little girl again. Scared, tired, alone, sick. And my step father killing her when I was 15... Has robbed me of her and is robbing me of her when I have never needed her more. Only a Mom can "make it better" for certain times. And now is one of those times. When my Nana was dying from cancer, she told me whenever I needed her or missed her to put my hand on my heart and breathe and she would be there. I hold my hand on my heart tonight and tears are flowing from my eyes. I am trying to feel both my Nana and my Mom here. I think I do... But in a way that's just not enough. Mothers Day is coming and that is one of the most difficult days for me missing my Mama AND my Nana. They were so alike. They looked so much alike. No one compares to them. I know though with my hand here on my heart, that my Mama and her Mama are together and that is comforting. I better try again to rest.... 6am comes fast. Second chemo treatment. After bloodwork.

Oh God bless you all. Thank you for thinking of me. I've been just napping off and on. Talked to the Dr earlier today. I've been very antsy and unable to sleep long. Because prednisone is part of the chemo regimen, that is most likely why I've been feeling this way. My system should get used to it by the end of this first round. I did vomit a couple times yesterday and last night. But I think I ate a bit too much one time and the other, I drank really fast a lot. I've got to do snack size meals and don't gulp the fluids. It's midnight and I'm awake. Watching a movie. My SIL is fast asleep. I hope to settle shortly. Have to be at office to get a quick blood draw at 7am and then if I pass then chemo at 9. I miss my honey. I talked to him earlier. He is back in he nursing facility. He is doing well cognitively lately in response to the medication for Alzheimer's. it's so good to hear him calmer, loving, and more aware. Ok I better get off here and finish my movie and ensure snack and try to sleep. ((((Hugs)))) to you all.

Got home from first day of chemo about 3. Was there for 7hrs. Largely because the nurses were so wonderful about explaining everything and making me feel comfortable. Normally it should only take about 4-5 hrs. And they started the medications slow because its the first time. And there are several chemo meds... Plus anti-nausea med. I'm exhausted and feeling a bit queasy. Laying down and Mary is here. She got me some ginger ale. That's all I want. I'm not hungry. But I will eat a small meal later. Small meals or snacks are recommended through this. And keeping hydrated is very important. Leo is still in the hospital. But doing well. I talked to him when we got back home. He's pretty medicated though. Thank you so much for your thoughts etc... Tonight will certainly be a test. I'm just praying I can sleep. Love to you all.

Got a call a bit ago from my SIL. The nursing home called her because Leo had several seizures a few hrs ago... After I left him. They got orders from Doc to send him to the hospital to be evaluated, and monitored at least tonight. This is heightening my anxiety, but he is better off there right now. I can't really go... I need to rest for tomorrow. My SIL is the emergency contact now while I start my treatment. Anyway, he is doing ok now. SIL will be picking me up in the morning for first chemo.

Mary, treatment will be Mon, Wed, Fri... Then three weeks off. But all will depend on how well my blood counts recover. They are starting aggressively because this is an aggressive Lymphoma. I saw Leo today. Had a hard time leaving. Am going to sleep even though its only 3 in the afternoon. I'm tired, depressed, and tomorrow will be here before I know it.

I AM TERRIFIED

Oh Fae... Your post has me in tears. You, are such a touching soul. (Along with everyone else here) Yes, it is nearly 1am and here I am awake. I will have my SIL, BIL, and nephew... Leo's sis and family... To drive me to and fro during my chemo days. Which is one week on then three off. And Mary, my SIL will be staying with me during that week to help and if at some point we think I need a professional for help, yes, that has already been discussed with the Dr. And Mary, Butch, and their son Allen will be spending time with Leo each day. And I hope for a couple of the three weeks I will have days I can be with him. But I need to be feeling well. And he needs to not be sick with anything because the chemo will be wiping out my immune system too. Mary and my BIL are my very best friends... I am so lucky to have Married Leo and in turn got them too. Mary and I a tally share so much trauma history and depression etc... Anyway, so yes I am praying this chemo won't make me too sick. I will be having meds to help handle nausea I just pray they work. I will keep in touch with you all when I can. I promise. And if I can't I have already shown My SIL how to access the forum here with my info if I need her to post. Thank you for the prayers, love, and hugs. I hold them close. (((((Hugs)))))

I know we cannot be together. I will be literally fighting for my life. Leo needs to be where he is. And if he comes home, there is no chance I could do this 100% for me because regardless if someone were here to care for him... I just would automatically need to take care of him. Chemo is going to be grueling and it's going to take all of my strength to get through. I have to put everything else in Gods hands. Which is hard. I went and had the port put in my chest. I got more blood. And Monday I will begin this treatment.

I'm trying to figure out where I can muster up the strength for this fight. Without the huge missing people in my life... And how to care for my love at the same time. He wants to come home. But I don't believe that is best for either one of us. And it's crushing my heart and spirit that he has a battle to fight and I have a battle to fight, yet we can't do it together.

Devastated... I have one of most aggressive types of NHL. And there are cancer cells in my bone marrow. Which means longer chemo. And possibly a stem cell transplant down the road. Or now very aggressive chemotherapy. Beginning Monday. Got blood today. Will get more tomorrow. My red count and platelets need to be kept up. If ever there was a time I need my precious Mom... It is now. Not to mention my husband. Will see him a short while tomorrow probably. Going to shut my weary eyes...

Kristen, On my way back to bed. All I can offer are many (((((((gentle hugs))))))))

Thank you all I'm starting chemo on Monday. Seeking dr tomorrow. No word yet if the bone marrow came back clean. I'm sure I will get that news tomorrow. Going back to sleep. Been sleeping mostly. Night night.

Yes, my SIL, Mary took me. I'm in a bit of pain. Apparently the dr found more to be removed then showed up in tests. And he did a bone marrow biopsy. I am home in bed and yes on pain meds. Will be doing CHOP chemo... A chemo combination of a few drugs. One week on three weeks off for 24 weeks. Don't know when I will begin. Seeing dr Thursday. Really tired nauseas and out of it. Night