WolfsKat

KatPilot....definitely, the feeling of being cheated is valid. But, you are very correct in stating that those who had had a bad relationship, and then met the one who made a relationship great, understand this. Because of what we endured in that past relationship, I believe we were even more appreciative of the happiness we found,and treasured it....which, of course, makes it even harder to deal with the loss, especially if the time together was much shorter in duration than the "bad" relationship.

That is a beautiful story....thank you for sharing....I've no doubts that Billy heard, and helped.

Oh.....just wish to add.....even the "name" I chose for this forum reflects my loss. My Connor loved wolves....even had a wolf tattoo....his nickname was "Wolf".....my name is Kathleen, but I go by Kat. So I am "WolfsKat"......it seems fitting.

On this topic......never once have I wished I'd never met my Connor. I was married 30 years to a cold, abusive man. When I finally freed myself from that life....I swore I would never, EVER marry again! And, I meant that.....even when Connor and I met/fell in love/cohabitated (8 yrs after my divorce)....I would shy away from taking that step. But then I realized that my past was just that....PAST. Connor and I married after over 3 years of being together....it was a wonderful, spiritual step for us both......we'd celebrated our 1st anniversary just this past August. Connor taught me SO much about real love, commitment, the joy that can be found with another.....how could I wish to have never had that in my life? But, I admit to feeling horribly cheated....less than 5 years to the person who was so very perfect for me....but given 30 years with a man like my ex-husband?

And a most happy one to you, as well....a very nice song. Thank you.

Debi....you wrote "It is like my soul is still searching for him although my mind knows it is hopeless"....oh God I know what you mean!!! I truly believe our souls were intertwined, we were SO close and connected....so my part searches for his....like a lost, scared child. I don't think you should apologize for "ranting"....it's your anguish bubbling over...and I am realizing, although new here, that everyone here respects, and even more importantly, understands those feelings, and the need to vent them in a place where no one will "judge" you. I'll keep coming back....and will hope to see your posts as well as those of others. Peace.

I am not thinking of it as getting rid of things.....I've "re-homed" different items to those I knew would appreciate the item(s) and respect the memory of my husband. Connor loved wolves....considered the wolf as his "spirit animal"....and a dear friend of ours also loves wolves...so I gave him Connor's beautiful leather wallet with a embossed wolf, and his beautiful "coffee table" books about wolves. His youngest brother is a avid hiker, and I gave to him Connor's prized hand carved walking staff....his clothing I've donated to a program that assists homeless vets, as he was a proud Navy veteran. I asked those close to us if there were anything they'd like to have as a memento....our closest friend, who is like a sister to us, had only one request...one of his canes. He needed to use one, but nothing just utilitarian for him! He had really nice crafted ones, a few he made himself....and considered them as a sort of "fashion statement" as well as useful. She does not use a cane....but wanted one as a memento and I was happy to provide that! Still other things to go through.....but I will do that as I feel up to the task....trying to share items he treasured with those who are also grieving the loss of him. I wear his wedding band on a chain to feel him close to me.....and some things I'll never part with.....but, above all....it's the memories that mean the most.

Thanks to all of you for your sharing....it does help, so much...to KNOW that there are others who "get it". I'm going to keep coming here....it is helping me more than anything else right now. I know that my Connor would want me to live on, and enjoy life....even though he'd always said that we should die together of old age! Gwenivere....I also especially miss the physical contact....us embracing, hugging....the little pats & touches....the happy and safe feeling of snuggling in bed together. That I'll never again have this in my life devastates me......JustGreg.....I like your thought of being a light for one another....One thing I've thought, is that I wish I could go back in time to every person I knew that was widowed, and try to be of some better comfort. Until you, yourself, have been in this hell, you really cannot comprehend the extent of the loss!

I very much appreciate what all of you share here. There is some reassurance to know that there are others, feeling much the same....that what I am feeling, living with...is understood. I have a few good friends here in my town....but, none of them has ever experienced this type of loss, and they can't truly comprehend the depth of my grief, nor understand it. They mean well.....and I appreciate what they try to do for me, but I'm very aware that they are waiting for "me" to return. The "me" I was before losing my Connor. She's DEAD....she is NOT coming back, ever! That "me" died with Connor.....I wish they'd understand that. They also are couples....they ask me to join them on outings, and I have a few times....but, it makes me feel worse, in a way...the "fifth wheel" feeling, although I know they do not look at it that manner. I find I can wear a mask, act as though I am enjoying myself....but inwardly, I am just aching to return home to solitude, so that I can weep/wail/lose it. It's too draining to put on a show of being "ok" when you are anything but. Everyone is SO proud of you when you are "doing so well"....you are complimented for it....if you let your grief show, immediately you sense their anxiety, discomfort. They are good people, my friends...but they could never understand. So....I was/am glad to have stumbled across this forum....YOU do understand, and have already helped me, just by sharing.....thank you all, my brothers & sisters in grief.

I thank all of you. I feel like I'm slowly, but surely losing my mind.....I lost my brother in July, my beloved Mom in February.....and I grieved for them, I still do. But as painful as those losses were/are.....it is NOTHING compared to losing my Connor . We truly had a wonderful love story.....the kind you think only happens in fiction....having him in my life, I was able to withstand the losses of my brother and mom because I had Connor with me, caring for me, giving me unconditional love & support.....he was just that kind of person. He'd lost his mum, dad, and a brother while we were together, and I know I gave him the same support & love.....while we grieved our losses, we comforted one another and knew that because of our strong love and bond, that we could withstand anything, together. The losses spurred us on to never take a moment for granted, we spent nearly all of our days together, and I was always surprising him with mini getaways to places I knew he would enjoy......we especially loved going to the ocean, it was almost an obsession with him. "I need vitamin sea" he'd always exclaim! We'd gotten our passports for our last trip to the Bahamas....costly, but as they are good for 10 years, we planned to get our money's worth and travel when we could afford to,....he'd traveled extensively while in the Navy, and hoped to return, with me, to show me the countries he loved the most. All of my dreams/hopes/wishes....they are dead,....I'm just a shell. I've not always had a easy life...but was always the "tough, strong" one who could take anything life threw at me.....but now? I'm having a hard time even caring if I shower, brush my teeth or hair....sounds gross but I just don't care and it seems too much of an effort. I know that can't be normal....maybe I AM going insane?

My Connor died October 21st. I still can't get through a day without agony. He was not old, just turned 52. I feel as though MY life ended that day as well!!! We were SO happy together.....only together just shy of 5 years....I'd waited all of my life for this wonderful man, and he felt the same about me. We were still....as our friends termed it..."gaga" about each other. So now, after having this for the first time in my life...it's ripped from me! I have a few close friends, and family, but they are 1000 miles away. And even then, I've always been known for being "strong"....and I don't wish them to know just how horribly I am doing....why make them worry? I don't think I could take my own life, could not do that to my kids, but I know I am smoking way too much, and drinking way too much, not eating/sleeping much. But just can't seem to give a hoot about the possible consequences. If I die sooner, great! My only wish is to be with Connor again....a world without him with me is bleak, harsh, and joyless. I have to have surgery the 8th and almost wish I would not make it through. No groups around my tiny burg. No money for counseling. How does anyone survive this? Living seems to be a punishment. And right now, I hate God.....he murdered my husband. My Connor was a loving, gentle, sweet, intelligent man....we harmed no one......why kill him? HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE! Is it so wrong of me to want to be with him again as soon as possible???