Kacy

Hate to keep posting here but feel like, other than my husband, not many really understand. I have tried various forums and chat rooms, but always come away feeling almost worse instead of better. Not to say they aren't helpful for some people, maybe just not for me. It seems as though everyone wants to "fix" you. I know someone posted a really good article on here about it being okay to not be okay. That was very helpful. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the feeling from many that as soon as you mention that the vets possibly did not give the correct medication or dosage of medication and that you feel like your dog should still be here, they automatically start defending the vet or saying that the dog was older and had heart problems. Marty, if you are reading this, I thank you for discussing our situation with your veterinarian friend - for at least seeing the "other side" of things. The vets are not ALWAYS right - nor are they always wrong - and some are more caring than others (while some are more caring of your money - as in you just spent $$$$$ on your dog's 6 day treatment in ICU and then they never even called to check on her after you brought her home. This was not Allie. I realize Allie was 9 years old and that her breed is prone to heart problems, but Allie was a young 9 years old. She always tried to be first thru the gate into the dining room at dinner time, even though it was a race between her and our male dog, who is built much sturdier than she. Then, she would run into the cage, her place for dinner, so quickly that she had to throw her paw up against the side to keep from flying into the back of it. She would then sit down and wait impatiently for you to put the dish down, acting like she hadn't eaten in days. That was Allie. So, to have her suddenly gone is hard to accept. I feel like my own vet, who was not involved much the last several months in Allie's care due to her being treated by the specialist, is feeling like she needs to defend Allie's treatment (or lack of treatment). Trying to defend why Allie was put on 5 mg of lasix when the normal starting dose is 20-25 mg - saying that they always try to use the lowest dose necessary (which I fully understand and, believe me, I'm the last person who wants their dog on unnecessary medication). But 3 dogs, all weighing about the same, were started on 25 mg of lasix and now suddenly 5 mg is the starting dose? Yes, maybe Allie's xray showed a smaller amount of fluid than the other dogs, but she also supposedly had some type of lung issue, so wouldn't it be even more important to get rid of even the smallest amount of fluid? Doesn't make any sense to me. This had been going on since January, with many trips to 2 different specialists (whose offices were side by side). And thru it all and in spite of the labored breathing and cough, Allie was her normal self - still running thru that gate, still running back into the house to get her 1 Cheerio, still letting me know when dinner was a few minutes late, still practically breaking the door down if I dared to go into the bathroom without her. I just don't know how to accept Allie's death. Obviously, I have to, but I seem to keep fighting it. With other dogs, while it was not easy, there was some rationalization that their bodies had given up, or they had become senile and did not seem happy anymore, or that we had done all we could for them and they were at the point that it was more loving to let them go - but this was not the case with Allie. Other than Lucy, our little girl was lost suddenly last year, the others all had a peaceful death. Allie did not. I think it was probably the worst experience of my life to hold her in my arms while she struggled to breath as we tried to rush her to the ER. I know she is at peace now, and I have to remind myself of that when I start reliving those moments. Anyway, thank you for reading this and letting me vent. Mary

Would love the name of the homeopathic vet. BTW, Dr. Don was able to help Connor. Not sure he'll ever be 100%, but he is better. As for our new cardiologist that is 2 hours away, he is about the only option we have left, as far as cardiologists go. Have seen both local ones and there just aren't that many around. The new one is willing to work with our regular vet for bloodwork, etc and then only see Molly every 6 months unless there is a problem. So, it's not like we will have to go there very often. No more mention of miracles - I'll just keep that notion to myself. Mary

This brings to mind the phrase "the more time I spend with humans, the more I like my dog (or cat)". I don't understand why people need to be so nasty at times. Yes, I think most of us can throw a few jabs here and there (I know I can), but why do that in a situation like this? I just don't get it. I was talking with someone who recently lost their dog and when they went to pick up the ashes, the person just asked for their name and handed them the bag with the box of ashes in it. No expression of sympathy. Just handed them the bag. Now, why would a person like that even be working in a crematory or funeral home? Would it have been too much for them to say "I'm sorry about the loss of your dog"? Just like, why couldn't the family just say they were sorry and let it go at that?

Maylissa, You always so eloquently put into words what I am thinking! I'm so sorry you are going thru such an ordeal over your brother's estate. I don't know why but it seems nothing can be done in a timely, efficient manner anymore. First of all, even with email, cellphones, etc., it seems to take a major effort to get people to get back to you. And then when they do, it's always like whatever your circumstances are that it is the first time they have ever handled that particular situation or problem - even if it is exactly what their job is supposed to entail. Why is that? Then, you can only hope when they do finally respond with an answer or information, that the information is correct. I find it really, really frustrating. I hope by some miracle things will fall into place with your situation and everything will go smoothly from this point forward. I do have to say that I have some hope for this new cardiologist that I took Molly to a few weeks ago. I felt a real warmth from him that he truly cared about Molly. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but he had his office call me a few days later, actually on a day he was home sick, to tell me the results of Molly's heartworm test and also to check on how she was doing after the appointment because we had discussed how stressful such a long day was on her. That alone was a miracle! The only downside is that he is 2 hrs away. But, I am hopeful there for now. Of course, he is a traditional vet, but at least a caring one - or seems to be so far. Mary

You're right - no easy answers for any of this. I am starting to feel as if I'm beating my head against the wall though. I had dropped off a copy of the final autopsy report to my regular vet last week. She called me on Monday. My husband and I originally had thought we would just set up an appt to sit down and talk to her to go over everything. She said that would be fine, but she would have to charge for a consultation. I was totally okay with that. She has spent a lot of her own time over the years talking by phone to me over various issues going on with my dogs, mostly in the evening when her day should have been over. She is very dedicated, although I do not always, or even often, agree with her (vaccinations, etc.). We did get to talking about the report, and I asked a few questions about the histiocytic pneumonia. I honestly still do not understand what that means but the pneumonia part of it she said is not what we think of when we think of pneumonia. The report was just stating that she had inflammation in the lungs. It was not a type of pneumonia that could be treated by antibiotics. Then, we went onto the congestive heart failure part of it, and I stated that I tried to tell them when we took Allie to the ER a few days before she died that she had gone into chf because her respirations had doubled in one day. But they said it was her lung issue. I told her Allie was on a minimal amount of lasix. IMO, she tap danced around most of what I said. She started on about how they always use the lowest dose because of the kidney issue. Now, when this all started in January, the vet in her own office started Allie on 25 mg, then the cardiologist said she was not in chf and took her off of it. A few weeks later, the internal med dr said there was fluid in her lungs and put her on 5 mg. The following week, the cardiologist changed that to 20 mg. This was early February. Since that time, there was no change to the dose except when I got desperate and upped it myself a bit (but apparently not enough). Did not see any improvement so went back to old dose of 20 mg. Now, with 20/20 hindsight, I can see the amount I was increasing was not enough. The cardiologist had offhandedly said I could try upping the dose, but it probably wouldn't help because it was her airway disease and not fluid causing the problem. Anyway, I proceeded to get really upset over the fact that no matter what I said, I felt like my vet was defending Allie's treatment from the specialists. I finally said that I understood that she has a professional relationship with them and even if she did agree with me would not say so (I said that as nicely as I could), but she said no, she would speak up. She went on to say about the 5 mg dose of the lasix and how that is not a low dose. This is totally not true. I had 3 dogs, all about the same size, with fluid in the lungs. All were started by HER OFFICE at 25 mg a day, then changed to 20 mg a day by the cardiologists, except for Allie whose dose was discontinued. Yes, Allie may have had less fluid in her lungs but she also supposedly had some type of lower airway issue (chronic bronchitis, etc.). So, even if there was less fluid, the fact that she also had another health issue would make it even more important, IMO, to get the fluid under control before it escalated. To make a long story short, I just gave up and thanked her for her time. I told my husband there is no point in going in to talk to her. We would just keep going around and around in circles. She didn't have much to say though when I told her about how the cardiologist's vet tech told me to keep giving this new inhaler medication even though I told them she seemed worse after the treatment. I said I don't know why I listened to them. That goes against everything - even in modern medicine. But they said she needed 2 weeks for it to kick in. Okay, maybe - but to me that only means you should keep giving it if she was not getting worse from the medication. Then, I had contacted this veterinary pathologist I found online because I wanted to talk to a few other vets besides my regular vet, who I know would be partial to the specialists. He was supposed to be giving me a price on going over the report. I sent it to him last week. He emailed right away about what questions I might have. I emailed back and he said to let him know after I had talked to my regular vet and he would give me a price. Have been trying to get an answer from him since then. If he didn't want to do it, he should have just said so. All I wanted was for him to answer some questions and basically explain in English what the autopsy meant. So, very frustrated there as well. Was finally able to make appt with the 3rd vet that I am going to talk to. She is a holistic vet that I had consulted with by phone about Allie. She had made a few diet suggestions and one supplement, and we were going to continue on but that never happened because Allie died. I'm hoping she will give an honest opinion since she is not involved with any of the other vets because she is not from this area. The appt is for next Wednesday. So, we'll see how that goes. I want confirmation from her that this type of pneumonia could not be treated. I do agree with your team approach for treatment, but trying to find a team that I trust and believe in seems totally impossible at this point. Mary

Maylissa, IMO, the problem goes back to not having good holistic vets available who understand how to treat heart disease. One that I have used off and on for years for various other issues flat out told me that Lucy was the most difficult heart case she had ever treated, and that was before Lucy got really bad. She could not offer anything beyond the basic supplements that I knew of before going to her. This after many visits with her and, of course, a lot of $$$. I fought the use of the Vetmedin (not a diuretic, as lasix) because it is a somewhat newer medication and a very powerful one. I had read that it can sometimes allow the heart to work so much better that it puts too much pressure on the mitral valve, which in my dogs, is bad. I finally caved in on each one of my dogs and, like I said, only Molly remains. Yes, dogs do die suddenly of heart disease WITHOUT Vetmedin. Would they have died either way? Who knows? I do use many of the Standard Process supplements. To totally switch over to them and not use the conventional meds, is a very scary thought. I would love to do that, but if anything happened to Molly at that point, I would never forgive myself. I know you understand. This is why I honestly do not feel that I will ever own any more dogs when my current ones are no longer with us - not something I ever thought I would say. Mary

I wish that I had some wise words to make you feel better, but I can only say that you are among other people here who understand. Many of us don't have much of a support system outside of forums like these, and even if we do, people tend to not want to hear about it over and over again. It makes it very difficult when you're grieving and then feeling isolated as well. It's obvious that you took good care of Orabelle - probably more than anyone else in her life. I'm sure she knew how much you loved her. It's hard when their quality of life just isn't there. Very difficult decision, but she is not suffering now. Try to remember that. Keep posting here when you need to. Mary

My dogs did not have any nausea or loss of appetite from the Vetmedin, but it can cause atrial tears and ruptured chords in the heart as well as sudden death. The only thing is, this can happen without the Vetmedin. So, there is no way to prove it was the Vetmedin and the vets do not want to say that it was. Mary

The medication is pimobendan (Vetmedin). All I can find are glowing reviews. Ended up agreeing to put Molly on it last year when we almost lost her - out of desperation. I have to say she is doing well, but it still scares me.

Maylissa, on 26 May 2015 - 10:28 AM, said: On the 1st page of the 1st link you posted - something like "Is the vet trying to ??? google?". It basically talked about how they can create websites, or have them created, that would appear before other websites when a search is done on their name. So, basically make the bad reviews harder to find. Don't know if this is possible with medications but, like I said, it's very difficult to find any information against using one of the heart medications. As for the idea of the ACing - very possible. Hadn't thought of that. Out of 365 days, that person's cat died on the same day as Allie - only 9 years earlier but updated now. Mary

Just one other thing. I have to go back and reread some of the information, but I thought it was interesting how it is possible to manipulate a google search to hide information. How someone would do that is way over my head, but I often wondered about one of the medications that my dogs were on that I just can't seem to find a bad report on - only glowing reviews. Of course, with heart disease there is always the "sudden death" that can naturally occur so it seems when a dog dies on this medication, it is always attributed to that. Don't know how to dig deeper to find information though. Mary

Maylissa, I am just now reading over the links you sent. I had to stop to post this reply. I read the first link over about the cat who died 16 years ago due to improper care of the Texas vet. When I went back to the home page of the website, my heart skipped a beat. The cat died 16 years ago - on the very same day that we lost Allie. April 26. I will definitely save the link and will be reading further. It's hard to believe that the original case was never proven due to the deciding vet who basically did not allow it to continue. In this case (as opposed to Allie's situation), there were things even someone who is not a vet but reasonably knowledgeable would find upsetting - as in putting a cat under who had kidney issues without giving fluids. In Allie's case, I truly believe that more should have been done since she was seen by them multiple times since January for the labored breathing (and for 2 years prior to that for routine care). Thank you for posting. So ironic that she died the same day. Mary

Maylissa, You are very correct about the inner anger and frustration. It does get a hold on you that is almost impossible to let go of. I feel like I am a different person now after losing Allie and Lucy and can't seem to let go of either the anger or come to terms with the frustration. As for the xray machine, I believe that this is a topnotch facility - at least from what I have seen of it - but I could be wrong. It was totally remodeled a few years back. Of course, I have never actually seen the xray machine and probably wouldn't know if it was up to date or not. I will be sending the digital xray to a veterinary pathologist probably in a week or so, and it will be interesting to see if he has an opinion about the quality of it. I can't seem to find out exactly what histiocytic pneumonia means. I have seen the word "cancer" mentioned when trying to find the meaning of histiocytic but I don't think it necessarily means cancer. Hopefully, I will be meeting with my regular vet next week and then the other 2 after that. I'm so sorry the autopsy will take 3 months. I didn't realize it could take that long. Makes things even harder for you because I imagine that will hold up everything else?? It would wonderful if you were able to find a GOOD lawyer, but we all know that is almost about as easy as finding a good vet. There are some, but very, very few, IMO. They are extremely good at taking your money, but generally that's about it. As for trying the AC, I am seriously thinking along those lines. Did some checking and came up with one that I may try. What I liked is that she states if you don't feel within the first 10 minutes that what she is saying makes sense in relation to your pet, she will end the call and there is no charge to you. As I said before, I have probably tried 4 or 5 different ones over the years (unfortunately, I never kept track of names) but there was not one of them that said even one thing that made any sense to me. Mary

Thank you, Kay. I really will be surprised if any of the 3 vets are totally honest with their opinion, although I do have some hope that one of them will be. I do know firsthand that congestive heart failure can be treated in dogs. Molly, my other Cavalier, not only had congestive heart failure but also ruptured a major chord in her heart (something that seems to be relatively common in dogs with heart problems) and she is still here with us. This happened last summer. If you were to walk into my home right now, you would never know there was anything wrong with her. Sometimes I have to remind myself that her heart is really bad because she shows no sign of heart problems or any other health problems. Of course, all of that can change, and we have no idea how long she will continue to do well. She is on a lot of medication, but the new cardiologist we took her to last week is going to slowly lower it to see how she does. That's all I would have wanted for Allie - to get proper treatment and medication and be given a chance, but for some reason, her treatment seemed to be a 3 ring circus. We had problems in Molly care also. There was no one there to do the echocardiagram that I asked for when I first brought her in, so they tried just the regular treatments for her for the congestive heart failure and couldn't figure out why she wasn't responding. It wasn't until two days later that they actually had someone do the echo, and that's when they found she had ruptured the major chord in her heart. I told them when I brought her in that something drastic had occurred, but they apparently didn't believe me. So, we were very, very lucky with Molly that we didn't lose her also. Mary

Thank you, Georgina, for this article. You have such a wonderful gift with being able to put into words what so many of us feel. I don't know how to answer people when they ask how I'm doing. Sometimes I say I'm okay and other times I just say not very well. Either way, it's not the truth. I want to say I'm doing terribly - just going thru the motions of living, but then I know they will try to fix me by offering some well intentioned comment. In most cases, it doesn't help. I think that's why these forums are so helpful. I don't feel anyone here is trying to do that - only trying to understand and, most importantly, just listen. You're right - It is okay that we're not okay. Mary

One other thing that is slowly sinking in - when you say that your dog should not have died, that you feel the vet did not treat her properly, many people have a tendency to look at you like you just don't want to accept reality. That is true - I don't want to accept that Allie is gone. But, at this point anyway, I still feel she would still be here if she was given the proper treatment and medication. Now, after I consult with a pathologist and 2 other vets and am able to better understand the autopsy report, maybe I won't think that way. But right now, I do. I have had people say that we all feel our dogs leave us too soon. Yes, we do. One of my dogs was with us for 15 1/2 years and it was still too soon. But I knew in my heart that his quality of life was not good. It was still a difficult decision to make. I kept praying that he would just die in his sleep, but it didn't happen. Of course, after we let him go, I felt so guilty because I had made that decision, but I knew in my heart it was the right one. It's all together different with Allie and how she died. It just amazes me that people put their vets on such a high pedestal that everything they say must be correct and true. They would never think to question anything. It's just like this yearly vaccinations some vets insist on giving. People never question that and if you say to them that they might want to do some research before vaccinating their 14 year old dog with kidney disease, they look at your like you must be crazy - because their vet said the dog should get the vaccination. I have to practically put duct tape on my mouth when I sit in the waiting room of the vet's office with one of my dogs and I hear people who are checking in saying they are there for the vaccinations for their dog and here is this old dog that doesn't really need another vaccination. People are afraid to question the vet or say that they don't want the vaccination. I actually told my vet years ago before I switched my dogs there that I do not give yearly vaccines or even every 3 year vaccines because I don't believe in them and I didn't want to be pressured into giving them. Didn't mean to go off on a tangent there, but I guess I'm just fed up with some people and (many) vets. Yes, Allie was 9 (not really young for a Cavalier) and she had heart disease, and if she was being given sufficient medication for that (and now apparently from the autopsy report - pneumonia as well), maybe she would still be here with us. I don't know if it is possible that she had the pneumonia from the beginning when her breathing issues started (back around the holidays), but if so, then I truly believe she would still be here. Allie was a spunky little thing, and I don't believe she was ready to die. Mary

Hypo-critic could be more like it. I got the final report back today from Allie's autopsy. I don't understand most of it and will have to have my regular vet explain it all. But it states the cause of death as histiocytic pneumonia and congestive heart failure. I don't understand why they didn't see this on the xray taken a few days before her death. Hopefully, I will get some answers somewhere. I keep thinking this is something that she could have been treated for. I do think assertiveness training might be helpful. I truly do not understand a lot of the medical terminology and sometimes get lost when listening to these vets trying to explain things. But I am tired of feeling like I have to be the vet myself. That's what I'm paying them to do. Anyway, will be picking up the xray tomorrow to send to the pathologist I found online to get an idea of what his fee would be to go over all of this with me. The thing I don't know is if he will really be able (or, even more importantly, WILLING) to tell me if this is something they should have diagnosed and treated. I don't expect my regular vet to answer that question without a lot of hedging. Mary

Kay, I am planning on faxing a brief summary of Allie's treatment to the holistic vet when I send the final autopsy report. I'm hoping that she will talk to the cardiologist she uses about it to see if he has anything to add. Unfortunately, they already have Allie's records that my regular vet had faxed to them before I had a consultation with this holistic vet a month or so ago, so they probably include the name of the cardiologist who treated Allie. Whether that will affect his comments remains to be seen. But at this point, I'm thinking that anything either the holistic vet says or her cardiologist friend says is less likely to be influenced by a professional relationship with Allie's cardiologist - something I can't say for my regular vet. This referral business definitely gets in the way of the truth, IMO - maybe not outright lying when questioned, but when you don't have a medical background they can pull the wool over your eyes much, much easier. All I want are honest answers to my questions, so am trying to find people not connected to Allie's treatment at all to hopefully get them. I honestly think life was easier back in the old days where you trusted everything the doctor said. Maybe ignorance is bliss.... Mary

Dear Persie, Please don't feel badly for crying over the loss of Rosie. After all, she was someone you loved and cherished. I myself have tried to find other ways of dealing with my loss, but it seems that there is a roadblock no matter which way I go. I've tried a pet loss chatroom, but found it to be too busy and confusing (guess that is showing my age). I also tried calling a pet loss hotline at one of the veterinary universities, but got a recording stating they were somewhat short on counselors or something to that effect so didn't even leave a message. I found a nearby funeral home that also handles pet cremation, and they have a support group that meets every other week or so. Contacted them only to be told that the person who runs the group is out on medical leave, but they took my name and phone number for when she returns. It's difficult. It really is. Friends are starting to ask if "I'm doing better now". I know they mean well, but I kind of take that as "are you over Allie's death now". It's funny how someone on this forum could ask that and I would not take it that way because I know that they understand that you don't "get over" losing your baby. Anyway, I guess I took the long way around to just saying that everyone here understands, and if you want to post every day, we understand that, too. You have so much going on with your mom and selling your house. I'm sure not getting enough sleep isn't helping either. I hope that things settle down a bit and you are able to get some rest and maybe even a few days away with your husband. Mary

Kay - You are too kind! I don't feel like the best mom - I feel like a mom who should have done more, but didn't know what to do. Allie was not herself the night before she died. I was up half the night with her and couldn't get her to settle down. I kept thinking I needed to take her to the ER but we had been there several nights previous to that and it just ended up with us wasting a lot of money and gaining nothing. Sorry you are having some sleeping issues. Stress will definitely do that. Hope things are resolved soon. Marty - I did hear back from a veterinary pathologist that I had contacted about going over the final autopsy report with me. He was so understanding about Allie's death - kind of surprised me. Anyway, he asked me to send the final report when I get it and he will give me some idea of the cost involved. May end up being more than I am willing to spend because I don't know what the future holds for my other Cavaliers and kind of feel like the money may need to be spent there. But if it is anywhere near reasonable, I will go ahead with it. If not, I have my regular vet who will go over it with me. The pathologist that actually did the autopsy does not go over the report with you. It is very reasonably priced and so does not include that. It is up to you to find someone to go over it with you. I also have a holistic vet I had consulted with by phone, and she is going to give her opinion also. She has Cavaliers and also has a cardiologist that she knows well. So, I'm hoping she will run the report by him to get his opinion. There are very few board certified veterinary cardiologists around and so you don't know who knows who. When Lucy died suddenly last year, I contacted a cardiologist clear across the country and by mistake, faxed over paperwork that included the cardiologist's (not the same one as Allie's) name and that cardiologist right away said how good she was! On the other hand, this cardiologist that the holistic vet knows questioned why Allie wasn't on a certain medication when she happened to mention to him that she wasn't so seems to not be afraid to speak his mind, even if he doesn't agree with another vet. Not saying he was right, but at least he spoke up about it. Just hope to get some answers in the end, but doubt if I will find peace of mind. Mary

Mary, I have fed a raw diet for years and my dogs have always done well with it. I had to modify it at times to a cooked one, but always felt it was 100% better than any dry food available and probably 500% better than anything that the vet sells. I think the only one who profits from the prescription food they sell is themselves. As for the tripe, that is one of the favorites here. I buy frozen raw, but they loved the canned, too. It does smell terrible, but apparently not to them. When I had my little shih tzu with kidney disease, it saved her on more than one occasion when she didn't want to eat. Hope all goes well. I think most dogs prefer the homemade diet over any kind of dry. You might want to think about adding a probiotic. Your friend would probably be able to advise you there. Dogaware is a full of great information on diet and a lot of health related information for dogs. Mary Strauss started that website years ago and has put a lot of work into it. A lot of vets will discourage a raw or cooked diet. I know my regular vet does as do the specialists, but I am going to do what I think is best for my dogs. I had consulted by phone with an older vet who is into the raw diet. He is a regular vet but does believe in holistic type treatments also. He told me if I ever have to take my dog to the ER and they ask what I feed to tell them Science Diet! I got a good laugh out of that. He's right, too, but I can't tell a lie so I always say I feed raw. It's funny because it is almost always noted in the report of the visit I get from some of the vets. I wonder if they would bother to note it on there if I had said Science Diet. Good luck with the switchover. I don't know about cooked but when we switched to raw, they said not to mix with the dry. Better to give a few more small meals of the new food rather than mix. But that may not be the case with cooked. Are you using a crockpot? Mary

I had sent a little thank you card to the vet tech who was working the Sunday we brought Allie into ER. Allie was already gone when we got there, but I had them try to resuscitate her. I asked to see her again and after waiting a while, they led us into an examining room where Allie's body was laid out so beautifully. Then this vet tech, who we had seen there previously on other visits to the cardiologist, came in with a paw print mold she had made for us. You could tell she was so sincere and truly cared and understood. She was also the one who carried Allie's body out to the car the next morning when we were going for the autopsy. Again, you could tell she knew what we were going thru. So, I decided to send her a thank you card. That was on Monday of last week. At that point, I had heard nothing from the cardiologist but had received cards from my regular vet and two other vets that had seen Allie. On Friday, almost 3 weeks after Allie's death, I get a card from the cardiologist and her vet techs. I almost felt that it was sent in response to my card. The one vet tech who was always somewhat rude to us said how shocked she was that Allie died. This is the vet tech that I spoke to the morning after taking Allie to the ER when I told them she was going into congestive heart failure. The ER vet did an xray and said there was no change and that it was her lung disease - not congestive heart failure. This particular vet tech called the next day and I tried to tell her the same thing because Allie's respirations had gone up from one day to the next - almost a sure sign of chf. She said no, it was her lung disease. I told her the inhaler treatment that we had just started for the lung disease seemed to make Allie worse, and she said to keep giving it to her because it sometimes takes 2 weeks to work. We are still waiting for the final autopsy report, but so far it is looking like congestive heart failure. I have to call at some point to cancel my other dog's appt for next month for her checkup with the cardiologist. I hope to have some definite answers by then about Allie's death, and if it turns out to be congestive heart failure, I am going to have to say something to the effect that I don't know why this girl was so surprised at Allie's death - I told her Allie was going into chf but she wouldn't listen. If nothing else, I think they should have kept Allie there overnight in oxygen when we brought her and I blame myself for not insisting that they do. I'm having such a hard time with this loss. I feel like I'm just going thru the motions of living. Mary

Persie, I agree with Kay - I hope you are able to find time for yourself and to just relax. I know you mentioned caring for your mom but if you are able, maybe just some time reading a book or sitting outside if the weather is nice. It is important to get enough sleep, but I find that is not always easy. Mary

I'm so sorry for the loss of your two kitties. Kidney disease is such a terrible thing. With some other disease, you can at least try to "cure" them, but with kidney disease the saying is that "it always wins". I don't know why, but so many animals (cats especially) seem to end up with kidney disease. I'm sure you miss them terribly. I understand your feeling of your younger cat being cheated out of a full life. I have lost dogs at a younger age and/or after only having them with us for a short time, and it is so hard to understand the reason why they had to leave us. It doesn't seem fair. There are so many animals without a good home and here are these animals that are so loved and cared for, and yet they are taken away. I wish I could say it will get easier. I'm finding over the years that it gets harder and harder to deal with the loss of one of my animals. I can only suggest that you reach out to other people who understand, like this forum, whenever you feel the need. Mary

Today is 3 weeks for me also, and so I know how you feel. It's hard when you're so attached to them. I wish I had some wise words that would help, or even make a difference, but unfortunately, I don't. I hope you have people to talk to, but I have found that most people don't want to keep hearing about the loss after a while, even though it's hard to think of or care about anything else. If it helps, keep posting here. There are pet loss hotlines at a few of the veterinary schools, staffed by vet students who have been given some training in counseling. Might be worth considering. It sounds like you have a lot going on, so your decision to not get another dog is probably the right one for you. I do believe the saying that "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - but I also know the terrible pain I'm feeling right now also that seems to overshadow everything. Maybe the pain will lessen for you over time, but only you can decide that. Mary