JeL

Dear ML, I'm sharing my heartfelt sympathy with you and wishing you resilience and courage for the grief work ahead. My husband died 8 months ago just 5 weeks after his cancer diagnosis so in some ways our experience is similar. My initial busy-ness helped me tackle the necessary tasks (financials, selling a business and a car, winterizing and storing the boat) and I welcomed the energy and distractions. For me, it was comforting to de-clutter, begin purging "stuff" I knew I'd never want or need. I made sure to save his clothing/books/tools linked to memories and I'm moving forward with decisions about those slowly. I slept in one of his T shirts just last night; I feel it's like him hugging me. Crazy maybe, but that does not make me sad, it helps me feel grateful for our 31 happy years. Others' wisdom about structuring healthy habits in to each day is good advice....some calm/reflective time alone or with your special ones, exercise, healthy diet, trying to rest. I returned to work 2 weeks after Fred died; that was both tough and helpful. Being around people, having meaningful work, building in a few hours of grief reading and reflection each week, making plans for the anniversaries...these strategies are moving me forward most days. As I've posted here, sometimes I move 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Be well. Jo

Thanks for the comments and Marty, thank you for the references. I looked at several and printed out a few to bring to work. Grieving my husband has sharpened my focus... I think that will help me mourning my work friend.

It was a tough day at the hospital where I work....I feel so very sad that she died alone. We had a mental health counselor available to us for several hours today, a few of us met with her between our own patient appointments or at lunch time. That was so supportive of our administration to provide that. We're all just beginning to process this awful event.

Thank you...yes, we've reached her family and all are heading home to Alaska. It's a joy-less Monday morning as I get myself ready to begin my work week with trepidation for the emotions ahead. One breath at a time...

A healthy friend went hiking today and didn't come back. She died in trail slide. We're still trying to reach her husband and adult kids who all are away in foreign countries. Why? How? She & I worked together every day. Tomorrow morning at work will not be the same. I'm reeling this evening. Jo

Marty, You took a bold step and I appreciate that you posted this content. I'm pretty new to this site and I've felt nothing but welcome acceptance and good counsel. I see that there's a core group of members who blog daily and others who hang back or check in less frequently. Sometimes I push people away when I really need their warm embrace, so Marty, your skilled observation may be right on that this member is trying to reach out for help in a time of deep hurt. That's a tough place to be, I speak from experience. Thank you for your kind heart and healing website community. Joey

These resources look great... I'd like to develop meditation as a habit yet I find adjustments to secondary losses zap me. The additional household responsibilities now mine since Fred died really add up. Where do we find the time and energy for these extras in addition to the basics like work, social & exercise? For me, quality sleep is better than any glass of wine or chocolate cookie. Except for my first months of acute grief, I've never had trouble sleeping. Thankfully, I'm past that most of the time. After watching this TED talk, I feel fortunate to be in the minority that awakens "fully charged" most mornings. My favorite time of day is the last few minutes of a good sleep.

Thank you, Mary. I understand that a group's dynamic flows with what the members are experiencing in the moment, yet I think there is likely a core, some structure as a starting point. The next session begins in 6 months, so I have time to decide. The many tools here are helpful; I also subscribe to two online grief support resources that come to me at intervals. G'day to all.

My husband died 8 months ago; this site is a huge support thanks to you all. Last month I tried to join a local grief support group but that didn't go well and my community has no other option, so I'm feeling ready to engage a bit more with you gentle folks here. Fred was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer and died 5 weeks later, last September. His few symptoms confounded the ENT MD for 12 months prior; multiple scans showed no cancer. He had decent quality of life until the day he died. We knew his airway would close. Hospice was involved. We ate a yummy breakfast together, we were in the garage working on a project when the tumor shifted/his airway closed. He had a PICC line in & I had morphine ready just for this anticipated event. We had skilled RN guidance with stronger meds. He died that afternoon. So many blessings, so much gratitude for his peaceful end of life, so much heartache remains. I never hit the "fog" predicted....I juggle many professional balls, try to work on healthy habits. It really feels like 3 steps forward, 1 step back most weeks. I don't have questions now, I guess I'm just sharing my story. It's a tough & valid bond we share on this site, eh? Jo

I felt ready last month to register for a local grief support group, try to meet some local folks going thru similar experiences. I asked for an approximate agenda, the 12 weeks of topics and the grief mix (pet loss/job loss/spouse loss? etc). The grief group leader declined to answer my questions or call me back, suggested I just show up. Too bad it's the only grief support group option in my area. So my positive today is that I think I'll be more active on this site for a while. There are good hearts here. Jo

Heidi, I'm very sorry for your loss and the acute grief it brings. Thank you for your reply yesterday to my post. Your description of your husband's end of life after his stroke tells me that you were an amazing advocate and I hope that you, too, have the comfort of knowing you did the right thing....the very best you could. Please take care of you... naps, walks, a bit of social time, healthy light meals, lots of water. Grief is very hard work; it can drain me dry. I feel more resilient when I structure in good habits and reserve a few hours a week for reflection, reading about grief healing, memories, looking forward. I wish that for you, too.

I post infrequently but I read active threads a few times a week. I thank the regulars and the brave hearts who articulate what they're going thru. I respect Chris' thread and wonder if this recent divergence may be moved to a new topic? Your call Chris, Marty & Mary. I'm replying to Marty's post about the first year, seasons, anniversaries, how we're all at a different place on the grief path. Some supportive friends tell me I'm moving too fast; others tell me I'm stuck and need to move on. I'm just trying to roll with where I am in my grief evolution. 7 months ago, my husband died 5 weeks after his stage 4 cancer diagnosis, 28 years of our marriage. He died at home with hospice palliative care. I'm very much at peace with how he left this world and I'm so very grateful we agreed to no chemo/radiation/surgery that would only have prolonged our suffering. Of course I have regrets; my gratitude for his minimal suffering outweighs my regrets. I have big "firsts" coming up...my birthday, his birthday, his death. I endured our wedding anniversary, Christmas season, Valentine's Day...all so very tough. I 'm still early in grief yet I feel a lightening of the raw emotional place of the first few months. I sleep well and awake refreshed. I exercise and enjoy the effort. My appetite has returned. When I feel a dark grief cloud coming on (usually lasts 2-3 days) I retreat to my grief reading, go on a long hike, cook up a week's worth of meals and give some away, borrow a young child to care for, spend time with my memories. Helping others helps me cope. For several months I needed to be very busy: sold our business, painted several rooms in the house, cleaned everything in sight, worked as many extra hours as my job offered me. Then I settled and spent more time reflecting. Now the pendulum is swinging towards a central balance. Two friends this week essentially told me to get over it, life goes on. I'm not ready to be over it, and they're obviously tired of me using them as a sounding board so I need to develop other resources and strategies so I don't alienate them. I get it...this is a solo journey as time goes on. When Mary & others suggest that the grief load lifts as time passes, I trust their wisdom. Thanks to this site's sages.

Melina, Thanks for asking how others adapt, you and all the responses here help me look inward. I appreciate the wisdom. Adjusting to being a widow is starting to settle in. It's been 6 months since my husband died. Here's how I'm adapting to my new life: Work is my foundation; I need the income, I excel in my healthcare career and keeping to a schedule creates structure when lots has changed in my life. I push myself to attend at least one social event a week....a lecture, concert or such, sometimes with a friend or two, sometimes alone in a crowd. Being social creates awkward, sad moments: last night I attended a fund raiser and two different casual acquaintances who obviously hadn't heard my husband died asked me what he's doing these days. That happens pretty frequently, I'm always caught off-guard. I have a 2-3 sentence honest polite answer then change the subject back to them before my teary floodgate opens. Creating emotional stability in my grief starts with sleep and exercise. When my body's tired, I sleep better. Eating for one is a bit more challenging but I'm taking care nutritionally for the most part. I do like my cookies :-) Letting people in to my sadness creates yet more pain; I prefer to reflect, cry, process in solitude. I find that a few minutes a day, a few hours a week of grief reading & reflecting on memories often works for me. I'm starting to sleep well enough to recall dreams and some are "aha moments" of grief processing and introspection. The grief tsunami overpowers me often...lots of firsts these past 6 months, many more to come, I know. So, "what now?"....... I foresee at least 1-2 years to evolve into my new normal; I hope to remain open, be reflective, not reactive. I'm staying in our home and my job for now; I can envision a different place down the road. If another special love comes my way, I think I'd jump for joy....being alone is okay right now. I'm drawn these days to helping others, simple things...childcare, cooking meals for busier friends, the “random acts of kindness” thing. Gratitude buoys my heavy heart. "Getting hold of happiness..." Am I happy? No, I'm certainly not happy. Every day is tough, but I smile and laugh at small things. And I have moments of contentment. As wise women here say, "fake it til you make it". I try to feel enriched by all my life experiences and losing my husband to cancer is indeed a learning experience on so many levels. I believe happiness will visit me again one day. Wishing you happiness soon.

looking for the positives.....a 91 year old recent widower patient in my therapy department gave me a cute little box of Valentine's candy hearts today....the ones that say Be Mine and Luv You. We've talked a bit about how life changes when you lose a spouse. It was heartwarming. There's so much to learn from our elders.

Thanks all, for the replies about how you spent your Valentine's Day. It feels daunting that this powerful trigger remains so strong in many whose partner died years ago. My holiday weekend cabin stay was soothing, healthy, social in a calm way; the distraction from the intensity of my first Valentine's Day after my husband died worked decently for 2 days. Upon returning home Monday, emotion overpowered me... I sat like a zombie, crying, feeling washed out. It's been a low 2 days. I'm struggling to force the healthy habits this week: good diet, regular exercise (tho' I skipped today), trying to sleep. I want to feel the pendulum swinging back towards balance just a bit. This week it's really one day/hour at a time. Marty, your references are so helpful - thank you. Harry, you have a poetic gift. Thanks for letting us read your poem. joey

Valentine's Day is a trigger of sadness for me....another first. My husband died 5 months ago. I read this site almost daily and I'm learning from your wisdom, thank you. You all help me even though I'm often a silent partner. I knew Valentine's Day would be tough so I made a plan. I rented a wilderness cabin with 5 girl friends and we'll ski and snowshoe for the next 3 days, share meals, stories, tears. I'll welcome sitting by the river quietly then rejoin the fun when I'm ready. Feels like a good compromise between the 2 worlds I'm living in these days, "normal" and grief. I'd like to learn how others who've lost a spouse spend their Valentine's Day. Our last few years' Valentine's Day: nice dinner at home, tried a new gourmet recipe together, quality bottle of wine, flowers for me...how I miss the flowers this year! Oh, yeah, the sex was delicious dessert. How I miss that, too. Hope to read some rejuvenating replies in a few days when I'm back online. Take good care. joey.

I'm a bereaved woman and I have a guy friend who has a nice alternative to a hug. He's offer this contact every time we've seen each other since my husband died 4 months ago. Curious, his wife is not a hugger, tho' she's a good friend, too. It's quite comforting and in no way intrusive: He gently holds my hands and lightly touches his forehead to my forehead and asks me to take a few breaths with him. We pause, breath, silently hold hands for 15 - 30 seconds. Peaceful....powerful. As good as a hug - no boundary issues, communicates so much.

This evening I donated via payPal...Marty, Mary & many others...You do good work. I've read snippets of this site a few times a week over the past 4 weeks and found lots of helpful reflections, references, links. Thank you. My husband died almost 3 months ago. I'm mostly a silent reader here, I just don't have the energy to forge new relationships. What I've learned from this site: I can't go back to my life before my husband died because it's not the same, I'm not the same. I have not yet found my new life, so I'm a bereaved in-betweener and I'm doing my best to learn here so I can move on. I gentle push myself towards and thru each surge of sorrow, try to feel it, understand it, move past the ache to the fun and loving memories. If I keep at this, I'll move forward. Thank you for having this website for bereavement self help. I hope my small donation helps. Regards.

I so appreciate the personal replies from this group. I find I'm reflecting on advice that resonates....I try to hold that with me as I go throughout my day. KayC said it well, "Sometimes we use the guilt/pain to hold us to them, but it isn't necessary...we are held close to them regardless." This idea resonates with me for now and I think will help me feel more comfortable being around colleagues and friends. That will be my task as I start my busy work week. thank you, kind ones.

warm thanks for the connections and article references. JeL

arlene, thanks for your reply. Today is 7 weeks since my husband's death...28 years as my best friend...I know it'll take some time. I am not prepared for the places my grief is taking me. This week, I hit an emotional wall of sadness as I try to re-approach "normal" social life...dentist appt, service call at the house, an invitation from friends to dinner. They all feel overwhelming but I get it done, come home and cry a lot. Our 28th wedding anniversary is next week...I miss my husband every day, every hour. I'm a raw, teary blob by night and highly functioning medical professional by day. I get it that grief is a process...got to go through, not detour. I'm beginning that journey. There may be strategies - how to approach my wedding anniversary? JeL

I'm a newbie to this grief group, and a newbie to bereavement and loss...I'm hoping to learn some wisdom from this forum. My husband died last month after a short illness. Gratefully, we had time to gather family, make a few important decisions, cry/laugh together as we said goodbye. I'm back to work and household maintenance, slowly healing from some early grief physical effects like insomnia and loss of appetite. I feel solace in my social isolation and anxious going to concerts/movies/dinner (I've tried), so I'm declining most offers from well-meaning friends. I feel I'm disrespecting my husband when I do "normal" social activities. Our wedding anniversary is coming up; just thinking of it crumples me into a raw, teary blob. I truly don't know how I'm going to make it to and thru this first milestone event so soon after his death. Any similar experiences or suggestions? JeL