boogieman

Thanks for the support Stephen. Not many guys here. It's 3:00 am, a particularly difficult time for me personally. And once again here I am, unable to sleep for missing My Paula so greatly. I still have no idea how to cope with or incorporate any of the recent past into what is left of my shattered existence. I seem to make it through every day not having a clue as to how I managed it. And the nights are by far the worst times of all, and I can't even escape them through sleep. If this isn't the definitive punishment it surely is a direct result of the life sentence I serve for loving My Paula to the exclusion of all else and then loosing her in such a horrible fashion. The results are the same either way. Even seeing my counselor weekly does little to belay my stress an anxiety. No matter the time of day or night, the pain, longing, and loneliness are always right there. I know I am by no means the first, last, or only person to travel this god forsaken path. But it surely does feel that way most of the time. No matter what I do, where I turn, or any means I use to lessen this agony has proven most ineffective indeed. I return to the fact that I am by no means sure I can withstand this pain, loneliness, and agony for an even longer extended time period. Even the supposed "good news" from my doctor last week that I have no health issues saddened me. I actually wanted there to be some issue that would allow me to be with My Paula sooner than later. How can that be considered "rational" ? I still feel disheartened by that fact almost two weeks later. There is obviously something seriously wrong here. And what is " wrong" is that My Paula is not here with me. And the prospects of a long relative healthy life I find disturbing and unsettling. That is not what I want as it keeps me separated from My Paula. So here I am at 3:30 in the morning banging away on this keyboard not soundly sleeping, not nestled in the arms of, and not next to the love of my life. I have yet to gain any understand of how to make that truth and this pitiful life acceptable.

I went back to bed at 6:30 am out of sheer frustration and boredom. Slept until noon when the phone woke me. I still can't allow the answering machine to pick-up as My Paula's voice is on the message. I still can't allow myself to hear her voice. I know positively it would send me off again. It is already 101* here so another day of solitary confinement lies ahead with absolutely nothing to do or look forward to. Wouldn't do anything anyway, even if it demanded. I try desperately to cope with the misery and loneliness. I don't expect anyone to voluntarily fill this massive hole in my life and heart. I knew the time was coming when family and friends would become wrapped-up in their own productive obligations. Knew I would be relegated to a lesser important position in their lives, which is as it should be. Knew it and still not ready to admit or accept that truth. My Paula was the only one to hold me in such high regard, even above her own, the vast majority of our brief time together. But here it is, like it or not. I just am not prepared for being so alone and lonely for the rest of my pitiful existence. I imagine I never will fully accept the horrible truth. I am all alone in my suffering, loneliness and grief.

It is now just after 3:00am on wednesday morning. The hour My Paula passed on April 16th. I have now gone yet another day without seeing another living soul. How much torture can one person be expected to take without breaking? I know that in my case , not much more. This life sentence in solitary isolation is far too high a price to pay at the cost of My Paula's life. Why am I being tortured so mercilessly by having to suffer such a fate? What have I done to merit such cruel punishment? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? This abject complete loneliness is a sentence worse than death. Having to face and acknowledge repeatedly the horrible truth of losing My Paula is ever so slowly driving me to a place I don't want to go. Admitting to myself that my life is gone, too. My life was with and in My Paula. Now I have no life either. Yet I am expected to go on without her? Unless something extraordinary happens I just can't see that happening. The prospect of living for possibly year after lonely year after lonely year is beyond my vision, acceptance and understanding. This sorrow, sadness and loneliness has fallen like a pall over me again. The crushing weight of it too great. The isolation and loneliness breaking me. The dark quiet lonely cruel nights my only companion. And each night holds no promise of a better tomorrow. I have no tomorrow other than a repeat of the loneliness of yesterday and the days before that.

It's 113* here at home today. Slept till 9:30 this morning. Its 3:30 pm now and the middle of another long lonely day. What else can I do but wait it out for the nothing that will follow? Way too hot to be out. I'm basically stranded here. Haven't seen a single person since last Friday afternoon. Too lonely to think about. I supose a lot of you deal well with this scenario. I'm not coping nearly as well. Trust me on that. I'll check back later if able.

Clouds broke later this afternoon. Was 101* here. I don't know what else to do. I'm out of hopes and aspirations. I let things beyond my control dictate to me what, and when, and where, and why. Being hopelessly lost and directionless, I'm simply along for the ride. Taking "it" as it comes, whatever "it" may be. Completely drained emotionally I went back to bed at 6:00 pm. Would still be there except for the phone just now. Who cares anyway?

Not by choice but that's what I've done again. Went to bed at 6:30 this morning and it's now 2:15 pm. And it has been raining and only 85*, too. Weather people could not have gotten this any more wrong. I sleep so much better when it is rainy and cool. I haven't pulled these all-nighters for years. Not having any reason to get up I let my schedule dictate itself. One less thing to have to address.

Yes. It was wonderful. I'm paying the price for that now, though. It's going on 4:00am Monday morning and I can't sleep again. Maybe later today as it's supposed to be cooler, around 98*-103* officially, but more like 105*-108* here in this concrete jungle where I live.

I did find a distraction I will try again in the future. I went back to bed around 9 am and slept until 4:15 pm. All day. No phone calls, just greatly needed rest. And I dreamed of My Paula. We were sleeping together. I mean really sleeping. I miss having her next to me at night. Another reason I don't sleep well. Besides, it was 112* here at my house today when I got up. I wasn't about to get out. I have been starting to read again. And do crossword puzzles again. I find peace in that quietness. And My Paula is here too.

Sorry about that. I was still up at 4 am too. Fell asleep sometime after that. My Paula rang the doorbell at 6:24 am so I am up for the day. Another hot one at 102*-104*.

Last BP check before bed. 106 over 69. PR at 59. We made another day. Now the long lonely night is ahead. Anything above 75* max makes me miserable.

Thanks fae and KayC. When the wheels fall off not much progress is made. And My wheels fell off months ago. As the dr. hasn't seen fit to re-prescribe meds for me I guess I'll do without. I think I would be better off with the stomach flu. At least that's curable. Didn't sleep again last night. Still awake at 4:30am. Another long lonely day here. BP down again to 105 over 61. It is 115* at my house. I think I'll stay inside and do nothing, again. Not up to doing anything anyway. Funny how that all works out. Cold front next week with highs in the 98*-101* range. Yeah, right. It won't be comfortably cool here until Halloween! It's going on 4:00 pm. So in about 12 more hours I can still be awake and lonely. Not sure I can go on much longer like this. "They" told me this would be hard. "They" were wrong. This is impossibly unbearable.

So here I sit alone again on the cusp another long week-end holiday. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. It's too hot to be out. My disillusionment growing. There is no end to this. No prospect of better times. Only more of the same. I know I am depressed. My dr. told me so. Waited 3 days for them to change me from Prozac and am still waiting. Daily calls to them produced no action from them except indignation at my repeated calls. Given the holiday I'll need to wait about 5 more days. Great news to the depressed. As if things weren't hard enough already. Don't you just ever get tired? Tired of the struggle? Tired of not feeling like a real person? Tired of the constant sadness, sorrow, and loneliness? Just tired of going through the motions? Pretending to live and be alive? I think if I don't follow-through on the meds, or the blood panel, or the x-rays, or subsequent office visits, I'll never know if something is actually wrong with me which there apparently isn't. And that's just fine with me. Tonight anyway. So off to bed to not sleep again. And cry in my loneliness to the point of exhaustion once again. Overlook my ramblings. I'm just feeling sorry for myself and felt like venting.

Well said KayC. "Doing Time" I feel and hate every excruciating second of it.

Still waiting on script change. Counselor coming this afternoon. Feeling very edgy and tense so far today. No reason why. Not overly pleased to have no medical health issues. It just means I have to wait longer to be with My Paula. I know everyone will disagree but that's my position. Sorry.

I take nothing, daily. My dr. was completely surprised that at my age (65) I have no medical issues needing attention. Many years ago I took meds for cholesterol control but discontinued that after diet change and repeated good test results. Since then nothing but aspirin for headache and general achiness. I have never been admitted to a hospital. Never had any surgeries. Never had any long-term medical issues. I had two major car wrecks where both my cars were totaled but walked away from both. I have had pneumonia twice but never hospitalized for either. Never had a flu shot. Never had the flu. High BP runs in the family but not in me, apparently. I do not consider situational induced elevated BP levels as needing to be medicated continually. And my dr. doesn't want to treat me for that should my BP drop again in the future, for obvious reasons. Apparently I come from "hardy stock". Who knew. My Paula was all the nursing I needed! I told the dr. I would do research on the scrip and take it IF I thought it was what I was willing to take. It is not. Our daughter Emily has been directly involved in the medical field since high-school. Had two years of nursing school. Was a certified pharmacy tech for a few years. Managed medical offices for a department head at Baylor Medical Center here in Dallas. Is currently managing a number of dental clinics here in the Dallas area. She is considering enrolling in a dental degree program. She would be outstanding in that capacity. I trust her judgment implicitly, without question. And as I have stated, My Paula charged our children to "take care of Dad". And they do. I consult with them and rely on their opinions completely. After all, four heads are smarter than one!

Waiting to hear.

Oh yes, My Paula is watching closely over me through the family, the counselor, and the doctor. In fact she came and rang the doorbell today at 4:50 pm. "I Love You Too Dear" I checked on the Fluoxetene and not happy with what I found. Being a Prozak variation I have major reservations. My daughter Emily, has been in the medical profession for 20 years and strongly recommends asking for something less potentially addictive with lesser side effects. I trust her and whole-heartedly agree. Will contact the Dr. tomorrow morning.

I have been away from the keyboard for a few days. Needed time to organize things. Searching for a new perspective. Dealing with the vagaries of life. Spent last Friday afternoon and early evening with our daughter running errands. Had a very nice time in her presence. Saturday Greg came to do the yard for me. Always great to see and spend time with him. Saturday afternoon and night were hard being alone again. Sunday promised more of the same. Bobbie called to invite me over for a cook-out with extended family Sunday afternoon. I am so glad I went. Just getting out of the house for a purpose was nice. Was up until 6:30 am Monday as I just couldn't sleep. Finally at 9 am Monday I woke expecting the counselor and a minister at 10am. Good visit with them both. Our daughter Bobbie came to be with me, too. The minister suggested a book to read. C.S. Lewis' " A Grief Observed", a collection of thoughts and observances while dealing with his wife's passing from cancer. I look forward to reading this repeatedly. ( More on that later). Had my first Dr.'s appointment at 2:30 pm. Our son took off work to go with me. Greatly appreciated. Seems that all things considered I am about as healthy as a retired construction worker of my age can be. The Dr. checked me over thoroughly. He set-up a panel of blood work for next week. And x-rays for next month at my next visit. He also administered a psychological exam. On a scale of 0-30 my score was a 19. I have mild depression. I met with and spoke to a psychologist. He prescribed a mild anti-depressant, Fluoxetine, which I will have filled today. Everything else checked out good. I have now lost 50 lbs, too. Skin, eyes, lungs, finger and toe nails, hearing, and blood pressure all good. The lower BP concerned him somewhat but no meds prescribed. 120 over 80 is the average normal. Anything under 80 over 50 is the lower limit for concern. I was at 130 over 77 yesterday, acceptable for my age. So no real concerns there. Our son and I were both very pleased with the Doc. And my son's approval is important to me. Monday nights is set aside for time with our daughter Emily. We went out for dinner. Very enjoyable. Coming back home I found a copy of that C.S. Lewis book in my mailbox. Seems that Bobbie told Greg about it, they went to a bookstore, purchased it, and delivered it to me while I was out with Emily. Apparently Emily knew of this and said nothing to me. What a special surprise and loving effort our children made on my behalf. My Paula charged them with "taking care of Dad" in her last days. What a blessing they all are to me. The outpouring of love and concern is humbling, and so greatly needed and appreciated. "Thank you Dear. I Love You, Too" The counselor called this morning to check-up on me after the Dr.'s visit and to change our appointment to Thursday from Friday. All at once I realize myself being surrounded by loving caring people. I am humbled and honored to be the recipient of such attention. I am uncomfortable being the center of attention but welcome their caring concern. So, a series of positive events and outcomes after 4 months of such sadness and sorrow. And I know My Paula was instrumental in bring this all to fruition. Oh how I love this woman!

Feeling so low today. No particular reason except I see the sad lonely person I have become. I don't like him. I don't want to be around him. The sadness and sorrow oozing from every pore. Sad lonely hurting eyes. I begin to wonder about the effort to find and see a new doctor when I don't really care. In fact I don't see much at all. Still existing in this fog of unreality in a state of denial and un-acceptance. Barely existing. Hanging on by the merest of tendrils. All alone and lonely in this beautiful house, built for her, now shared with no one. In fact, it has began to induce heart-ache knowing My Paula's memories are here to remind me, constantly, of just how great my devastation and loss is. I miss My Paula more than I can express adequately, or be able to cope with. Please enjoy your day as I struggle to find SOMETHING in mine to even accept. Just having yet another very bad day.

Rainbows are so cool. Glad you saw that one. BP this morning is 110 over 82. Still acceptable. What bothers me is the extremes it goes too. I know stress is the upper extreme but the lower still has me concerned. After all, 72 over 55 is not much is it. My Paula announced herself again last night at 2:43 AM. I was still awake so I know these incidents are not mere figments or hallucinations. They make me feel better, calmer, less stressed. I do love this woman!

Blood pressure down to 98 over 65 this morning. No clue why. Couldn't get to sleep last night, as usual. I do know it was after 1:45 am though. Heard the doorbell at 4: 54 am. Checking of course. No one there. Back to bed. Heard the doorbell at 10:29 am. Checking again. No one there. I think My Paula is playing with me as she so often does. All I know is that I greatly appreciate her taking the time and making the effort to let me know she is still around. Lovingly watching over me and caring for me as she always has. So very comforting to know. I do love this woman! "Thank You Dear. I Love you Too"! Had a good day yesterday. It was my mother's 84th birthday so Greg, Bobbie and I went to see her. Had a very nice visit and back home around 8:30 pm. Waiting to see what today has in store.

Well Marty, that leaves me speechless, I think. Never let it be said that I don't entertain.

Finally some good news. I did find a Dr. who takes Medicare. He is white. He is an American who speaks English. He is located in the same building where my previous Dr. was/is located, only one floor up. He is fully integrated into the hospital system I prefer. As long as I see him more often than every three years my file stays active. All-in-all, a find. They have no openings until next week. See, its already started. Checking my BP this morning it is 130 over 77. PR at 56 BPM. Not too shabby considering. Being a senior on Medicare I can hardly wait until January. Think I'll start biting the bullet right now. And I see the counselor next Monday morning.

I have been on Medicare for over three years. Never needed it. Now I'm locked into it. Should I opt out, the penalty for re-uping is huge. I know that supplemental insurance for the 20%-25% not covered by Medicare, for me, runs about $350-$$500 a month for the basic minimums. Just how am I supposed to cover that with a total of between $50-$75 a month left over from my stipend? Just not possible. I checked of the site Marty posted. Those close to me are all "Doc-in-a-Box" drive through type of locations with ever changing personell. I need something more permemant than the "Here, take this pill" medical practices. I will check with my local hospital tomorrow to see if anyone in their network can accomodate my needs and still be linked to the hospital. By "urgent care" I assume you refer to any ER. There is only the one hospital of any repute (ranked in the Top 10 regionally) for the over 235,000 people in this area. Having seen this cattle-car low income approach to treatment in person when My Paula was admitted, I choose to go it alone. Waiting for endless hours I can do at home. And the politicians who touted this program wasted no words telling us just how great, cost effective, benificial, and easy it was. Lies. All lies. Being relegated to the lowest echelon of society medically speaking, I am apalled at the circumstances I now face. Socialized medicine. What a joke. Without hefty insurance the end of the line is very far and many hours away from the exam and treatment rooms. Is this any way to treat those of us who have funded and paid for the prosperity this nation has enjoyed for generations with a lifetime of work? I know better. Good doctors are leaving or restricting their practices in droves to not deal with this foul smelling mess. And we all lose in the end.

Well good news abounds. Besides my Dr. moving out of town and not seeing new patients, their office, as I suspected, does not and will not see Medicare patients. Seems that any patient over three years un-seen is deleted. And I last saw him in 2007. This all changed three years ago when Obamacare was signed into law. Now I have to try to find a Dr. who will take Medicare. They are very few and far between around here. The office person I spoke with had no referrals as they know of no one who does take Medicare. And I can't see him and pay for services as they have to report the visit to the GUBMENT at which point I loose my Medicare coverage. Bet you didn't know that about the debacle that was shoved down our throats, did you? So going off on a rant, thanks to those who supported this sham of a reform, I don't have and am going to have a difficult time finding a Dr. for anything. I appreciate it. So much for suffering in silence! I can feel my BP going through the roof!