Cookie

Gin:  Yes, you are allowed to be grumpy.  I can relate to the tinted lens thing.  No matter what I do, even when I'm seemingly happy, laughing, etc., inside I'm not really right and have this constant sorrow that shades everything.  It is alarming to me sometimes.  It causes me anxiety because I start wondering if I'll ever really be content again.  I remember what it used to be like to feel that....oh, I miss it so much, miss John.....anyway, I can relate to you Gin.  This is so hard.....thanks for all the input on sleep aids.  I will keep trying.  I have a yearly physical coming up in a week and will talk to my doctor about it.  I guess I feel a little hesitant to do that because it's been 21 months and I feel like she'll think I should be doing better.  But, she hasn't lost her dear husband.....Cookie

Brad:  I hate taking meds too but I am getting over that I guess.  Yes, insurance companies don't make any sense usually.  I thought I would talk to my doctor about something else to try....did I mention that I tried some of John's promethazine, which is an antinausea medication, and it seemed to help, but I don't know if they will prescribe it for sleep.  Anyway, back to the drawing board.  If you find anything wonderful, let me and all of us know.....Cookie

18 hours ago, Brad said:

I've used the tips in the article for the past year.  No coffee past noon, a ton of meditation apps dealing with sleep, no alcohol (doctors won't let me - even as I travel Italy and France ) I do just about everything on the list and for the most part, it works; and then I hit spells like this one.  

While I was writing this WebMD just posted a slideshow on foods that effect drugs and I learned dark chocolate can cancel the effects of sleep medications: "Dark chocolate, in particular, can weaken the effects of drugs meant to calm you down or make you sleep, like zolpidem tartrate (Ambien). It also can boost the power of some stimulant drugs, like methylphenidate (Ritalin). And if you take an MAO inhibitor, used to treat depression, it can make your blood pressure dangerously high".  

But I can't blame dark chocolate although I wish I could.  Oh well, this too will pass.  The drug that works best for me is Remeron but then I sleep eight to nine hours a night and eat too much.  I don't like that.  I may need to do a short course just to get back to not waking up every sixty to ninety minutes.

Oh, traveling Italy and France without wine(!)......I think they have some really good ones over there.  I'm sure you'll have a great time anyway.  Did you ever sleepwalk with Ambien?  That makes me a little nervous.  I have the apps to help you sleep and they put me to sleep but don't keep me there.  I can see that a lot of people are having the same problem with sleep that I am....I feel for all of you, but get a little comfort knowing I am not alone in this...(sorry)

Kayc:  That is exactly what I have trouble with, staying asleep and always waking up with anxiety.  It's getting so tiring after 21 months and I wonder if it will ever get better.  I feel like it would help so much if I could just sleep well at night....as I'm sure you do to.  I am going to ask about the trazodone....Thanks, Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 4:42 PM, mittam99 said:

No doubt people just don't understand...

I work with a woman who insists that "it's been two years and you definitely need someone in your life". Insists that she knows what is and isn't good for me. Even has the "perfect woman" in mind for me. Mind you, she's a widow herself. I have no doubt that, for her, finding a new love did the trick. But, like I told her, we're all different. We all do things at our own pace and in a way that's best for us. Still she persisted in telling me what I need and finally I had enough.

I told her in no uncertain terms to "drop it".

SMH... (shaking my head).

Mitch:  No, people don't understand.  I think I want new love, but what I've come to realize is I want the love I had back....I'm so glad you told her to DROP IT!  Cookie

5 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Going over things that might have given us a different outcome in the loss of our spouses is a total waste of our healing energy. We cannot change anything. We also know that they would want us to go on.  One thing that we can say in our defense of grieving as long as we need to: Yes, our loved ones would want us to go on, but they would not have knowledge as to how very HARD it would be.  Yes, us younger widows do have a life with so many possibilities, but we also have a longer time to have that absence; that void that cannot be filled. Each journey is individual and some people heal quicker, move forward at a quicker pace.  Timelines for grief only exist for those who are not in the midst of it. We are all entitled to grieve as deep and as long as is necessary for each of us.  But one thing we need to remember is that even in our grief, we need to keep some motion forward. If we shut all the windows and doors and seal them up, pull down all the blinds and sit in the dark, how is light ever going to enter again?  Of course our first response is to turn away from it...that we are grieving and there should be NO light.  But in all matters of being a human being, life DOES find a way.  When you are in the first deep days ,weeks months of grief, you do not wish to see it and do not feel it is right to even want it.  But that little voice you hear that says, "hey, take a walk outside" comes from our loved ones trying to encourage us.  When we are deep in our grief, it is harder to hear or feel them trying to reach us.  We KNOW they do not leave us; who else would want to give us the comfort we need.  They can't take the hurt away, but they can stay near us and keep trying to send us thoughts, and messages and something to continue to guide us.  Think back (if you can) to that first time that you REALLY smiled...something brought that smile out. We were open enough, had let go of that grief for a moment or two, and they slipped in next to us and helped us see it.  Their spirit no longer holds the heaviness and burdens they had while they were with us; illness and pain are gone and they are completely filled with LOVE and they want us to have a part of that, even in their absence.  I am not sure where all these thoughts are coming from, but respect everyone on this forum enough to say it.  Many of us lost our spouses within the same time frame.  We cannot say or believe we are happy on this new journey.  But there has been a moving forward, and a level of acceptance that we can live with.  That is not to say that we do not find ourselves back in that dark place.  Our journey will NEVER be a straight line.  It does NOT mean we do not miss our loved ones each minute of every day, and would give anything to turn back the clock.  We know how hard it is to want the one thing we can NEVER have.  But that love we have for them still...it helps keep us going.  The first question we asked right after the loss was "how can I survive without them?".  The answer turns out to be "how can we not?"

Froggie4635:  I hate to say this, but I still ask myself how I can survive without him; not every minute, but often enough.  I am having some hard days; don't really know why.  It's been 21 months, but still.....I do still do everything like I did from the get go, but my heart is not in most of it.  I do smile, have laughs, etc., but always back to the same sorrow eventually and wondering how much longer I have here.  The only advantage I can see in being older is that I probably have less time left on this earth.  I would like it to be great again, full of love, but wonder how a 67-year-old widow is going to achieve that, especially the companion part.  I'm not giving up, just saying most of the time I feel less than excited about life now.  Of course, you want to hear that will change....if only.  I used to love life and be very content in it...God, I would give anything to go back there.....but, trying to keep moving forward, hoping for new joy and hoping I will eventually come to just be able to feel joy over what I had and not have it associated with so much pain and yearning.....Cookie

1 minute ago, Marg M said:

The issue of sleep from you all has me terrified.  Another night like last night and I have no idea what I will do.  I have my sleeping potion.  When they gave me clonidine for blood pressure years ago, it would make me very sleepy.  So, I asked could I take it at night.  I used to take the Tylenol PM, as did Billy, and for years they have helped.  Sometimes just reading until I got sleepy would help, but that was when Billy was sleeping beside me.  Suddenly, nighttime became my enemy.  No sleep at all if I do not take something.  And believe me when I say this, I do not want my mind to race.  So, I take my clonidine and a Xanax.  I sleep.  Without it, I am on my Kindle at 2:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m., like this morning.  

And, I tell myself that at my age many people use a crutch to walk.  I do not want to try to sleep without my crutch.  I am not ready for it.  I do not want to question how weak a person I am for using a crutch, it works, I don't care what people think as long as it works.  Maybe we all have a problem with sleep now.  Or maybe it is like that Walmart checker told her husband "if you were on your feet working 16 hours a day you could sleep too."  I personally do not want to work again, I put in my time.  So many battles to fight, nice if there is one we will not fight.  I do not deny being a coward about some things.

Marg:  I agree with you but still have that feeling that I'm doing something wrong if I use something to sleep.  I will drink a glass of wine in the evening and then sometimes take a lorazepam, which helps a lot.  I know, they say you're not supposed to do that, but like you I need something, anything to sleep once in a while.  Does anyone know about trazodone.  I know it's a really old antidepressant but they use it to help people sleep it sounds like.  Boy, this is a mess sometimes.....

All of you:  It is so comforting to read your posts because so many of the things said I can relate to.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only one.  It will be 2 years for me in June, and sometimes it seems harder in ways.  The sleeping thing has been difficult, especially the waking up off and on all night.  I have tried lorazepam, but that doesn't keep me asleep.  Melatonin did not work for me either.  I tried some of John's old promethazine, and it does work some.  It is several years old, so I was going to talk to my doctor about it.  Also, I've heard trazodone works for sleep and you don't have to take it regularly like usual antidepressants.  Anyway, it is very disconcerting to be waking up all night.  I did have a couple of years before John died of waking up a lot at night with him because he was having so much trouble swallowing and breathing.  I wondered if I might have conditioned myself to do that. 

Brad, I think your trip sounds wonderful.  You will have a good time I am sure.  I also have trouble making plans and feel so conflicted about everything these days, and it is worse than the first year.  I am thinking that the first year was still numbing and now it is all settling in for real. 

I keep hiking, doing yoga, going to Ubuntu (a music group), etc., but think it might be a while before things become balanced again, if ever.  Good wishes to all of you....Cookie

Getting ready to do the interview....will let you all know how it goes

19 hours ago, Gin said:

gwen,

Just wondering how you are feeling.  There was some snow here and I decided to stay home and shovel.  It really should have gone to the health club or store or something.  I don't  do well just staying by myself all day.  The day seems like 100 hours long.  Lots of snow expected tonight, but if it is at all doable, I am out of here.  Shovel first.  Hope you feel a little better.

Gin:  As I said to Gwen's post, I agree that the days and nights are too long.  Being alone a lot is really hard, but being around people can be hard too.  It is a distraction at times.  I am getting snow here in NC today.  It always depresses me because it's hard to get out if I do want to...I live on a fairly steep driveway. 

Gwenivere:  I agree with days and nights being too long.....

Marg:  I got in touch with them and they said they had amended it to 18-7'something or 80.  Anyway, I might participate. 

Mitch:  You are special from what I can tell.  You have offered me hope several times.  I can relate to you and Gin.  I also feel so alone with the problems of my house and just navigating life alone.  My husband built our house and knew it inside and out and loved doing the repairs, etc.  I am a poor replacement for that.  I know nothing about this stuff and every time something happens, I feel so incompetent and wonder how long I can stand this.  I also manage to keep going, but, yes, you just wonder how much more you can take.  I felt so bad for you after reading your list.  I have huge property management issues.  I cannot keep it all up myself and every spring need to find someone I can afford to help me.  I intend to sell this place at some point, but for now I can't mobilize to do it.  I am slowly trying to do something with all his tools and all the things he stored in the barn that he was going to use someday on some project.  I have solar panels, solar storage tank, fencing, pedestal since, tons of jacks, etc.  I could go on and on.  It is overwhelming.....I wish a good resolution to this for all of us.  Know that you matter to me here in this forum....fondly, Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 4:57 PM, Marg M said:

Gin, Cookie, here is a direct quote from a friend, all my life, the one who told me i would find myself now.  "the girl I remember was a cute little thing. She had fun and made other people laugh and be happy. Smiling as some of our antics. Your personality was so wonderful."  Okay, I used to know that girl too.  Sorry folks "Alice does not live here anymore."  You know what I say?  That girl left when Billy left.  I sorta miss her at times, but I don't think she is coming back.  Maybe even if I had been 50.  But, I got to keep him so long, I prefer that to good time Charlie.  I'm okay.

You know, after our kids got grown we still felt guilty going out to eat without them.  We were just that type of people.  I have not reached the point yet where I can have fun without him.  

Marg:  I know what you mean.  I could see where that comment about who you used to be could make you sad.  It probably would me.  My daughter actually said a few months after my husband died that she wanted her strong mother back.  That hurt a lot, hurt because I felt like something was taken from me against my will and left me floundering and I still don't feel like I'm getting that part of me back.  I don't think my daughter meant it to hurt; she was hurt herself and truthfully wanted me to be who I was.  This all seems so mean....like what did we do to deserve this.  Saw another clip from Celion Dion (who actually I love) with her being so strong and saying "the show must go on."  I wonder if she knows how hard that is for another widow who is not doing so well to hear.  I am happy she is so strong; just wish I was too.....

15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Brad,

I saw a great video yesterday and I will try and see if I can find it again on you tube.  It talks about how men and women process grief.  The gist of it is that we both have the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions but that most men are not taught to be attuned and in touch with them.  Emotions are not perceived masculine but rather weak.  Grief bring all of those out and we either, stuff them back down, drown them with addictive behavior or we just don't know what to do with them.

Men tend to not trust their emotions and ignore or suppress them.  sensitive men are considered to be gay or just weird.  

I have gone through several periods like "It feels like I'm living in two different worlds", "Doing time ", "being punished",  Dragging through time", etc...  

My moods and feelings are affected by health, sleep, food, alcohol, exercising, vitamins, taking care of myself, Gratitude list, prayer, thankfulness, expectations, weather, etc....

The distance from the head to the heart is what drives my thoughts and feelings.  I do best when I can just focus on now without too much internal expectations of what I need in order to be happy or content.  It is a continuing work in progress.  - Shalom 

Actually George, I have to say that I feel more in tune with men's behavior.  I come from a family where showing your emotions is not considered a good thing; there is much impatience with it, so I am constantly pushing it away and feeling bad about feeling it.  My sister said to me, "remember that Polish gypsy blood you have in you and live up to it.  We come from strong stock."  I guessed I missed out....I have gotten so much flak for still being unsteady about losing John, like there must be something wrong with me and that is as a woman.  So, I kind have developed two people...the one everyone thinks is doing so well and the one who still feels in turmoil, said, lost and wondering how I can go on.  It becomes a strange existence....hoping to integrate the two at some time....fondly, Cookie

16 hours ago, Brad said:

I've struggled with this dichotomy this weekend.  Overall things are better than they have been in the past but I still need to stop looking at the grieving times as setbacks or failures.  As I've mentioned previously, I have periods where I feel as if I am gaining a handle on things.  I've gone weeks at times without tears; then I'll have days like yesterday and today where the skies are gray and so am I.  The funk persists and then a trigger: a song, a storyline in a novel, an article, a movie scene; and suddenly I find myself sobbing like I haven't done in a month or more.  Cognitively, I know this is grief; the nature of the beast, but then the heart kicks in and I feel like it's a setback, a failure.  It is so hard to reorient one's thought processes to accommodate the irrational.  

Brad:  You are describing exactly what is happening to me...and I do think some of the problem that I see it as a failure or setback.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  I will also go long periods without crying and then start missing him so much, which makes me cry.  I don't feel refreshed after I cry, usually just sad and it takes me a while to get over that.  Maybe that is why I fight crying so much.  I know, we must work through this and be grateful for the good times, love and laughter.  I just wanted to say thanks for the validation; thanks to everyone for that.  A man at yoga class said to me, "How long has it been?" and I said 21 months, and he said, "Oh, just think of the blessing of having had such a long and good marriage; you are so blessed."  Yes, I know; I have been so blessed; I think that is why it is so horribly hard now; I'm selfish; I want the blessing to continue....good wishes to all, Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 10:39 PM, Gwenivere said:

This is something we talked about too.  Steve always said he would stick around for the dogs and then probably pack it in.  These are things we could only try and imagine.  It's not real at the time so we don't know.  He was a functioning alcoholic and I know he turned to that often thru losses like one of our dogs.  I discovered what it really felt like to feel suicidal, not something I expected 2 years into this.  As everyone agrees, until it happens to you, there is no knowing how we will react and how the path of grief will twist and turn.  

At 21 months, I have felt times like that myself Gwenivere.  Now so far out, I thought it would be different.  I guess the longer you are without the person, the harder it gets to put up with...just want him back.  Then, I get up and go through the motions again.....Cookie

Well, I went for a great hike today with a friend.  It was wonderful and I'm tired, but I came home and miss him as much as ever.  I want to come home and feel comfortable and at peace.  I also have a lot of good things in my life, but it's like I'm living two lives, one where I function and enjoy some things, the other where grief is as present as ever....Cookie

2 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I am also slowly learning to have joy and grief co-exist in my life.  Someone said to me the other day it was so good to hear me laugh.  I know that Mark would want me to enjoy my life and not hold on to the sadness of losing him.  It is more probable now for people to hear me laugh, than to cry.  The times that I cry are more private now, and come at strange times...when I hear something or see something that I wish to share with Mark, and he is not there.  We loved the show "Parenthood" and a cable channel started running the series and Monday night was the last three episodes, and so many emotions surfaced.  Mark never got to see how the series ended, but I know he would have also cried.  I have been feeling so unsettled lately, and I think it started when the car went in the shop after losing its battle with the falling palm tree (thank goodness it wasn't an oak tree). Now that I have our car back, and I can sit in it and be with Mark in a way....I am feeling some of the uneasiness leaving.  Today is Go Texan Day here in Houston and I am dressed head to toe in my "cowboy" duds.  I bring Mark with me because he was my cowboy (even though he really detested those who only "dressed cowboy" at rodeo time).  I find joy in the ways I am able to honor him with my life, but also when I find "ME" in those things I do.  I know I am not ready to share my life with someone else right now; I can be okay with the solitude because I was alone so much before we met and he changed my life.  Like Steven said, the ones we grieve for can and will never be replaced in our hearts or lives...but perhaps when the time is right our hearts can expand to allow new love to enter.  I can't ever imagine loving someone the way I loved Mark....and I can't because Mark was Mark; with all his flaws and imperfections.  Like George said, Mark loved me with all my flaws; they are what make us who we are....the good and the bad.  There will never be another Mark, just like there will never be another Kathy, of Ron or Rose Anne.  But they would want us to live our lives and find happiness, wherever it comes from.  I hope that my blossoming writing career can touch those who grieve, but also help those who don't to understand what we go through and how drastically it changes our lives.  

Froggie4635:  It is interesting how you finally come to terms with "life must go on."  I didn't want it to, but since I'm not going to end it, I'm deciding I want it to be as content as it can be.  I also don't cry as much, especially in front of people.  I think the tears are still there inside me, but after 21 months most people are shocked that you can still cry so easily and so I mask it.  There is mighty powerful sorrow still and maybe always will be but I do want to come to peace with it.  That's the challenge--what I want and what will be.  I find myself constantly looking outward for things, probably distractions, and when I'm back alone in our home I'm more likely to get very sad.  I know what my husband, John, would want, but I have to say that he didn't know what this would be like and if he did he would probably hold me and say, wow, yes, this is hard; you just do the best you can, know that I love you.....Cookie 

I also hope for companionship.  After 21 months, I am finally coming around to the fact he will not be back in any form and I really want to live what years I have remaining with other opportunities to experience the good stuff of life.  I have been hiking with my friend's brother and it's nice to have some male companionship again, but, boy, it brings up a lot of sorrow because I still want it to be John.  That may be it....but I definitely hope for my remaining years to be good ones.  I was so enriched by the 47 I spent with my love, John. 

58 minutes ago, Brad said:

So happy to hear.  This too is where I strive to be and do feel I am moving in that direction.  It's been a while since the birds and squirrels have gazed down on a raving lunatic.

In a support group, I met a gal, younger than myself, who had buried three husbands.  Her comments were she loved the first with all of her heart and then he died.  When she met the second, she knew this time she really had found love like no other and he died.  The third husband came along and it was the real thing, mad, passionate, requited love; he died.  Throughout all of these relationships, she came to realize that she was truly blessed to have found three men whom she could so completely cherish and adore.  She knew none of these relationships were close to the same and the guys were all quite different.  She came to realize that while different she could love each person as much as the others, each relationship gave her what we all had with our loved ones; the human heart is capable of not replacing the love of our lives but finding new and different loves.  This gives me hope.

That being said, I am not looking for romance, no one would have me with my fixation on Deedo but I really would like a friend I can talk with, someone I can occasionally dine with, someone to take in a movie, a play, a concert with, someone who likes quiet strolls through woods and someone with enough of a sense of adventure that they might not object to jumping out of an airplane or rafting the Grand Canyon, or swimming with whale sharks. At sixty-five the field is getting somewhat limited.

17 hours ago, Brad said:

I will be so grateful if the psychosis of grief ever takes a break.  I just had a wonderful time with the kids and grandkids.  Yesterday I drove to the Valley since I had early appointments today at the Mayo.  Left this morning to go to the appointments and stopped for coffee at Circle K.  As I pulled in "Lover's Concerto" by the Toys (a 1965 fluff piece) started playing.  Now there is nothing about this song that should act as a trigger.  I doubt Deedo and I ever listened to it together and I haven't heard it since my teens except once in a movie whose name I can't remember.  But knowing the name of the song I suddenly focused on the word lover's realizing I once knew (and still know) requited love.  The larynx spasmed and the eyes started to burn.  Stunned I breathed deeply and got my coffee.  Keep in mind I'm now in a place where I no longer cry daily and sometimes will go several days or weeks without tears.  

After that, all was good until I was reading a novel while waiting to go to my second appointment.  Suddenly there were the same sensations without apparent cause (a touching scene between Harry Potter and Mrs. Weasly).  I read the HP series about every eighteen months so it was nothing new.  

After I headed home Bedrich Smetana's "Ma Vlast" symphony started playing.  A couple of weeks ago I had booked some concert tickets for a concert featuring works by Smetana and Antonin Dvorak, two of the greatest Czech composers.  The concert is in Prague and I am very excited.  I started to think about the concert and suddenly the floodgates opened and I was sobbing away because I will be seeing Europe for the first time but without my wife.  Again I don't understand the trigger.  Classical music always made Deedo sad and music was one thing where we really never found a lot of common ground.  If we were traveling together then the operas, ballets, and concerts would not be on the itinerary.

I pride myself on my critical thinking skills; my ability to look at evaluate multiple facets of any issue and then drawing conclusions based on logic and not supposition.  This grief thing has had me bamboozled from day one and continues to do so.

Brad:  I can relate to what you said.  Same for me, days without crying, but moments that come on unexpectedly and take my breath away with deep sorrow.  I also wonder if we all will get a break at some point.  I had a scary thought the other day that this might be it.  This is what they mean by "you get used to it."  You put it kind of away and enjoy things, laugh, etc., but it's all still there, the deep pain and missing of that person.  I so want that contentedness and carefree life back that I used to have....I know, we all do.  I think now that this takes way longer than I could imagine.  Your trip sounds wonderful....good for you.  Caring to everyone....Cookie

I realized after reading your post Brad, that most of the time I come on here during a down time or when I'm having a lot of grief.  I also have good times and times with friends, similar to what you experienced with your grandkids.  That is great.  Thanks for reminding me that there are some good times.  I'm just waiting for the time when the sorrow and grief feelings are in the minority. 

I want to share an article written by someone who lost her husband and it pretty much speaks to me about the complexity of this journey....

I've been talking with a lot of people this week about "getting back to life." 

Have you heard that phrase from people outside of your grief? Even people who truly love and care about you might be pushing you to get back out in to the world, live your life. They may even tell you have so much to live for. 

The thing is, the people who often say these things actually do have a life to go back to. They may be deeply impacted by the death of the one you love, but if their family is intact, if there is no gaping hole in their daily life, they just aren't going to be affected the same way you are. 

I don't necessarily mean that you had to live with the person you've lost in order to be the most impacted by their death. Not at all. 

What I mean is that, for many of us, the people we've lost were such an integral part of every single day, every single facet of our lives, there really is no "normal life" without them. 

There is no part of our universe, our daily lived existence, that they didn't touch. 

There truly is no life to "get back to." 

Eventually, perhaps, new things will begin to grow around the crater that has erupted in the center of your life. The hole itself will remain. I don't mean that as a downer, either. I mean that a central loss, a loss that shifts the axis of the universe, is not something that simply shrinks over time. 

We - you, me, all of us - will not return to the life that was. That's simply not possible. What we can do is bow to the damaged parts, the holes blown in our lives. We can wonder what parts of ourselves survived the blast. We can come to ourselves, and our irrevocably changed worlds, with kindness and respect. 

That's the real work of grief - to show up with kindness, every day, many times a day. Somehow, if we don't see it as "fixing" your grief, or "getting back to life," it makes all that just a little bit easier. 
 

Numb and lost:  It's been 21 months for me and at times I think I am forgetting him, but what I realize is that I'm (probably subconsciously) pushing the memories away because they can hurt so bad still.  But, I can remember him, all those details, smells, sounds, etc.  It's just that I haven't gotten to the point where I can dwell there too long, as it's painful.  I know, everyone says it's supposed to bring you peace and happiness that we had that.....not yet, not the good feelings yet, I think because I still miss him so, so much and am not at peace with not having him here.  I crave his touch, hearing his voice, feeling his arms around me, that pat on the head....Hopefully that will come in time....I can only hope. 

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Cookie and Marg, your descriptions of needing to know vs. not needing to know are good examples of the fact that grief is unique to each of us, and what we need to bring us comfort is different for every one of us. So Cookie, your "intense need to know what took him away" does not sound crazy at all. As you say, "sometimes there is a need to know in black and white what happened" and there is nothing wrong with that.  

Thanks MartyT:  I am a little worried about how the doctor will react when I ask for the details, but I have a right to know don't I?......