jame57

Hello, thanks for your replies. I'm trying to put it to the back of my mind and I will certainly tell her next week how it felt. Just back in from work and feeling stressed....seems there's so much to do and I tend to get anxious but I know I'm coping. I looked at my journal entry for a year ago today and I wondered then how I'd cope but here I am a year later......many of the same worries over money etc yet I'm still here! I need to be kinder to myself and say "it's fine to cry and not feel great" I am where I am in this journey. Thanks for all your help and reassurance.....this forum is my lifeline. A big hug to you all.

Hi Kayc, It was said quite plainly "hello, you've not paid your bill" and not in a pleasant tone. I'm past it now but will rethink things about continuing with them. No apology either when they saw that I had paid. No sense hanging on to the worry and will just put it down to poor judgement.

Thank you for your replies. I went to see my counsellor last night and felt nice and calm when I arrived but was a wreck when I left as the first thing they said was "you've not paid last month's bill" ( I had and later proved it). It just made me crumble and I was not calm for an hour or so. It seemed like an anxiety/panic attack but my counsellor knows my situation and has seen me for over a year so why ask like that? Do you think I over-reacted?

Hi Kayc, I've edited my post as it did appear to say my doctor thought I am clinically depressed but she assured me otherwise. I was shocked to be told it's not grief but that I was clearly ill! I know I'm not but when someone says this you begin to doubt yourself. I realise I've developed a pattern of catastrophic thinking and at least can look at reputable online help guides. It may help in that respect. I'm somewhat calmer at the moment I'm glad to say. I must get back to meditation as that helped before. Obviously it doesn't stop the pain of loss but can begin to take the edge off my anxiety. I wonder if I actually suffer from GAD as well. It might explain a lot. Thanks for your reply.

Hello dear friends, I've not posted for a while I know but it's not because things have been ok, I just seem to have lost myself again in this grief maze. I just need to know I'm not going mad (I know I've asked that before but with a combination of dark evenings, grey autumnal days and deep, deep sorrow I can't seem to claw my way out of the dark pit I've fallen into. Mum died 16 months ago and I know I've been assured that grief takes a long time and that it's ok to cry but right now I just feel I can't take it at times. I spoke to someone last night over the phone and they said "if tou're still like this after all this time you're obviously ill". I didn't react to that but afterwards became really worried that I really can't cope with things. I just can't reassure myself as I usually do that I'm doing the best I can given I was so close to mum and we gave each other reassurance when we were worried. One of the cats has been very ill and although the vets is very pleased with her, she's on meds and I'm constantly worried I'll lose her too. My brother has been marvellous and paid for the vet and although he says not to worry about the money I do as I feel such a burden on him. I must add that I still cope well with work and apart from my "catastrophic thinking" (where I assume the worst outcome for everything). The grief I thought I had come begun to get used to, that it comes in waves etc but all these other worries on top of it have crushed me. I do have calm times and try to tell myself I'm not clinically depressed (my doctor reassured me on this a couple of weeks ago). I'm not suicidal but often wish I was with mum and dad in heaven. I get lonely but only they could make that ok. Mornings, Sundays and public holidays are still by far the worst although there is some degree of crying each and every day. I try to tell myself that crying is ok and that it's good to release these emotions and that it's just the love making itself heard. I do worry that I'm letting mum and dad down and that as a grown 52-yr old I'm probably seen as pathetic by those who just don't get it but I don't care what others think. I just want them to understand. Sorry for going on and on. I'm not "fishing for pity" just some encouragement from my dear friends in grief. That it's still ok to be where I am in my journey. One thing did happen yesterday which made me feel comforted for a while before I doubted myself. I took some lovely flowers to their grave and sat and talked (and cryed) to them for quite a while. I asked them to give me a sign they were still with me (no feathers lately but did see a Robin at my brother's house). The family love cats and when I walked through the gate leaving the cemetary a black and white cat was stood next to my car. I turned to shut the gate, looked around again and it was nowhere in sight. I took that as the sign but soon began to doubt it. I even doubt myself there you see. Bless you all.

Being sick when you're on your own is worse. Such a feeling of vulnerabilty. I had a nasty stomach bug earlier this week and whilst awake in the early hours and feeling rotten thought "If something happened to me who would know?". At 52 living on my own for the first time in my life takes some getting used to!

Hello Karen, So sorry to read the news about your mum. You have come to the right place and be assured your thoughts and feelings are quite normal. The feeling of not being able to carry on is so very hard and your comment about losing your breath at the thought of living in a world without her speaks to me and every one on this forum. I'm writing this in a hurry over breakfast but I just want to say you will get lots of support and good advice. This journey is hell but you and your mum are in my prayers. I'll check back in later. Others will soon be along with much better advice. Take care of yourself.

Hi, It's been a tough week but an incident yesterday shook me up a lot. I was sat in my car at lunchtime in the sunshine listening to some Taize' music (do try it on Youtube if you're not familiar with it, it's so calming) and silently in prayer when my weekly text arrived from my bank giving me my balance. I knew I'd gone into my overdraft this month but it was rather worse than I thought and I went into a real panic and anxiety attack. Luckily I was on my own with noone about in the car park. The thoughts and feelings that stormed through my head were frightening............I'll lose the family home.............I'm useless...........I'm such a failure..........I've let them down........I really wish I was dead............. I couldn't go back to work like that but had to as I had clents to see who had problems of their own. Here in the UK we have a wonderful charity called The Samaritans (I'm not sure if they're in The States as well). I rang them and spoke for quite for quite a while to a wonderful lady. She reassured me that it was simply my grieving causing me to over react and panic and that it's ok but at the time I really felt like I wouldn't cope and that this was a nervous breakdown! I've not had one for many months but looking back I see this melt-down soon passed and it will be ok. I cannot put into words though the sheer anxiety and panic I had for 30 minutes or so and pray that it doesn't happen again for a long time. I simply must accept that grief takes many unpleasant forms. I called this post "the roller coaster" as the day before I had an amazing experience which gives me renewed hope. It was the evening and I felt sad so sat down with one of my lovely cats and shed a few tears talking to mum telling her how I missed her. When I felt better I thought I'd do some hobby work (can't always get the will to do it so this was a positive move) but noticed that several parts were missing so after a quick look around I felt disappointed and put it away. I looked in a cupboard in the corner of the spare room and unbelievable found a box with the missing parts in..........under the box was an old birthday card signed by mum! I had not looked in this cupboard for many, many months and to find one birthday card under the box of missing items was incredible. I said "thanks mum" and wondered at incredible this was.....why one card under a box and that box (one of many in various cupboards) containing the very bits I was needing? I often pray for a sign that mum and dad are still with me and watching over me and this is incredible. Sorry to ramble on so much but I just had to write this all down even if nobody reads it. I hope this doesn't sound daft but with all the pain over losing mum 15 months ago today I just had to write it down. Peace and blessings to you all.

Very true Kayc. Over here in the UK the Christmas stuff appeared on the supermarket shelves (in September!)......I'm already thinking about it again but as I found last year, the anticipation and build-up is worse than the day itself. I planned my day in advance last year and it helped. I doubt I'll go to Christmas Day service again.....too many beautiful memories. Sharirouse, I'm glad you got through the anniversary. It sure is tough and I wouldn't feel at all worried about losing it....it's the most natural feeling in the world (but that doesn't help it at the time does it.

That is so beautiful. So glad I joined. A difficult day today and this helped. Bless you.

Hello Ceili, Please be assured you're not going crazy and try not to be scared.....easier said than done though I know. You need to talk to somebody as Marty says and trust me a good therapist really will help you. As for crying.....I'm not ashamed to say I still cry every day and it's been 14 months. I used to worry about that but letting the emotion out is exactly what you need to do. No 2 people grieve the same and you own your grief. You're hurting for your dear mom and that is narural. Express your pain and don't try to push it back or keep it in......it'll only make things worse. A big virtual hug on it's way to you Ceili. My heart goes out to you too. Take care.

Hello Ceili, Trust me I know that feeling all too well but please believe me when I assure you it's normal.....but knowing that doesn't make it any easier does it. I'm a 52 year old guy and grief turns me into a frightened child at times too but then I think it does that to most people. Your grief journey will be full of ups and downs like a cruel dark roller-coaster. Kayc once described it as a long dark tunnel where you are immersed in darkness only to eventually see a tiny light that gets closer and closer. It will take a long time, longer than many people who've never made the journey think but you will get there. Wishing you peace.

Ceili, As you see from the other replies (especially that wonderful link from Marty) thoughts of not wanting to go on are entirely normal but at the same time so very scary. I'll be honest and say I still get those moments when I think "what's the point" but usually they are very brief and when things really get on top of me. You are going through possibly the worst time of your life and it's your own private hell unique to you and unlike anybody else's grief. It's now when the enormity of what's happened really sinks in and takes hold. You are amongst friends here though. Please keep reading other's threads and voicing your worries. I find comfort in believing our loved ones are with us....so much love just can't disappear just like that. Take care.

So sorry for your loss Ceili. If it's any help I'm struggling after 14 months but it's not always so. At 6 months I was in a very bad state and my history of depression didn't help. If you read any of my threads you'll see I was my mum's carer for years whilst working full time but I would do it all again in an instance. Be patient and be kind to yourself. Depression is natural when grieving but it's a reactive depression not a clinical one. You're where you're meant to be at 6 months following the loss of your mother and best friend. I'm only just beginning to take a little interest in other things but didn't think I ever would. Please be kinder to yourself and know it takes more time than you think to take it all on board.

Don't worry about being negative, you're grieving. I'd treasure a voicemail from my mum and if anybody has video of their lost loved one I'm so envious. I wish I'd taken more photographs. I too would do anything to hear my mum's voice. I find if I try too hard it's difficult to remember it but if I relax and just think of random things I can usually remember how she sounded. She is always with you though.......that's something I rely on.

Thank you both for your kind replies. I guess living on my own for the first time in my life makes it that much harder. As I said, the mornings are awful as I get anxious over another day of coping. Sometimes it's still so raw and just taking in that I'm an "adult orphan" is so unbelievably hard. I often sit and hold her photo and remember my wonderful loving mum. I know I should be grateful for the tears as they let the emotion out and I usually feel calmer afterwards. As for the hobbies, I know it's daft but I sometimes feel a little guilty for trying to maintain normality by doing the things I used to. But then again it could just be I haven't got the energy or patience yet. My whole world fell apart when mum passed away and I must remember it will take a lot of time to rebuild one agonising day at a time. Many thanks once again.

A dear friend told me a few months back that may bereaved feel worse when the second year arrives. Some excellent web resources also mention this. Once the one year anniversary of mum's passing went by an awful feeling seemed to dawn on me that this was my life now and having got through a year of anniversaries it really was the case that she had gone from this life. I didn't expect that somehow it would ease after 12 months but reaching and getting through that barrier was so daunting that I hadn't prepared myself for the months and years ahead (if indeed one can). I have put off writing this piece for a week now as I wanted to see if my feelings would change but they haven't so here goes: I still cry a few times every day and this concerns me a lot. My close friends say don't worry, it's natural as I lived with my mum for the vast majority of my 51 years and was her carer for the last 7. I was very close to her and this pain, missing her so much is awful at times. I distract myself with work and try to socialise but the mornings when I get up to an empty house and get home to an empty house are awful. I experience anxiety when waking up and this gets worse at weekends, especially Sundays when the day seems to consist of going to church and merely existing. I can't get interested in my hobbies much and these were such a help during my caring years as I could be myself and lose myself in them. This wonderful forum has been a huge source of encouragement which is just as well because I have little or no way of reassuring myself that this is all normal in grief. My mum was my rock after dad died and then my marriage failed and I just don't know how I can ever get through this. I know it all takes more time than we imagine but I guess I'm just exhausted from being in this nightmare for so long. How I long to see mum and dad again! Forgive me for rambling on but I've been bottling this fear up for weeks now and feel like I'm somehow failing in grieving (yes my self esteem has left town too). I see a counsellor once a week but just feel she doesn't get me and my total inability to reassure myself any more. She says I'm doing ok but why do I worry so much? I read other people's posts on the forum and feel such sympathy and I offer what assurance I can but just can't reassure myself that I'm where I'm expected to be or that I'm doing ok. I seem to beat myself up at every opportunity.

Cleo, So sorry for your sad loss. You are certainly not alone here. It truly is a nightmare to lose your mum. Kayc, Sending you a hug as you reach the one year mark from your dear mum's passing. You are always here to offer support and caring advice to those in need. You are in my prayers.

I simply don't know what to say that could possibly ease your pain and I'm horrified at what has happened. The pain of losing a beloved mum is something many of us on this forum are only too familiar with but for her to be treated like that breaks my heart. I can at least assure you there is nothing wrong with you. You are still in a state of shock no doubt and the exceptional circumstances of her passing (which is traumatic enough) would leave any body justifiably angry. As for the sense of disbelief.....be kind to yourself, it's a long journey ahead but you're amongst people who really care on this forum. Take it one hour at a time if you have to, I'll pray for you and your dear mum.

A week ago I visited mum and dad's grave and took some flowers for them. It's always a very emotional moment and this was no exception. I spent quite a while there talking to them and crying, telling them how much I love and miss them. I walked back to my car, got in and rested my head on the steering wheel crying like a small child (for that is how I feel). When I looked up, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye and there, on the ground was a fluffy, pure white feather. I got out and picked it up. Last night I woke up in the early hours after hearing mum clearly call my name. This hasn't happened for a while and I used to imagine it when she was still alive as she used to call me in the night. I wasn't scared, but felt she was letting me know she is with me. This second year of grief is in some ways harder than the first and the last 2 weeks have been especially hard but hearing her voice was something special. All my love mum, miss you so very much xx

It's well over a year now since we lost mum and the days are still tough, some more than others but also at times a sense of disbelief. I miss her so very much and (this will sound mad) the thought of not grieving in the future sounds almost disrespectful. It's as though actively grieving makes me feel closer and maintaining a connection. I've started to write this several times and deleted it as it may sound crazy but finally posted it. I seem to be clutching at any connection to keep her close to me. I know she wouldn't want me to be doing this and as I write the years are flowing but I miss her so much and it is still so hard without her here.

I am certain humans don't credit animals with enough intelligence for they demonstrate loyalty, love and affection in abundance. If I sit in my recliner chair and have a cry my lovely girl cat, Tilly will often jump up on the chair arm. Animals have more soul than many humans I know.

Wow. This really speaks to me. So very powerful and brutally honest. It really sums up the sheer horror of grief so well.

Hello Mia, Sorry but just noticed your thread and just wanted to offer my sincere sympathy. I dread the time when my fur babies have to leave this life but as others have said you will indeed be reunited. It's obvious from what you've written that you gave your cat so much love and a wonderful loving home. Spooky was so fortunate to have you as his mum. I will pray for you both.

Anne, The videos are simply wonderful and very moving. They speak of immense love and loss and had me in tears. My own grief for the loss of my mother just over a year ago is still raw but thanks to this forum I gain inspiration and comfort for this lonely journey. Whilst my own marriage failed 7 years ago I can't contemplate another relationship since mum died. The thought of the pain of possibly losing someone else in the future is too awful. Besides I don't think I could ever love anyone again.