boogieman

Oh, I don't know about all that. I just have to go with my instincts at any given time. It "felt right". After all, what else have I got to loose?

Hello Jo. Just wondering how you are today. I imagine just like the rest of us. But I do want to extend kind thoughts in your direction.

Well spoken QMary. We talked in group last night of the notable differences in ourselves since our loved ones passing. If I may add, three entities passed with our loved one. That person, the one person we had become, and ourselves. Like you, I have no desire to even try to replace My Paula. Not many of us could be so fortunate to find another love. My daughter commented the other day how she could see the visible changes in me. That came as no surprise to me, whoever I may be now. .

This being my first Valentines alone I have no plans but to miss My Dear Paula.

My heartfelt sympathy and condolences, Nat. This is my first Valentins day without My Paula. I too have been in tears and agony most of the day and last night. I fully understand and hope you find the comfort you seek. Chris

Had a difficult night, finally falling asleep sometime after 3:30 am. Just now getting up and about. In group last night we were asked to write a few paragraphs about our beloved one. I had plenty to say. We were encouraged to read aloud if we felt doing so. Being somewhat private about my inner feelings of My Paula, I couldn't. At the counselors gentle guidance I allowed her to read what I had written. She asked my permission to read aloud my inner thoughts. I agreed although somewhat afraid of the exposure there-in. As she reads my words I begin weeping openly. To hear those most private thoughts expressed in a form not seen by anyone but myself was very humbling. I really heard and felt the pain and agony, the extent of my loss outside my own heart. Hearing my pain and turmoil expressed aloud from a perspective not solely my own was so powerful and emotional I couldn't help but break-down. This simple yet so complicated moment let me see just how broken I trult am. Tears streaming again, I close with this. In the hope that My Paula sees this I want to wish her a heart felt "Happy 'Balentymes', Dear. I love you more than you know or I have the ability to express. I am still passionately, completely, in love with you and always will be so. My heart soars at the mere thought of you. Rest well my Dear. I will be with you soon. Please wait for me".

Made it to group. Most emotional session so far considering the date and Valentines tomorrow. Or as My Paula laughingly referred to it as " Balentymes". A running joke between us for 35 years! Causes me to miss her all the more. No apologies needed Jo. We "get it". Allow yourself to sleep all day if that is what you need.

Morning Kay. I slept fitfully last night so just now getting around to here. Interesting that you mentioned the "CUDA" you wanted. This being a Chrysler-Plymouth- Dodge model, commonly referred to as "MOPARS", or Motor Parts in general. I have always gravitated to Mopars myself. Most of my cars have been, or are, Mopars. We are a small but fanatically loyal bunch of die-hard's. You are right in your assessment of my "sharing bringing me down" comment. It was the timing, not the desire to help if possible. Not feeling too well this morning. Blood pressure is elevated, headache, nervous stomach, hands shaking, a general sense of angst and anxiety due to this day and the week ahead. By this hour, in April, we were in the ER awaiting assessment, the Oncologist, and a room assignment. Hard times indeed. I imagine this week, every month, will affect me accordingly. Still too many lows, not enough highs. The reality I live with. Our Group counselor called this morning. Group is scheduled for this evening after a two week hiatus. Maybe I will be up to attending, given my fragile state today.

Thank you for replying Jo. For me, this is one of those set-backs I referred to earlier. One step forward, two steps backward. No rhyme or reason, it just is. They say the first year is hard. An understatement if ever there were one. My Paula was admitted on April 13, '13. She passed away on April 16th. Her memorial service was the 19th. I imagine these dates will forever haunt me no matter the passage of time. At present I have two old cars. One is for sale to help cover on-going expenses, the other I am very slowly trying to turn some of my excess time and attention to. Ironically, My Paula was not interested in my hobby per-se, but encouraged me to follow that passion. She was interested in seeing me be happy and content in that pursuit. I loved her for that, too. In class we have and can use almost any type of equipment imaginable, including welding. My main interest now is metal forming and shaping. Very tedious, intricate and rewarding work. For me the efforts put into my projects is my reward. Never considered that as anything but my artistic expression. I appreciate the creative mind. Both of you must be good at this to do it commercially for 26 years. Kudos. I have been interested in cars of all types for over 50 years now. Our instructor has been at this for about the same length of time. He is nationally and internationally renowned for his abilities. Now partially retired, he passes his knowledge on to those interested in learning. Thank you for your posting. It has given me a small window of diversion in this time of trouble. I imagine I will be up most, if not all of the night. But that is "normal" for me. I'm used to it. I will sleep soon in the arms of My Paula.

I know Kay. Even now I am still heavier than I want to be at 245. I am 6'-3" and carry the weight well but still too heavy. I have no affinity for food due to little appetite and even less taste. When I met My Paula I was a dashing 195. Becoming even further lost in My Paula and her outstanding cooking skills I paid little attention to weight. Slowly but surely I became overweight. We both did to some extent. It was never an issue for us because we saw each other for who we are, not what we looked like. Nothing in the world mattered except our love for each other and our children. I was given two new pair of jeans for Christmas, 2 sizes smaller than what I wore this time last year. Now those are even too big having dropped at least another size down. Our daughter even comments about the "tents" I wear for shop work. I eat when I get hungry, maybe once daily. I feel physically good but have little energy. I attribute this to the emotional devastation I am surrounded by. I have spent money I don't really have on food stuffs that spoil before I want to eat them. I can't- won't - cook just for me. It really doesn't matter to me one way or another. Just as my focus for 35+ years was My Paula, my focus now is learning to adjust, somehow, to this new paradigm of this so called life. Eating is pretty far down on the priority list lately. I do appreciate your concern and gentle prodding though.

As an unintentional consequence and unexpected turn of events, reaching out to others and sharing my grief and sadness to help others has plunged me into the depths of despair. Ten months ago, tonight, is the last night My Paula and I spent together at home. Her increasing agony from her worsening condition kept us up and awake all night. About 9 hours from now, then, we talked and made the fateful decision to admit defeat and admit My dear Paula into the hospital. Knowing the probable outcome made this decision even more devastating. Facing all this yet again I find myself severely lacking in being able to control the tidal wave of despair. I was strong enough then to do what had to be done to honor my vow to not let her suffer even one minute longer than necessary. Now I find myself on the verge of complete collapse reliving those fateful moments and decisions. I wonder how have I managed these past ten months of agony. Truth is , not as well as I purport to have done so. Tears streaming down my face now, I realize I haven't progressed much at all. The agony of life without My Paula is approaching unbearable again. I have tried resting, relaxing, diversion techniques, even fell to sleep shortly to waken to find that nothing had changed. My Paula is gone and I am here alone and lonely without her. I miss My Dear Paula in the extreme.

Good afternoon Jo. I am pleased that I could help you starting on this journey. I have been at it for 10 months and there is so much I don't know. Adjusting to everything new at the same time is overwhelming. My Paula was a consument cook. She loved being in the kitchen. We had wonderful times there together. She even managed to teach me a trick or two. During her ordeal with cancer I cooked for her when she felt up to eating. I so enjoyed being able to do that for her. Cooking and eating alone is something I just can't face. I know I will never be able to share the kitchen with her again, or enjoy a shared wonderful meal. Now I have no sense of taste due to nerve damage in my jaw from a tooth I put-off having taken care of in deference to me taking care of my Paula. So, yes, food triggers very special and specific emotions. Not caring to eat I have lost over 60# this past year. Two years ago My Paula insisted that I go back to school. I reluctantly did so but felt guilty at not being home to care for her like I wanted. It was actually good for us both. Now having the time I have taken-up where I left off. Ironic that you mentioned the metal container Bill made for his remains. I am taking metal fabrication classes. As a hobby I restore and repair antique cars. The skills learned at school are helpful to me. And besides all that, My Paula liked me to be busy in that. She told me "that it kept me at home but out of the house." Still brings a smile to my face. My Paula's remains are on our mantle, in an antique blown glass urn she inherited from her grandmother. Always present in her "dream house" in a place of honor. When memories are all we have I now find the recalling of them soothing and comforting. Every time I remember or recall something new I write it in my journal. Isn't it funny how the normal, or not so normal, noises in our houses now seen possibly ominous? It took me weeks to be able to identify most of what I so easily dismissed before. And My Paula's visits were scary at first. It took me a while to make that connection. Hopefully you can do the same. Your dreaming of Bill is such a wonderful magical experience. I dream of My Paula as a substitute for her presence. When I get really down, still often, I dream of her or have visions of her. It lifts my spirits if only briefly. Anything to escape even for a short while. I still haven't been able to go through her closet, her clothes, her dresser side, her jewelry, etc. Still too painful to address. On the other, I want to keep her memories alive by pretending she may come back and I want her to feel right at home with her personal effects just as she left them. There is no magic potion or chant to ease our pain. I have found this a journey of realizations and adjustments to the new normal we face. And there is no "normal". Each of us has to find our own way at our own pace and discover through trial and error what does or doesn't work for each of us. There will be failures and set-backs. They are to be expected even though they may seem devastating at the time. Somehow, we pick ourselves back up and try again. There are some wonderful souls here, all willing to help us on this trek of new discovery. Please allow them to assist you as they graciously assist me and others. Some have referred to this site as "a tribe gathering around a camp-fire to console, support and assist each other". I couldn't agree more. Tomorrow is the 10 month date of having to admit My Paula to the hospital for her final days. I am sure tonight and tomorrow will be hard ones for me. As I stated earlier .. "If we are in this alone then we are all alone together". And a PS to Jenna. You have taken a courageous step. I sincerely hope you find the peace you seek. Additionally to Jan, Mary, Kay, and Anne - so nice to hear from you and Thank You again.

Good morning Jo, and ladies. I overslept this morning and am running late for class today. I will get back later today with a measured response. I do hope you find a sliver of peace in these so very troubling times. Chris

Thank you Harry. For communicating exactly what I have known about the aftermath of loosing My Paula almost 10 months ago. I instinctively knew that I would never fully overcome this great tragedy. Your post serves to confirm what I know to be the situation in my case, too. There are few men here. I appreciate and respect our unique perspectives. Chris

Thank you Kay. Like all learning experiences, if the gained knowledge isn't shared and passed-on it is lost. I wanted to add for Jo another "sign" I saw just this morning. We have a very large Mulberry tree in our front yard. For years there has been a pair of nesting Bluejays. Looking out this morning I see not one, but two, brightly plumed females in the tree. The males aren't far behind. My Paula and I love the birds and I see this as a another sign from her. Another possible means of self-therapy, for me anyway, has been keeping a journal. Since shortly after My Paula passed I have been keeping a journal. I use those cheap spiral-bound ones, about 70 - 80 pages each. I am on my 11th one now. Using both sides of each page I realized I have chronicled about 1400 - 1600 pages of my struggle with this inner turmoil. There I write down all my thoughts, emotions, memories, hopes, aspirations, despair, and anything that is on my mind. When someone is not available to talk to I find this the next best form of therapy. Besides that, I can honestly pour out my heart and "say" things not always appropriate in other situations. I even recall and chronicle intimate moments shared, the details of our lives together, the private moments shared with the Love of My Life, lest I forget them in the future. Very therapeutic for me and they serve to keep My Paula fresh and "in the moment" for me. And a good use of the long lonely hours, days, and weeks. Maybe hanging on desperately to the past, but my, our, happiest moments are there. I simple can not allow those precious moments to be lost. Perhaps some day I will have the strength to re-read what I have written. Enormous amounts of pain there too.

Hello Jo. Pardon the late reply but as you know our worlds are turned upside down and inside out. Time has no meaning except to mark the passage of time since we lost our dearly beloved. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Like you also, I still miss My Paula in the extreme today, 10 months gone on the 16th, as I know I will miss her throughout the coming times, however long or short that may be. I am so very familiar with that "panic" of how to continue on alone. I ask myself regularly "how do I do this alone?" I must confess I really have no idea. I just know that when I, too, cry myself to sleep the sun will rise tomorrow and I have to start the process of grieving all over again. I found that if I push myself to the point of exhaustion, sometimes sleep follows, but not always. Even now I go at least 2 to 3 times weekly with no sleep at all from the grueling agony of missing My Paula. And this is very hard, this grieving. You will find it consumes the majority of your time and energy, Mine still does. As An example, I re-enrolled at the local community college again this semester. After an early morning to get to class by 8am, I came home exhausted at 4pm. Falling almost immediately to sleep in my recliner, I was wakened by a phone call from a friend. Immediately I knew this would be a difficult night. I have been sad, upset, lonely and crying since then I imagine another sleepless night ahead. Since I have no control over these tidal forces of emotions, I try to relax a little and let them wash over and through me rather than fight against them. It has taken me this 10 months to figure this little thing out. Call it what you will but I believe in the "signs" I choose to believe are from my Paula. Fairly regularly there were the very late night, early morning doorbell rings. Then sometimes in the afternoon, or at all hours of the day. Always checking I have yet to see anyone there and I could see if there were someone there. I have seen hummingbirds, one of My Paulas' favorites. They are scarce here in our part of Texas. In other cases I have seen beautiful sunsets and rainbows, but not always associated with My Paula, but a calming sign none-the-less. More recently our bedroom door has been found to be partially closed. This never happened before. Being retired from remodeling I know what usually causes that. Those conditions don't exist in our house. There have been phone calls with no sound on the other end. Messages on the answering machine with no message. My Paula didn't like the cold, especially during her chemo for two years. We have an old style manual thermostat that has been reset to a higher temp than I set it to. There have been "visitations" or dreams, or delusions where we speak, I see her, she answers a few questions. On another occasion I heard a metallic "pinging" coming from an antique metal umbrella stand by the front door. In plain sight with the entry hall light on. Of course she wasn't there physically. I choose to believe these are efforts by My Paula to reassure me she is still here with me. Just this past Monday I spoke to her, or she spoke to me. She told me she is patiently waiting for me, that there was no need to rush to her. And yes, Jo, I do talk to My Paula. I do everything possible to continue the habits and routines we developed during a 35 year close relationship. My Paula's remains are on our mantle. I kiss her every morning, ask how her night had been. I tell her I'm going out whenever I leave the house. I announce my return when I get back home. I ask her if she wants to go "for a ride to get out of the house". I kiss her goodnight every night. One of us always said "Good Night. Love you",... followed by "Good Night. Love you too". We never failed in that constant affirmation to each other. I don't hear her response but I say it anyway. I know she says it back. Just those sort of ordinary comments give some semblance of normalicy. No conversations as before but I do my best to include her in my daily routines. And I know others talk to their loved one too. We are not alone in that. And a resounding "yes" to whether or not he hears you. In a grand gesture to keep My Paula close to me, I spent weeks looking through photo albums, drawers, closets, any place I could look for pictures of her. I had each blown up to 8" x 10" size and placed on a 3 ring binder which I keep on our dresser. To date there are about 190 photos there. About a dozen or so of my favorites I have framed and sitting around the house. I find it very comforting to be able to look anywhere in our house and see her beautiful smiling face. For me keeping her memory fresh and constant is easier than trying to not do so. Yes it is agonizing painful, even tear producing, but for me, better than the alternative. After a short while I found that everything in our house has My Paula's "touch" in and on it. Very comforting to me, now. I have found that talking to someone who will listen is of great benefit. There are so great listeners here on this forum. If not for them I probably would have "checked out" myself long before now. It is not un-common to have these thoughts when the grief and pain is unbearable. Give it a few hours time and it too will pass. And lastly, I waited over 9 months before I started in group counseling. The jury is still out on the outcome of this for me. But it is relieving to be with and around others who have been or are going through this particular tragedy. Safety in numbers and all that. It is very hard to bare one's soul to strangers who aren't strangers due to our common bond. They understand where most others simply can't. As to "getting easier" I'm not sure yet. I am learning to adjust to this new reality, not accept it for that is one consideration I can not make. The truth is too harsh, too painful. My pain hasn't and never will go away either. Never understanding the "one day at a time" concept fully, I interpret it to mean deal with what must be right now and the rest later if and when it becomes an issue. Otherwise it is overwhelming in its totality. How do you eat an elephant" One bite at a time. So very nice to meet you Jo. I hope my long-winded, late-night diatribe is helpful. I do know what you are going through. If I can be of assistance with simply a sympathetic ear, I am here. Rest well. Chris

Well Jenna, I just don't know what else to do. If by "holding on" do you mean dangling from the narrowest of ledges by my fingernails, then yes, I am "holding on". I know beyond a shadow of a doubt My Paula is patiently awaiting my arrival. "I'm not sitting on a park bench waiting, but I am waiting. There is no need to rush." she told me. Given that as a fact, how can I possibly not want to be with her at the earliest possible instant? In the mean-time I'm stranded here, separated from the "Love of My Life", and suffering greatly without her. My Dad passed away just before Thanksgiving '88. I have watched my Mother struggle without him for over 25 years. I do not want to have to suffer that long if I have a choice. Have you come to a decision about Ben?

You are right Jenna. My Paula has the innate capacity to internalize a great deal of her feelings. She is the one person others come to for someone to "listen" to them. I would humbly like to think she would "struggle over loosing me" to some extent. And no, she wouldn't "overburden others" with her problems. Her great compassion for others and her eternally positive attitude always presented a cheery exterior. My Paula is the strongest person I know. Dealing with her major surgeries (2), cancer treatments (6), and complications for over three years with few outward complaints. She accepted her condition and dealt with it valiantly. I tried my absolute best to "be strong" for her, to be "there" for her, to support and love her to the best of my ability. I think I did an acceptable job in that area. Only My Paula knows for sure. Now that My Paula is gone I have collapsed internally. My anchor taken away. I wrestle with this reality daily, hourly. My Paula is the better part of me, of us. I externalize as a coping mechanism. Maybe not the best method of dealing with the enormous vacuum left in my heart and soul, but my outlet just-the-same. Coming to the realization of to what a great extent I depend and rely on her, it is so very hard for me to make the adjustment to being without her. It is well documented in this thread of my constant struggle with suicide as an escape mechanism. Coming close on more than one occasion, I have resisted to date. Pouring my heart out here, my weekly group sessions, and baring my tortured soul, has been an enormous influence on not following through on that constant thought. The indulgence extended me here is humbly acknowledged and greatly appreciated.

Not so sure about My Paula struggling as greatly as I am. She is so much stronger a person. I do know how hard this is for me. On the verge of unbearable at all times. It snowed here today. Very cold. 14*. No getting out of the house even if I had someplace to go or a reason to get out, which I didn't. I built a fire tonight like we did on many other similar cold nights. Despite the warmth the experience wasn't the same without My Paula. I fell asleep thinking of my love for her. I woke alone and troubled. The fire had died out. Nothing left but the ashes of what was. The hurt of her loss deep inside me just won't go away. The loneliness palpable in the very room where we shared so much of our lives. Tonight it was just a warm room devoid of the joy of a life lived together. I am simply a tired, sad, lonely man grappling with the loss of the love of my life. My Paula can not be replaced. I suffer greatly with that reality. So here I sit again in agony and torment over the fire that once was and the warmth we shared there.

Forgive me if I left the wrong impression. I would never suggest that a true loving relationship should be dis-regarded. You have to do what is right for you. I was just relating my similar prior efforts. And I do completely understand the significance of "that one special person". Wishing you the best on your quest for him.

Here's a story for you Jenna. In a fit of complete depression, not long after My Paula passed, I decided to look-up my first love from my college days. She broke my heart by breaking up so she could go off to a different college and party. I was a major hinderance to that. So in absolute despair, and on the rebound, I met and married the first girl to come along after that. She only wanted to get away from her mother. Needless to say that didn't work-out well. Then I met My Paula. The 35 + years after that are wonderful. But I digress. I did a people search and located her through her high school days. I saw pictures, got her address and phone number, etc. She is married, has two children, and grand-children too. Needless to say I knew instinctively that this was the totally wrong issue to pursue. Not only did I shame myself, I dis-honored My Paula. I asked for My Paula's forgiveness and was granted that consideration. Life has moved-on for us all. Going back there for the reasons I considered important proved to be completely misguided. That proverbial bell had rang, that ship had sailed, and no amount of what ifs could ever change that. I say all this to make this point. Consider carefully the choice to follow through on your search, if you choose to do so. What was then may not be now. I was guilt ridden and shamed for my effort. My Paula forgave me. You may not be so lucky. If the two of you were destined to be together, then surely that union would have been made by now. I do not mean to be harsh but reality has a way of thrashing our most cherished dreams. Please trust me. I know.

Oh how well I know those feelings Jenna. I have sympathy for those not believing in intuition or spirituality. They have no idea what they are missing. I choose to believe what my mind tells me about My Paula despite lack of confirmation. I have to. It's the only thread holding me here. I have dreams and visions about her regularly. The physical ringing of the doorbell is another thing. Ironically I used to talk about moving us to someplace in the mountains when she retired. She always said "no" due to her not caring for cold and snow. Sadly, tragically, she never got that chance. During her second dream-vision contact I asked her where she lived now. Surprisingly she replied ... "In the mountains". I choose to believe My Paula is there, in a place I know I will enjoy, waiting for me. I also believe she chose the mountains for my benefit. To further please me. That's just how loving and caring My Paula is. As to moving around I think that doesn't matter. The spiritual realm is not connected to this physical one. I choose to stay here because this house was remodeled to her exact specs. This is her "dream house". I will never leave here except to be with My Paula again.

Thank you Ladies. Like I told My Paula repeatedly, "I need all the help I can get". The Super Bowl was a good time. Personally, I was hoping that Seattle would win, and did they ever. Not a fan of the Manning clan. I did eat a little earlier. A bowl of cereal to be exact, thank you. It has been one of those days, you know. When nothing feels right, or me not in-sink with the world, or whatever it is. Everything just a little off. Trouble sleeping again as usual. It has been a while, but My Paula came by for a visitation. Doorbell ringing at 2:15 am. Wasn't sure I heard it at first so she rang again a minute or so later. Apparently she wanted to be sure I knew she had come by. Now I might be able to sleep and actually get some much needed rest. I know I probably won't ever rest well until she sleeps right next to me again. I am trying so hard to be patient and wait until then. Not always successfully though. "Good night Dear. Love You"

Feeling down today. Enjoyed being with family but the pressure to interact is harder than it once was. I came home tired and lonely. Too tired to rest. Didn't sleep well. Was up before 6 this AM. Went to school early. Being tired I didn't get much done. Was going to meet Greg at school for lunch. He was called to Waco (100 miles) for a meeting instead. Came home and hoped for a nap. Almost made it but for the phone. Now I have a headache, I'm tired, hungry (haven't eaten today), and lonely. Need to work on income taxes tomorrow. Not up to it tonight. It just keeps getting better doesn't it.

Hope everyone had a good Super-Bowl day. I was invited out to our son Greg's for a family gathering. Greg, Bobbie, grandson Brasen, grandson Ronnie and his new love, granddaughter Chrissie and her friend. Had a nice visit with them all. Good game. Good food. Good times. Only had one emotional spell over missing My Paula. Then the long lonely ride home to an empty house. Only broke down once then, too. Heard a song that stirred me. Since nothing is "normal" I'll assume this too is "normal". From the joyous clamor and to-do of eight people to just one is hard to do. For me anyway. Oh how greatly I miss My Paula.