WolfsKat

Thanks, Kevin.....will be following much of your advice. I've no immediate plans for anything drastic, as I told my kids, I'm considering myself "temporarily insane" and thereby unable to make major decisions....and that is uncomfortably close to the truth. I'd planned on becoming (along with my husband, of course) a "snowbird" just as soon as I could retire (2 yrs, 5 months)....so moving back to Michigan has always been the game plan, at least for the non winter months! I just want to be close to my family...with Connor gone, even more so. But for the time being...will stay here until such time that I can make the move in a reasoned, financially sound manner! Thank you....you give sage advice!

Just a fun thought.....if your neighbor HAD actually upchucked....I'd hope it would be all over that idiot's shoes!

God....sounds like MY ex-husband.....he was/is VERY good at painting such a good picture of himself....I, too, restrained myself from bad-mouthing (which all would've been factual) as he is still my kid's father. My ex is a chameleon....will be whatever he chooses to garner sympathy and impress others....no one saw the monster he became to me!

I get that idea. I'm in Florida....here as Connor could not tolerate a cold climate due to COPD. All of my family is back home in Michigan....my kids, grandgirls, sister....everyone. I feel rootless.....don't feel "at home" here now since he is gone....and I've no home up there. I hope and pray I can find some way to be able to move back, but with finances being as they are (horrible) I'm stymied. I have a full time job here, and they will not let me transfer (Walmart) to a position up there unless I give up my FT status, benefits...and start from scratch.. Does not matter that I've worked hard for them for over a decade...they are eliminating full time positions chainwide. I can't move back with no way to support myself. So I am in a hellish limbo.

Rachelle....Thank YOU for sharing. The window is certainly beautiful...and what you wrote was, as well. Blessings to you.

He helps, a little.....but have to be careful or he makes us even sadder if we hang out with him too much! I can't at all right now as I'm taking oxycodone (post-op meds)....but have to say, good thing I have a limited amount of those....they actually help me feel a bit good mentally as well as helping w/pain. I can understand how some can get addicted....that won't be me....but too bad there isn't a "magic pill" we could have to help with the anguish.

Oh my gosh Kay......that has GOT to rank up there as one of the worst, thoughtless, STUPID comments, ever! That had to be so hurtful.....I am so very sorry that you had to be the recipient of such a asinine remark!

Brad....I've followed your postings. I must say, you've "painted" a wonderful verbal portrait of your very beloved Deedo! I can sense her personality, her joy, she truly sounds like a amazing woman that I am sure I would have very much liked, had I met her! The deep, abiding love you shared is apparent....I believe you were as much a gift to her as she was to you....you have a beautiful love story....warms my heart. Wishing for you blessings and peace....

Welcome back as well.......you wrote what I feel, what many of us feel also. No quaint, nice way to put it, we are all in a hell....great love now means great pain for us. I'm amazed, every day, that I am still here.....I keep expecting (hoping?) that my heart will TRULY break and I can be with my Connor again. All we can do is plod on and hope for some respite from agony....while pretending we are "fine" to people who can't/won't understand the horrible depth of our loss.

I think this was Brad's quote......I totally "get" this. I'm already (at 8 weeks!) getting very weary of people trying to "fix" me. I'm broken, yes...but nothing they can do (short of performing a miracle and resurrecting my Connor) is going to make me the person I was before I lost him! She is as dead as he is. Sometimes, I feel as if they want me to be "okay" just so they no longer have to deal with my grief and sadness.....they don't wish to "have" to worry about me. One told me "Grieve, but don't wallow in it." I am NOT wallowing, I am drowning....do they think we LIKE to feel like this, that it is a CHOICE? Most of my life, I've been admired for being a strong person.....gone through much pain, losses, and managed to still make a good life. But this year, I lost my brother, my Mom, and, the worst....my beloved husband. Add to that having to have surgery (last week), loss of half my income, and my car totally shot (and no $ to replace), and 4 months off work due to the condition I just had surgery for.....and people think I can bounce back, yet again? I cannot be strong this time....and yet, "they" want me to be "me" again.......ain't happening.....I think, no, I KNOW....I am allowed to NOT be okay.....for however long it takes me! Ok.....off of my rantbox!

Gwen, I feel exactly the same way.....I will NEVER say goodbye to my Connor! It is too final, too bleak.....if there IS a way, I know he is with me still....we talked about just that long before he left. Promised that whoever left first would do all they could to still "be" there for the other, and try to find a way to let them know.....even came up with a few "code words/phrases" known only to us, in the event we contacted a medium or such, for validation that the "message" was legit. So....will never say "Goodbye"....just...."Love you and miss you...until we are together again"

This resonated with me. In my first (bad) marriage....I tried, so very hard, to make a good relationship....I yearned for companionship, closeness, being able to give love and receive it.....it was never meant....he was/is a cold person. I felt, always, that I had SO much bottled up inside of me, that I wanted to share, and create a happy life. 8 years after my divorce, I met Connor.....who had also been in a failed marriage with a cold person....who had also "given up". It was almost instantaneous......we fell, hard, truly felt like we'd been waiting all of our lives for each other.....we were so PERFECT for one another....almost 5 years and we were still "giddy" with the knowledge that we'd been blessed with each other! I delighted in making every day a happy one....and loved caring for him, planning outings, trips, just anything that we could do together...surprising him with special things I'd find for him....I'm sure you know what I mean. FINALLY I could be "me".....and let all of the pent up love & longing for a real partnership flow freely & joyously! But now? I've no outlet.....my Connor is gone. No one to care for....no one to cherish......I had much much more left to give! I can cherish his memory,and I DO...but I need him here....

Brad, I definitely DO.......I don't think that will change, ever. We were almost like one entity. I can't wear Connor's wedding band (far too large and not a style that can be resized) on my finger, but have it on a chain I wear. And of course my engagement ring & wedding band I wear....outward symbol of my belief that we ARE still together....just separated for a time.

Kay, I very much like this.....reaching inside to where he still "is", and having that help you to go on....I'm going to remember that...thank you <3

Maybe it is just me (though I imagine not so!),but the worst, for me, is never again being another person's #1. We can have children who love us, others who truly love us, as well.....but they go on with their lives (as they should) and I am ALONE.....there is no other person to share life with, to just "be" with, who is first in your life and you are first in theirs. No one to count on being there for you when you get home from work after a bad day....to commiserate, cheer you up..to make plans with.... No one to give a damn whether you even COME home. I know others love me, and I cherish that....but I am no longer the "most" important person in another's life. Will always be secondary, or less.....just the way it is. Connor and I were so very close....I so miss his happy "Honey! You're home!" every day when I'd get home from work....and sharing the events of our day with one another. I was cherished, surrounded with his love and companionship.....no one will ever love me like that again! And THAT is what makes me feel the WORST. I feel like I am rambling....but maybe others feel this too?

I think that is the worst....can be doing "ok"...functioning, even thinking "hey I'm kinda okay right now"......then, nightfall.....the "alone-ness" hits, hard. That damned empty bed.....I HATE going to bed! I sit up until I'm nodding off, unable to stay awake.....trouble is, I am not exactly lonely, not from being alone, I am lonely (small word for a huge emotion) for ONE person, my Connor! So even surrounded by friends/family, still I will be lonely. It helps to be with others, yes.....but at best it is just a distraction, as soon as I am alone again, it hits.....and I just want Connor, no one else!

Welcome, Mary.....although I wish you did not have to be here! As the others have said, this is a "safe" place to speak of anything you wish, express any emotion you wish.....compassionate, caring people to be found. And, it helps.....so, welcome.

My heart goes out to each of you....our pain is never-ending, and that is the thought that frightens..."Will this NEVER end?" I've read, in other posts, that the rawness does fade....I'm desperately holding onto that faint hope. It is quite a terrible thing....to hope that your life will NOT be a long one, so that you can be free of this pain, and hopefully reunited with your beloved.

Tfer......what a horrible loss to bear....no words can bring you the comfort you need. I too, waited my lifetime for my husband, we also started life together in 2011, and it sounds as if we had very similar experiences....we lived our life to the fullest, even when we could ill afford it ....what a wonderful, magical time for us! He left this earth almost 8 weeks ago....and, like you, I'm finding the grief intolerable. It's pain, every single waking moment! But, in reading the many postings in this forum...I feel as if I have a place to vent my grief, to rage if need be....and the people here "get it"...they don't judge, because they DO understand, It helps. So, please....come here when you can....and perhaps in some of the postings, you will find something that helps, if only for a moment or two. Peace.

I definitely cannot listen to "our" music yet....we both loved music, when we were "courting" we would email song links to each other as a kind of dedication. We had our own playlist at our wedding reception of all of "our" special songs/music. It would hurt, too much, to hear those now. Maybe someday.....but somehow, I doubt that.

Butch....I can read, and sense your terrible pain in your post. Please come back, it may be hard to describe, but most here will "get it"....all I've found in this forum is acceptance, and compassion. And, it helps.....the abyss of hopelessness and despair is far too easy to fall into.....people here will try to help. Hope to see you back.

Thank you, everyone.....I feel reassured. Of course they know I am still early in my loss....so, you are correct I am sure they will accept & understand. I talked to my daughter today, and mentioned my concern to her, she just said, hey, if you need a private time, just give me a signal....if you'd like me to sit with you during, I will. And thanks, Marty....that is great advice regarding my grandgirls. Still a bit nervous....but you all have helped, much. And for the flights up there and back, I think I will bring sunglasses just in case....will be my first time for years flying alone....and Connor loved flying...so I will be missing him at that time, as well. It's one thing to weep amongst family.....but do not want to draw attention around strangers!

My family/friends in Michigan (I'm in FL, currently) surprised me with setting up a flight to be up there for Christmas. Due to work commitments, I've not been able to be "home for the holidays" in over a decade....and always felt "homesick". This first Christmas without my Connor, I knew it would be very difficult....my friends down here have family things going on, I'd planned on just being alone and probably spend the day bawling. I'm happy to be going, very...will be my first Christmas with my little grandgirls, as well......but a little apprehensive. Although I will find joy in being there, I am concerned that the griefbursts might hit...and I do NOT wish to put a damper on their holiday! What is the best way to handle this? I find it difficult to handle my crying jags now, home alone....I don't wish to make my family upset!

A good quote....those who have lost, "get it" immediately I detest mornings!

For me.....the worst times are not the nights (although those are bad enough), I exhaust myself so that I can fall asleep. For me, it is waking up...being in that bit of "limbo" between sleep and full consciousness....and reaching over, expecting to touch Connor....then awakening fully....and the reality, the grief, once again slams into me like a fist in the gut. Yet another day to try to get through without my beloved.....it seems interminable....the future.