WolfsKat

Dear Marg I admit, too, that the fear that suicide just might preclude me from joining Connor factored into my thinking in the early days.......perhaps as a punishment? I'd even gone so far as to search the internet for answers to my question, "will God forgive suicide". I was that distraught, and feeling horribly trapped in a world without Connor......one I did NOT wish to live in! While I did not voice this aloud to anyone, apparently, it showed, as my close friends were actually concerned I would "do something stupid"....hence keeping a very close eye on me for many days. Your threat of suicide should not cause you ANY shame.....it was your loss that created the situation in which you made that threat. We are so, so very fragile emotionally, especially when in the early stage.....and that can easily intensify, and magnify any problems we are having, such as yours in feeling that family was not giving you any peace, and having to deal with the drama. You had become overwhelmed by it.....and the threat was your cry of "ENOUGH"! Marg, again....please never feel ashamed to relate things like this, you know that none here will judge you, and many will understand, compassionately, as I do. You are not a weak woman.....you are an honest one, sharing with us part of your ongoing struggle to live this new life! I wish you strength and peace!

It's been a full month since this initial post. Since being up "home" for the holidays, I've come to realize just how much I'd be missed....and how much my children, although grown, still need me in their lives, even long distance. They are still reeling from my Mom's death this past February (she was very beloved) and Connor's death in October. While I'm finding it hard to find joy in my everyday existence.....I am no longer having wishes for a quick death to rejoin my Connor......I love my kids so very much, how could I wish for my passing, when it would inflict this terrible burden of grief upon them? If it happens naturally, so be it.....but I'm no longer actively praying for death to come for me, and taking care of myself a bit better. I guess this is a good step in this process.....although I know I'll still think, oh how wonderful it would be to rejoin Connor NOW, from time to time.

Dear HH.......SO sorry you are getting hit so hard...scream, cry, punch pillows.....howl to the moon if it lessens the pain! Sometimes just letting it all flow can help, bottling it up creates a powder keg, I've found out the hard way. You have it very hard having to cope with both your own grief, your mom's, and the worry over being her caretaker. There are resources for those who have to deal with being a caretaker....support groups exist for those persons, your mother's doctor might be of assistance in this. If you truly feel you are not able to handle the role....there is help out there, it does not necessarily have to be only you responsible. As this seems to be a scenario that has not yet come to pass, please try to not overthink it and project into a future that's not arrived as yet.......and, yes, I KNOW that is difficult to do! As the others have said......just take it hour to hour, day to day.....and, BREATHE.......I hope, and pray, that you feel some easing of your pain, and some solace in the very, very near future....Peace to you.

My niece sent me this......it definitely is true for me.....wanted to share with others. (No author was listed)

Thanks, Brad! Actually had a good rest this past evening.....grateful for it, makes me feel "stronger". I mentioned the idea of shared living arrangements to some of my friends & family....they were also in agreement that such a situation would be advantageous to so many of us struggling to deal with the issues we face. I think it would work best, possibly....for those who are pretty much sure that the possibility of another relationship is not in their fairly immediate future (of course, one can't accurately say 100% sure....but, I think you get the premise). When I do move to Michigan, I'm going to do my best to make such an arrangement for myself. Not just for my personal benefit, but also for my potential "housemate"...but I sure wish there were a "matching site" for such a thing, with potential housemates already vetted and background checked, etc.!!! My sister suggested that perhaps a good source of potential housemates would be a local widows/widowers support group......as I stated before, intriguing concept!

Dear Darrell I dreaded the return to my home, also....just the thought of walking in, the first time, knowing my Connor would never, ever be coming back here, terrified me. Luckily, 2 of my closest friends came with me, one even spent the night.....just to be sure I'd not have to deal with that initial pain alone. I won't lie to you....it was hard. All of his things, right where he'd left them.....still his clothing in the laundry hamper....his side of the bed still rumpled. All of the traces of him....but he was gone, forever. Everywhere I turned, I'd find some reminder of him, it seemed....and it sliced into my soul. After a while, it became a bit easier....sometimes even comforting, to be in the place we'd made a home in. I'm still here, now. Eventually, slowly, I began the rather awful process of sorting through things.....I had it in my mind that I wanted to find things of his that had meaning to him, to be given to close friends and his siblings as a remembrance of Connor. Of course, the things that were dearest to me I will keep forever. I donated much of his clothing to a organization that assists homeless veterans (he was a Navy vet) as I just could not bear looking at his clothing hanging next to mine, each and every morning. Darrell....you are the only one who truly knows how best you want to do this. I'd definitely encourage you to not go back to your apartment alone the first time....have a close friend, or family member with you. It's not going to be easy, but nothing in this terrible experience of grieving is. Some people get comfort from staying where they had a home with the one they lost....others find it a continual heartache. It will take time for you to know into which of those groups you are. A note of caution....my first thought was to flee....just have someone pack up everything for me....get another place, a place with no reminders. My sister gently talked me "down" from that panicked idea. She accurately realized that I was trying to run & escape from the pain of it all.....and the pain would've just went with me. She was correct....it would've been a huge mistake if I'd done that. I would tell you.....give it time...if after moving back in for a while, you truly feel as if it would be better for you to start anew in a different place, then do so. But do that in a thoughtful, considered, and rational way......don't let anyone pressure you....and especially, do not pressure yourself. Only you will know what is right for you. Peace.

I've tried all of those.....none seemed to do the trick....or perhaps it is a cumulative effect? I go to the doctor for a post-op checkup Thursday.....he's a orthopedic surgeon but aware of my recent loss (I had to postpone the surgery due to Connor's hospitalization and death)...hoping perhaps he can prescribe something for me....I did take Trazadone for about a month, and it helped with taking the edge off the anxiety and enabling some sleep....no ill effects that I noted. But, I admit, it was my husband's medication....I'd remembered he had told me it had very few problems associated with it, and I was desperate enough to take it. But when it was gone......wham.....hit again within a few days!

And she was always, always such a classy lady! Even with the tremors, she still exuded that classiness and wonderful sense of self.....and I would bet you are every bit the same....it shines through!!!

Oh, how Connor and I both loved music!!!! I know this sounds weird, but, I can't listen to music now.....just can't. We used music, early on....to communicate with one another.....would send each songs that gave a voice to how we felt for the other....and always listened to music together. He also sang well, and loved taking part in karaoke.....if I hear any of this music now......I lose it. And music has been a huge part of me my whole life.....the joy in that is also gone, now.

Gwenivere.....one of the harder things I did, was to read the letter my daughter quickly emailed to me, to be read to Connor in ICU when we knew he was leaving, soon. He had not regained consciousness (and never did). It was such a beautiful, poignant letter....in it she thanked him for treating her as his own daughter, told him all the ways she loved him, and thanked him for "making my Mom so happy....you mean the world to her, and I know you loved her just as intensely" And she wrote of how much he would always be loved, and missed. He gave no appearance of hearing, but, I read it out loud to him.....it was hard, but......she wished me to do that, and I so hope he heard it......would've meant SO much to him! She could not get there in time (lives over 1000 miles away, and he went from bad....to gone, quickly) and she wanted him to know how much he'd meant to her, to us.

Someone, somewhere....should come up with a site where like-minded persons can enable such a living situation.....I think it would take off like gangbusters!!! Background checks, definitely.....extensive questionaires regarding habits/expectations/compatibility....I'd certainly utilize such a site!

Thanks, Brad.......actually got a good,solid 5 hours in.....enough for me, more than I've usually gotten lately! Whether it was the pill, or just sheer exhaustion I've no idea....but grateful for it...yay for sleep!

I would not call it "inappropriately".......with as closely linked as you two were, it's totally understandable that you will still think of it as "us".....after years of feeling that way, hard to shut that sense of "us" off like turning off a spigot!!! And, Gin? The good people here will never, ever "tire of listening"......I hope you do what you have to do this day with a minimum of pain.....praying for comfort & strength for you.

Dear Darrell Welcome to this forum....and my sincere sympathy that there is a need for it. Your grief is so new, so very raw right now....it can feel totally bewildering, frightening, surreal.....it's as if you just cannot wrap your brain around the totality of the loss. You'll go over and over those last days, thinking that there is SOMETHING you could have/should have done differently....the answer to that, has to be NO. You did exactly what felt right at the time, with the purest of intentions.....so, you should not beat yourself up with guilt. We all have too many painful emotions to deal with....guilt should be dropped from those, immediately. Try not to think, too far, into the new and now, intimidating future without your Andrea....of course, everything will be colored with your memories of her....but in time, it will become easier. You'll eventually rebuild your life, because you, none of us really, have no other choice than to do so. The hardest part is making a life without the ones we lost....the absence of them claws at our souls.....it can seem very daunting to build this "new" life....when it is taking place in a future we don't like living in, now. I've got no "magic answers".....none of us do....but much good advice and caring in the previous posts. There are also many good articles and links also. Grief is not "one size fits all"....so each of us have to find our own way to deal with it in a way that works for us.....but the tools are available for help....and some things are quite common among us, there you can realize that any feelings, thoughts, fears....are "normal". No one here will EVER judge you.....all I've found is compassion, and a lot of wisdom, and it helps me to come to this site, very much. Please come back as often as you need or wish to......you'll always be welcomed! Peace.

Always good, in my mind, to plan travel in advance if one can! Although I'm also a proponent of the "Let's just hit the road and see where we wind up" way,as well. And not so premature.....will perhaps give you a "focus"....something we all need, I think. But big yes to winter tires!!!

Thanks Brad......trying! 11 p.m. and it's still eluding me.....only got perhaps 4 hours before....and spent in nightmares. Just took a valium that a friend gave me.....hoping it does the trick, sleep deprivation intensifies the inability to cope. Thanks for your good wishes!!! Kat

Dear Janice WOW! And here I thought I'd had a original idea! I've actually been ruminating on JUST such a concept!!! I've said as much to my friends, family....don't think they quite "get it". Personally, here is what I think I'd like for myself. A shared living arrangement, splitting the bills. I lean towards thinking I would rather share with a widower, just seems like it might be advantageous for both. And, I do NOT mean "roomies w/benefits"......no hanky panky, 100% platonic, only. Separate bedrooms (and hopefully bathrooms), additional guest room.....share common quarters such as living room, kitchen, laundry, etc. Each to have their privacy when desired. I'd even do all the cooking, I dearly love to cook for others, not much fun for one. And, of course, each would understand the other in terms of their grief. Obviously, both would have to discuss ground rules & such....and ascertain they would be a good fit. There should be some sort of "matching" site for this....it would help both with financial aspects and emotional support....and loneliness. Intriguing, to say the least.

Brad, you are so very right. Grief mugs a person......sneaks in like a ninja attack. It certainly has to be the very WORST of all human emotions.....and it can control every facet of your being! I'd not wish this agony on my worst enemy!

I could likely afford medication....generic version, of course.....it's "mental health" visits that would be totally out of the question, financially....even a office visit to my GP is $175.00 paid upfront before you see him! A specialist visit is about $300 to $350.....it's crazy. You either have to be very rich or very poor to be able to get healthcare, it seems.....I'm "working poor".....the few low-cost clinics nearby will only take you if you have NO insurance at all....and I do have insurance, but it only kicks in AFTER I pay $5000.00 out of pocket, and then only 70%. Smh.......

Oh yeah.......2:57 a.m......I've been up since 4 a.m. yesterday......I'm exhausted, but 3 attempts to lie down & sleep just turned into weep fests.....my brain won't shut up.

Going to try....although, like you, I still think I prefer the :"real thing". But have to admit, it might be a mite easier at times, and would be able to access internet/email from it, as well.

I hope no one takes this the wrong way....but I actually do a lot of my crying while on this site. So much so, I stopped getting Kleenex and now keep a roll of Charmin at hand (cheaper and just as soft)......I think it is because I feel safe enough here, to let it flow. I know.....kinda odd.

I guess I should mention, that in my 20's, for awhile, I had agoraphobic symptoms and anxiety attacks. I could not take medication for it as I was pregnant at the time. But after a few months after I had my baby, I rec'd medication......it went away....but I have no memory of what I'd been prescribed. Only that it worked. That was over 30 years ago. I thought that demon was dead......now I am remembering, with clarity, how bloody horrible those feelings were.....and back again, on top of everything else? I "have" to be able to function.....I have to work.....no choice. But now very scared of it all crashing back, at a time when there is little fight in me to deal with it. Scary.

Allison......I am so very sorry that you have had this happen.....I "get" all you posted, especially the part about WHY this happened, when all you wanted was to be allowed to love each other....I've said the same, almost verbatim! It is so very difficult to know we will survive.....but in a reality we hate, one without our beloved husband. I'm still pretty "new".....but I can affirm that this is a good source of comfort, and help....it is literally one of the few things keeping me relatively sane, coming here and learning from many wonderful people also on this nightmare of a journey. Although I wish you had no reason to be here.....welcome.

One of my "things" in this grief has been struggling with some feelings of agoraphobia.....I think that is what it is termed. Feel anxiety leaving the house.....sometimes even stepping outdoors. For months now, I've had a friend pick up whatever I needed at the store & bring it to me, rather than face going out. Part of it was just plain pain at first, but that's pretty much gone now, since the surgery. And I honestly was too messed up to drive the last week or so while Connor was in hospital and his subsequent death....my friend actually took off work to be with me (she had fears I'd kill myself) Also my car had totally broken down, and no money to fix. A good friend, retired mechanic, has patched up the car enough so that I can safely drive it (but says don't go on a long trip) but can't say how much longer it will run for certain. But I've still had anxiety. Today I forced myself to drive to the gas station, pick up a few things, and to pick up a friend who needed a ride home from work. I did okay. But...as soon as I pulled into my drive after returning home, I started shaking, barely made it into the house when I went into full blown hysterical crying. Not sure if it's a delayed reaction, or the fact that it so seemed Connor should be there, calling out "Honey, you're home!" as he always did. This does not bode well. I'm supposed to return to work a week from today. I'm stressing it so much. I've been gone almost 4 months. Trying to wrap my mind around being gone 8 hour workdays....home is the only place I feel safe, if that makes sense. And, have not been back to work since Connor left. What I always looked forward to, and happily anticipated, was returning home to him after my workday.....hearing that, "Honey, you're home!"........he always seemed so happy!!!!! Won't have that. I think it will hit, hard.....scared of what may come. I wish, and think I need, counseling....or a shrink, whatever.....maybe meds.....but my insurance does not cover....(thanks, Walmart). Well, it does cover 70%, AFTER I pay a $5000.00 deductible.......yeahhhh righttttt. No clinics or such in this tiny town. Really really dreading this......it looms very large. Hope someone here can tell me this will pass on it's own??????