Cookie

On ‎10‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 7:14 PM, Janka said:

I wish we could all pull up chairs.....

On ‎10‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 9:31 AM, kayc said:

It's not something we attempt or "do", it just happens with the passage of time and no physical contact.   

I guess I meant I wonder if it's possible to come to some peace about it.  I know that would be different for everyone.  I guess it will be like living with a bad back, it hurts but you just go about your business and get through each day......

I will always miss that type of touch, I know....I can sometimes conjure up what it used to feel like to be touched by John, lasts a minute and then it's gone.  Although it makes me so sad, it like the few seconds of what it used to feel like.  I get hugs too from people I know and such, but it's definitely not the same as the touch from your lover, friend, special person. 

On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 5:44 AM, kayc said:

Isn't it sad that a person can get so used to not having that specialness in their life that they can forget what it's like?  That they can learn to live without it?

It's just like...I've learned to live without touch.  A couple of visits ago, I forgot to get a hug from my son.  He's not a hugger by nature so it didn't occur to him.  I got home and realized I'd gone all weekend without touching him.  I called him and told him that I am so used to living without it that I forgot to get a hug.  I told him if I forget again, to please hug me.  This last weekend, he did that.  And yes, I'd forgotten again.  Sad but another part of my existence now.  I've learned not to compare now to back then, but in so doing I don't want to lose sight of the fact that there is more in life than just doing chores or work.

Kayc:  This is such a dilemma for me too.  I was thinking the other day that it's been 2 1/2 years since I've kissed a man; the last time was when I kissed John's cold, stiff lips after he died.  So sad to me, and, yes, it scares me to think of living the rest of my life without all the physical closeness and so missing it with that special person.  How do you learn to live with it?  Sadly, Cookie

On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 11:26 PM, Janka said:

My dear Cookie!

First of all wanna thank you for responding to my post.It´s gonna be 6 years the next month since my beloved man Jan died.Unbelievable!Isn´t it?Unfortunately I must completely agree with what you wrote in here.As you see I come back more often lately as I find it even harder again.In November it´s gonna be 6 years since he is gone and in December it´ll be 11 years since we met for the first time.At the beginning I was sure it´s the pain as the worst part of grieving.Now I realize it´s the loneliness hurting me the most.

With love Janka

Janka:  Yes, the loneliness is so difficult, partly because it's a loneliness for a particular person you can never have back.  I have people I hang out with, talk with, do things with, but am still paralyzed by missing John, and I don't think six years is very long considering what you lost.  My heart goes out to you and all of us in this situation.  I had an epiphany today...it was that what I am doing is learning to live with this but feel like I will never be at peace with it.  Everyone wants to know if I'm "getting better."  I gave up trying to explain.....hugs to you

Happy late birthday Kay...

Gwen and all:  I totally empathize with you.  It's been almost 2 1/2 years and I'm worse off than ever in the lonely department.  I had so hoped it would be better, not worse.  I, too, manufacture things to keep me busy and it's horrible if I'm not.  The problem is that I wasn't that way before he died and now it is such a job to keep things going.  I also got terrible bee stings in August so can't do yard work and that was a major way of filling the time.  I really feel exhausted with all of this too.  Tired of trying to just get through another day.  Tired of the loneliness, which even doing things doesn't completely help because like everyone else what I'm lonely for is my love to care about me and to care about.  Keep hoping time will make this better but am becoming a little hopeless about that.  My thoughts are with all of you....Cookie

On ‎09‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 2:26 PM, Marg M said:

Strange phenomenon.  I forget my dreams.  I remember as soon as I wake up but they just dissolve and I don't remember them again.  I don't like to sleep in the daytime at all, no naps, but sometimes (not often, probably 3-5 times in two years).  Bri is going to early school now and sometimes I guess I kinda wear myself down..  Back right after Billy left I went to sleep in a chair in front of the TV and he was beside me waking me up.  It felt like him, I could see him, he kissed me on the forehead.  Today I have dozed off twice and Billy was there when I woke up.  I don't know why that happens, it does not happen in the mornings after sleeping all night but disturbing sleep (not meaning to doze off) and he was there.  I have been letting the scar tissue build up, willing it to be so, this rips it off.  I don't like this.  I am going to wash clothes, won't drift off again.  No good feeling, just hurt.  Some might welcome it, but it just makes it seem like he is still here and he isn't.  Do not know why that happens, something about neurons and synapses and REM (light sleep, rapid eye movement sleep), not restful sleep. (And I don''t claim to know what any of that means except the REM sleep.)  Used to type polysomnograms.  

Marg:  I understand why that is disturbing.  I have dreams with John in them sometimes (night) and they usually leave me feeling quite sad and missing him more.  I can't ever nap, as I always wake up feeling discombobulated.  I think people think that would be comforting because it seems like he is really there, but even if he is, you can't hold onto him or get him back, which is what I struggle with.  I guess we're supposed to get used to what we can and can't have now.  Hugs, Cookie

On the subject of how do we get through this.....I took a part-time job at a book store in town.  Nice place, nice people, but very low pay, $7.50 an hour, no breaks, had to travel a ways and a lot to learn.  I have ended up quitting mostly because there were more cons than pros, money mostly, but what I learned was that truly being so immersed in something at work did take my mind off John and feelings, but then I would come home and be back in it.  So, is that where we're left (or I should say I'm left)?  Either busy your/myself to death and have less time to feel bad or just feel bad a lot more.  I will be looking for something else to take up my time that works for me more, but this is what is so soul-numbing for me....the fear that only constant busyness will be my only relief.....scary thought

20 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Frustration and bs...

I don't know about all of you but since Tammy died I have just about zero tolerance for bull$hit and I'm much more easily frustrated. Right now both of those issues have come to the forefront. I've lived in the same townhouse for nearly 30 years. For the most part it's been a decent neighborhood over the years. It recent years, many townhouses have been bought by some folks who rent them out and that's when the problems began. We have limited parking (no assigned spaces) and the renters park haphazardly, often taking up two spaces. I rarely get to park in front of my own home. Neighbors throw trash on my lawn. Vandals throw firecrackers in my yard. My next door neighbors make noise running up and down their steps until 3 in the morning. When I've complained to my homeowners association they tell me to contact the landlords or the police. The bottom line, as a homeowner I apparently have less rights then renters.  The police could care less.

So I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I like my house and all of my time with Tammy was spent here. I don't want to move. But, I know this neighborhood will continue to become less and less tight knit and friendly. It's horrible to think I'm getting pushed out of my home by these new renters but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Vent over.

So sorry.  That sounds horrible.  You have a right to vent!  Hoping you find a bearable solution to this...Cookie

19 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Gwen, I hear you on the changes.

I've never liked change. I'm basically a creature of habit. On March 6, 2015 my whole world changed and not for the better. All these subsequent life changes just seem to pile on to the overwhelming grief we already are experiencing. In the past, Tammy was here and we would comfort each other when things that were out of our control happened around us. Now, it's only me, myself and I dealing with every situation 24/7 and there's absolutely no comfort in sight. It's a life of misery that somehow we're supposed to find hope in. Talk about a nearly impossible task!

Mitch

Mitch:  I certainly can relate.  I feel the same way.  I get so tired of taking care of everything without the comfort of my partner.  It seems so punishing somehow.  I'm always desperately looking for some relief in all of this...take care, Cookie

18 hours ago, Gin said:

The loneliness of them not being here is so bad.  It hangs like a black cloud over my head.  Always there.  I went to the health club and was exercising on a machine with tears streaming down my face.  It is almost 2 years now and not much better.  

Gin:  I totally relate to this.  It's been 2 years and a few months for me also.  Yes, I go about my life, as it is, and smile, laugh, etc., but have that black cloud over my head and in the pit of my stomach too.  I will find myself crying unexpectedly now and feeling the intense grief.  I do get a little hopeless at times that this will get much better.  I'm guessing this is what "they" mean by it changes but never really goes away.  Hugs to you...Cookie

On ‎09‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 4:39 PM, kevin said:

Marg, term feet of clay does that also refer to  shuffling your feet?....We had a term " feels like feet  are stuck to the floor"...Had an exercise and basically it was walking down the road stepping over cracks,,,don't know why I thought of that.... Cookie, I find re-engaging Socially is a slow process...my target is one new"contact" a year and keep it up.......Within five years you will be "too" busy........Unfortunately ,one of my new contacts is moving......As you may guess, contacts don't come to you, you always must be the engager....Over two years now , get Grief bursts at times, but still moving forward......Any word from Marty?

Kevin:  You're right.  You must always be the engager.......I like the one contact each year idea.  I've been trying to connect too much, I think.  Seems like I'm throwing myself at everything and am starting to feel the stress of it.  That wasn't the way I was before John died.  I have to reassess.  I know I do it to try and escape the pain.  Moving forward also but always with that intense pain in the pit of my stomach....take care...

22 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I love that cause it is so true.

Some time in the past I looked in the mirror after months of tears and I didn't even recognize the face as being me. Years after that I looked in the mirror and realized that I looked different. I was a product of Steve and Kathy. She changed my face. Grief changed my face but I don't mind the mileage. It spoke to a man in love with an angel. Somehow I see her in my own image.

Or do you think that years of grief made me go mad?

No, you're not mad; you said it just right.....

On ‎09‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 6:53 AM, scba said:

Today is 3 years marks since the last time I heard his voice. 
I don't remember what he told me, he was too weak to breathe well 
he was wearing an oxygen mask and I did not
realise those would be our last words. Words I don't remember.

He fall asleep with strength and faith, doctors told me. He was all smiles. Because HIS surgery day has arrived...
but with death as company.

I did not see it coming.
I was anxious about him to finally wake up, my mind was focused on next steps, as he instructed me before going to hospital.
It was my task to be in charge while he has sleeping. He would wake up soon.
He never did.
I received THE call, I rush to hospital, and I met death.
I sensed death. I will never forget that either. Death was in that room.

3 years later, I understood that I am alive, but "me then" is gone too. The "me" then is gone to follow him. It could not have been different. We belonged together and they are together now, and this "me now" will be reunited with them one day, in a way God only knows. People told me so many times that I was still alive. It is true, but that portion of soul-life-existence that was part of something greater than my own self, what is called true love, that "being" left this world to follow him.

3 years later.....in a different city, in a different country, in a life that has nothing to do with the one before, and I cannot recall what I did yesterday, which was supposed to be a happy aniversary. Instead, I felt that emptiness, the defeat, the nothingness and lack of meaning.  It did not hurt as a sharp sword, they became familiar. It was just another invisible day.

Peace
 

scba:  Loved the way you expressed that the other you is gone to follow him.  I relate to that.  I am here; yes, I am alive in body, but my heart and soul feel something missing and feels lacking still after 2 years.  Don't think the number of years is going to matter like I used to.  I definitely feel like we were so enmeshed; how could you un-enmesh.....this is a weird place we all seem to inhabit.  I know I want a contentedness again, but am lost as to how to find it; hoping it will find me like it did when I found him; just happened; such magic from start to finish.....peace to you also

On ‎08‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 4:55 PM, Gin said:

The doctors told me that Al was dying.  I suppose I did not want to face it.  I stayed with him in the hospital the last 2 weeks night and day.  The last 2 days were horrible.  I talked to him even tho I do not think he heard me, although "they" say that hearing is the last to go.  I never told him that everything was coming to an end.  Maybe I should have told him.  Maybe he knew.   I believe that he hung on  until my daughter and son-in-law got there.  He died within 10 minutes.  I am sure that he did not want me to be alone.  All the things we second guess.

My heart goes out to you, Gin.  I have many things I second guess about John's last year.  I've tried to tell myself I did my best, but I think I just want him back even if it meant going through it all again and maybe doing it better.....

Gwen:  I've been thinking a lot about how long it's been since I felt, heard, touched John.  It is so mind numbing and still unfathomable.  You can try, but I can't imagine anyone would be able to wrap their mind around that reality, or it will scare the hell out of them just thinking about it.  Take care, Cookie

I guess I'm also selfish...I get mad at John sometimes because he didn't have to go through this.  Then I get mad because I do believe he would have handled it better.  He also was a musician, played golf, played pool with a group of guys once a week and handball once a week.  He also rode a motorcycle with friends.  I am social but would rather have spent all my time with him.  This thing about "getting on with life because your alive".....easier said than done.  I think that is what we are all trying to do.  You just don't realize how hard it is going to be.  I am getting on with life but don't feel very happy, which is what I miss.  Contentedness, snuggling down into life and feeling like everything is so right.  That is what I would like again.  Will I get it?  Right now after 2 years it doesn't seem like it.  I think I had more hope in the beginning because I couldn't imagine this.  Anyway, I will keep hoping, but it is wearing kind of thin.  Cookie

So sorry and hope turns out well....hugs, Cookie

On 8/25/2017 at 10:59 PM, DanyGreen said:

Hi -

It has been just over 5 months since I lost my husband suddenly.  At first, there were so many things to take care of - his final arrangements, making sure my kids and I were okay financially, everything around the house seemed to break, etc. - that I just put my head down and took care of what needed to be taken care of.  We had so much support from our family, friends and community, I truly felt that we were so blessed it was almost to good to be true.  

About a month ago, we started to feel the first bits of settling and some peace and then the most bewildering things started to happen.  A neighbor who we have know for years reports my dogs to Animal Control for barking, my son's best friend's parents accuse me of allowing "gateway" behaviors to occur in my home, and in general people began to shun my kids and I at community events - openly and with some hostility.  Animal Control told me not to worry about the neighbor - she is just being a nuisance.  I don't allow drugs or alcohol in my home just because we are grieving.  We go to community events to enjoy ourselves and do not go out of our way to shine a light on our situation.  We are trying to move on....so why does it feel like there are people out there in the world who want to keep us down and "in our place" of grief and feeling alone?

I never expected to see such ugliness in people because my husband died.

Very sorry for what's happened to you.  People are so clueless about how difficult and intense this is.  They will never know until it happens to them or maybe not know because they weren't close to the person.  I have experienced so many incidents of careless, thoughtless people due to that.  I have also experienced great kindness and caring.  Unfortunately, it doesn't take your pain away.  The clueless ones can trigger such intense pain and emotions.  Hugs to you, Cookie

On 8/31/2017 at 5:11 PM, Gwenivere said:

Sean, it's been almost 3 years and no one I know understands how hard this is.  They look at the exterior (finances, house repairs, etc) because that is all they can comprehend.  They don't know about the emotional impact of this.  I've learned to keep things to myself unless someone says something so incredibly stupid I lose it.  I have an email I need to respond to from a friend saying I have to get on with life, would I want Steve feeling this bad for so long?   Of course not, but he would have lost his wife unlike this guy who is going hither and yon with his all the time.   I'm also beyond trying to explain the unexplainable. Unless this happens to you, you'll never understand.  I wish they could, but they just can't.  I know that is what adds to the already incredible, sometimes unbearable, loneliness.   Our society wants to fix fix fix.  I honestly don't know what they expect us to do when everything we knew has changed.  All the suggestions I get do not fill the long nights and waking to know I have lost my best friend.  Who do I get to talk to about the daily things now?  Make plans with?  Enjoy meals and movies with?  Discuss life that is happening all around me?  Rely on to back me up and vice versa?  Laugh with and make decisions putting our heads together?  Yeah, I have a decent bank account.  Guess that means I'm doing fine so what's the problem?  Feh.

We live in a physical world now alone.  All those things we ourselves and others take for granted are gone.  I can count how many times a day a thought enters my head I want to express to Steve and miss him doing the same.  Connection with another on this mortal plane.  I can have imaginary conversations with him because I knew him so well.  We can only guess how it goes because that's all we have.  I miss the new thoughts.  It's painful.  I can't touch him.  There are no signs of his being present anymore.  No trash, treats, laundry or anything that denotes having my living partner.  Just what he left behind stuck in time where it was when he left.  Unused anymore without an owner.  

Gwen:  Like many times in the past, you have stated very closely what I feel too.  I am so lonely for John, and truly no one seems to understand how hard it is to feel okay again.  In the beginning, I desperately hung on to the idea that in a year or two I would emerge from this darkness and feel better.  Well, I'm not saying it's the same, but it's still dark and it still takes a lot of effort to keep on going.  I do a lot of things, even laugh, but the pain is always there at the core and it gets so tiring with intense painful episodes always lurking.  I had someone ask me just yesterday if I wasn't closer to others because I lost John.  Can't imagine where that thinking came from.  Wish I was.  He was the closest I have ever come to anybody and the loss of him is deadening.  Anyway, we keep on going and I do keep on hoping this will turn around.  I so want just peace with this.  Take care, Cookie

Boy, I can really relate to this.  I can't stand holidays anymore, even Labor Day and Sundays are hard too for the same reason--always having shared them with John.  It is hard to get reoriented.  There are so many things I could be doing but still at 2 years and 3 months out I'm having trouble (have to kick myself in the backside) doing things.  Partly I think it is because it doesn't take the grief and loneliness away; it's just a distraction, so it's not a fix.  Anyway, can relate to you guys...hugs to all, Cookie

I do have an EpiPen...I'm going to get allergy testing at the end of the month and take immune shots if it comes back positive.  It is possible I had a toxic reaction, as they say I had about 30-40 stings in actuality because each hornet or wasp can sting multiple times.  Don't know; we'll see.  I'm just really having trouble with the paranoia about bees now.  I know I will get past this.  Maybe next year will be better.  Thanks George. 

On 9/1/2017 at 10:12 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

You and I are in the same boat...I'm dealing with injured knees and toes (it's been three months, still not healed) and 3 1/2 weeks ago discovered I'm highly allergic to wasps.  It's ended my being comfortable outside as I have tons of them.  Have been trying to locate a beekeeper to collect them but so far no luck, one of the hazards of living out so far.
 

Take care of yourself, I know all too well what you're going through!

Thanks Kayc.  It really does change your life when you find out you're allergic to bees; all of a sudden they are everywhere.  I'm trying to find a balance and not be too scared to go outside.  I'm considering doing the allergy shots, as they say they are very effective.  I can't stand the idea of always being afraid of being outside.....I'm sure it will all work out.  Having to hire out the yardwork for now.  Hope your injuries get better soon; hoping mine does too.  Fondly, Cookie

22 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

I woke up at three in the morning aching for my bride.  Missing her so very much.  Caleb got up and said he missed Grammy so much.  He said she would make missing Noah better.  It kills me that I can't ease his pain.  

Then I had to take Gracie to the dr as she's been coughing nonstop for several days   She has bronchitis and a double ear infection   

Then the mail came and there was a letter addressed to Mary.  I opened it and it was from a college friend and she doesn't know Mary passed away by her words.  I have to let her know.  That left a horrible taste in my mouth and a heartbreaking feeling in my heart.  

Tomorrow is a new day?  I think I said that yesterday.  😪

So sorry...I know that is hard.  I've had to tell several people about John and it always come as a shock again and realizing these people didn't know....makes me feel like I am just putting it aside because every time I have to tell someone who doesn't know, it's like shock all over again that it's true....hugs to you, Cookie