I was out mowing on a hill and the grass was a little wet and boom, down I went; luckily I was able to hold onto the mower.  Hit hard on my hip but everything is okay.  It is scary; you worry about breaking anything when you're in your 60s.  Guess this is the new normal......Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 8:51 AM, kayc said:

Thank you, Marita.  I have a feeling this is a long slow go, I may never feel the same again and Lord knows the arthritis I may get from this later on.  I've just never suffered such a bad fall with so many injuries at once!  My toes, knees, and shin seem the worst of the injuries.  I hope the ins investigator calls soon, I'll probably call him this afternoon if he doesn't call first.

Kayc:  So sorry for your fall.  Isn't that the way?  You can be going along doing okay you think and then something happens and everything changes so quickly.  Hope you feel better soon....Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 10:51 PM, scba said:

Hello Cookie: I know someone, that's me! I'm presently sharing a tiny appt. It has its pros and cons.

Cons: I still feel lonely because my partner and best friend is missing. Sharing won't be and won't feel as before.

Warning: my flat mate is not my partner and best friend, and I project some expectations about behaviour (like "care" or be "fully" understanding of my issues, as my bf did). 

Pros: money saving, chatting, housekeeping is shared, I won't eat alone. I can get distracted.

It won't """"solve""" your grief issues, it won't """"change""""" feelings coming from grief. My experience has been that grief IS, regardless. 

However, today I choose house sharing than a solo appt. 

 

Yes, I figured it wouldn't be the cure-all.  That is one thing I've discovered in these 2 years.  At first, I thought that surely by 2 years things would be so much better, but everything is really settling in for me now--the long-term nature of this pain, the aloneness, that nothing really can fix it.  I do think it would be good to have distraction around, as you can get so lost in aloneness....that's how I'm seeing it.  How did you get the flat mate?  Seems like that would be a challenge, getting the somewhat right person.  Thanks for the input, Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 7:35 PM, Gin said:

Gwen,. I really relate to how you feel.  I do not see many people and miss Al even more.  He was really the love of my life.  We adored each other and you cannot replace that.  

Cookie,. It is very hard to find new friends, especially some who will really care.  I do not feel that I matter to many people.  

I know, Gin, and it really depresses me sometimes.....

scba:  Do you know anyone who is house sharing? 

Gwen:  My heart breaks reading your post, mostly because I can relate to it and I also feel so much for you.  I think we are left with trying to find maybe friends to connect with who care.  I know, that sounds impossible, but it is a hope of mine.  I too struggle so much with not feeling cared about or special to anyone.  I think that is where my anxiety events come from.  It is so hard to live without once you've had it.....fondly, Cookie

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I've been trying to figure out how not to keep waking up to panic.  Unsuccessful so far and losing my doc with only an APRN as backup is terribly frustrating.  I am waiting to see a shrink for med management in early August.  But here is the real problem coupled with that feeling.

I have a very hard time listening to music, in fact I don't.  So I tried the buzzer on my alarm.  Thing is I hate beeping noises.  So I went back to radio.  Seems every morning it is some kind of being in love song.  Today was 'You're Still The One '.  These songs used to make me smile or I just enjoyed them because they rang true in my life.  Often a reminder of how fortunate I was to have have that someone in my life.  How awful it is to dread waking up.  It's summer and gorgeous here.  It's winter in my heart and soul.  My social highlight of the day was a plumber to fix a toilet.  Another human being in the house.  I actually hated seeing him leave.  It's frigging pathetic.  So desperate to talk to someone even if it is about water lines.  A human voice that was not the TV.  Now I get to do errands this afternoon that are just habit.  Friday things i always did and add in picking up something for dinner because our sinful take out night isn't fun alone.  

I had to drag out probate papers and his death certificate for a fund that turned out to be $8 in interest.  They asked if I wanted a check but I would have to fill out more paperwork.  I  declined.  Of course they had no idea (tho politely condolent) how that tears a person up.

I was thinking last night about the first few months after he died and how I cleared out the garage of his boxes of useless computer parts.  I gave away his clothes because they could be used but also I wanted the space to put things I needed in here because I couldn't drag them in myself.  Shock mode was heaven compared to this.  I'm too far into it now to ignore how much time I have had to fill without him.  How I endlessly come home to this insanity.  I don't know who I am anymore.  This has all been said before and I could say it again everyday.  One person, just one, gone from existence and life came to a screeching halt.  I know, I know, this is where I am supposed to dive into that gratitude I had him in my life and the good memories.  Doesn't work for us all, folks.  It's an odd feeling to want to live, just not without him.

Run for your money on word salads, Marg!

Gwen:  I can relate to what you say.  I almost love to have to call someone to come fix something, not only to have someone in the house but someone who doesn't know anything about me being a widow.  I live in a community where everyone knows who I am and knew who John was; they just don't mention him, though.  So, it's nice to meet someone who doesn't know and I can pretend for a while that I'm not a widow.  Doesn't last long.  I have thought about house sharing and wonder how that would work out, mainly because of the coming home to the house without him in it.  Keep thinking about changing things up and not have it cost an arm and a leg.  Anyway, just talking....Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 9:08 PM, scba said:

Thank you Kay for your words of support.

I tell that because I don't want to talk about it, feel unconfortable and be analyzed by people.  

I understand this.  I don't really want to talk about it with most people because it's clear they don't understand and that hurts even more; even other widows/widowers get on the positivity bandwagon when they start doing better; they seem to forget what the mire feels like....still feeling like a stranger in a strange land.....

37 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I've just re entered those stages again....hurt and anger, at over 2 and a half years.   It's odd how the mind finds new things we thought we had forgotten.  Or maybe not because we have so much time now since we aren't moving forward with our mates.  We aren't creating new experiences, just left with what we had. As I once wrote a long time ago here, our novel is finished.  The final chapter written,  be it abrupt or long coming.  It's published now.  Can't even write a sequel unless it's about only one of the characters....us.  When we were penning that book we didn't know about endings.  It was just so great to keep adding pages as time went by.  Dedicated to grief.  

Gwen:  You know, I talked to someone recently who said it took her at least 4-5 years to find hope and for the pain to lift.  Thought I would just share that with you.  It gives me a little hope.  We're both around 2 years out and for me it's still so dark too.  Hugs to you....Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 5:38 PM, mittam99 said:

I think we're all there Cookie. This isn't how "it was supposed to be". We all wanted to grow old together in the twilight of our years.

In my life, I met Tammy back in 1999 and 3 year old Katie was part of the package. Instant family so to speak. When Katie left at 18 to go to college in Illinois and live with her grandmother, it was supposed to be me and Tammy alone time, finally... 

Sadly, Tammy was mostly very sick during that time and 9 months later my heart was broken into a million pieces. My Tammy, the love if my life, was gone and my life and all our plans were forever changed.

Life as I knew it was gone, too. Replaced by the sadness of grief.

mittam99:  I know this is so hard; seems so unfair.  Do you ever find yourself asking why we have to go through this...I know, the impossible question.  My heart goes out to you and all of us....Cookie

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I had an accident years ago that left my left forefinger damaged, I couldn't close my finger/s into a fist, in fact the finger wouldn't bend much at all.  The doctor suggested Glucosamine, and I tried that for a year with zero results.  My sister suggested gin & golden raisins (steep the golden raisins in gin a minimum of two weeks, but I find it's more palatable after 2 months)...9 raisins a day (I don't count, I use an iced tea spoon).  Within two weeks I could completely bend my finger and recovered full usage of it!  I now take my spoonful a day, it helps joints/arthritis.  I talked to my doctor about it and he said "Whatever works!"  If it hadn't been the educated sister who is a research librarian, I probably would have thought it was hooey, but coming from her I felt it credible.  All I know is, it worked amazingly!

So, what is the ratio of the mixture?  This sounds very interesting.  I have a forefinger that I smashed between two wood rounds a couple of months ago and still have numbness and some movement issues.  I'd love to try that.  Do you get golden raisins just at the grocery store? 

Just now, Gwenivere said:

Used to be our TV was only on when we wanted to watch something either alone or together.  I never turn it on during the day but now have it on as background at night.  I never realized all the commercials for drugs, medical conditions, things I shouldn't be able to live without and all the happy people.  Even finding shows that are innocuous enough to basically ignore but keep the silence at bay is tough.  I'm usually on the iPad I never needed or reading, but I catch things as the shows roll by or an old movie.  Silence never bothered me before when Steve was around.  So now I am often torn.  Often I mute it so I don't want to smash it.  This is not a small adjustment.  I never knew how hard it would be to fill the long nights.  I wish I had an interest or hobby, but the depression has squashed that out of me.  I can't concentrate or even care about novels which I so looked forward to.  Never enough time before I had to fix dinner or something.  Another thin that has become a chore rather than enjoyable.  Trouts inm my head and there they stay.   

So, this is my new roommate.   Not warm or interactive.  Intensifies the loneliness, but I can't take the silence either.  

Nothing replacees our human being that made everything OK by thier very existence as we did theirs.  I so want to matter to that one person more than anyone in the world.   He still does to me.  

Really didn't warrant a new topic, but didn't know where to put the thoughts.

 

Gwenivere:  As usual, I see myself in your words.  I, too, am a different person.  I used to love alone time, treasured it sometimes.  Now, I hate being here alone, hate coming home half the time, feel such sorrow when I'm here.  I see him everywhere, but, of course, nowhere....and just miss him so darn much; it still hurts terribly.  I do best when I'm busy, but it seems that I do a lot of busy type things and nothing that I can really sink my teeth into.  I would like to have something like that now, something with meaning, but don't know how to get it again.  I also watch more TV now that John is gone.  It's hard when you're older I think.  I'm 67 and have already done school, job; I was looking forward to retirement with John and that was going to be the next chapter.  After 2 years, I'm still trying to figure out what the next chapter is going to be....keep hoping it will come to me from some of the things I try.  Hugs to you and all out there, Cookie

I also don't feel that John is close now.....I think it's because it's been 2 years and I've gotten exhausted with still wanting something more tangible, which of course I won't get....maybe I resist thinking he's there out of anger...cutting off my nose to spite my face syndrome?

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” says C.S. Lewis in the opening line of A Grief Observed.

Maybe grief doesn’t just feel like fear, maybe it is fear.

In my life, in mine alone can I talk about, but I have never had so much fear.  Without him, I know fear daily.  "Getting to know myself" is something I never cared to do.  

 

I agree.  I too still have attacks of fear and anxiety....after 2 years.

On ‎06‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 7:01 PM, Gin said:

The simple things we used to do together are not fun or meaningful anymore.  Even just getting gas is a chore and brings back memories.  Watering the flowers does not bring pleasure.  Sitting outside without Al is not enjoyable.  I wonder if anything will bring joy in the future.  I rather doubt it.

Gin, I know what you mean.  I wonder that too and so hope there will come a time where some joy comes back.  This is long and hard....hugs, Cookie

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

“I am woman, hear me roar.”― Helen Reddy

That was my mama's favorite song.

So, I was waiting for this burly mechanic and along comes this tiny wisp of a girl, young, and I tell her "I don't even know how to open the hood."  No problem, this little very feminine mechanic knew what she was doing.  (She made this ole woman feel like a twit).  This is not a picture of her.  She was even smaller.  I was so proud of her and I felt like an ant on the sidewalk standing beside her.  Such a sweet thing.  

But when I let it idle it smelled sorta like motor burn and they had asked me to bring it on into Toyota (they are so good to me), and they checked it all over and Ferris Yaris was doing just fine.  I felt like I was waiting for a patient sitting in the waiting room.  They had a free drink machine, any kind of drinks and a peach or coke Icee, all kinds of coffee creamers, and of course Community Coffee.  I got a peach Icee.

So neat having a woman mechanic.  I wish there were more of them.....

Kayc and Gin:  Thanks for your responses.  Let's all get together and have coffee some time (ha).  I know I am not alone.  I need to remember that.  I guess it doesn't matter how old you are when you lose someone precious; just get feel like I have limited options sometimes.  That's me trying to fix things, always wanting to fix it and move on.  This doesn't work that way, though, I guess.  I agree with Kayc, that you will know when you find that dog.  Looking on-line is a great way.  That is how we found Ranger; saw his sweet face and just knew he was for us.  I hope you find the one, Gin.  Good thoughts to you both, Cookie

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

She has 5 more weeks of this chemo.  It makes her bones hurt terribly.  Steroids would help, but they give her seizures and she sure does not need that.  Her hair is growing back in, but it is time for another course the 8th, so she will lose it again.  

We all worry about our kids, no matter how old they get.  I know it is going to take some adjusting cooking for two boys.  I don't cook, so Bri does her own cooking, but cannot right now.  Also cannot really eat.  She has been subsisting on the pecan Ensure Plus I keep for breakfast's.  I think she is getting tired of that though.  I might have to cook.  Fixed her "mashed" potatoes, only I call them cream potatoes and she loves them, I use the mixer to get out any lumps.

Life sure comes with its own lumps, wish I could get them out as easy as with a mixer.  

That is all so hard.  Feel for all of you....hugs, Cookie

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Well, I would say I live in an honest neighborhood, and I really think I do. We have two law officers living here and also a security company employee living here. In getting my things in yesterday, can blame this only on myself, I have never done this before, not in the nearly 60 years I have been driving (not that I can remember, bless not remembering), but I left my keys in my car. Not only did I leave them in there, I left them in the turn on position. I have Toyota sending out someone to jump the car for me, no charge, although I am sure anyone around would have done it, but I got scared I might need a new battery, so I called Toyota. Sometimes it is no fun being the "man of the house."

And, the picture below is wrong, I can still think of so many stupid things to do.

Hey Marg:  You made my day.  I did the exact same thing about 2 months ago, left the keys in the car in the on position.  Ended up calling AAA after asking my neighbor for help.  Should have called AAA first thing...I was so embarrassed.  The guy said it happens all the time...nice person.  Cookie

On ‎05‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 4:05 PM, Autumn2 said:

For us 53 years. I hate to be  morbid,  and I am not suicidal But the one good thing about being married so long is I probably wont be around that long to suffer that much longer.  Guess I could live to be 90 or 100 but when you hurt so bad that doesnt seem possible. So I take one day at a time and dont  much worry about the future. It is what it is.

 

I agree.  I also think maybe being older is a weird blessing.  It doesn't seem like I can live into my 90s with this pain...Cookie

On ‎06‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 8:47 AM, Marie Lee said:

This is going to be one helluva month for me... too many triggers...I know he wants me to embrace life wholeheartedly....

I just don't know how to do this all without him...

Got to hold on tight on this ride...its going to be one helluva month...

Hugs everyone- Marie

Hugs to you too.  Those darn triggers...so many sometimes.  Will be thinking of you, Cookie

On ‎06‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 4:23 PM, Patty65 said:

I've been dreading this moment, the pain, the rekindled grief.  I wanted to share with you my love letter to Maui, our Customers, and Ron that I just posted on the Maui Pasta Facebook page.  I want to share more.  But I'm in the throes of the last 3 days of Maui Pasta, Maui.  So many ways Grief washes, freshens its grip, takes me.  Please send me your strength as I try to make it through the last three days of Maui Pasta, Maui.  Our legal battle is over.  That's all I can say.  It was nasty to the bitter end.  But no trial -- we settled -- it had to be over, it was not necessarily in our favor, or theirs... it is just DONE.

 

This is a love letter to Maui.pdf

Patty:  Beautifully written.  Happy for you and what lies ahead...sounds very promising.  If I'm ever in Scottsdale, I will drop in.  Good wishes, Cookie

Hi everyone....haven't written much lately as I am having a pretty hard time.  Second-year anniversary is coming up on the 13th of this month.  Is it real that everyone has a harder time around that event?  I have been waking up crying, something I haven't done since the very beginning; feeling so lost again, lonely, adrift.  This seems endless sometimes.  I keep telling myself "this too shall pass."  It seems like if I were younger, 40s maybe, there would be more to look forward to and focus on.  I'm 67 and feeling like I'm just going into old age alone.  This feels so punishing.  I am still going but getting tired.  Thanks for listening, Cookie

On ‎05‎/‎23‎/‎2017 at 2:50 AM, Gwenivere said:

Thank you for all your replies.  I know I am a part of mankind, spent my afternoon volunteering.  i know that matters, but it's so  fleeting not having the foundation of a shared 24/7 life that is just mine like all of us are missing.  No one wondering why I was late getting home.   I feel for you all dearly too.  I know I can come here and be understood and validated.  If I have given anyone some of that back it's because this is a family and that's what families do.  

Marty, amstcole (welcome), Marg, Gin and Dave....thanks for being here when I got home.  ?

Marg, my health is compromised right now in a very frustrating way with hypothyroidism which adds to depression and giving me daily headaches as well as many other 'fun' side effects.  It's turning out to be a huge challenge to solve as (like you) I have other conditions making treatment extremely complicated.  I'm sure it is adding to these dark places my mind has been going.  My Catholic upbringing provided me with excellent education in private schools but the religion itself is one that I could never subscribe to.  I am not a person of any faith.  I had my mothers rosary for a long time but it broke.  I remember her finding solace there.  

Gwen:  I don't know you (wish I did), but I want you to know that you really matter to me, even though I'm out here in virtual land.  I always look for comments you've made because everything you say is so very much like how I feel and I get some comfort in not being alone in my misery.  It's like you state it so well, I don't need to write it myself.  Also, you are so articulate and say everything so clearly and honestly.  I would be so sad if you were not on here...really.  Warmly, Cookie

On ‎05‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 9:31 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, change it to Honda Civic and you have me!   I bought mine new ten years ago and they just keep on keeping on!  It has never left me stranded, not once.  I had one over 300,000 miles once, gave it to my daughter, she got it to 330,000 before she sold it to her ex-roommate.  She ran into him a year later, he was still driving it.  Mine is at 186,000 so I'm hoping I get ten more years out of it!

Oh, I want it!!

Gin:  I can relate...that would make me nervous too.  I'm sure you will do well, though.  I put myself through so much unnecessary worry constantly now.  I am worrying about keeping up with the yard work now, but I can guarantee you that as soon as that is passed it will be something else.  I was a kind of worrier before John died, but it is constant now.  I do the relaxation apps at night and in the morning, journal, etc.  I think the worry is really attached to the loss somehow.  Wish I could be hypnotized out of it.  You said you had a 20-year-old Toyota....I have a 10-year-old Subaru and I worry about it....see what I mean (ha)...I do know Toyotas will go forever.  We had one that the body rusted off of before the engine had any trouble.  Well, enough.  Good luck on your test.  Looking forward to seeing how it turned out....fondly, Cookie