jame57

Hello Heidi, You're not going crazy. If you were then this forum is full of crazy people. When I got up today I was crying so much and so wishing mum was here that it felt like I was going mad. Reading your posts reassured me I'm not going insane. I'm one of those people who need reassurance and I'm beginning to develop it internally with my inner voice but every so often I have to reach out as I just can't process it. As for your guilt, it seems it's one thing we all experience to some degree and it takes a while to think it through and it's unfounded guilt. You cared for your dear mother which is a wonderful loving thing to do. It's hard work and you must tell yourself your mum is so very grateful. I truly hope our loved ones are watching over us. It's something I gain comfort from, after all, so much love and care in a lifetime can't just be lost can it. I'm at the one year mark and still in pieces but we're all different and so is our grief. Grief is the price we pay for love and given a lifetime of love that's a fair price. I too worry that my mum is ok in heaven and would love a sign or see her in a dream. A friend of mine was visited in a dream by her mum to say she was ok.....I'd love that to happen to me. Do please keep posting, you've already helped me but that's the great thing about this forum, we're all helping one another.

Thanks Kayc, I just came back online to edit my post as it was written at a very bad moment. As luck would have it I've just been talking it through with a good friend and I'm somewhat calmer. I know I'll continue to do the grief work and someday things will hopefully be brighter but when I'm in that pit of despair things do seem bleak don't they. These last few days were especially tough but I just need to take on board this is where I am at the moment......where else would I expect to be after a major loss? I hope you're ok Kay after your 10 year anniversary.

Thank you so much for your kind replies. The day was hard of course but today I feel so scared. I never believed it would somehow get any easier once it hit 1 year but now that milestone I was dreading has passed there seems to be nothing but pain ahead. How can this ever be "acceptable" to be without my dear mum?i Sorry to be a bore but I'm just in the pits today.

So sorry for your loss Heidi. Others will be along to give you better advice than I ever could but I'll just say your loss is so very new and raw and everything you describe are classic grief symptoms. Take things one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Never worry about crying.....it's good that you're doing it as it releases your emotions. It certainly sounds as though you did so much for your mum and are a wonderful loving daughter. It's good you've got a supportive husband. Take care and know you're among friends here.

As I sit and write this it was exactly 1 year ago almost to the minute that I last saw mum in hospital. A couple of hours or so before I received the body blow that was the doctor telling me she was unlikely to survive this time. I sat with her until just gone 8.oopm and kissed her on the forehead and told her I love her, fully expecting to be back the next day. 5.30 the next morning the phone rang and it was the news mum had passed away peacefully in her sleep. Since I joined this forum earlier this year I have given you an idea how I feel and received some wonderful advice. I have wondered for some time how I would feel when the first anniversary came around and must say it's floored me. I'm calm this evening but still full of sorrow. It's one of those days when I kept thinking "a year ago today" etc. How I've survived this long I'll never know except taking it one day at a time but it's still so hard at times. I still feel pain when I think of mum and miss her so much. I often think I'll never get through this and just cannot believe I can ever think of her without getting upset. Tonight I'll try to stop feeling sorry for myself and just remember the wonderful, caring mum I was lucky enough to have and just be so very grateful. My brother and I will take flowers to her grave tomorrow and in the afternoon I will meet some good friends at church for prayers to remember her. I love you mum and we will be reunited. The family will meet up one by one in God's heaven for all eternity.

Thanks Kayc, ((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))) for today.

Thanks kayc, Sorry that it's your 10 year anniversary this Friday. You will be in my prayers. You're right about the "one day at a time approach"....it's the only way isn't it. At lunchtime I found myself crying my eyes out sat in my car and feeling that fear again that I won't ever be ok. I just said to myself "it's ok, it'll take time.....one day at a time". Whether the days building up to the anniversary are worse than the day itself I've yet to find out. I just know it's a bad time. Thanks Kayc, you're very kind.

Hello, It's fast approaching the first anniversary of mum's passing (a week this Friday) and although I've read through other posts on this topic and the excellent article on Marty's blog I just feel like I'm losing my mind at times. The thought that it was a year ago right now that my mum's health rapidly deteriorated and although I dared not think it then, that my dear mum was about to be called home, it's almost too much to take in! Where has that year gone? How am I still here? Will I really survive this hell? Although I'm lucky to have good friends their lives are so busy and I just feel so alone. This year has been hell and I know I'll always miss mum of course but how do we come through this? I realise these are questions we all ask but right now I simply can't begin to know the answer.

So very sorry for your loss MissingMom. Guilt was a huge part of my grief earlier on and still creeps back in from time to time. It takes a long time but you've come to the most supportive site on the web. I'm still seeing a counsellor and it's 1 year later this month since my mum's passing. It's been the worst year of my life without a doubt but taking it one day at a time and even 1 hour at a time when things are really bad is the way. You clearly did everything you could for your dear mom and you did that because you love her. Grief comes because of that love and being separated from them. It's your own private hell really but as ctwilki says do be kind to yourself.

Thanks Kayc, beautifully put as always. Today was a bad one filled with many tears and missing her so much. Your post lifted my spirits a bit so God bless you for that. You're very kind. I just cannot get used to being up one minute and down the next. Anxieties about silly things cropping up again etc. Wondering where my grief has gone if I have a couple of calm days etc...etc.... My irrational part of the brain has the upper hand again it seems. I've had a week off work and whilst I've done plenty of jobs on the house and garden (before the lethargy returned) I'm out of my routine which seems to keep me together. Hope things are better for you?

Today marks 11 months since you went home mum. Words simply cannot express how much I miss you and long to see you or talk to you. I know you are with dad in God's heaven and the only comfort I have is that we will be reunited forever one day. I like to think you're always with me watching over me and pray that's so. I have good friends but am so lonely without you and treasure memories of all you and dad did for us. This is the worst time of my life and as the days go by I worry you're becoming further away. I try to tell myself I'm one more day nearer our reunion but that would only worry you as I know you want me to enjoy my life. I just can't think that way yet as I'm way too sad. I love you mum and miss you so very much. Xxxx ❤

Sorry if this is an obvious one but my thinking is all over the place lately. I can't remember where I saw it but I read an article that suggested one of the reasons for experiencing waves of grief was perhaps the mind only allows it to handle as much as it can bit by bit, effectively "dosing" the grief and allowing you yo work through it as slowly as you need. I really like that theory and wpuld certainly welcome your views. I find it reassuring

Thanks Kayc, When it happened on Sunday I was so anxious for the rest of the day. I did a temporary repair but it was the last thing I needed as I was already low that morning. It wasn't targetted against me but I took it that way. I agree it's a trigger and in my emotional state it just got worse from there. I'd had a fairly good day with friends the day before too!? I'm a bit calmer now thanks. ☺

The journey of grief is bad enough but worries over part of my garden fence being vandalised just seem to increase feelings of insecurity. I guess this is pretty normal though? It just makes me mad. Sure it would be annoying without the grief but it just seems to make it all the more worrying.

Thank you both for your replies. Thanks for the link to the article Marty. That's excellent.

You will all be in my thoughts and prayers this Mother's Day. Here in the UK we had ours in March and it was the first without my dear mum. It was a hard day and I just wish you all a peaceful day to remember your mums. Just imagine her smiling down on you and being so proud of you.

Just recently I've found that the tears don't come so easily at times and yes this should be a good thing and shows I'm moving through the grief process. To try and cope with the anxiety I work in the garden but this does not stop feelings of sadness of course. I've been looking through photos and listening to music and find this brings these "bottled up" emotions to the surface and I cry freely then feel much calmer when they're through. Whilst this works I worry that it's not a healthy practice or I'm somehow making things worse in some way but my view is if the tears are there they need to come out. Any advice or opinions please?

Terry, You have my deepest sympathy. Losing your mom is awful beyond words and you have have a tough journey ahead of you. You're amongst friends here who will help you and reassure you. Others have given you much better advice than I can but do take it one day at a time. It does help and makes the future a little less daunting. I'm ten months into my grief and I have to accept it will take a long, long time. Treat yourself kindly and remember you're grieving because you love them. You always will.

Beautifully put Kayc. Thank you.

Hello Kayc and thanks for your reply. I am so glad I found this forum and I'm so grateful for all the help and reasurance. The only way I can cope is one day at a time. Mornings are usually worse as a new day of sorrow and missing her dawns. Taking one day at a time and trying to be kind to myself certainly helps. One day we shall all be reunited forever but I know mum and dad want me to be ok before then and I'll try not to let them down.

Marty, Thank you so much for your reply. You are very kind and yes it has reassured me. Today I certainly don't feel normal and was wondering if I'll ever feel ok again. Just knowing this is normal for grief certainly helps. I just wish my beloved mum had a few more years but that would be selfish of me as she wasn't at all well and was suffering so at least she's happy and with dad. I just pray that one day I'll be able to look back without this pain. Thank you once again MartyT.

After losing mum 10 months ago now I still cry every day and usually at least a couple of times a day. Is this still ok or anything to worry about? I guess I know it is as we were very close and I lived with her the majority of my 50 + years latterly as a carer. I guess I just need some reassurance please. Missing her so much.

Hello everyone, The guilt I felt after my mum passed away last June is explained on my thread. I had some very dark days at that point in my journey and it sometimes resurfaces now. One day at work I had a melt-down as I could not cope with my guilt, this despite assurances from family that I had been good with mum. I was just focussing on the negative. Luckily I had a counselling appointment after work and arrived there in a real state! After 50 minutes I felt very different and spent the evening journaling about all the positive things I had done as mum's carer. Others on this forum helped later too when these feelings came back months later. Gigi-T....I too am waiting for the hope of joy to return. Even when it does I'll always be missing mum with all my heart. Our loved ones want us to be happy and lead good lives but I'm just not there yet.....and to be honest I think it's going to take a lot, lot longer. I send you all my deepest sympathies as a fellow griever and yet a fellow member of a club I wish I never had cause to join. (((((hugs))))

Thank you so much ladies....this morning I was in a very dark place and couldn't get my thoughts together. I must remember the "ups and downs" idea and not give in to panicky feelings. I must also remember grief is not just about crying! I am so grateful to you.

I wish I really did know what to expect kayc. After my counselling session last night it seems to have reawoken old worries One of which is: I worry I don't cry enough some days and that in some way it means I'm getting through grief too fast. That grief must last 3 years like people say, so how am I doing so well! Other days I cry so much.....this is scaring me now. Sorry to bother you folks. It makes me worry. ****Update**** I panicked this morning and posted the above. I must keep in mind that a) It's ok to cry and it's ok not to cry... The fact that I may not cry and maybe enjoy something doesn't mean my grief is over but they'd be pleased to see this......C) Grief has no timetable and is full of ups and downs.