WolfsKat

Thank you, Marty. I actually found both articles to be of help. Will be checking into the guided imagery. Good to know that all of the things happening are not impending psychosis but quite commonplace in grief. Thanks again!

Exactly.....I've a close friend with a "rollercoaster" relationship with her live-in BF.........I actually blew up at her one evening, telling her all the crap she was griping about was petty and she was lucky to HAVE someone to share life with! I'd give ANYTHING to have my Connor back to share my life, and she's b*tching about a uncapped toothpaste tube? I actually told her, would you consider this so damned important if he were to die tomorrow? Things are a bit strained between us now.....and I can't bring myself to care, which is sad.

Wow.....good to hear I am not the only one with memory lapses. I find it hard, very hard to focus.....and this is SO not "me"...or, at least the me I used to be before Connor left....I handled everything, always very efficient. Adding to that is a seeming inability to deal with stuff.....I tend to fall to pieces over the simplest things....it all starts to become overwhelming, and all I want to do is....I'm not sure, run, hide....I think perhaps what they term "panic attacks"? My heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to lose total control...very scary sensation. It will be ten weeks tomorrow that my Connor has been gone. Maybe this is "normal" at this stage?

So very sorry to see how much pain you have......wish I could make everyone in this forum happy (including myself)....but for most, anything short of a reunion with their mate does not cut it.....Am glad you got through Christmas "ok"....and wish for you some easing of the pain on the first.....keep coming here, it will help some!

I rather wish I could have a dream like that....just to feel him again,even if only in a dream state.

Oh, I've heard THAT one too much already!!! A reason? If there IS a "reason", I would have to think that Connor's death was to punish/torment him, me, BOTH of us! Or, this one...."The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away".......how in the hell does anyone think this is even remotely comforting? I swear.....in times of loss, far too many people "open mouth, insert foot"......a simple "I am so sorry for your loss" is enough.....we have no need to be fed platitudes. Marty gives some good advice above, bless her! But, yeah.....I've had to work at not letting hurtful (to me) remarks anger/upset me.

This came to me in a email.....it touched me & inspired me, so I want to share it with all of you. Christmas Story: For the Man Who Hated Christmas By Nancy W. Gavin It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past ten years. It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas. Oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it – overspending and the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma – the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else. Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was on the wrestling team at the school he attended. Shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them." Mike loved kids – all kids. He so enjoyed coaching little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes, and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed a small, white envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done, and that this was his gift from me. Mike's smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year. And that same bright smile lit up succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition – one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The white envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning, and our children – ignoring their new toys – would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the small, white envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree. And the next morning, I found it was magically joined by three more. Unbeknownst to the others, each of our three children had for the first time placed a white envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing to take down that special envelope. Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit will always be with us.

Hollowheart, I am so very sorry that you are sick! I hope you will recover rapidly, and hopefully, have at least some good feeling come your way this Christmas! Bless you, and take good care of yourself, you are worth it!!! Kat

Thank you, Kay! Oh wow, that had to be a helluva storm! So sorry you have to deal with that damage....but I admire that you are not letting it get to you overmuch. And I SO know what you mean about just wanting to call your mom....I still have that urge, to want to just pick up that phone and get her wise counsel on so many things, her understanding and reassurance!

I'm leaving this early evening on the start of my Christmas journey back "home" to Michigan.....staying at a hotel near the airport tonight and flying out in early morning tomorrow. It will feel so very strange to be flying alone! I have some trepidation, I've been kind of a hermit since Connor's passing.....it will be a bit daunting to be out in public so much, if that's understandable. But overall, I am looking forward to seeing my kids, grandkids, and other family/friends, I've not been with them for Christmas for a decade. Will be bittersweet without Connor, I'm a bit worried about getting overly weepy/emotional, but everyone tells me not to worry, they will understand, and they want me there, very much. So off I go, shaky nerves & all....!!!!

I understand that! I'm in Florida (aka God's Waiting Room) and while the park I live in is nice/safe, it IS a "seniors" park (55 & up) and I'm about 15+ years younger than the majority of residents. Not uncommon to see an ambulance in the park (everyone follows in golf carts to see whom it's for)......always hearing of someone who has passed....the newsletter that lists the ones who've died either here or back up north (many are snowbirds) or are currently in hospital. And, while most here are very pleasant people, a lot of busybodys as well.....I had ladies we never even knew query me on my new widowhood....wanting the "juicy details"....I went through a period of not leaving my home until very late night to avoid these types. So I can easily understand why you'd prefer to live in a mixed age environment!

I can sure relate to that.....the not being suicidal but welcoming death.....as it does feel, much of the time, that I AM already dead, in many respects. I had a few "scares" a year ago, tumors....thyroid/breast....turned out benign.....we were overjoyed! But, honestly? If I discovered tumors again? I very much doubt I'd do anything about them...would take my chances. I just see a future that will be too damn hard to live in without Connor. We'd hoped we'd die together (but old).....we each knew how hard it would be for the one left to go on, we were so very close. I hope this feeling eases, for my family's sake....my kids are so very worried about me, they are over a thousand miles away though. I just hope they know, if something were to happen to me....that while sad to leave them, I would be ecstatic to be reunited with my beloved Connor!

I've usually only posted in the "Spouses" section.....but, in addition to my beloved husband, who left this world October 21st, this will also be my first Christmas without my amazing Mom,who left me February 1st. So, kind of a double, no, triple whammy as I also lost my big brother in July. I HATE 2015. This is definitely the WORST year of my entire life! I am trying to think of ways to honor them on Christmas....if out of my grief, I can perhaps do something good for others in their memory, maybe it will help with the incessant anguish of losing them.....even if not, at least something good will be done in their honor.

Wow....this topic makes me think. Not sure if it's such a huge thing, but I'm starting to really look around me and "downsize"...I've really accumulated too much "stuff". Going through items to donate to a local community center that assists people in need ( I mean, do I really NEED 10 towel sets?).....also, once I get all the red tape & legal stuff accomplished, I intend to start selling on eBay once again.....have not for a few years, and I'm pretty good at it. And now the extra money would be very helpful. So maybe this qualifies as improvement?

I like that, Brad! Connor and I felt we were each other's "gifts"...so instead of gifts to one another, we make up "goody bags" w/a Christmas card (anonymously signed, and simply addressed "To YOU!"), Christmas candy and scratch-off lottery tickets.....put into Ziploc bags, and then we drive all over town, taping them up in public places (gas pumps are a favorite)....our "random acts of kindness"....we got such a kick out of doing this, I've always hoped somebody won big! I am continuing this, and will in the future, in Connor's memory....I may be crying when I go out alone to do it this year, but I want to carry on our little tradition in his honor....I think Connor will be smiling down at me.

Thank you, very much! I went back & read your post about the meeting....WOW!!! I am so hoping for a good reading....will hope & pray that I've chosen well.

I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster myself.....had a few days when I felt ok....not good, but "ok". Then last night it just hit me, hard.....no warning....intense grief, longing for my Connor, NEEDING him right then, right there, hopeless, helpless....sobbing for hours until I actually threw up from it, That was a new one. I know I am in the early stages....but already I am terrified of always feeling just this way....just the thought is unbearable! I will be going back to work mid-January, already I am stressing out as to how I will be able to cope there. It is NOT the sort of workplace that would have any sympathy for "griefbursts".

Oh Kay... Your story brought me to tears.....how bloody awful that this happened to you!!! That man was/is evil, pure and simple! He'll have to answer for it someday....but you, unfortunately, are left with the bitterness of what he brought into your life. I'm glad you are able to write about it here....it definitely serves as a cautionary tale for others. I hope that you will be able, somehow, to get from under your burden of debt, such a high price to pay for trusting someone when you were fragile emotionally. Bless you for sharing.

Hello Persie Oh wow....ANYONE would be overwhelmed with all you've had thrown at you! I was caretaker for my father before he passed, he also had dementia/Alzheimer's....it was so horrible to see the "real" him slowly slip away. It's so very hard on all involved. I can imagine that it had to be difficult to uproot out of your home, as well. You have had just so many stressors within a short space of time! Be as kind as possible to yourself...take care of YOU, as well. I hope for the best of outcomes both for your hip surgery and for your husband.....be well and please come back and vent anytime you can. Peace.

I've been doing a lot of online "research" as to finding a trustworthy medium.......I've decided, that when I receive my income tax refund, that I will set up a phone reading with one that appears to be very gifted, with many accolades. After looking at sooooooo many websites, and so many referrals, something about this woman just resonated with me. And she has impeccable "credentials", so to speak, from various institutes and such....and, interestingly enough, the fee is quite a bit lower than most. I just wish to make a connection....reassurance that he passed peacefully and is happy...and, I admit it, that he loves & misses me still. Connor and I actually set up a few code words/phrases that only we know...in the event one of us passed, to be used as validation if the one left behind sought a medium. And this woman does NOT want any info from you....just yes/no answers to verify "who" has come through for you...and says she can NOT "guarantee" that you will get the one you wish, she is merely a conduit. That seems to be a fairly common practice w/many of these mediums...the legitimate ones, at least. So.....when the time comes, I will do this with an open heart/mind....a hint of skepticism....and hopes for a healing experience!

Brad, that sounds like a lovely tradition to start......and I am sure your Deedo was with you during the performance! You mentioned in your post the White Mountains....is it the White Mountains in New Hampshire? My husband was born/raised there, and often spoke of those mountains, he loved to hike there.....we'd planned on going there together, someday. I like that you are starting a new tradition....I'm at a loss to think of one for myself....but I think it would be a good and healing thing to do....thank you for sharing!

Thank you, Kay and Anne.....I appreciate what you posted, so much! Had a "pity party" day today....crying jags, missing Connor SO terribly much....your postings help cheer me up. Bless you both.

I had surgery (outpatient) the 8th of this month, almost exactly 8 weeks after I lost my beloved Connor. While I had a wonderful friend stay with me through it (had to, I was not allowed to come & have it done alone) and stay with me for the first 24 hours post-op...and check in on me daily thereafter, it definitely hits home just HOW much you are very alone! Connor would've fussed over me, looked after me, worried about me....and be my cheerleader in recuperation (still ongoing). The post-op pain I have medication for.....but the awful feeling of being so very alone while incapacitated there is no pill for. I can take care of my basic needs fairly well...but I guess we all like having someone at hand who loves you and wants to "take care" of you. As was mentioned in a previous posting, grief is harder when we are sick, and also makes us feel even more vulnerable!

I will look forward to hearing how this went for you, Harleyquinn....I hope you will post here about the experience?

Just curious......has anyone ever consulted, or considered consulting a "medium"? I'd like to hear others opinions on this? Not planning on this, really....just....curious.