jame57

Jeffrey, So very sorry for your loss. As others have said you're among friends here. You are in my prayers.

Beautiful, simply beautiful. Thank you.

Thanks ctwilki, My weekend wasn't too bad and I did some gardening in short spells. Plenty of tears too but I know that's ok. I do try to forgive myself for the lethargic days and try to do things later in the day when I feel calmer.

Hi Gigi-T, Sorry to read you're feeling really down again. There are certainly a lot of scammers out there just looking for somebody who is at a low point. It's awful that they prey on those facing huge difficulties. I think you're brave to have tried them. I can emphasise with your lack of interest in hobbies etc and it's something that worries me but my counsellor assures me is normal. You've suffered an enormous loss and you've been knocked sideways so it's no surprise that what once gave you pleasure seems so insignificant and pointless. I'm back in that frame of mind after restarting one of my hobbies before Christmas. I tend to think I've not lost interest but simply can't be bothered to make an effort. I too find difficulty doing things or watching TV programmes that I once did with mum and even today was driving in the country in beautifil sunshine but feeling so very sad that mum could no longer do so. To counteract this I try to think she's always with me but it's not the same. One of the others will give you better advice than me but I just want you to know you're not alone with those thoughts. Try to believe your dad is always with you. Best wishes.

Ctwilki, Church can sometimes be hard for me too. Ever since mum's funeral when it comes to prayers and one is said for the bereaved I start to get a tear. At Easter service one of the Hymns was last sung by me at her funeral....I hardly sang much of that one. I think you're doing as much as you can especially as your son sang in the choir. Just like you find it difficult to see young children and their parents I sometimes see ladies older than my mum, still walking a fair distance to church. I think it's great they can still get about at 92 years of age but why did my mum have to die at 85! Life though isn't fair and we are left behind with our memories and pain. I just get some comfort from knowing we will be reunited.

Thanks Kayc. Marty has the gift of putting up just the right link to some wonderful articles. I'm just glad it's the weekend. I probably won't do much (just feel lethargic) but I'll be kind to myself and just think of it as 'me' time. I may even summon the energy to do a bit of gardening! But I'm often planning stuff in my calmer moments only to abandon them the next day. I won't beat myself up though.

Hi, Thanks for your reply. I too get really upset when I hear of other's being unkind to their parents. I agree, it certainly makes you more appreciative of others. In truth though, I seem to fear my days getting brighter as it seems I'm moving away from mum. It's daft I know but Marty posted a link in reply to my main thread and it's made me realise I'm not alone with this fear. Today I've hardly cried and it worries me! I guess it's all part of the chaos that is grief.

Thank you Kayc & MartyT and God bless you both for your wise words. There's no doubt yesterday was truly awful and I did have a calmer evening, much of it spent in meditation. Back at work today and a stressy day but I found myself thinking 'this is work and today's stresses are today's....I have more important things on my mind'. Thanks for the link Marty, loads of useful info to keep. Yesterday was full of anxiety and today was too (but less so later on)...tomorrow is another day. Many thanks once again ((((hugs)))).

Most days are rough in this 9 month journey but today I feel like I did almost back at the beginning. An awful sense of being scared and panicky, just wishing for the day to be over and the relative calm of evening to come. At the same time wondering if I will be calmer in the evening.....despite nearly always feeling more relaxed other evenings. It's like I'm back at an earlier stage of grief when anxiety ruled my days. It's a public holiday here in the UK so maybe 4 days off by myself with little enthusiasm to do much has set me back. Does this sound normal?

Hi, What a day it's been so far. Hardly stopped crying since I got up and almost feel like I'm back at the start after 9 months. Missing mum so much today and feeling so very sad. I just keep trying to say to myself "it's ok, accept where you are in your journey, you're grieving for the most important person in your life and it'll take a long time". I feel I want to go to the top of a hill and shout "I love you mum, I hope you can hear me"......I might just do that. Half of me went when she passed away, the sweetest soul and always there for me through good times and bad.

Today marked exactly 9 months since mum passed away. I'd always dreaded something happening to her as a child and later on, seeing old age and illness gradually take it's hold I again dreaded her inevitable passing. Nothing could prepare me however for the indescribable pain and sheer sense of loss once it happened and I can't believe 9 months have passed since that phone call early in the morning. I had to work today so couldn't mark it in any way except to put a note on this wonderful forum. Not to encourage comforting replies but to say thanks. I'd been reading posts long before I joined. I miss mum so much and will always love her dearly. One day we will be reunited.

Thank you Gigi-T. May God grant you strength and peace too. ((((((hugs)))))) to you and all on this forum.

Hello ctwilki, So sorry to read of your sad loss. You have my deepest sympathies. As others have said you are amongst friends here who will support you. People who've not experienced the pain of grief have no idea do they. You certainly discover who your true friends are too. I pray you find some degree of comfort and understanding in these pages. I certainly have.

Thanks Kayc, The news has set me back and I feel like I did earlier on in my grief journey. I feel my anxiety has gone up and I'm really on edge. I'll try to be kind to myself and accept this is where I am in the journey and that I will in time find joy again. Thanks for the hugs too.

Well, as if things couldn't get any worse. Took one of my lovely cats to the vet and after being tested, was diagnosed with kidney disease. It's in the early stages and with treatment she should have approx18 months. I'm really struggling today. She's 17 and as well as being the most good-natured and beautiful companion, is a link to mum (who she used to sit with all day) and dad who passed away 14 years ago. I know we all have a time but why does it all come at once! Everyone I love is leaving me it seems. Sorry to post this message but so unbelievably low today.

3 months is certainly no time at all Gigi-T. You're right, no one else can replace our loved ones and working through this will be the hardest work we've ever done. Thanks to this forum we're doing this together though.

Thanks Kayc. Today was a rather emotional day and your kind words made me feel normal again. I spoke to my brother on the phone tonight and told him how I was but he replied "it's almost 9 months". I asked him did he really think I would be over it in 9 months? I wasn't nasty but told him again that it's going to take a long time to get used to. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and as I said to him, we all deal with it in our unique way but it did shock me a bit....I was always more emotional. Thanks once again Kayc.

Mother's Day was a tough day but I took some lovely flowers to the cemetary for her. It's still hard to think she's not coming back and I cry every day, a few times a day. I saw my counsellor on Monday and she assures me that given I was so close to mum and lived with her the vast majority of my 52 years then the 9 months since she passed away is no time at all. This makes sense and I know it'll be a long haul. Just wish she was still here! This is so hard and I just miss her so much.

Thanks Kayc. I need to accept the slightly better days. I think when I first noticed one a while ago I subconciously thought the grief was over! .....how daft I was. Grief is certainly far more complicated than I imagined. One website summed it up perfectly "you have to go about your life, shopping, work, taking the kids to school....all the while feeling as though your insides have been through a blender".

Thanks Kayc, I was in a state this morning and have spent most of the day either driving or chatting to friends. Had a few moments of being teary-eyed whilst driving as I saw things that reminded me of happier days but that's no problem and is to be expected of course. I need to appreciate that whilst my grief is still in it's early days there will be days when things may seem better....why I find these marginally better days scary is beyond me. I have my next appointment with my counsellor on Monday so will probably have a chat about this then. The help I get from you wonderful people on this forum is so helpful and I really appreciate it. Thanks ♡.

Thanks for the kind replies. Today so far I have cried so much and agonised over my past moments of sometimes not having enough patience when caring for mum. I even thought I deserved this agony. I need to take on board that this roller coaster is normal and maybe this confusion itself is normal? As for the impatience....now I'm calm I know I did what I could and mum knew my stresses. They say a mum knows their children better than they know themselves. I pray she really did know I love her. I would often tell her I wasn't upset with her but the rotten luck of her condition.

Instead of posting this on my thread in the 'loss of a parent' section I thought I'd start one here as it may have happened to others. I'm only too aware of what a roller-coaster of emotions grief is but something about mine is causing me lots of worry. When I'm having a bad day (which is most days) I feel terrible with bouts of crying and generally feeling anxious, wondering how I will ever get over this but accepting that grief can take years. A couple of times I've found days when the tears don't come so easily and I worry! It's so unsettling and I know I should be grateful but it's really getting to me. Is it subconcious guilt? I recall reading on a grief website a while ago "you'll cry many tears and worry when you don't".....this seems to be the case with me.

Yes it was quite by chance she'd called into the church to collect something and saw me. Maybe it was just meant to happen....all I know is her presence helped a lot. Back to work today and colleagues kept asking "did you have a great birthday"? I simply said "yes thanks, it was ok"....It was easier than telling them the truth.

Yesterday was certainly sad. My first birthday without mum but I went to the cemetary and put some nice flowers on mum & dad's grave. I always talk to them, I just miss them both but losing mum is still so raw. I called in to the church afterwards and prayed for them. I was crying so much and a friend from church walked in and sat with me. We talked and she prayed for me. It was so nice of her to do that. The loneliness of this journey is so hard at times and whilst I can be among people at work it is still lonely and to talk with somebody who understands how I feel and that it takes time was so comforting.

Hi Gigi-T, I've just been reading through your thread again to catch up and it echoes my experience in so many ways. I saw a therapist up until a couple of years ago to help with low self-esteem and depression.....something that doesn't help when grieving. My mum very kindly paid for most of the sessions too bless her. It helped at the time though but the first sessions were awkward and I doubted it could help. I'm glad I stuck with it though as it certainly did. She said I should nurture my inner child too.