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Thanks for the thoughts....it's so interesting...where do we draw the line between feeling a feeling (such as guilt), just being with it, acknowledging it versus intellectualizing it as a "could have/should have" emotion? Telling myself I don't need to feel what I feel seems counterproductive in getting through it. I'm not stuck in a pity party of grief; I'm moving forward in many healthy ways as my first year of loss transitions to its second year this week. Yet it feels right to BE with my guilt, regret, loss for moments each day. Jo

I've been examining my guilt about my husband's death, he was diagnosed with cancer 5 weeks before he died last year. He had symptoms for a few months that were either undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I missed medical signs for several months that I "could have/should have" put together into a cogent set of symptoms to bring to our doctor. I'm a medical professional. I do this for others all the time yet I missed it in my husband. I read the "Releasing Guilt" article in the Daily Om (thanks Marty), yet "feeling at peace with past actions" just doesn't fit where my heart is. Fred was getting ill, we didn't acknowledge how serious it was, by the time we figured it out, we had only 5 weeks together. We put all our energy into making his death a good death, no regrets there. I hadn't even thought about feeling guilty until I read this thread, but yes, I feel guilty that I missed or downplayed the signs when we maybe could have caught the cancer sooner and had more quality time. Jo

Donnacas, It's tough missing our loved ones when we want to share our day. I've had many lunch/work conversations similar to yours. I've come to learn that my co-workers are good people wrapped up in their own lives. I understand your sadness of not having a partner, a husband with whom to celebrate these milestones, these "firsts". Congrats on completing your first day of student teaching, feeling that it went fine. I hope you're proud of that accomplishment. Something that works for me....maybe will work for you too: I often take a lunch time walk to get away from the office chatter. It's good to be outdoors mid-day, sometimes I listen to music, call family/friends in a different time zone, try to empty my head as I walk. Thinking of you. Jo

6 weeks may feel like a blink of an eye and a long long tunnel since your life changed. I'm very sorry for your loss and the challenges you're facing. I'm on the same journey but started several months before you did.....my husband died almost one year ago. One important lesson I'm learning is to "just be" as much as I can amidst working full time & widowhood projects/priorities. For me, making time for introspection is crucial, exhausting, calming, insightful. I have many hours when I sit like a zombie and stare, too. I think we need that quiet time ....distraction? re-charging? grief processing? .... it's honoring a need to take care of my heart and mind. Mental focus still does not come easy but I'm grateful I have a job I like, income & structure in my days. I wish for you that you find adequate focus to complete your last semester. ....one assignment at a time. Take good care, Jo

Article worth reading....from my perspective as a recent widow, this author is one of the "unsafe people" who doesn't get it. Jo

Amazing, Fae...you and I posted our messages almost simultaneously. The power of groups!

Hi Harry, I'll stick my neck out and support your "plan B" (talk you out of it). Your recent article, your walkingwithjane website and your fundraising efforts are laudable, from your heart. You do amazing work for NET cancer awareness and fund raising. You put your love out there and I wonder about the toll it's taking on you. I'm much newer in my grief journey than you. My husband died 11 months ago, 5 weeks after an aggressive throat cancer was found. I learn so much on this website...recently our friend, Fae, posted something that took my breath away and tossed me leaps and bounds ahead in understanding of my grief work ahead. (I don't know how to add the link to an email, but it's in the Near Death Experience topic recently.) Fae - thank you warmly for your insight. This is my new meditation: "We must take the love we feel for our Beloved and turn 100% of it to our own spirits, our own hearts, our own care, peace, and well-being. We must turn 100% of it toward our joy. It is not that hard to do, just meditate on it. I can do it for a few minutes, but then I lose it. But at least I know how it feels now." So, Harry, please think about taking your love for Jane and energy for NET advocacy and turn it inward to your healing for 6 months. If a book needs to be written, your work will still be there. Jo

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dear Donnacas, I've very sorry for your loss and all the logistical challenges you're suddenly faced with, as well as supporting your boys and beginning your own griefing. My husband died last September after a short illness....I, too, had a tough time getting restful sleep for several months. I understand feeling fidgety in early grief, feeling like nothing satisfies, feeling no joy, feeling lonely but not wanting people too close. For me, those feelings faded gradually over several months. Things that I think helped me: working hard to eat nutritiously, stay hydrated, exercise most days, relax my mind and body as I could, doing grief support work. I had to make some hard decisions early on including selling a business.....it's tough, and it's not fair and we do somehow make it through but it takes a lot of effort at a time when we have low reserves. We learn to take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time amidst our busy-ness. Thinking of you and wishing you good rest tonight. Jo

Sleep is a magic elixir....I now function on ~6 hrs/night and I have decent mental clarity, I re-charge with at least 9 hrs on the weekend. Before Fred got sick, I routinely slept 8+ hrs/night. I sleep less & lighter now; many days at pre-dawn I work through a problem, a grief issue, a household fix-it, a solution for a challenging patient at work....it seems to be my new problem solving time of day....before I'm fully awake. I welcome that my brain works while my body rests. It doesn't feel imbalanced, curiously. It feels right for now. Jo

My guests departed yesterday & while I welcome their friendship, company, talks of the past & future and help with projects, sitting in solitude is comforting. Lots of grief triggers are bubbling up - last year this week Fred & I flew to Seattle for his 2 day marathon of medical consults that diagnosed his throat cancer. We got each other laughing when he saw a wayward wheelchair in the airport and I shanghai’d it to help us get to the light rail station outside the terminal because he felt too weak to walk the distance. And we held each other crying as we talked through his choice to forego surgery and radiation. Reflecting back on it now, coming home and embracing hospice care last year this week felt like being wrapped in a cocoon. I’m all jittery this morning (haven’t even had any caffeine!)… couldn’t focus through a 5 minute meditation. My outdoor projects await me, so I think a good plan is to go split some wood.

I thank all who share their heartfelt experience. Lest you thought I asked and retreated.... I've had a very busy work week, a freezer failure I'm still dealing with, and a house full of guests arrived yesterday. I will return and more thoughtfully re-read these articles, thoughts and wisdom. Jo

The concept of unsafe people is interesting....it's pretty tough to avoid them in daily life. And Kay, you're right, for the folks who are blissfully ignorant of grief's lingering impact are in some ways lucky since they haven't had a big loss. Marty, Mary & Anne, thanks for your thoughts and resources (except, Mary, the link to the poem doesn't work and I'd appreciate reading it if you can try it another way). I think I'm doing okay identifying and anticipating triggers, I'm fairly resilient, I guess I'm a bit impatient to be further along in my transitions. I have plenty to do with my days and evenings....I work, maintain home and yard/gardens, exercise regularly, spend several hours a week on grief topics/reading and reflection. These past 2-3 months I'm pushing a bit to be more social.....that's where the "unsafe people" come in. So you're right Mary, learning to live amongst them is part of transition to a new normal.

I'm starting a new thread because I feel stuck emotionally and I need some wisdom here. You all will say 10 months is too soon to feel normal after the death of a spouse after 31 years of marriage; of course I get that.....my heart lives that daily. Yet I feel stuck trying to work ahead towards my new normal. Fred & I lovingly understood how we would support each other if/when natural death came. His time came first...5 weeks from diagnosis to death. Fast cancer. I wasn't ready for that speed but I honored it. We were brave together last year at this time... August & Sept last year were blurs. I get it (but family & friends don't get it) that from now into September will be extra-sad for me because it's the first anniversary of Fred's end of life diagnosis & death. I talk about him in conversations, no one else but me mentions him. Can they really all have forgotten him so soon? Or are they trying to spare me more heartache? Defining a "new normal"....how do you approach it? Jo

Mary, It sounds like Bentley is in good medical hands ( holistic vet) and loving hands, yours. We love our canines and they love us unconditionally. One of life's joys. Jo I've loved and lost 3 Labrador Retrievers in 18 years

Karen...you, Debbie and your special ones are in my thoughts today and as you make this transition...Jo

You and Debbie and all your loved ones are in my thoughts. I send strength for this transition.

Bucket list item accomplishment today....I rode the world's tallest (1300' vertical drop), longest (5300' long) fastest (60mph) zipline this afternoon. All this less than 50 miles from home.....Did I have fun? Heck, yes. Would I do it again? doubtful :-) Jo

Mary, I'm with you on Bentley's heath issues. I'm a retriever lover, I've lost 4 Labrador Retrievers in my adult life to a wide range of canine heath issues.....so I get what you're going through. They love us, don't you wish they could tell us their story? Please know I'm sharing your load....I'm thinking of you and Bentley. Jo

Hi Lynn, I recently sold our boat....I understand the mixed emotions you're feeling about selling your husband's truck this week. So many good memories, "happy/sad" to let it go. I try to schedule a productive project each week and something consoling and healthy for me every day, like a walk, some grief reading, last evening I got a pedicure. Sometimes I'm more successful than others.....sometimes I just need to sit and watch the birds at my feeders, calming. Wishing you a good day today. Jo

Lynn, I'm sorry for your loss with your husband's recent death. This site has caring people who share a sad common thread, we all know grief. My husband Fred died 9 months ago. Seems like eons ago yet yesterday. We had 32 good years. I'm working my way through. "Am so sad that I am having hard time getting back on my feet. Anyone that can give me some helpful hints, it would be greatly appreciated." Here's what works for me...some days better than others: try for decent sleep, a bit of exercise, plenty of healthy fluids. see if gratitude can lift you a bit. At least that's my experience. Please stay in touch on this site. We are with you. Jo

My positive: routine trip to the eye doctor yesterday. One eye has not changed in 3 years; the other eye improved to 20/20. For several years I've worn one contact lens for mono-vision (one eye for distance, one eye for close up). Now I no longer need the contact....woohoo. Jo

Marty, the poem touched me & is so timely for me just now. Thank you. Chris, Heidi, I share your grief...everyone here has been there, is there. Part of the help I receive from this forum is perspective from those who came to grief before me. It's very hard work to pull myself up yet I know it's how I'll heal so I keep trying. Some days are better than others. My heart is certainly lighter than 6 months ago, I have happy moments, still lots of tears. Anniversaries, the "firsts", are very tough for me...yesterday was Fred's birthday. Last June 4th, we arrived in Glacier Bay National Park on our boat, spent a glorious 10 days amidst the glaciers, whales and seabirds fishing and kayaking. I'm now selling the boat because I can't afford it alone. It's what I must do....bittersweet. I could be morose, instead I chose gratitude for the adventures we shared with 9 summers on this boat in Alaska's Inside Passage. Last evening, I got my first offer after a month for sale & accepted it. How cool is that, on Fred's birthday? This evening, I attended the memorial service of a co-worker who died early last month. I was struck by how far I've come in my grief evolution in 8 months. It took reaching out to others in newer grief to feel that in myself. Then I came home, settled in to read this forum, found Marty's poem.....Love does not die, people do. So, when all that's left of me is love, give me away as best you can. I like it. I'll try it. Jo

Good morning Anne. My thoughts are with you on the 2 year anniversary of Jim's death this week. Yes, going to the warm memories, feeling the loss then moving back to now and focusing forward....that approach helps me day by day. My community and work circle had another tragedy this week, we lost colleague who disappeared while hiking alone last weekend. After a 5 day multi-agency search including search dogs, helicopters, more than 30 trained rescuers, the state troopers called off the search as there were no leads....she just disappeared without a trace. So many questions and no answers. My heart is heavy with the loss of these two talented women, each one a physical therapist, both in the month of May.

I'm missing spring activities Fred & I always did together.... fishing excursions on our boat (which is for sale) and gathering firewood near our home in Alaska. As you all relate to, I'm missing the shared activity....the sharing. I went to a women's workshop last weekend sponsored by AK Dept of Fish & Game called BOW (Becoming an Outdoors Woman). It's offered in several states. I'm competent in many outdoor skills but I wanted to learn shore fishing & chainsaw safety. The 4 half-day workshops I took bolster my confidence. It's part of my evolution to take charge of next winter's firewood & salmon. Won't change missing Fred, but gives me a diversion, new friends, new skills. Being social was much harder than flyfishing. Jo