WolfsKat

It "works".....but having such issues with the wifi in my park here in Florida.....at best I get a "fair" signal, and I'm located within 25 feet from the tower thingie! So frustrating to get "bumped" offline or everything "freezing" and I have to reboot. No use in complaining, as both internet and cable TV is provided free here. Perhaps it's due to the influx of snowbirds and additional persons using the wifi service? I'm very "techno impaired".......that was Connor's forte, not at all mine.....always call him my personal tech guru. My kids, knowing that I am a avid reader, got me one of those "Nook" things for Christmas that I can get books on & read them. I am starting to play with it a bit....but rather intimidated by any new technology. I did not even have a cell phone until about 5 years ago! Connor would've been thrilled with the Nook, just to have a new techtoy in the house....and would've probably loaded a bunch of books up in it by now! But, I am determined to learn....hopefully he can channel some help to me!

Janka, You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul.....I always like to see your posts, and I thank YOU for your contributions here....I'm addicted, as well.....and what a good addiction it is! Blessings to you!!!

This is ESPECIALLY true if you use VA for healthcare, as Connor did......one time when he was in distress, we waited in the ER Emergency for almost ELEVEN hours! After that debacle, I always called for the ambulance....you go to the "head of the line".

I definitely believe he is with you still in some manner.....you are not lying to yourself at all. Interestingly enough, there are many documented cases of those that have passed, who were atheists who had NO belief in a life after death, who've manifested to persons after their passing....I'm currently starting to read a book recommended to me (perhaps in one of Marty's links?) by author Louis La Grand, "Love Lives On"......quite compelling! I've no doubts that we go on to another existence.....it is both reassuring and irritating to me.....I want to be with Connor, NOW! So many questions.....and, as Gwenvieve posted before, frustrating.....because we will never know "all" the answers until we can leave this plane!

Oh, how I relate to that statement! Connor was always a calm voice of reason....I am the more mercurial, short-tempered one! He would wait out my anger/rants...(usually work related)....just listen....and most times, do nothing more but to let me vent....and hug me. He was very empathetic....while it hurt him to see me hurting, he just had a way of making everything "all right".....I'd calm down, and even be able to laugh about how angry I was....he put things in perspective.....as he said, "As long as you and I are ok, we can withstand anything, together". God, I miss that.

Perfectly put! I like that, and may even use that analogy if pushed again....thanks, Gwenivere! Good "ammo"!

I understand. One "friend" has already told me that I should just "move on" and not "wallow in my grief"......HELLO.....it's been only a bit over 10 weeks since Connor died!!! I will "move on" when I'm damned good and ready to, and I can "wallow" all I wish to.....this is MY loss, MY grief!!!! I said as much, too.....guess I've lost a "friend" (don't care). This is a good thing I've gotten from being here in this forum.....I have the RIGHT to deal with my grief as best as I can, and how I see fit....it's somewhat empowering!

I get that.....already sick & tired of the very phrase "Happy New Year". I can wish it for others...but, for me it is NOT going to be happy....how can it be, when part of my soul has left? I've also had a number of well meaning people tell me "At least this horrible year will be behind you now"......like that makes the pain lessen? Not a whit...not helpful....but they just don't understand, and I know they are "trying"....so I just nod and keep on my brave mask.

Karen....even Walmart has better, as cheap as Boone's Farm....if you like sweet, try Oakleaf Vineyard's Moscato or Sangria....about $3.00. I'm not a wine snob, can't afford to be!!! My standby is Beringer White Merlot.....usually under $6.00. Slainte!

Oh, Brad.....that is wonderful.....and I see I'm not "alone" in this manner of remembrance! THANK YOU!!!

Okay ,Karen......we SO have to have a chat about your wine choice!

Such a rollercoaster we are all on.....I definitely thought much as Marg did......if I got the nerve to join Connor via suicide (and, still oh too tempting) would it preclude me from being able to reunite with him? Would I be damned? It is the fear of just that, sorry to admit, that keeps me here, so far....I so much love my family, my kids.....but Connor was my world, my mate, my soulmate. It's just too much, at times, to even envision a future without him with me. He's been gone, 10 weeks yesterday.....and it feels like forever already!!!!! I have already told my kids....should ever I pass suddenly (accident, heart attack, whatever) please know that I will be with Connor again and oh, so happy.....grieve, but know I am finally whole again!

Ok Brad.....I do not wish to pry, but I have to ask.....did you/others scatter ashes at these places? I ask because I scattered some of Connor's ashes at the hotel I stayed at the night before my flight to Michigan for Christmas....scattered a small amount at poolside near the manmade waterfall......we stayed there very often, we called it "our" hotel....and that was our favorite spot when we were there. That may sound odd to many.....but it just felt right to me....I make no apology for it. I will scatter other ashes in other meaningful spots, the rest will be combined with mine when I get to leave, and be interred mixed together.

Oh, how you echo just what I feel, so much!!!! Right now the memories are shards of glass slicing into my very soul.....Connor always told me that I was his very reason for living....does he "need" me still? What does he wish for me? And HOW damn long until we can be together again? I do not wish for along life, no matter how much better it may get in the future, I know it will never be as good as it would've been with him at my side....where he belongs! The questioning is endless......

They do not mention.....but, I shall........Happy New Year in Heaven, my beloved, Connor Carroll Clark......the MOST important person in my life.....until we are together again, I hold you in my heart, and my soul.....for as long as it takes until our reunion.....I love you, brat....the MOST! xoxo

That sounds beautiful, Kay......a lot of people travel just to visit places such as where you live! Hey, perhaps you should consider becoming a mini B&B......wildlife photographers would love such a location.....and you could make a bit of money!

Thank you, Brad.....I will check into it....I grab for anything that may offer even a bit of solace these days!

I would very much like such a travel group.....my Connor and I loved to be "madcap traveling bohemians" (his quote)......but now I feel as though our shared travel adventures are all I will ever have. Most all I know are "paired up" and damned if I will ever feel like I am a 5th wheel or a pity-tagalong.

I plan on doing the same......even if I have to make it a drug-induced sleep....just can't take it. No "happy" in the new year for me, not without my beloved.

I read your blog.....you write so very well.....the once about the dance was very poignant....echoes my feelings, exactly. All I can do is wait until my time for the "dance" to be finally over.....

Janka. it is just awful that you have had to endure bullying in the workplace! I hope you will notify this person's superior if it continues! It may be a bit daunting, being relatively new on the job, but sometimes you have to show people right off the bat that you do not intend to take what they assume they can dish out. I surely hope that you will continue to feel better, and that 2016 may be a good year for you, dear.

I have not, but will look it up and see if it available from Better World Books (discount/used book site). Can't afford regular bookstores but they have many 1000's. Thanks for the info....do you have the author's name?

Returned to Florida last night after flying up to Michigan (my home for 47 years) to be with my family for Christmas. I'd worried overmuch about how I would "do"...worried that I might have a griefburst and depress/upset others. That worrying was for naught. I stayed at my daughter's home, and really had a wonderful time...of course I had a few moments, but was under control and not overwhelming. This was my first Christmas "back home" after 11 years in Florida, and since Connor and I had never went up there for Christmas, I was better able to deal with it, I think? Even at the big family get-together (about 40 of us...we rent a small hall) I felt surrounded by my family's love and compassion....they all seemed so very happy I was there! This was also the first Christmas without my Mom....which all of us were feeling.....my daughter had been working hard on a "videography" of my Mom, she'd prepared a list of questions for her last year, primarily about her past....and filmed it over a few days. Interspersed with the "interview" portions were old photos and appropriate music....it was beautifully done. She played it at the hall, and gifted family members with copies of the CD. Yes, many of us shed tears, but we also had laughter during the viewing (my Mom was a funny lady!). It was a wonderful memorial to my mother....I am so grateful that my daughter did this! Another thing....this trip up there has solidified my resolve to move back home as soon as I can do it in a rational manner. I think my family needs me as much as I need them, now.....that definitely came through. Connor could not handle a cold climate due to health issues, so we lived in Florida, very happily. But, while I have some close friends here, all of my family is up in Michigan, and I miss them. It will be a bit daunting to reinvent my life (again!)....but I believe it will be the best thing I could do, both for them, and for myself. I will not make the move quickly...too much to deal with at present, but knowing I will gives me comfort, and a bit of hope that this life without my beloved might still have some bits of happiness in it again. Thanks for letting me ramble a bit...and hoping all of you were able to get through Christmas with a minimum of pain.

Gwen, I have the opposite "problem". I WISH I could have dreams of Connor.....so far, not a one. I know this might sound a bit wacky, but after other losses, those who passed have appeared to me in dreams and I found it very comforting. Especially one I had of my father....in the dream, I walked into my parent's living room, and there he sat in his usual chair. I was overjoyed to see him...he looked just like his old self, and he had his beloved little dog on his lap, petting him. In the dream I said "Dad! Oh I'm so happy to see you.....but, do you know you are dead?" He looked at me & nodded, with a look on his face like "Duh!"....and said, yes, I know....take care of your mother" That was it. The next morning, I shared this dream with my sister, and she told me that my dad's dog had died the night before. But, I found solace in this dream. I expected to dream of Connor, and so far, nothing.....maybe at ten weeks, it is too soon. Or maybe my mind is too jumbled, or the grief still too raw. But, I will continue to hope.

Amily, I get that feeling.....oddly enough, I just started feeling that was a few days ago....realized that this new year will be one without my husband in it with me, and the first of more interminable years without him. I was so caught up in worrying how I'd deal with Christmas, the "new year" did not factor in! So, definitely, you are not alone in this feeling!