mittam99

I've had Tammy appear in dreams from time to time but the moment is fleeting. She's there for a short while and then I can't find her. The thing is, these are just that... dreams. I know some are disappointed they haven't had their loved ones in their dreams. Two points to remember. One, we often don't remember all of our dreams so you may be seeing them in your dreams and not remembering. Two, there's no reason to feel you're subconsciously "forgetting them" somehow if they don't appear in your dreams. What we really want is to be able to go back in time and somehow prevent their death and live happily ever after. Now that would be an amazing dream.

Robin, I'm so sorry this news has you feeling so devastated. Fentanyl is a very powerful and very addictive drug. I'll never forget the time Tammy was in the hospital and rehabbing for many months after a major surgery. The doctors had her on a Fentanyl patch for the pain. When she was released to go home, prescriptions were written for many drugs and pain killers but not the Fentanyl patch. One day after being home, Tammy became confused. She didn't know where she was or what year it was. She didn't know exactly who I was. I called a physician and found out that you never were supposed to go cold turkey on the Fenanyl patch but the rehab doctors never told us that. Tammy was suffering severe withdrawal symptoms. That was a very scary day I will never forget. I don't know a lot about addiction to drugs but they do often become an overwhelming force in people's lives. I certainly don't think your Kevin "chose" the drugs over you and your family. I don't think he was taking drugs because he didn't love you. The drugs sadly, began to rule and control his life. Yes, he made a choice to take the drugs but I'm sure he never meant to cause you and your family the pain you now feel. You have come so far in you grief journey. I've seen the change in you since you joined here. Yes, this feels like a huge, devastating step back. Maybe it has taken you all the way back to the day Kevin died. But, I know you and I know you will face the rest of today and all your tomorrows with the same positive spirit you've already shown. As always, it's just a moment to moment life we now live. This moment hurts and has rocked you to your core. You will bounce back from this. You will take those baby steps again. And we will always be here to help you along the way. Hugs, Mitch.

Steve, thanks for your post. As an aside, looks like your next one is the big number 1,000! As you said I do try to help others because it's something that gives me some pleasure. And no doubt you've helped many people here at the forum as well with your wise words of wisdom and encouragement.

I work with the public and I see many couples in their eighties and nineties. I don't resent them, but it does make you question many things, like why did Tammy die so young? Daughter Katie had left to live and attend school in Illinois in June 2014. Finally, it was time for just me and Tammy, alone. It was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, Tammy's health at that point wasn't good. We only had nine months more together. The hurt these days is often way too much to bear.

That was a lovely way to celebrate his birthday. As far as the anniversary, it's a personal thing. If you feel up to doing something special, certainly do so. For some, it's so hard just getting through that day and reflecting on things. It just boils down to doing what feels right for you.

Robin, in my life after Tammy's death, it feels like in some areas, I've "become" Tammy. She is so ingrained in me, heart and soul. I so want her spirit and her essence to live on. Live on through me. I have the feeling, in time, Kevin's voice will come to you and he will be so proud of you speaking up and standing up for yourself and your family. Hugs.

Robin, I need to paraphrase that famous philosopher, Forrest Gump. This life of grief is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Each day, each moment, we seem to be struggling to find our way. No matter what, there's always that intense sadness waiting to find a moment to overwhelm us. Just as last night was intensely hard for you, today you feel a sense of light, maybe even some sense of comfort. It's the unending ebb and flow of grief. In a way, I envy those that have their children and their grandchildren to have and hold. It's a real blessing. My new world is a lonely and bleak one, devoid of love and affection. Tammy was all I had. But, at least I had the undying love of a wonderful woman and I will carry that love inside me until the time comes for me and my darling bride to reunite. Mitch

It's the hardest thing any of us have faced, this life without our soul mate. All we can do is face each day with the same courage that our beloved did. We're a work in progress and none of us know where things will ultimately lead. I totally get those pangs when you see men of similar age to Ron. Those feelings you have of "resentment" are totally understandable. Ron should still be here! And in a way he is. He's forever inside you, heart and soul. I know tomorrow will be another hard day and I'll be thinking of you. That is an awesome mixer, Patty. So bittersweet, I know.

Marg, I think the bubbling just beneath the surface phrase I came up with is pretty apt for all emotions in grief. It's as if the death of our loved one has put every single feeling and emotion inside us on "high alert". And these emotions that used to be much more controlled have now bubbled close to the surface and can/will explode at ANY time. And usually when you least expect it.

The sadness bubbling right below the surface is a given for all of us. We are forever changed by the events that occurred on the day our beloved died. It's the other feelings, thoughts and emotions that seem to differ from individual to individual. For example, I've gone through much guilt relating to Tammy's death. Wondering why and if I did everything perfectly. Beating myself up at times. I wonder if this is due to my being a perfectionist and worrying about every last detail. Some never feel a sense of guilt. Others, like Maryann mentioned, have anger burst to the surface. Some don't. It seems to me that grief triggers not just the sadness but so many other emotions that are already bottled up inside us and it exacerbates them. Everyone's personality is different and so are their emotional reactions in grief. In other words, grief changes us in many ways but ultimately we are who we are. Just a sadder version.

Gin, I know those moments when you have to tell someone Al died are so very hard. Sometimes, it will turn a "good day" into a miserable one. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

Polly I've come to realize that the pain will be right below the surface for the rest of our lives. Our love and our connection was that deep to our soul mate. I think in time you'll see that although the triggers are always there (and the tears will come easily), you will "recover" from them more quickly. I find myself bursting out in tears, and then, minutes later, it's back to "regular programming" so to speak. But, I'm 18 months in. A year ago, I'd be a wreck all day.

That ever present pain that bubbles right beneath the surface... I got home from work today, tired as always and took my little afternoon nap. As I awoke from my slumber, my first thought (as I opened my eyes) was "how could my sweet Tammy have died??!!!". And I screamed out her name in agony. The pain rocked me to my core. And then, I went on with my day, functioning the best I can. So goes my life without Tammy by my side (but always in my heart).

Robin, your son asked "what if you don't see him again and there is nothing"... I simply can't imagine there is just "nothing" after death. I can't imagine that someone with such a joyful presence and heart of gold like Tammy could cease to exist. It's that hope that allows me to function in the here and now. I believe that even though our beloved has left their earthly presence, their essence is left behind, inside all of us. It's that little voice in our head that tells us they want us to be happy and that when the times comes, we will be reunited with them. Mitch

If words people say begin to overwhelm me, and I'm to the point I can't handle it, I tell them (politely) just that. I can't do that with customers at work so I have to grin and bear it there, unfortunately. People sometimes need a gentle reminder that we don't have our beloved spouse by our side anymore. We are all fragile and our emotions have been damaged by the magnitude of our loss.

Patty, I want to touch on the part of your quote that I put in bold. What you're saying is absolutely correct, those do become other losses in a sense. Yet, at the same time, if those losses occur, maybe it's not always a bad thing. Let me try to explain this from the perspective of my relationship with Tammy's family and my step-daughter Katie. Katie lived with me for 15 years. I treated her as if she was my own and I did my best to be the best dad I knew how to be. Tammy's family was pretty much always kind to me. They told me on numerous occasions that they knew how good I was to Tammy. They saw how much I loved her. Yet, after Tammy died, they have had virtually no contact with me. Not that I haven't tried. If I don't initiate it, I'd never hear from them. I realize they're dealing with their own pain and I assume they simply can't deal with listening to my grief and angst. At first this bothered me deeply. It felt like I was losing another connection to Tammy. Then I realized that I need to concentrate on my own life. My journey. I can't dwell on or analyze the whys and wherefores of their abandonment of me. It simply was/is out of my control. It's their decision, their choice. That's why I told Polly to be herself and answer her friends honestly about her feelings. We can't worry about trying to give answers that please the other person all the time. I'm not saying we should purposely try to alienate ourselves or lose relationships with people, believe me. But you know what? If talking about our genuine feelings would cause someone to not want to be with us... how true of a friend are they, actually? Mitch

Polly, you're not the same person anymore and they just don't understand that. Everyone for the most part is wrapped up in their own world. They mean well with their "it takes time" and "things will get better" remarks but they truly don't have any idea of the depth of your loss. Or the intense pain you feel. Having said that, if they ask how you feel tell, tell the honestly how you feel. No need to filter yourself, unless you feel you need to. If they don't like your response and look at you as Debbie Downer, that's on them. What you need in this new world is true understanding and empathy.

Gin and George and Marg... Things have happened that give me hope that Tammy is here, letting me know she's "ok". There have been events that have given me the feeling she is still helping me, loving me. But... I don't actually feel, see or hear her. I have the feeling when you're not expecting it, something will happen and you'll get those goosebumps knowing your soul mate was sending you a sign.

Well Kay.. since you brought it up and not to get too off-topic, let's just say neither candidate is awe inspiring or confidence inducing.

Kat, I'm putting my virtual arms around you and holding you tight. I know today is such a hard day. Try to reflect on all the joy and happiness he gave you. My heart goes out to you. Mitch

Brianna, I want to talk about all the "lies" you said you found out about after your SO died. First of all, excuse me if I'm wrong but I don't think you've mentioned his name and I definitely don't know what the "lies" were but I know they are painfully devastating. It's you choice to tells us as little or as much as you want to cleanse your mind and spirit. There's one thing that you need to think about (and again I have no idea what these "lies" were or who or where the source came from)... Ultimately, and sadly, he's not here to defend himself or explain things definitively. If I'm prying, I apologize. I'm just trying to help and let you see another point of view. Your life right now is in turmoil, it feels like nothing is "right". I know this is easier said than done but these "lies" can't be a focus of emphasis on your grief journey at this point. It's sort of like all the time I spent agonizing over the "why's" of Tammy's death. Finally, I realized that some things simply don't have an answer. I'm not saying at some point this shouldn't be confronted but for now it's more about the basics. Get your rest, eat healthy foods. Drink plenty of water. Take each day as it comes and live in the moment. I'm sorry you're in such pain and all of us are here to help you walk this journey into (hopefully) a better place than today. I've opened up about my life with Tammy with members here. It's been healing to me to vent about my struggles after Tammy's death. And it's been just as important in my healing to tell others about my wonderful wife and who she was. Mitch

Gin, my heart goes out to you and I hope your son is ok. It's so hard being alone and not having your "rock" to comfort and calm you when those difficult moments happen. I know for you, rock was spelled "A-L".

Brianna, I think you're doing all you can. The thing is, this isn't something that quickly goes away. Grief is complex and it's painful. You're only three months in. Last June when I was at three months into my grief journey, it felt like the walls were closing in and the world outside was a cold, uncaring place. It felt like I was living in a different world. And I was. I was missing that special person that made everything better. I wasn't sure I could take all the agony of this life alone. Now at 18 months, while I'm still in pain from the tragedy of losing my bride Tammy, I'm in a different place. I can see things in better perspective now. It just takes time. And slowly the pain will give way to some sense of peace and comfort.

George, I wish I was so lucky on the broken timing belt front. Back in the day, I drove an Acura Integra and the belt snapped and bye bye engine.

I agree totally. My guess is they said what they did in the moment. Then they went back to living their lives and (just as with my in-laws) you barely became an afterthought to them. It sucks, but right now your energy needs to be directed at finding some comfort in your life and not agonizing over their broken "promises". Hugs.