mittam99

Mike's Girl, When my wife Tammy died suddenly on March 6th 2015, I didn't think I could go on. She was, after all, my whole life, my world. In an instant, my world felt like a cold, empty place of nothingness. Well, nothing but sadness. As others have said, all you can do is live in the moment and take things one step at a time. Often, those steps go backwards. It's just the way this new life is. You're only a month into grieving the man you loved. This is a process. A learning experience in many ways. When I was early in my grief, I had no idea how I was going to live without my Tammy. Somehow you find a way. I mean, life will never be the same (it couldn't be) but we really only have one choice as survivors and that's to try to live our life the best we can. One thing a member here told me a very long time ago gave me the "oomph" I needed to change my mindset a bit. They told me that, I was no longer the Mitch I was before I met Tammy. That I was now a combination of the two of us. And that resonated with me. Tammy will always live on as a part of me, heart and soul. This kind of loss is as difficult as anything any of us will ever handle. We lost someone who loved us like no other. Who we loved more than life itself. We lost our best friend. Truth is, when they died, our world came to an abrupt and grinding halt. It will take time and effort to find your way. I know right now everything seems so gray and bleak. You're lost. All you want is to rewind the clock and go back in time to be with him. That's all very normal. It is a monumental loss. I found it really helped me to post here. I knew others would understand my loss. It's just about the only place I found that actually gave me some comfort when I was near the brink of simply giving up. Mitch

I've just been so overwhelmed. Not just by the two year "anniversaries". I quote that because in the past anniversaries were something you celebrated but that certainly is not the case anymore. I recently had two large tree removed from my front yard. It was a large expense and additionally my yard is now completely torn up. I've had an unnerving winter filled with little "guests" of the rodent variety. A stove had to be replaced. Fridge is probably next. And I had a roofer tell me that my 30 year old roof has to be replaced asap. These emotional and monetary stresses are at times, more than I can bear alone. I often find myself asking why? Why do I still try? Why do I even care? What's the point? And then I hear Tammy whisper in my ear and remind me that I've never been a quitter. I think about the courage she showed every day of her life facing the kind of ordeals few have ever faced. I was married to an absolutely amazing, one of a kind woman. So, I'm going to live my life the best I can. Live my life as Tammy's man for always. Live my life hoping that Tammy somehow can revel in my triumphs and can comfort me in my failures. It will always be Mitch and Tammy. Tammy and Mitch. There's no other way for me.

Thanks for your concern Ana. That really means a lot to me. I guess I'm "OK". Honestly though, I don't even know what the actual definition of "OK" is in this life after Tammy. I'm here. I'm trying. But, that spark life once had is just gone.

AB3, I hear what you're saying about wanting more time with your beloved. We all wanted that. Really, it doesn't matter if you had two years, five years, fifteen years, twenty five years,... hell, even 50 years together. It's never long enough when the love is deep and the connection is so right. I met Tammy when she was 30. I was 44. Thought we would be together forever but forever was less than 16 years. The pain of what will never be still hurts. Yet, how blessed I was to have someone love me so unconditionally. The life we had together was truly a love story for the ages. You mentioned being envious of others who had more time with their soul mate. I get that but none of us should really compare our loses or amount of years spent together. It just doesn't help in any way. Every relationship and love was unique and everyone's grief is their own. It's interesting about the age thing you talked about. You're young and I know you're wondering "how can I live my life for all these years ahead without him?". That's not an easy thing at all. In my situation, I didn't meet Tammy until I was in my mid-forties. And it wasn't until June 2014 that daughter Katie moved out of the house and I thought "finally, Tammy and I have the house to ourselves... oh yeah!!". How sweet it was. Less than a year later, Tammy died. Now I'm alone and soon to be a 62 year old man who wonders where the rest of my life will take me. It can be frightening. None of us (young or old) have it easy in any way, shape or form. Hugs, Mitch

Marg, I have no clue what you're trying to tell me. I was simply saying that in my life I don't begrudge anyone. I didn't know this forum was about semantics or a members way of writing their thoughts. Wow.

My heart goes out to you JHCP. I totally understand the overwhelming pain of a sudden death. My Tammy had just come home from a stay at a rehab place to regain her strength after another health scare. March 6th started with so much promise. We watched some TV together and had lunch. A few hours later Tammy had some breathing problems and she was gone an hour later. My life felt like it was gone too. All we can do now is savor the joy and the love that we shared with our beloved. Use those good feelings to help us get through the trying times. Our lives will never be the same but there's no doubt your Jack and my Tammy would want us to find some happiness. They loved us so much.

Marg, you're absolutely correct. The path is certainly different for all of us on this journey. On the other hand, the ultimate goal is likely the same for virtually all of us... Trying to find some meaning and some happiness in this new and sometimes bleak world we're living in. You mentioned that some may begrudge others who grieve for various reasons... young begrudging old, old begrudging young... In my world, I don't begrudge anyone who is grieving a loss for any reason. My concern, my concentration and my efforts are all directed towards finding my own way. I think those that do begrudge others are spending valuable emotional resources that would be much better utitlized within. Mitch

Marg, when you're in the kind of emotional pain we're in, finding things to be thankful for is real blessing. I'm glad you're seeing some positive light in your journey. Me, I'll always feel blessed that Tammy came into my life. Thankful that she said yes when I asked her to be my bride. But it will always hurt knowing that she died so young. We had so much more love to give each other and so much more life to live. Those "what ifs" and those "should've and could've beens" often bring me to my knees in excruciating pain. Yet somehow, I'm able to co-exist with that pain and live my life in a somewhat hopeful way. I hope that someday I'll find even a small measure of happiness again and find some purpose and meaning in all of this gut wrenching agony.

I have to agree here with Kay. Why is the study being done only for those five years or less out? It seems to me they should make an adjustment to that. After all, it isn't as though our pain and anguish is gone at five years. Or our memories. Seems odd they did that and not very inclusive. My two cents.

JHCP, It's so hard to try to push forward and accomplish things when your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. Like you, I lost the love of my life two years ago and life will never be the same. The best we can do is live our lives with their love in our heart knowing they're still with us in some way. Thanks for posting and thanks for posting the great pictures of you and Jack. Hugs, Mitch

Kay, we got the snow but we've had much worse. I took it in stride. The biggest thing is life without Tammy still feels like going through the motions. Maybe that's how it will always feel and I just need to accept that. On the other hand, I'm hoping my life will become more than just an existence. As always, it's one day at a time and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Sometimes it all just feels like it's too much. Since December, things have been challenging both emotionally and financially. December was once a favorite month but those feelings have turned to sadness. December 24th is our wedding anniversary and Christmas was Tammy's favorite. It was two years ago that Tammy's health took a turn for the worst and all those memories are on my mind. March 6th was the two year anniversary of Tammy's sudden death. It's hard not to feel depressed with all those emotional traumas weighing on my mind. Adding to that has been the financial stress of owning an older home. In the past few months I've been dealing with: A severe problem with mice Having to purchase a new stove Repairing quite a few ares of my home due to shoddy construction Having to pay to have a couple of huge trees removed Needing to purchase a new refrigerator Needing to replace my 30 year old roof Needing to replace some windows and screens The list seems to go on and on... There are times I simply don't know how I do it. Living a life with a measure of hope in a world that often feels so bleak and dismal and futile. Longing for Tammy to be here and sharing our life together once again. Fighting those battles and comforting each other. Assuring each other that everything will be OK. Yes, I have moments... days... sometimes weeks where I wonder why I even bother. Why I try so hard. And then it all comes back to me. I am still alive. There must be a reason. I choose to persevere and stand tall and push forward through the devastation. Tammy is always on my mind and always a part of me. She wouldn't want me to just give up on life. She always told me that I was special and had much to offer the world. She always told me there was nothing I couldn't do. The sky is the limit. Tammy has always been my inspiration. She had more courage than anyone I've ever known or will ever know. She set the bar high when it comes to being a good person. I will always do my best to make her proud. Mitch

Herc, I'm hoping for the best for you and Pokey. Everything is so magnified after losing our beloved. The day my wife Tammy died, I made us lunch and brought it up to Tammy so we could eat together in our bedroom. That was our last meal together and I simply couldn't throw the leftovers away. Finally after a very long time and much mold, I did. And it was extremely painful for me. It felt like I was somehow throwing away part of the life I had with Tammy. Pokey, being so much a part of Christine's life makes any decision you make traumatic. Just do what you think is for the best. Rest assured you have Christine's blessing. She knows how much you love her. There's no question of that.

Herc, you're absolutely right. We aren't the same person. We were were hit with an atom bomb that emotionally changed who we are. Our smiles will never again be quite as broad. Our optimism is forever tempered with the pain of our loss. Let's face it, our entire outlook on life is completely different. You hit the nail on the head when you said Christine helped forge who you have become. We were so blessed to have found that one person that made our lives more livable. How blessed we were to find someone who loved us and who we loved back so deeply, heart and soul. And it's that deep love and the loss of our every day interaction with our soul mate that makes life without them so nearly unbearable. We know that the best part of our life is behind us and our future is a question mark. This life of grief is not for the meek. But still, we're here and we have a life to live. I try to live mine with my Tammy living on inside me. She still motivates me from time to time and "tells me" to push forward. I have to live my life with the hope that someday, Tammy and I will be reunited. Without that sense of hope, I don't know if I could even function in this new world. Mitch

No doubt people just don't understand... I work with a woman who insists that "it's been two years and you definitely need someone in your life". Insists that she knows what is and isn't good for me. Even has the "perfect woman" in mind for me. Mind you, she's a widow herself. I have no doubt that, for her, finding a new love did the trick. But, like I told her, we're all different. We all do things at our own pace and in a way that's best for us. Still she persisted in telling me what I need and finally I had enough. I told her in no uncertain terms to "drop it". SMH... (shaking my head).

My lovely wife Tammy died two years ago today. It wasn't just a life changing event, it changed me as a person too. For the past two years, I've been able to hold on. Sometimes just barely holding on by a thread. This life without her is so lonely and it's a life that feels incomplete. After all, Tammy was the one person in life that "got me". Who loved me unconditionally. Who made me feel like I meant something to someone. I went to work to today but my head wasn't in the game. The pain and the longing for what happened on March 6, 2015 to be nothing but a bad dream overwhelms me. Still, I persevere. I'm here, I'm trying and I'm doing the best I can all the while co-existing with the intense pain and trauma of losing Tammy. In the past two years I've learned that most people, unless they've been through it, don't understand how it feels to lose the love of your life. That most people don't want to and simply don't know how to deal with someone else's deep grief. I've realized, more than ever, how amazingly lucky I was to have a wife like Tammy. And what an absolutely unbelievably courageous woman she was. My life will never be the same. I will never again feel the pure, unadulterated joy that I felt with Tammy. There is no "getting over" a loss like this; no "moving on". Finding Grief Healing Discussion Groups has helped me in many ways. The people here "get it". They know what this type of grief feels like. Over my two year journey members here have soothed my aching heart. At times their words have kept me from falling into a deep hole that I may never have gotten out of. I am grateful. I've tried to "give back" to this community by helping others when I can. I think Tammy would be proud of that and proud of me for trying to have a life. This is so so very hard. I can't believe it's been two years. - Mitch

Post #1,000... There's been a lot of pain in those posts and the tears will never stop flowing for my Tammy. In the nearly two years since Tammy died, much has changed in the world. In my world though, things are about the same. Loneliness? Check. Emptiness? Check. Meaninglessness? Check. I've adapted only in the sense that I function. I still work. I do what "needs" to be done. In that sense my routine isn't totally different than when Tammy was alive. The difference is just that... Tammy isn't here with me. I do things but nothing gives me real joy. There's no sense of true happiness or the feeling that "life is good". Life right now, at best, is bearable. It's a world without purpose. When Tammy was alive, life wasn't always easy, she was almost always sick. We often were dealing with life or death emergencies. After she lost her job due to her health, times were extremely tight financially. But we were together and our love and deep connection made our world a special place. A world where we knew that things would be "OK" because we had each other. Now I go through life holding on to those memories. Those good and those difficult times. I cherish every moment I spent with my darling wife. I'm so glad I decided not to go into work on so many of those days when I knew Tammy needed me at home. She would protest at first, "Mitch, we need the money". But later would confide in me that she was glad I stayed home with her. I often had to skip family events and dinners with my sisters because Tammy needed me at home. They sometimes didn't "get it". They simply thought I didn't want to spend time with them. That wasn't it at all. I knew that Tammy wasn't feeling well and needed me. In my world, my Tammy came first. She was a wonderful, beautiful human being and I loved her more than anyone can imagine. It's not just words... Tammy was absolutely, positively my everything. March 6, 2017 will mark two years since my Tammy passed away. Every day without her has been painful and nothing short of torture. Yet, here I am, still hoping that life will become more meaningful, less empty and that maybe, just maybe, happiness will come. I'll always feel married to my Tammy and I will always cherish what we had. It was a love for the ages. - Mitch .

Ana, this kind of loss blindsides us. We got hit by an emotional freight train, so it's pretty normal for grief to change us. There's no real joy anymore. Life now is living without love and just holding on for the most part. All any of us can really do is get up in the morning and face the day the best we can. You mentioned that you don't see any positive aspect to the pain you're feeling. Truthfully there is none. We're traumatized. We lost our world. It's just a matter of co-existing with our pain and somehow functioning in this new life. Somehow finding little victories in our day to day lives. The fact that you are here posting and you're still trying tells me that you are a strong woman. This life is hard. Hugs, Mitch

Marty, For now, pleasure is a feeling that's only in my rear view mirror. It's an unimaginable concept these days. I'd settle for having some sense of contentment in my life. The feeling that everything is OK. There's pretty much nothing OK about life after Tammy. At least I'm still able to put one foot in front of the other and have a bit of hope that tomorrow might be a better one. It's still baby steps, although some days I do take a "big boy" step or two.

It was an amazingly beautiful day here. 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. That just doesn't happen in the Mid-Atlantic in February. After work, I did some yard work and called it a day when I ran out of steam. I came inside and sat down to eat some of the pot roast I made yesterday. It was absolutely delicious. And that's when it always hits me. I mean, I had a pretty good day, the sun was shining and I accomplished a fair amount. Had a good meal. But, Tammy isn't here to share it all with me. No big grins and yummy sounds from Tammy when she would eat the food I made. Made with as she said, my secret ingredient... "TLC". No Tammy to share in my accomplishments. And when I went upstairs to rest, no Tammy in bed with me. No one to hug or kiss or give one of my "world famous" massages. Oh how Tammy loved to be "rubbed"... she was always in so much pain. Yes, the world is still turning on it's axis. Life goes on. But my life now, just like so many members here is not the life I want. That life, sadly, went away on March 6, 2015 when I lost my darling (and perfect for me) wife. That was the day the world lost one of it's brightest stars. The day the world lost one of the most courageous and amazing people ever. My life without Tammy is so hard. So unbelievably different than life with her by my side. So terribly sad. Of course, I hope and pray that someday, Tammy and I will be reunited. I live my life with her in my heart and in my thoughts. And Tammy will always be a part of me; the part that makes me a better man. Yet, none of those facts make any of this any easier. Living life without the love of your life is like living your worst fear over and over and over. I know it's the price we pay for the deep love we feel for our beloved, but, this meaningless, empty feeling is almost unbearable. And to think, today was "a good day". Mitch

You hit the nail on the head there, Marg. It's that simple. In my case, I just feel like there is so much we don't know about life itself and certainly even less about what happens after death. I have to live this new life with some sense of hope. Some sense that my life will again have meaning and hope that Tammy and I will be together again, in some way. For now, I just take each day as it comes and live it to the best of my ability, although my abilities aren't as good as they were before Tammy died.

^ Beautifully said! Same here, Gin. Nearly 70 degrees and sunny. February in Northern Maryland is usually our worst month for snow. A few years ago we had 2 separate blizzards within 5 days and 60+ inches of snow. This early spring weather is great, but, as you said, I can't really get very excited about it either. Just another day of "aloneness" and longing for what I had not all that long ago. BTW, that's not a lousy attitude. All of us are living in a world that we almost cannot bear. A world not of our choice. A world that feels like life has passed us by. A world where we sometimes struggle to find a reason and a meaning for our existence. Maybe someday, we'll be able to find some true contentment. Some real peace and comfort. For now, the concept of happiness seems far fetched. An "impossible" dream. All you can do these days is hold on and try to find some measure of positivity and hope.

Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate love and adoration. A once a year moment for two people to honor their connection in a special way. Flowers, cards, candy, an amazing meal. Maybe a night of passion. My Valentine's Day 2017... A day of sadness, loneliness and longing for the life I had. Another meaningless and unfulfilling day in this new life without my special angel Tammy. I'm here and my valentine isn't. It's a pain that's almost too much to bear at times.

Gin, I'm less than a month away from the two year anniversary of Tammy's death. And the tears are flowing hard and often. I honestly haven't been doing all that well since December. Yet, I push on. Sometimes, I wonder why, but I do want to live. It's so hard knowing that the rest of my life won't include Tammy by my side. It's now a life of memories. A life without real happiness. A life without intimacy. I miss my Tammy so much. My heart is forever broken. This life alone is all about coping. Some days you can cope and some days you just can't cope well at all. All part of the ebb and flow of grief. I think we all are pretty much just "existing", not living life with any measure of zest.

And you know what? That's OK. Right now, our world isn't the world we wanted. We're living without the person who made our life worth living. So, if your "to-do list" gets tossed to the side and all you can do is lay in bed or surf the net, it's OK. More than OK. Heck, feeding ourselves or just getting out of bed is a major accomplishment at times. I think all of us, the survivors, are stronger and braver than we give ourselves credit for.