jame57

As you may have read on another thread I had a really bad couple of days but amongst it all something comforting happened. I went out for a drive in the country for a change of scenery and found myself driving near the cemetary where mum and dad are. On the spur of the moment I called in. I sat by their grave and burst into tears telling them how I missed them etc. I then walked over to a bench seat and sat down in the sun and wept some more. Then a butterfly flew right past me and I thought "that's nice" but thought it to be too random to be a sign. I then went back to the grave and was about to kneel down when the butterfly flew past me again straight over the grave! I then noticed something in the grass by the memorial......a small, fluffy pure-white feather! I couldn't believe it! I said "you ARE with me" and wept and wept but with a feeling of comfort. I just had to share that with you. Be patient and it will happen. I can't wait for another one but still live in hope of a dream.

Thank you Kayc. 24 hours later I'm still stressed out by it all and how I don't feel I'm coping. I'll try and relax and maybe do some meditation later this evening. It's just like it was 6 months ago with all the anxiety but must think of the "3 steps forward and 2 back" idea. I worry I'm getting worse but there are a couple of stressy things going on in my life (other than grief) so am probably worn out. I always was a bit stressy so I'm bound to notice it more nowadays. Thanks once again.

You have my sincere sympathy for your loss. As you may have read from other threads the guilt comes whether it's warranted or not but from what you've said it's certainly not your fault. That may not stop you from thinking it is but it is so important you talk it through with somebody. Marty has posted links elsewhere that will take you really good articles on guilt in grief. You followed the advice of professionals and did what you did out of love for your mum.

Today a wave of grief has hit me with an intensity I've not seen in weeks. So many tears shed today and as I write this the feeling of anxiety won't go away and I've thought to myself "what's the point in life now" a couple of times which just compounds the anxiety. I'm scared and my self-esteem is so low as I'm crying each day still. I just cannot believe I'll ever be ok again. It's been over a year yet it still feels so raw at times! Sorry but I could sure do with some reassurance I'm not losing it.

Heida, I am still in the same place as you, not believing my mum has gone. Thinking "but my mum would never leave us".... Keep talking to her though Heidi and believe she can hear you through the veil. If it were not for this I doubt I could carry on. A massive wave of grief and despair has hit me today and although I know it should pass it has taken me to such a low (the worst for a long time) and I feel hopeless. When you're in that moment though it is hell. I'll pray for you Heidi, for all mums and dads that are now in heaven and all those suffering from their loss.

So sorry for your loss Meg. I know the unbelievable pain of losing your mum but as raw and awful and hopeless it seems you will eventually find peace. It just takes time, more time than you (or your family and friends) think. If you have support don't be afraid to use it. Take one day at a time and on really bad days take it an hour at a time. Be kind to yourself and don't overdo things. These things I have learnt from my counsellor and the many kind people on this forum. Take time to read earlier posts and don't forget you will be reunited. A year later and I'm still so very sad at times but ever so gradually I know I'm processing things and so will you. This "grief work" and the loneliness is the hardest work I've ever done yet, hard as it is, if I was given my life over again and knew that after so much love comes so much pain......I'd do it all over. As someone once said "grief is the price we pay for love".

Hello Heidi, I must admit I'm still struggling too and get upset as my memories of mum still focus on the final couple of weeks of her life. The days just float by for me too and before long another week has gone by....then a month...and yet I wonder how with this pain can time keep going. Glad you're getting out of the house though Heidi. You are in my prayers.

Hi Cujosgirl15, Just got to say I found your post reassuring and it strengthens my belief that our loved ones don't leave us. So very sorry for your loss though and I pray you find continued comfort from your connection. Thank you for sharing this with us. It certainly helped me. I worry like Heidi does that they're ok.

Thank you so much Gigi. For your thoughts and prayers and also for the wonderful Proust quote. It's beautiful☺.I'm going to print that out and pin it on my board.

God bless you both for your kind words. I spent a big part of yesterday with friends and despite my worries the day was quite calm and pleasant. The sadness returned when I got home to an empty house (apart from the cats) but the evening was calm. Today I awoke to the new reality once again that life has changed but thete's nothing new in that.....it's the same each morning. I don't like it one little bit but that's where I am at least for now. One day at a time. Thanks for your replies and support.

Today marks one year since mum's funeral. I'll never forget seeing the hearse draw up outside the house and seeing her coffin for the first time, I wanted to touch it or kiss it but I didn't get the chance. How I wish I had! At the graveside the funeral director offered me the jar of earth and I took some to gently drop into the grave. When I did I said openly "I love you so much mum". A year later and I often wish I'd died that day so I could be buried with her. Don't worry, I won't harm myself but I just feel like I'm existing as my real life finished when mum died. I'm glad I have a counselling appointment on Monday and my friends on this forum. If I could ask you to pray for mum and assure her of my undying love I'd be grateful. Many thanks.

Hello Heidi, It's good to hear from you. I don't envy you your heartbreaking task of sorting through your mum's things. When my mum died my brother kindly cleared her clothes out and put most of her other belongings in the attic. A year later it's still there. I can't face throwing any of her stuff out. I totally agree it's so hard living without someone you love so much and was (and in another way, still is) part of your everyday life. Sorry you're struggling to get through each day...taking it a day at a time is all you can do Heidi. I'll pray for you too. Take care now.

Hi Smudgie, I love Bath and have some good friends there. I particularly like the area around Monkton Combe and Midford....such lovely scenery. I'll never leave here though, so many memories of better times. I'm so glad you're writing poetry and expressing yourself. I still can't summon up the interest to do my hobbies but it will come in time. Keep sharing your poetry though please as it's really good and as you see, much appreciated.

Thank you once again Kayc. This roller coaster journey of mine is rather bumpy at the moment. A well-meaning work colleague today remarked "it's all about moving on".... thankfully I expect such advice now but just ignore it or say "if only it were like that". We know the truth.....even if it's hard to take on board at times. Hope you're ok?

After mum died a year ago I started seeing a counsellor 6 weeks later. Initially this was free but since February I pay a small amount for weekly sessions. I'm finding it really helps but have started worrying there must be something really wrong with me if I'm still having to see them. I know I'm in a mess emotionally and finding things tough still but is it unusual to still need counselling at this stage? Apart from the counsellor and this forum I'm going through this hell alone.

That's beautiful Smudgie.

I still find myself making silly errors and forgetting things even now 12 months on. I foolishly thought the cognotive impacts were confined to the initial weeks or months.....how wrong was I. It lasts a whole lot longer, all part of grief. What a wonderful dream Lightdancer...incredible.

Thank you Marj37. I am blessed with fields and trees outside the office and I take a lunchtime walk most days to just have some "me" time and talk to mum and shed a few tears (sometimes loads) but it's my safety valve and whilst at times I worry I cry so much I know it's because I just love and miss my mum so much. The cat (Tilly) seems to be a bit better thanks....just have to keep praying.

Thank you so much friends. I do feel calmer now thanks after busying myself in the day, enjoying the sunshine and visiting my brother. Suitearia, I must try and get that book! Thanks for including that excerpt too.....very positive. Kay, That really makes sense. Science can't explain everything and you are so right when you say we already have faith in things unseen. Thank you both for enabling me to see this. I will endeavour to look for the signs and appreciate them more ☺

I've read this thread several times and I identify with it so much. I often wonder how I can ever enjoy things again and worry that if I "let go" I'll be leaving mum behind. Of course she wants me to be happy and enjoy life, what loving mother wouldn't and I know she worried how I'd cope when she passed. We were very close and we were there to reassure one another (I've a history of depression). I need to try and be kind to myself and realise it will all take time, more time than some friends think. I can't contemplate letting go of mum, ever but in time wil try tol let go of the pain and loneliness.

Thanks. I've kept the feather as a keepsake. I so want to believe it's a sign but today I just feel I am deluding myself. Just feel very low and hopeless about everything. I'll call in at church in a moment to pray. Hopefully I'll feel more at peace later on.

Today has been a very stressful day with not only my grief to contend with but worry over one of my cats which is ill. At lunchtime I went for a walk through the fields near my office. To be alone and get in touch with my emotions. I sat under a tree in the shade and wept, talking to my late mother and praying for calm. I stood up and there on the ground in front of me was a pure white fluffy feather. I'd read about such things being a sign that an angel was with me and I wept again at the thought, this time with gratitude and hope.

So sorry for your loss Copperpot. He looks such a lovely happy dog and he was so lucky to have someone like you to love and love him back. That love will never end or be forgotten by either you or Chester Please ignore those who tell you to move on. It's your grief and we all grieve in our own way for as long as we need to. Close your eyes and in the silence he's right there with you.

Thank you Gigi-T. I felt I needed to share a photo of my dear mum. She was such a kind lady and I miss her so much. That cab driver was so very kind to you, I'm pleased he was there for you on such a difficult day.

Hello Heidi, That's truly heartbreaking to read. Your mum's passing is so unfair but your love and devotion for her shines through. I believe our loved ones are always with us and your mum would want you to know she loves you. May her gentle soul rest in peace. Please take care.