WolfsKat

Kay....you may've posted regarding it and I missed it.......just wondering how it al went w/the insurance adjustor regarding the fallen roof? Hope it was settled quickly and repairs soon to be made! Take heart, spring WILL arrive!

It's a good choice, snowbirding, for many........especially ones such as I.....I am the world's most apprehensive winter weather driver, and I find that very cold temps tend to make my arthritis worse. Such a joy, aging and getting creaky!!!!

Marg......that story is so perfect! I know it is meant for children.....but I love it, and the analogy is so special.....thank you so much for sharing this!

It means as Brad explained.....that if I were ever in your country, your town............Sorry, it's just a minor language barrier thing! But...the idea still holds....would love to meet you if the opportunity arose!

Oh, Gwen.......That's the whole point of this.....each of us, has to find our own way, in our own time.....and do as much, or as little as we feel we can do! Some will most certainly wish to just "be".....taking each day as it comes, with no set expectations, no plans. And that's as it should be, if that's what that person needs/wants. Although united by grief, each of us is an individual....my way would not be another's way....but we are both getting through the grief in the way best for us! I "have" to make some plans, as, bluntly.....I'm broke. Medical bills, both Mom & Connor's services.....and being off from work due to my leg injury for 4 months (unpaid....still fighting to get my disability pay from Walmart) gives me no real choice but to have to make plans....if I did nothing, I'd have to add being homeless to my list of problems....and that is a choice I'd never make.

Oh Kay.....so much wisdom (hard earned by you) in what you wrote! You are so correct....when someone is in the early days, there is absolutely NO way people can expect you to be "happy". At that time the mere thought of happiness without the one we've lost IS impossible! I rejected the idea of it.....I could find nothing to take happiness, or pleasure in, at all. I would even skip taking my prescribed pain medications, as if I deserved the resulting pain....overdrinking and smoking waaaaaay too much.....a form of self-punishment? I was closely hugging my grief to me, not allowing anything to help me feel "better". For the most part, after 11 weeks, the worst of this has passed (I hope). While I still find it difficult to take a lot of pleasure in my life right now....for my own sanity, and for the sake of my family, and in honor of my beloved husband, I will continue to work towards making a new life that may hold happiness for me in it. Thanks, Kay......your insights are always wonderful!

Brad Oh heaven's no!!! If I snowbird....will live in FL the winter months, then return to Michigan in the Spring....when it is starting to get miserably hot here! With a quick trip back up for Christmas, of course! The park I'm now living in has the "7/5" rent program for snowbirds.....if you live here for only 5 months of the year, you receive greatly reduced lot rental for the 7 months you are gone.....I like that idea! Most of the parks (and there are scads of them) have this program....which is why Florida is the "Snowbird Capital of the World".

Ugh.....when I move to Michigan, I will once again have to deal with winter/snow....I always detested winter! But it's a price I'm willing to pay to be near my family once again....I lived in it for 47 years, I can do it again! And only until such time as I can retire fully and live the best of both worlds.....life as a snowbird!!! I would not mind the snow so much.....if it would just stay OFF of the roads!!!

Janka......you have such a good and caring soul....thank you for your insights, and caring.....it is quite wonderful, that even as you deal with your own grief, that you reach out to comfort & support others, as so many of the wonderful people in this forum do, as well. I don't know how it could happen...but, if ever I am in "your neck of the woods"....I would very much like to meet you, and give you a big hug, child!!!!

Oh, we've all heard that phrase..."Time heals all wounds".......what a crock of....manure! No, it most certainly does NOT.....the scar of our emotional wounds will always be with us. But, time will assist in the wound "scabbing over"......we just have to learn how not to pick at that scab and reopen the wound.....if that makes sense.

Wishing I could send all of you the 70+ degrees and sunshine here!!!!

Kevin I am in the same situation. I'm going back to work soon, and although I'm not crazy about my job, it is of financial necessity for me to return. While it will be stressful (it always has been, now that will be compounded) it will give me back some form of structure to my days, which I believe I need. But I do have some "goals". One is to definitely move closer to my family (they are all in Michigan, I'm in FL), but that will be dependent on my being able to get a job transfer w/no loss of F/T status, very hard to obtain. To clean out/sort things with a eventual move in mind (you pare down more if you focus on having to pack up everything for a move!), to once again start selling on eBay...have not done so for about 3 yrs, but I did well at it, and, when I do move back, to search for someone in my situation who would like to have a mutually beneficial, platonic shared living arrangement. I don't think any of us can/should "do" the first item you listed....."do nothing, hope things improve"......they won't, not unless we do something, even if at first only "baby steps". We are the ONLY ones who know what is, and will be, the best way for us to try to make some sort of life for ourselves now, in our horribly altered worlds.....hopefully to achieve, if not total happiness....a modicum of contentment and stability. We all may be just marking time until we can rejoin those we lost....I SO get that feeling, but we should also seek to find a way to get through what time we have left in his life, with some sort of peace.

Gwen......Yes! I actually had not even thought of that particular scenario....if this same loss happened to them in the future! Thank you so much for pointing that out....you are so right!

Dear Janka....I will hope that one day, I can be as brave as you were and perhaps venture out alone to travel.....I know my beloved Connor would be so happy to know I'd done that.....even if I could only have him with me in my heart.

All of you, I'm certain, have at one time had all of the commonplace, and useless platitudes said to us since we became "the bereaved". I recall one of our members stating something to the effect that if she heard someone telling her, just ONE more time, to "move on" and "choose" to be happy......she was going to lose it! While most of us KNOW, quite well....that the people offering these so-called condolences, or "advice", are well meaning, that does not lessen our pain/anger/weariness at hearing unwanted, unwelcomed comments. Since Connor's passing, I've actually told (gently) a number of my friends that those sayings, clichés, etc. are, in fact, sometimes having the opposite "desired effect" than they hoped for/intended.. I let them know, that at one time in my own life....I'd said the same things, and I harbored no ill feelings for it towards them.....but, with my "new knowledge", I felt I should share this with them, in the hopes that it will assist them in dealing with another bereaved person in the future. One of my long-time friends is actually a minister, and he was appalled that he'd not realized how UN-helpful some of his condolences were! I shared a few of Marty's links with him (regarding what to do/not do, say/not say), and he was truly grateful....said it would be of much assistance to him in his ministry. I could've just fumed in silence.....or tried to shrug it all off.....but, by doing these things, I feel as if I am helping others to understand, and spare future grieving persons from having to deal with those well meaning, but totally useless phrases!!!

I definitely wish to add my heartfelt thanks to you, Marty........it must be a wonderful feeling to know that you have made such a difference in so many people's most difficult of journeys.........Blessings and love to you!!!!

Connor and I had so very many places we'd hoped to one day travel to......we both got our full passports about 18 months ago, in hopeful preparation. High on our list was Ireland, Scotland, Italy and Greece......all places he'd traveled to, and wanted to share with me. I might wish to travel again someday (although finances are now dicey).....but, with whom? He was my fellow "vagabond bohemian traveler" (his phrase)....we did go many places, but primarily within state, although we splurged on a honeymoon in the Bahamas. I cannot think of anyone who'd want to travel with me.....most all I know are couples, and I'd detest being a 5th wheel. Another dream is dead.

Brad So sorry you got hit with that......it sure does not seem to take a lot to send us for a quick nosedive! I got hit when I rec'd a Christmas card from a uncle in CA, who had not heard that I'd lost Connor. Addressed to both of us, of course, and a cheerful note wishing "You two lovebirds" a merry holiday. I just broke down, could not stop wailing for hours. We are so fragile, emotionally. Good to see that your day went back to so-so/okay.....I guess we all will get more of these days than bad ones, eventually.

February 1st will mark one year without my wonderful Mom. I still find it hard to wrap my mind about the fact that she is gone. We'd lost my big brother the July prior, and my eldest sister 5 years before that, Dad's been gone for almost 20 years......and there are times I feel "jealous" that they all get to be with her now, and I don't!!! Further compounding the grief....my best friend/soulmate/husband died unexpectedly October 21st. He was my rock when brother and Mom died....and losing him has shattered me. One of my first thoughts when he died was......."I want my Mom!" She, like many mums, was the one I went to with life's problems, both for her wisdom and her love....I know that she would've been such a source of caring and comfort, as she always was for all of her children. I'm not a young woman.....and I know I was very blessed to have had my Mom for so many years....but I don't think we ever "outgrow" our need for our mothers. I'm like so many....just slogging through my life right now.....trying desperately to find some meaning and comfort.....when it seems rather impossible that I will ever have the joy of life that I used to!

Although I have a few hours here and there that I almost "normal"....they are fleeting and I know the pain of my "alone-ness" will hit yet again. If I keep busy at tasks, I can keep it at bay for a time.....but nights are the worst time for me. It was always the best part of the day for us, the evenings....I'm home from work, we'd have dinner, do the few little chores together, usually chatting the whole time.....in all of our years together, it seemed we never ran out of things to talk about! Then we'd watch TV together, take a stroll, or putter on our respective computers....have a glass of wine, and happily snuggle together in bed. That may not sound "exciting".....but for us, it was good.....I miss this, with Connor, SO very much! I don't really watch it, but I have the TV on 24/7....it's been on the same channel for months. I just cannot stand the overwhelming silence! So, like others here.....it is very difficult to find joy in things.....Connor and I were so closely intertwined....we did everything together, we have friends, yes....and they come over often still....but Connor and I were happy with just the two of us, we felt no driving desire to share our time together.

THIS is the horrible winter weather I have to contend with.......I know you all feel my pain! Tampa-area forecast: Warming trend continues with mostly cloudy skies The warming trend continues today in the Tampa area with a return to near-seasonable temperatures. tbo.com

Welcome "back", Janice.......good to see you! I remember your postings, and you!

Brad, I'd heard that as well.....that hearing is often the last sense to go. The last few days of Connor's life, while he was unresponsive, I did the same as you....I kept close and talked to him almost constantly, if I had to leave his side, I'd tell him so, but that I would be back soon. One of the ICU nurses Connor had was wonderful......he would always "chat" with Connor.....and tell Connor exactly what he was doing (blood draws, etc) just as if Connor was totally alert......and he always, always used Connor's name. He also asked me what Connor's interests were....so that he could possibly reference that in "conversation"....and even have a TV channel going that might be appropriate. I thought that all of his actions were so very thoughtful and caring! After 17 years as a critical care nurse, he told me that he was thinking of going into Hospice nursing.....I told him that in my opinion, he would be a wonderful asset in that field...I hope he made that choice!

Janka, I am happy that you are doing okay, and I'm sending healing wishes to you! Like you, I find great solace here........we are lucky to have "found" this space, aren't we? I always look for your posts, you have such a delightful way of looking at life, and your amazing strength shows through. I know that your beloved Jan had to be a very special man, because he has a very special woman.....you! Keep warm and get well soon!

Welcome, Linda......and, as others have already said, I wish you had no need to be here. I'm still fairly early in my grief (my Connor died 11 weeks ago today) but I can tell you that I already see a bit of "progress" in this painful and heartbreaking journey......which I'd not have believed if anyone had told me in the first agonizing weeks. It's a good thing that you are seeing a psychiatrist....but, as Brad suggested, the addition of a counselor specifically trained in grief therapy would likely be a excellent choice on your part. Feeling so very alone, even with caring people around you, is very common.....in a sense, we are alone in our grief, as only we know how it feels to be "us".....and this road is one only we can walk. But we can, and should accept all of the support we can find from others, it can be a lifeline. You will find support, understanding, and compassion in this forum.....just being able to come here, and express yourself, share your pain.....it does help! Also, when you can, check out the many links Marty has provided us....a wealth of knowledge and support to be found there as well. Again, welcome.....I hope you will continue to post as often as you need/wish to!