mittam99

Gwen, and this is me just thinking this out, I'm no expert on anger by any means. I understand why you're angry and why you're angry with Steve. We loved them with everything we had and our life is miserable without them. We want our old life back and we want to share the love again. But what we want will never be in this life. So, right now, in the present, that anger has to be eating you up inside. And there's no resolution because Steve's not there to yell at and he's not there to tell his side of things. It's sort of a lose-lose proposition. Unfortunately, I don't know how to resolve it. I wish I could because it pains me that you're hurting so badly. It would be easy for me to say "let go of the anger" but who knows it that would even help. Just curious what your therapist says regarding this (if I'm not prying too much).

It's amazing how grief brings out so many different feelings with each individual. For me, anger has never been a feeling I've had. But I can empathize with those feeling anger. I was overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt that somehow I couldn't save Tammy or that somehow my love wasn't powerful enough or I wasn't good enough. I know these thoughts aren't based on truth because I loved Tammy with every fiber of my being and fought for her with all my might. But Tammy was gone and someone needed to be "blamed" so why not me? Thankfully in time, I stopped beating myself up and looked at things with a little more objectivity and reality. Even though many of us here have been grieving for a long time, it's still mostly unknown territory. Each day brings it's challenges and trials and sometimes all you can do is just hold on.

That's probably the real issue as time moves forward in our grief journey. When do we get beyond "doing things to get through the day" and graduate to doing things because they bring us pleasure. My Tammy died on March 6, 2015 and I still just try my best to find things to do to fill time until the next 24 hours of "my sentence". Sometimes, it does feel like we're imprisoned in our own grief. I wish I had the magical answer but I don't. Here's hoping that we all find that answer in time, sooner rather than later.

Gwen, Twenty eight months in, I don't cry as often as I did. But, it's amazing (and overwhelming) how it can still overtake me without a moments notice. Just the other day, I was relaxing and watching TV when out of the blue a thought about Tammy came into my head. The gut wrenching pain and the depth of my sorrow literally took my breath away. My heart was racing. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through me as the tears streamed out. Grieving a lost soul mate is unlike anything we've ever dealt with. It affects every facet of our lives and every moment of it. We're living our own worst nightmare and unlike a normal nightmare, we can't just open our eyes and get relief. --------- Vicky, I'm so sorry for the loss that brings you here. You've found a wonderful place to help you in your grief journey. None of us can do this completely alone. I lost my beloved wife Tammy in March of 2015 and the pain of losing her hasn't subsided. I don't think it ever will. Of course the intensity of the angst has lessened to an extent. I've learned to co-exist with my grief so that I can at least function. It takes time. Please post here when you feel the need to vent, we're all here to help. Just take it one moment and one step at a time. Mitch

I second, (well third actually) that emotion! This site is a godsend for all of us. I tried grief therapy and honestly didn't get all that much from it. Not to say it doesn't help, it just didn't make nearly as much difference as the wisdom and words I've read here from members. When I was a "grief newbie" I received some amazing advice from the "grief pros" here. I don't mean to sound silly talking about newbies and pros but there is truth in that. Grief is in part a massive learning experience with lots of trial and error. When Tammy died, I was a mess. I didn't know if I could ever function without her. I didn't even know if life without her was worth living. And now 28 months in, I've learned much on my own grief journey and I try to give back to those who are hurting. If I can help someone with something I write, it absolutely makes my day. This forum is filled with people who know how much this loss hurts. And these same people do their best to help ease the pain of others. It's a wonderful wonderful resource.

Gwen, I know what you're saying. It is horrible and painful and sad that our connection to our beloved has been reduced to memories. We all wish this nightmare life was just that and we could go back to our real world and continue our life journey with our soul mate. If only, right? So, the only thing to do (at least for me) is to keep that connection to them alive. Whether it's memories, or writing about them, talking about them to others or keeping things of theirs we hold dear, it does, in a way, keep them in our lives. No it isn't the same obviously. Not even close. And those memories sometimes bring as many tears as smiles. That's as good as it gets until we hopefully reunite with them in some way. There's no way our life will ever feel anything close to the life we cherished with our soul mate. If we set the bar that high in this new life, it's probably going to do more emotional harm than good. To me, it's just finding a way to get through each day with some positivity and productivity. Down the road, I hope I can feel some semblance of contentment, although it feels like that's far off, maybe even far-fetched. I guess it's about trying to make the best of a worst case scenario situation. It's an overwhelming and daunting task. And we're facing it alone. Truthfully, it's amazing we're functioning at all.

Tom, that's the thing.. People who tell you things like "they're in a better place" or "they're out of their pain" do mean well. It's just that they simply don't understand a loss like we've suffered. And I've heard those words from folks who have actually lost their spouse. At first it seemed surprising, but I've come to realize that few couples had the deep love we shared with our better half. When I was much earlier in my grief journey, those platitudes and cliches bothered me deeply. In time though, I realized that most people don't have a clue and I let it roll off of me. On the other hand, now that I'm 28 months into my journey, I'm being hit with something that does bother me very much. I'm hearing "It's been over two years, isn't it time to move on?". Again, I know the people saying that think they're being helpful. Think that their words are insightful. But I find those words to be kind of ridiculous and insensitive. There is no moving on. Tammy will always be my one and only. I'm doing this on my timetable and no one else's.

Pat, this grief journey can be very frightening at times, no doubt about it. I've faced many losses including the death of both my parents. And I dealt with so many mind bogglingly scary moments when I didn't know if Tammy was going to pull through. Our life was difficult and stressful to say the least. But we had one thing that made everything worthwhile... we had each other. Heart and soul. And we had endless love for one another. Together, we were just better. You're so right when you say this loss isn't just about losing our soul mate. It's also about trying to find our way when: 1. We're not even sure this life feels like living. 2. We feel lost and unsure of who we are now. 3. We look at the upcoming day with dread versus having a sense of hope. 4. We feel more anxiety and fear then we ever have before. The angst goes on and on... And that's why it really is a one moment at a time life now. Doing what feels best in the moment. What feels best to you. One thing that helps me cope is that I still feel married to Tammy. I feel her courage and her positive outlook on life. That love we shared will never go away. It's deeply embedded inside of me. Grief is a process. And it does take time. And work. As far as who you are... you're still Pat, even though right now you feel so different. You feel emptiness and sadness like you've never felt before. It's the pain of losing the love of your life. In most ways, life as you've known it is gone; replaced by what feels like a very dark, cold and meaningless place. Again, it all takes time and in time we do adjust and adapt. Of course, It sucks that we're not living our life as "it was meant to be". Last thought... All of us had something few others had. A real, bonafide love story. Let that serve as inspiration as you move along your grief journey. Find some solace and comfort in that, if you can. This new life is anything but easy but it's the only one we have. And no matter how awful it feels right now, life is truly a gift. Hugs, Mitch

Good point about the computer Kevin. And Gwen, you even stream Netflix to your tablet or phone with the free Netflix app.

Gwen, if you have Wi-Fi, get a Roku streaming stick. Setup is simple, really. It plugs into the back of your TV and will let you stream 100's of free channels. And of course you can stream pay channels like Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc. as well. Best $49 I've spent on entertainment. Netflix is around $9 a month and is really outstanding. Tons of original programming, movies and tv shows without commercials. Signing up takes about 5 minutes. I've cut the cord with cable to lower my bill and pretty much only stream and watch local TV. I also generally try to avoid the news... it's just too depressing.

Or if you are out of raisins, just fill the jar with gin. Don't put on a lid either.

I think we're all there Cookie. This isn't how "it was supposed to be". We all wanted to grow old together in the twilight of our years. In my life, I met Tammy back in 1999 and 3 year old Katie was part of the package. Instant family so to speak. When Katie left at 18 to go to college in Illinois and live with her grandmother, it was supposed to be me and Tammy alone time, finally... Sadly, Tammy was mostly very sick during that time and 9 months later my heart was broken into a million pieces. My Tammy, the love if my life, was gone and my life and all our plans were forever changed. Life as I knew it was gone, too. Replaced by the sadness of grief.

Great line Gwen and so true. I know when you're newly grieving, you look for anything that will give you relief from the relentless pain. The first time Kay told me that grief never ends, I was taken aback. That wasn't what I wanted to hear but it is the truth. There is no finish line when grieving for the one and only true love of your life. It's just living in the moment and trying to cope the best you can.

Marg, I think we all have days when just about anything soaked in gin sounds darn good.

ohsosad, I don't know how somebody came up with that seven year number. That's a bit arbitrary. I've learned there's no rulebook in grief and certainly no timetable. It's all how you feel and everyone's experience and grief journey is different. I'm over two years into my life without my sweet wife Tammy. I've "adjusted" to this new life to an extent but I believe it will be a lifetime of adjustments. And I'm strictly taking things one day at a time. I don't think you magically adjust at seven years. In the quote you posted the author mentioned that there is no need to apologize if you're "preoccupied" with grief after "many months". That's true, but... The fact is, you owe no apologies for grieving. To anyone. No matter how long. As an example, Kay, one of our wonderful members, lost her George well over a decade ago and she's still grieving. And she certainly has no need to apologize for that. Ever. We will grieve, hurt and shed tears for our lost soul mate for the rest of our lives. As difficult as that sounds, it's the end result of the deep, deep love we shared. It's that same love that will help us get through the darkest moments of our grief journey. All part of the ebb and flow of grief. Mitch

Marg, I find the bending over is getting tougher but it's getting back up that's the really hard part.

Marg you know what they say... 3/4 of a century is the new 2/3 of a century. Sorry for the silliness.

mbbh, wonderfully expressive and heartfelt words. And no, the missing doesn't end. We had a connection and a love that was too deep for that to ever happen. The pain and the sorrow won't leave either. It just becomes a question of learning to cope and function in a world that we didn't choose to live in. Moment by moment, day by day, our lost soul mate will always be in our thoughts. And their love will be forever inside us.

Ana, first of all, you don't need try to look as if you're moving on when you talk to people. There is no "moving on", only learning to adjust. Be yourself. If people can't accept the "new you", (pardon my language) screw them. You are living in a world of pain and others need to have some understanding. As far as getting used to the land mines of grief... They hit when they hit and I think they do become less and less shocking to an extent. But they will always be there, ready to explode when you least expect it. And they still have the power to set you back on your journey. Finally, you say you "don't know what's going on" and you're wondering if you're "forgetting, cancelling, denying, burying"... The truth is probably all of the above. Grief is so emotionally charged and so overwhelming that all of us have felt exactly the same way. We've gone from a life that we loved, with the person we loved, expecting a long a wonderful future to a life of nothingness. At times it feels like we have nothing but a past and no future. At least not a future we look forward to with any sense of happiness. I'm glad you made the move to go back to your therapist. There's no shame in that. You're trying to find some more understanding and trying to live a life with less pain. I hope you also post here more if you can. I enjoy reading your posts and I know we all will help you in any way we can. Hugs, Mitch

Pat, the ebb and flow of grief will be with us forever. My wife Tammy died on March 6, 2015 and I still have moments of angst that are very intense. Unfortunately for us, time doesn't heal all wounds. This is a wound so profoundly deep that there is no way it hasn't "scarred" us for life. With deep love come even deeper heartache. Having said that, in time, you do learn to at least cope. You learn what helps and what doesn't help. It's not easy in any way. Grief is hard work. The hope for the future is that we can somehow find a way to make a life that at least has some contentment to it. That's my goal anyway. I know my life will never have the same joy it once had. I had a once in a lifetime love story with Tammy. Tammy will always serve as my inspiration moving forward. Her courage and her love is forever etched on my soul. Today is a new day on our journey. Let's see where it takes us. Mitch

Marg, (and I hope you don't take this the wrong way) ... I saw Kay's post about books and responded to it. I honestly didn't even read your prior posts (I apologize for that). I don't know what else I can say to convince you otherwise that it wasn't directed at you. That's not how I roll.

Marg, you appear to have taken my comment personally. I was strictly responding directly to Kay's remark about books swaying people's faith. Faith in some contexts is religious of course but I was referring to having a faith or conviction in something more general.

Maybe I'm wrong, but in general, if a book can shatter the faith you had in something, that faith must not have been very strong. Faith and conviction go hand in hand. faith /feɪθ/ noun 1. strong or unshakeable belief in something, esp without proof or evidence

Pat, grieving a lost soul mate is the most overwhelming thing any of us have ever had to deal with. The realization that they're gone is so emotionally staggering. In time, the realization that they're not coming back sinks in and grief gets even more painful. Grieving is a process. One that will last the rest of our lives. I remember joining this forum 27 months ago. In so much agony that for the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts passed through my mind. I reached out to members here and made a post called "Dealing with those moments". Those moments when things feel so bad, you don't even know if life is worth living. Members here were so kind and thoughtful. Their words helped. I've had many of those moments. It's the ebb and flow of a life changing loss. I miss my Tammy with every fiber of my being and always will. I miss being with her. I miss the love we shared... And yet, I'm still here. Still standing. Still surviving and still trying. It took much work and many emotional trials and tribulations. What has worked for me may not work for you. Grief is a personal, unique journey. What has helped me is the realization that Tammy lives on inside me. Lives on by me living. That I still feel like I'm part of the Mitch and Tammy team. I still feel married to Tammy and always will. And that someday, will will be "re-united" in some form. That's what helps me cope. And coping is a big part of moving forward in the grief process. Mitch

Gin, I hear you. We all just want to get through our day with some level of comfort and reduced pain. That's certainly where I'm at. Yet wouldn't it be nice (even if it was only for a moment or two) to feel some actual happiness again? At least we can hope. I'm so sorry you had the added pain of dealing with the phone company.