jame57

Hi Gigi-T, Thank you for your reply. So sorry you're going through such pain too. When I'm calm I can see that our grief is a sign of love but when I'm down in depths of despair it all seems so scary. I do hope the new therapist can help you. It's my birthday in a coupke of days but I just don't want to know as it's the first one that will be spent without mum. I've got the day off so will spend some time at her grave.....at least that way I can include her in my day by being with her. It'll be a sad day though but nothing compared to this coming Sunday....it's Mother's Day over here in the UK and there's a special service at my church. I shall sit at the back as I'm bound to cry.

Thanks Kayc.

Thank you once again. It's been a real roller-coaster and I must get it into my head that after 51 years of her being here it's going to take a long time before I'm anywhere near the person I used to be....I've changed and I must accept where I am in my journey. My counsellor says I'm doing well and not to beat myself up and expect too much...mum and dad helped me through some very rough times and I'm eternally grateful for having such wonderful parents.....I will always miss them of course but hope that in time, the pain will ease. People keep telling me "she wouldn't want you to grieve like this" but I just ignore them.

Thank you for you very kind replies. Thank you MartyT for the link to that article on guilt. I have just bought a copy of the book by Alan Wolfelt it mentions and I look forward to reading it. The last few days have been especially difficult and have cried an awful lot. I was very close to mum and lived with her most of my life (51 years) so I suppose it's still ok to feel so raw after 8 1/2 months? Miss her so much and the mornings are still bad with anxiety etc. I don't have an appointment with my counsellor for over a week and would welcome some reassurance that I'm not going crazy. Thanks for reading this.

Smudgie, Your poetry is very good but The first one from last June is so powerful it had me in tears. So very sad but oh so true. Keep writing and sharing them on here please. You have a gift.

So very sorry for the loss of your mum. I feel your pain in your post and can only empathise as I lost my mum last June and it's hard. Treat yourself kindly.

Hi, One thing that worries me in my grief journey is that I'm having trouble remembering the days before mum became ill. My main memory is of her last few days and I so want to remember happier times but it's hard. I'm told it's because I'm trying too hard, that the memories will come back in time and it's normal to be like this. I really hope so! Is this normal? I so want to remember her being happy and enjoying life with her family. I miss you so much mum xxx.

Thank you Kay. I too like to believe our loved ones can hear us and are watching over us. It's the only thing that holds me together. That and the fact we will be reunited.

You are in my thoughts too Kay.

Thanks for your kind replies. I sometimes wonder how I've got through the last 8 months except that it's been one day at a time. There were times whilst caring for mum that I was impatient and snappy with but I'd apologise and tell her it wasn't her I was angry with but often the sheer unfairness that such a lovely lady had been unable to be as active as she once was. I feel so bad that I was snappy with her at times and just want her to know I love her and always will. She was there for me when times were rough and pray she knew how much I love her. I know I did nice things for her and kept in touch when I was away for work but all I think about are the bad times. The day before she died I visited her in hospital in the afternoon and was told she didn't have long....this shook me to the core and I stayed with her even though she was drifting in and out. When I left I got home and immediately drove back for the evening visiting period. When I got there she was awake but drowsy and I spent the evening holding her hand and quietly talking to her. She was drowsy and repeating herself but I patiently sat there until visiting hours were over. I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her but she was so drowsy I wondered if she heard me but she did mumble something. A friend who's a nurse tells me the hearing is one of the last things to go so that gives me hope she heard me. I got a phone call at 5.30 the next morning and I knew what that was.....the worst news I've ever had. My lovely mum had passed away and my world was forever changed for the worse. How I wish I'd defied the doctors and insisted on staying with her but I'm assured she passed peacefully in her sleep.

It's coming up to 8 months since my dear mum passed away and it's been my worst nightmare come true. I've not posted here before but have read many posts on the subject of parent loss and can only echo the pain felt by many. I was always close to mum as after my marriage failed I returned to the family home to put my life back together. Her health took a turn for the worse and decided that as well as working full-time I would be around to care for her. Eventually she got worse and it was only my living there that prevented her going into a home. She hated the idea of that as she was as bright and mentally fit as anybody but trapped in a failing body. I'd always promised her that there was no way on this earth that she would be put into a home against her will so we arranged for carers to come in 4 times a day to look after her personal care. It involved changing the house around but it was worth it. She loved her carers and regarded them as a kind of extended family. She was such a kind and loving person and was there for me many years ago when I had depression. Her death hit me like a freight train and 8 months later miss her so much. I realise grief takes a long time but nothing could prepare me to the depths it has taken me to and although things are a bit better some days I am certainly not the happy person I was before. My friends worry about me as I just cannot smile or joke around as I once did. I even feel guilty (I know it's daft) when I have slightly better days. I am going through counselling at the moment which has been a great help and I'm assured I'm not losing my mind, although it sure feels like it sometimes! I'm told I have survivors guilt and that I am possibly grieving for my father too who passed away 14 years ago. I know I wasn't like this then although it was a bad time. Sorry if this has rambled a bit but having finally plucked up the courage to post it It's all come pouring out.