Cookie

So glad you're okay Mitch.  I believe Tammy was looking out for you...you're not done yet.  I like to believe that about John.  A couple days before he died, he suddenly said, "If I can, I will come back to help you."  Lately, the last 8 days or so, I've been finding different bird feathers at my feet when I stop and look down, all in different places.  I always collected feathers and he would try and find me neat ones when he was alive and bring them to me when he thought it was one I would like....I got stung by all the bees and had to stop doing yard work, have messed up my knee and might need surgery....I really think he might be showing me he's here.  Hugs to you all....Cookie

Marg:  You sound pretty sane to me.....

I lost the amulet that had John's hair in it about 9 months ago and know I will never get it back.  It was such a special thing, a real part of him.  It still hurts, but, yes, I do know I will have to learn to live without it, just like I have to learn to live without him.....

On ‎08‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 0:19 PM, mittam99 said:

When Tammy died, I made the decision that she should wear her ring forever. That ring was the symbol of the bond we shared and the overwhelming love I will always have for her.  Early on, I wore my ring after Tammy's death and would probably still be wearing it today if not for an awful experience I had. I was wearing it at work as usual and went home. I washed my hands and realized the ring was gone and must have fallen off (I've lost a lot of weight). In a panic, I drove madly back to my workplace. Luckily someone found it and put it in the safe at work, but I was visibly shaken and vowed not to chance losing it again. That ring is precious to me. As far as not wearing it anymore in public... (as you said Sean), I still feel married to Tammy and always will.

Sean:  I had all the same feelings about my ring after John died.  I ended up moving it to my right finger and it feels just right there.  I could never take it off....I also still feel married...

I understand how you all feel about your dogs.  As you know, I lost my dear Ranger in April and it was devastating.  I am so grateful I still have Olive, she is also a poodle and is 8 1/2 years old, so now I'm worrying about her age and also feeling hyper-vigilant like Gwen.  Just don't want to lose another thing, but there is no choice is there?  Trying so hard to just appreciate her while she's here....hope your dogs are better and you can keep them for a long time....Cookie

On 8/18/2017 at 11:08 AM, kayc said:

I like this quote, I can relate to it.

Cookie, I do understand, the wasp sting I got 1 1/2 weeks ago was so bad...if I were closer to medical help I would have sought it, but instead chose to treat it myself...this is the first indication I had of being allergic to them and between that and my injuries from my fall 2 1/2 months ago, I am much more limited in what I can tackle around here.  It does leave us feeling vulnerable and in need of their help, which of course isn't there anymore.

Yes, it's scary.  I'm going to an allergist next week as they have immune shots.  I just don't feel like I can live like this....

On 8/17/2017 at 9:22 PM, Marg M said:

I had to go back to Hot Springs today, and just made a day of it.  Back home now.  Why do I have such a sad, negative reaction to a place that was so beautiful, and we were so happy.  It just plain hurts.  I cannot feel the beauty anymore.  Probably why I left as fast as I could.  I am not happy, but I am not as haunted here in this apartment with the boxes still unpacked, and I have no plans to unpack them.

Marg:  I've wondered about that myself.  Would moving out of the house we shared help in any way or make things worse.  It seems like it's worked for you.  I will be facing that in a few years and am a little anxious about it....Cookie

On 8/18/2017 at 5:09 PM, Gwenivere said:

I know I do.  I never gave death and it's effects much thought in my life until I lost mother.  It resolved itself normally for the flow of nature. Then other deaths came (father, Steve's parents, a close friend of Steve's) and then pets.  We were hit hard by all of them but because we had each other, we got thru.  Being alone now having to deal with his loss and those i know are coming are so magnified.  I've never done this before.  None of it.  I also need to increase my antidepressant in hopes of stopping my panic attacks but I have no real back up.  An APRN that says let her know how I am doing, but no idea how to help if it gets really tough.  Another situation I would not be in had Steve not died.  The fear is in the being alone, on everything.  I don't know if I take life for granted as I don't feel I have one beyond being here.  Purpose has fled.  Feeling like I matter or someone matters to me to keep going on has fled.  Doesn't leave much so I do what have to and waste/fill time waiting.  Mostly waiting for it to end.  I truly wish I could see a way of it ending without me ending.  I guess I feel impatient for death to come to me and that is of itselfa very scary place to be.  I think one of my dogs sense it, the last one we had together.   I wonder if that will push me over the edge as she is almost 12.  I've never had to lose a kid alone.

its like you said in another post, Kay......how did I get here?  I know the history of how, but I never foresaw this.  No one does.  But I still ask.  That is futile too.  My whole personality has changed.  I used to be happy.  Where did she go?

Gwen:  I can relate to so much that you say....a friend of mine has recommended CBD oil, saying it helps with depression and anxiety.  Now, this does not have THC in it, only trace and is legal.  I think I'd like to try it.  Does anyone here know anything about it or taken it?  I don't know if you're like me, always looking for anything that will help.  Fondly, Cookie

On 8/20/2017 at 0:03 PM, mittam99 said:

Something hit me last night. I was in bed and looking at the closet door and saw a shoe rack filled with Tammy's shoes and that got me to thinking...

Keep or Dispose/Remove/Donate etc... ??

For the most part, I've kept Tammy's things and in many cases they've barely moved an inch since she died. I thought about that rack of shoes and how I would feel if it was no longer there. For me anyway, there is a certain comfort in seeing Tammy's things. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself from the reality that she's no longer here. If the rack was gone I think I'd feel a serious twinge in the pit of my stomach.

I know for some people these physical reminders are painful. Something that emphasizes that their beloved is no longer here to use them.

So where are you at in your journey? Keep or remove?

Mitch:  It's been 2 years and 1 month for me.  Right after John died, I got rid of his underwear and socks right away.  I can't tell you why.  I kept his clothes for a year and a half....when I did take them away it hurt......it hurt with them here and hurts with them gone.  What I'm wondering is how I am going to move out of this house.  I have wanted to move since he died and then I started thinking it might really be harder than I thought.  He built this house, last thing he did.....could be really traumatic to leave.  Won't be moving for another couple of years, though.  But, I can say that everything I've sold or gotten rid of has hurt, like losing him all over again....Cookie

On 8/17/2017 at 4:46 PM, Eagle-96 said:

There are so many things about this that cannot be explained to those that have not gone through it. No amount of words can prepare someone for what we endure. I honestly don't think I could sit down and begin to try to prepare someone I knew was about to go through this. Not that I wouldn't want to, but I don't think it's possible. 

I agree.  I don't think it's possible to prepare.  I kind of stand in horror of anyone losing their beloved knowing what lies ahead......

On 8/17/2017 at 8:51 PM, Marg M said:

Cookie, my neighbor still has his wife.  He cannot get around much without his scooter, he is a very large man, not really fat, but anytime anyone asks him how he is doing, the only word he can ever say, and does not wait around for conversation.  He only knows one word, "TERRIBLE.

He does not want to talk about it so I only say "hello"  His little wife has serious heart trouble, but sometimes I think she calls the ambulance to get away.  Words are all loud and although no cursing, I cannot imagine our golden years so miserable.

Boy, that sounds rough.  He still has his wife....you can't help but feel, of if I only had my husband/wife, I would be so grateful and seemingly happy no matter what, but I know that his pain must be real for him.....

On ‎07‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 8:27 AM, kayc said:

Marie Lee,

I'm glad things went well, the beautiful wedding, the sights, getting to see your granddaughter.

Crappy dates is another reason I avoid it like the plague.  I never did enjoy the dating scene and it's been too many years.  It would be nice to have more friends, male or female.

Not sure how much you've read on here lately, I took a fall 8 weeks ago tomorrow.  Very bad.  Trying to heal from it, not sure how much I will.  Some permanent nerve damage to toes, messed up knees, dealing with pain and lack of sleep and money concerns over it.

I go through my days continuing to look for what is good in it.  I don't try to weigh it against the bad, comparisons never seem to help anyway, I take the good for its own value.

Good luck, look out for the frogs that come your way!

Just read this.  So sorry about your fall.  It is so hard to have something like that happen on top of everything else.  I recently had a bee event.  Got stung by a lot of ground hornets and now have a severe allergy, so can't do anymore mowing for now.  Will have to find someone and pay.  Go through anxiety and depression off and on, but keep telling myself it's just another life thing and I have to deal with it.  Wish you speedy recovery.....hugs, Cookie

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I've had fellow grievers who thought I should be "over it" because so many years have gone by.  I was told I was depressing, gave despair, by one griever.  They don't want to realize that there isn't an expiration date on grief.  They think there should be some steps they can take and be over it, move on.  I think I've done well to handle it as well as I have but I won't kid anyone, this isn't quick, this isn't easy, and it's never "over".  I will miss George until the day I die!  That doesn't mean I mope and cry all the time, I do my best to live as full a life as possible, but he is ALWAYS on my mind and in my heart!  He is my soulmate and best friend and even death cannot separate us!

Yes, I have had some of the most despairing comments from fellow grievers....they are the ones sometimes that want you to move on because I guess your pain causes them to feel their pain more (?).  I know another widow who always says so cheerily, "I'm doing really well," and never says she's having a hard time.  Can't relate to her and she always depresses me.  I feel like no matter what I do, I'm behind.  But, there is no behind is there?  This is all so convoluted sometimes......I do know what you mean about your husband.  Mine is always present too in my heart and I miss him so much all the time.  I do go out and do lots of things and most people think I'm "better," but they don't want to dip below the surface too much.....hugs, Cookie

George:  My heart goes out to you.  He sounds a lot like my mom was...saying thoughtless things, just throwing them out there.  I have to believe family is whoever you have connection to.  I have lost my sweet John (2 and 2 months also) and my son pretty much because he has a possessive wife.  It is now down to me and my daughter as bio family and she has a life of her own to get on with.  I look to friends for family mostly but it stings not having John here, which I imagine is the case for you missing your dear wife.  Take care, Cookie

2 hours ago, kayc said:

In the last 1 1/2 years my son stopped by once to pick up something, other than that I have had zero "visitors".  I spend my holidays alone.  George was the "fun" one, the sporadic one, the one in charge of our social life.  I go places, I see people, but I can't say as there's anyone that really cares.  If I died my kids would mourn a bit but it really wouldn't affect their everyday lives except for the inconvenience of having to settle my estate.  My sisters would miss me but none of them visit me.  I don't dwell overly on it, but it's nothing like the life George and I shared together.  We used to go camping, go for drives, take walks, go to the coast, even just watching a movie and sharing a meal was special.  How special is being alone?

I understand Kayc.  It was like that with my husband.  He was my best friend and the one I spent all my time with, and I also have a similar situation with family.  They all have their own lives....but, I love your posts.  You have a way of being so encouraging.  I'm always hoping you've posted.  Thanks, Cookie

SCBA:  I also had a dream last night of my dear husband.  I rarely dream about him, almost never, but last night he was there.  There was a lot of hugging and loving encouragement from him like he would do in life.  God, I would love to believe it was really him.  It felt wonderful anyway.  I recently had an event where I was weed-eating my upper pasture and hit a ground hornet's nest.  I got about 15 stings and ended up having to go to the ER.  First time in my life.  I've worked outside for years and gotten stung many times with no problems, but this time was different.  Now I'm being told I'm highly allergic to this bee and have to carry an EpiPen.  It's been very shocking and overwhelming for me as I do all the work now on this property and don't dare do it now.  So, I've been quite anxious and worried about how to manage this.  Was missing him so much.  He would be so grounding and comforting; maybe that is why I had that dream.  I needed it so much.  I loved the excerpt from Viktor Frankl's book...thanks.  Cookie

On ‎08‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 4:25 PM, Gwenivere said:

I haven't had someone say I'm handling this better or I seem OK, but I do know most everyone I am around probably sees it that way because by my own doing, I keep the horrid pain out of conversations or greetings.  The how are you ones.  The few times I have said more I either get that pity/relief it is not therm look or worse yet...advice.  I briefly mentioned it to a friend of Steve's and a reply to an email (saying things were same old, problems breathing, pain walking, and missing Steve so very much)  he sent about how he is drowning in all his social obligations and choices.  His response was.....'sounds like you are staying miserable.  I do hope you find a  better way soon, the old paradigm just ain't doing it it for you'.   I just sat and sobbed after reading it.    

I don't know if I would find it 'complmentary' or invalidating.  My counselors say I am doing a great job considering what has been thrown at me lately, but I don't feel that way.  But they acknowledge the deepmpain as well.

i guess we just have to take a look at what we project to judge what people say.  Or in some cases like the above, realize as always the person has not one clue of the reality of this.  It definitely cuts deeper when the person knows us rather than those wishing you a good day at the store to which my mind is saying silently....yeah, right.  

 

Gwen:  My heart goes out to you.  I know very well what you are talking about.  Most people I know really think things have to be better after 2 years.  I get the "you look a lot better" comment all the time, and the funny thing is I'm dying inside all the time.  So, how do I do it I wonder.  I should get an academy award I think.  You really do shut down after a certain amount of time because the world out there cannot accept the truth of where you still are.  It is a sad, painful and lonely place....hugs, Cookie

Brad:  Good for you; I wish you all the best.  I'm still looking for that special something that will give my life meaning again.  My husband, John, was an eighth grade math teacher, so I know how hard that job is, but also how rewarding.  I used to love helping him with class projects and going in and video-taping for him, etc.  The kids although challenging are so neat to interact with (I know not all the time!).  Please don't go away from here completely; you always write such interesting posts, but my guess is that you will be pretty busy....

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

Since we were kids who had never been on our own, we had a good time learning what the other liked.  Our time together was spent learning new ways to fish, going in at halftime to ballgames, cause it was free,  watching Billy play soft/baseball in the summer,  we had no money but there was plenty to do.  Over 54 years  we evolved into one unit.  Now I am less.  I will be writing less until my puter gets fixed.  This is on my Kindle.

Fifty-four years is a long time...for me 47.  And, when you started out young and went all those years together, grew up together so to speak, how do you have another relationship that you can be content in?  What's wrong with your computer? 

I've read these posts and agree with all.  I can't imagine being struck by magic that good twice in a lifetime.  Of course, I would love it.  Like a lot of you, John and I just went together and it seemed so lucky...real magic.  We had our ups and downs, but always had such a close connection and the downs seemed to enrich our relationship, especially in the later years.  Plus, I just miss him so darn much.  It's been 2 years and I yearn for him terribly.  I have a "hiking buddy" who recently let me know he had feelings for me.  I should have been flattered and I admire his courage in even bringing it up, but I have to say that it depressed me and made me feel awful.  I just want a friend.  In no way do I want to date.  It made me realize how un-ready I am for that and makes me miss John all the more because I just want him back, our life back and don't want to be in this situation at all.  I know he isn't coming back, but my hope is to eventually be at peace with my life alone with just good friends and "hiking buddies" who just want someone to hike with and enjoy the company.  Anyway, I let him know how I felt and it made him feel bad.  Don't know; don't like this.  Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 8:53 AM, kayc said:

I've had some intimate to me that I'm somehow prolonging my grief by coming here.  I don't find that to be true at all.  I've worked through my grief, I'm still learning, but then I find all of life a lesson and something in it for me.  My grief would be inside of me whether I come here or not.  Here I find understanding and support and am inspired by all of you, even when you don't find yourselves inspiring.  You're all my heroes whether you see it or not.

So many people don't understand grief at all.  We're in it and we don't understand it, but we feel it and know that a site like this could never prolong this thing, but could only help relieve some of the distress.  It's that old thing of ignore it and it will go away, which it won't.....gotta feel it, that's what I'm always being told by my counselor and what I have been fighting since the day he died.  It's hard enough to let yourself feel the feelings without people reinforcing that you should run away from them.....hugs Cookie

On ‎06‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 5:56 PM, me-alone said:

Hi Cookie, I am in that same boat also.  I am heading for 6 yrs and at our age with nothing to look forward too. I just think I am ticking off time. It will get easier in time but not what we want. Hugs

Yes, it feels like just putting in time a lot.  Never wanted to live life like this; always had great aspirations to make a difference, be excited about being alive; that seems to have gotten lost in all this.  Wonder if I will ever be excited about life again?  Anyway, hugs to you too....Cookie

11 hours ago, Nightwinds said:

This was my answer to the idiot. I posted it all over my Facebook.  I'm not sure who wrote this or even where I got it*  

 

 

"Grief means loss. Grief means pain and suffering. Grief means mourning.

Grief means someone or something you love is gone. Grief means a gaping hole in your heart.

Grief means that things will never be the same again.

I see posts about the “stages of grief” and the “grief process” — and I hate it.

It makes it sound so sterile, so clinical, so neatly organized.

I hear people wondering when someone will “get over” or “get past” their mourning and “move on with their life” — and I hate it.

It makes it sound so easy.

It makes it sound as if having something or someone ripped out of your life isn’t profoundly life-altering, as if you aren’t living and breathing every day with something that has wounded your soul, as if you’re defective when someone feels your “official mourning period” should be over.

As if the space in your heart that has someone’s name on it should be boarded up, or worse, cleaned up and ready for occupation, all the cobwebs of pain swept away.                   As if it didn’t matter. As if that space could be filled up and smoothed over by time like patch…
Grief isn’t something that we “get past” or “get over” so much as we learn to live in spite of.

It’s learning to breathe and walk all over again. And again. And again.

It comes and goes like waves. The holes in our hearts are like the sand on the beach. It erodes and it fills with the tide, but it’s never actually exactly the same again.

And like the tide, it doesn’t really stop.

And the truth is, you don’t want it to. Because grief is the price we pay for deep love. Mourning means we had something worth missing.

And that’s OK.

Because the alternative is never having had that beauty in your life.
Some days — even years from now — the pain will stun you, but some days you can smile at a memory without it being through tears. Some days the pain of them not being here will be a physical ache, others you’ll feel as if they’re smiling and standing right by you and others you’ll feel numb".

*[Source: https://downtherabbithole397.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/grief-and-perseverance/]

I keep getting the question, "Are you getting better?"  I feel like I must have a sickness or that is what others see it as....then I think I need to get "better." 

On 7/23/2017 at 9:38 AM, kevin said:

 

This week was a little bit of deja vu........Two years ago ,same grandson and father just finished a perfect visit.....Left on a Saturday Morning.....Angela died that afternoon in a Movie Theater.....You never know what the day may bring........happy for the Memories

 

Kevin:  Two years is nothing....everyone thinks that's a long time, but really not.  It's been 2 years for me also.....

2 hours ago, Marie Lee said:

Hi everyone-Been out of the loop and did some reading trying to catch up mon how everyone is doing ..  

You all say so many things that are   

impactful and downright genius and I wrote them Down to remember.., mostly it's one of Marge's ..

The " eff" story Marty posted hit the nail on the head..

Gwen: You're such a loving soul surely Steve is so close to you - holding you - maybe so close he's literally a part of you.. holding you up...

Tried to quote this part of Gwens post but it didn't work right - Gwen said:

I miss him making fun of me.  To me and telling his friends some crazy thing I did.  But all with love in his heart.  More to the point, he noticed me.  There are so many little things I don't bother with any more because no one notices like he did.   I try but to no avail...

 

Isn't that the heart of it all?

He noticed me...

Sending much love- Marie Lee

Yes, I feel that keenly now, that feeling like no one notices....such a loss and sad feeling....Cookie