Cookie

I would like to send another view of Sheryl's book.  When I found out about it and read her interview and an article in Time magazine, it made me feel horrible, like a failure, even though most people say it should be hopeful.  Then I read this article and it gave me hope again.  I could relate to this article better and so I am sending it in case there is anyone else who had a bad reaction to the Sheryl Sandberg book.  There is something about seeing yourself in something that is comforting.  I'm not saying I'm against the book, I just think it's in the "positive thinking" vein that has caused me so much trouble, like I don't measure up somehow.  Don't get me wrong, I wish I were Sheryl Sandberg and had her attitude (maybe her life also).  I don't think I'm negative, it's just that deep down I have that great ache....

My experience of grief looks nothing like Sheryl Sandberg’s

On ‎05‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 4:17 PM, Dr Lenera said:

I've tended to steer clear of drinking during the day for the most part except for sometimes [but not very often] one glass while I'm watching a movie or something....but perhaps one or two glasses during the day and the same in the evening is somewhat better than a whole bottle, or close to it, in the evening as it's spread out more. I don't like the fact that I drink alone either. It is such an easy trap to fall in. One day I'll stop....one day....

I definitely drink more now that John is gone.  He always had a beer or glass or two of wine every night and I would occasionally.  Now that he is gone, I have at least a glass of wine every night.  Worried me for a while until my doctor said it's okay.  Definitely helps me relax and sleep, which "they" say isn't good for sleep.  You've got to have some comfort.  None of the other things seem to work!  Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 7:06 PM, R.Everit55 said:

I'm sorry to bring this heart wrenching news on my grandson.  He stroked out and has no brain function which is worse than what occurred yesterday.  At least there was hope then.  Allen cannot get Katie to accept what is.  I am having a hard time doing well as well.  Please pray for our family.  I know you have all carried my family a long way.  I thank you from all of our hearts.  

Butch

So sorry Butch...I will hold you in my heart.....Cookie

Gin and Kayc:  Just hoping more, a lot more time will help even things out.  There is no other feeling like this.....sending my love and caring to all. 

You know, I used to spend a lot of time wondering when things would get better, but I think I'm coming to feeling like they won't really...just learning to cope seems to be the objective.  I worked overtime trying to get back into life, going everywhere I was invited, finding a part-time job, on and on.  It will be 2 years in June and I feel awful and so also feel like maybe never is the answer to when.  Having a bad day....sorry to be so negative, but I am having more negative times than I did in the first year because I actually thought by 2 years surely things would feel more normal or better somehow.  I miss him more....

On ‎05‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 11:47 PM, Gwenivere said:

I've lived with panic disorder for 30 years.  My real pre existing condition was/is watching my best friend lose his life.  I hate labels  in grief as they try to catagorize us.  Our relationship with our partner is so unique.  It cant be compared to others beyond what we miss and experience because of it.  So what might be complicated for me might not for another and vice versa.  All I want from my counselor and people I run into is validation that this is most changing experience I will ever face emotionally.  

Perfectly stated Gwen....

On ‎01‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 1:50 PM, AB3 said:

I can relate so much to this feeling I think we all can. Feels like we are all floating in an alternate reality somewhere. I'm so sorry you have to feel like this also. 

Oh my goodness, 57 years and I thought 47 was a lot.....it is shocking to be without that person when you've spent almost your whole life with them.  So sorry for us all.  Hugs, Cookie

On ‎05‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 7:59 AM, scba said:

Today is our aniversary. The third without him here. I want to wake up from this spiritual hell I'm living. I came back to my functioning routine quite successfully but my life is empty and lacks of sense and purpose. I don't know how I will make it through this day without breaking in tears. Oh yes, by being strong, resilient, numb and so on...

My former life must have been just a dream.

I know you're not supposed to say this, but I know how you feel.  Functioning but lacking inside...everyone thinking you're all back to normal because you are functioning on the outside....no one sees all the misery inside.  Feel for you.....this is so hard.  Hugs to you, Cookie

Thanks for sharing everyone.  I get so depressed thinking there must be something really wrong with me that after almost 2 years (June 13th) I still feel so empty, lonely and lacking in direction.  This must take so much longer than I ever imagined. 

Yes, I feel indifference too.  I can tell.  Certain things used to get me a little excited or interested.  It seems that nothing does that for me now....just going along doing what I have to do.....

Marg:  I like your soup spoon word salads; some really important things are said in them.  I relate to grief making your life feel empty even with people all around.  I've been trying to wrap my head around this phenomenon.  Having you state it helped to clarify it for me.  I see lots of people and talk to family often but still feel so empty and alone.  Now the question is, how to rectify that?  Keep talking.  Fondly, Cookie

I don't know if I will ever have someone again.  I've been reading these posts and I'm happy for everyone who is having that experience.  It's not that I think I can have a John clone; it's more that he set the bar pretty high.  I have a male friend I do things with and just can't imagine getting that kind of close with him.  Also, I'm in my 60s and feel like it would be a miracle if I met someone in my age range who I could get excited about or him me.  A widower would be the best I think.  I dream about it....but I guess I don't think the odds are high.  I am lonely for male companionship and closeness; guess I should never say never; miracles do happen---I met John didn't I?

On ‎05‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 0:24 PM, kayc said:

I read Marty's link, it's pretty much as I thought.  But personally, I just don't see how they can label it complicated grief when we all experience it...at least those of us who had a great relationship worth grieving.  This is normal, if you ask me!  To label all of us as complicated grief is to trivialize it for those who truly do have COMPLICATED grief!

I'm thinking what they mean by complicated grief is that you can't function in day-to-day life just practically speaking.  But the problem is that when you speak of how you feel, and sometimes that can be bad, people interpret that to mean you're not functioning.  When I talk about how I feel inside, it probably sounds scary to someone outside....but, I function, albeit with a heavy heart.  I believe that what we all feel is very normal after losing something so near and precious....like having moved to a foreign country and not knowing how to speak the language....that is that lost feeling and missing so badly the familiar and what made you feel so good.  Cookie

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was talking about this very thing with my counselor and a woman I know because I am always expecting something bad to keep happening.  I really want to change that thinking but it's hard.  I know it is just life happening, but in grief it feels like we are targets and it is so exhausting doing the routine things and fixing things that go wrong.  I am looking into is attracting negativity by my attitude.  If that is all I pay attention to, that is like pulling it to me.  It was suggested I take just a couple of minutes to either note something I am grateful for or just 'be' in a moment in a different way.  Notice the little things happening and ignore my mind screaming at me to feel bad.  There is more than enough time in the day to do that.  I know I am not doing myself any favors starting every day expecting it to be the same as the last.  I'm only speaking for myself, but I know I have a very negative attitude and for good reason.  I'll let myself feel negative too.  But maybe, just maybe, I can train my brain to see there are good things out to take notice of them little by little.  Maybe not, but this perpetual 'gray' I live in is sucking the life out of me.  I don't even know if this post makes any sense because intense grief has retired my brain for two and a half years.  Talk about not recognizing yourself.  Plus it graced me with its presence months before during Steve's serious decline and death of one of beloved furry kids.  

I think I am in a very similar situation to yours....the grief of watching John go down, the seemingly suddenness of it when it happened, the loss of my sweet dog.....it is so hard to feel hopeful.  I am interested in brain science.  If you find a way to rewire your brain, please share....I do believe the brain is pretty powerful.  I have been trying some calming apps and ones for sleep.  They maybe help a little.  I find I get anxious trying to follow the instructions, though.....Take care, Cookie

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Personally, just my opinion for what it's worth , I don't think it's complicated grief.  To me that speaks of something else involved with it.  To me this is common grief, all of us feel like this, good grief!  How many of us feel hunky dory whether it's one year or ten!  The things we used to enjoy no longer bring us that excitement.  We are grieving!  It's not over in two years, it's not over in ten!  We will continue to miss that person that lit up our lives!  I feel like Marg, that they're too quick to assess and label us like we're some kind of specimen.  Maybe that justifies our still seeing a grief counselor when they bill the insurance, so they affix a code.  But really, it means nothing.  We just miss our spouse.

Thanks for the support; I am coming to that conclusion......Cookie

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

Gonna rant a little.  I don't like them using any grief on a psychiatric DSM code.

Gwen, Cookie, all the others, we all have our moments, hours, days.  Got a whole lot on my mind right now.  Lots and lots of family worry.  No fussing thank goodness.  

I know "complicated grief" now has a psychiatric code, but you know what used to also?  Transgender and homosexual.  They took them off the list.  I used to type psych reports all the time, cannot remember what they are called, DSM codes?  

Grief is complicated.  It is traumatic and complicated, and confusion, and foggishness, forgetting everything, sometimes can be downright dangerous.  But complicated grief as a psychiatric code?  I am sure there are rules and regulations for such things, and I remember stories of grief complications, but a  DSM psychiatric code?  I guess that means we carry it too far for "normal" human actions.  

Someone tell me what that means?  Normal human actions.  That damn code is just that, it doesn't describe you, or me, or them, or they.  Find a cure for cancer, but let us grieve the next 1, 5, 10, 20 years we have left.  My grandmother still grieved after 18 years, as if he had died the day before.  Yet she lived her "complicated" grief alone, way out in the country, kept her grocery store accounts with a #2 pencil on a Big Chief tablet, and no one cheated her.  All five feet of her collected the debts that were owed her, no gun, no threats, just the perfect stamina of someone that had determination, and the mountain caved in to her bravery complicated grief life.  That little ratty store left money to all six surviving kids and each were given acreages of land.  One little five feet tall plain ole southern smarts with about a 9th grade education.  And she never quit missing my grandfather.  Outlived him about 25 years.  She never gave up.  One cardiologist told her she needed to walk for exercise.  So she walked that road from one telephone pole to the next and back.  When her main cardiologist found out he was livid.  She was not supposed to be exerting herself like that.  

My marriage could be a very complicated marriage, why shouldn't my grief be the same?  

Guess you need a soup spoon for this salad.  I think I have been angry a lot lately...............maybe that is complicated grief.   

Love you, Marg.......

On ‎04‎/‎23‎/‎2017 at 4:45 AM, Gwenivere said:

It's another Saturday night alone.   Our good Groundhog Day tradition was date night.  It's been almost 30 months.  I sit here now almost all the time so aware I will not see him again here.  I can't get the thought out of my head.  We all know it.  I'm trying to figure out why it has become almost obsessive thinking now.  I know it would help if I felt healthy.  The combination of various maladies that now are my companion from waking to bed make it hard to get outside myself.  And then I wonder if I would even feel this bad had he not left.  How did I get to feeling so old in just a couple of years?  

After all this time, I still can't figure out how I will live without him.

 

Gwen:  I can relate to what you said.  I'm also still trying to figure out if I can live without him.  I see a counselor and have been diagnosed with "complicated grief" because it's almost 2 years and I still feel so bad.  That made me feel worse, but he says it's not uncommon.  I left feeling like a failure and like there is something really wrong with me after all.....my husband died and I can't seem to get back into enjoying life; I guess that is what is wrong.  So much for the timeline.  You know they say there is no timeline but if you don't shape up and act content, then you get a label--complicated grief.  So sorry for your suffering.  I have to tell you I feel physically healthy but it doesn't make me feel better...I know, it should.  It's funny actually.  I do enjoy things at times and I keep doing and going; it's just my heart isn't in anything and I feel very sad inside most of the time.  Okay, enough of that.  Hugs to you, Cookie

22 hours ago, Gin said:

I woke up suddenly last night and had the feeling that I forgot to let the dog in.  First I reached over to ask Al if he let him in.  Well, you know what that is like.  So, I jumped up and went to check.  Then I could not remember letting him in the night before.  Then I  worried that he has been out for days.   Finally I realized that my dog has been dead for close to 10 years!  What is that all about?   

Grief brain is my guess.  Thanks for sharing because sometimes I think I am the only one and it's comforting to know that others suffer with the same maladies.  Hugs to you...Cookie

37 minutes ago, kayc said:

I too want to say I'm so sorry for your experience yesterday, Marg, that must have been more than frustrating!  I'm glad she has you for an advocate!

I had a very frustrating day Monday, took me 2 1/2 hours to file an insurance claim on the mouse damage to my car, the agent said it wouldn't raise my rates but after I filed they said it could raise them.    They left me very unclear about how to proceed with this since they informed me I'm not covered for a rental car, I need to have my A/C checked at the service place which the insurance doesn't have "on their list" but they want the console and seat taken care of by a "collision place" even though this wasn't a collision.  It's going to involve me bringing the car in and waiting all day each time they work on something, and I'm 65 miles away!  Then I got an email from social security telling me I need two step security (which I tried to set up last summer but they wouldn't do it)...it'd be simple if cell phones worked at my house but they don't, no texting either.  So they're basically wanting me to do something I can't do.  I held for an hour to talk to them on the phone to no avail.  I tried again yesterday, nope!  Oh boy, I get to try again today!  The thing is, there is no other day this whole month when I'll be home all day so it makes it hard.  When did I have time to work and commute?

Okay, enough rant.  You all have these days too!

Feeling so bad for you Kayc.  Yes, I've had many exasperating times too.  It's so hard also when you have this underlying grief and feeling of being left alone with all of it.  I hope it all works out well for you.  I think one problem I have is that after any bad situation, I start worrying about what is going to be next.  I have to learn to stop doing that.  Some one told me I would be inviting negativity to come to me...oh boy, that was great to hear.  I don't believe that.  Things just happen.  Good wishes to you....Cookie

22 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Cookie thanks for the book recommendation.  We are missing the love of our partners and any reassurances from friends so finding anything that helps us find hope is welcome.  The simple things in life seem so complicated now that I am alone.

I hope it helps a little....just want to give you a big hug.  I understand about everything being complicated.  This is hard, I know.....fondly, Cookie

34 minutes ago, kayc said:

That's good, Cookie, "cheerleaders".  I think we need a balance...people to encourage us and inspire us on, but people who validate us where we are.  I'm sure none of the "cheerleaders" mean to discount your feelings but it can sure come across that way sometimes, can't it?!

Yeah it can. I know most people "mean well," but I've decided that some of that cheerleading is maybe indicative of their own wanting desperately to feel better or wanting desperately for you to feel better.  It seems like since John died, I've spent so much time just working (like a job) on ways to feel better and get very distressed when it hasn't turned out the way I thought it would.  I've followed all the suggestions.  The world needs better education about how big and deep grief is and that just caring support is the best thing.  I mean, we all want to feel better and are working in all of our ways to get there.  I don't think we need lectures or advice (unless asked for) on how to do that; it actually feeds into that feeling of being incompetent when people are telling you what you need to do.  I already know what to do, just getting waylaid by that feeling of disconnection because I lost my biggest connection.  I personally feel the most hope when people hang in there and just reassure me that I am doing the best I can in a horrible situation, maybe listen some, just keep being a friend.  Hugs to all....Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎30‎/‎2017 at 8:25 PM, olemisfit said:

I know i'm not alone feeling that way, but there really is no comfort in that. It's sad that any of us would feel this way. Yesterday began week # 70 (but whose counting!) without my precious Cookie. We were so much a part of each other that it just isn't right for me to try to exist without that appendage that i relied on so much. I've never been addicted to any kind of drug, but i can imagine that the longer a person is addicted to it the harder it would be to get free of it. I am so blessed for Cookie and i to be a part of each other's life for 41+ years. But i'm like that addict that was addicted to his drug of choice for 41 years, and then was told that he couldn't have it anymore. But still wants it desperately. He enjoyed the drug. He fell in love with it. He was an addict by choice. And then his life was turned upside down and inside out when it was taken away from him. And then he was told to live the rest of his life as that non-addict, and be happy about it. That's how i feel with my Cookie being gone. She was my drug of choice. I want to still be able to get up every day and have my Cookie "fix".  I can't, and that absolutely SUCKS!! I never was able to have that good cry that is supposed to be so helpful. But there isn't a single day that comes and goes that i don't spend every minute of it missing the heck out of her. I still don't sleep well at all. The bed is just toooooo empty now. I do try the best my circumstances allow me to to take care of myself, but i often wonder why i bother. I pretty much became a recluse when Cookie passed, and still am. Being around other people just seems like more trouble than it's worth. I suppose that makes me a world class jerk, But i suppose i've also got some Popeye in me. I yam what i yam.

Darrel

Darrel:  I can relate to what you are saying.  It's almost 2 years for me and I still yearn terribly for my husband, John.  It does get a little daunting when so much time passes by but it seems to have stood still in many ways.  I just wanted you to know you are not alone in what you are feeling.  And, the being around other people thing is hard.  For me, it's because I feel disconnected in a sense.  I'm with mostly people who haven't had this experience and it makes me feel lonelier. I would love to find some people who have experienced a loss like this and are real about it.  The grief groups I have been to have so many members who spend the time telling you how to feel better instead of letting you just say where you are, which I would think would make me feel better....( I call them cheerleaders).  Take care, Cookie

23 hours ago, Marie Lee said:

Hello everyone, I so needed to read all this today. Still struggling....in every way, really....as we all are.

We had Evelyn's first birthday party here Sat....it was beautiful....had a professional photographer to capture the family,etc...It's not often both children, their spouses and grandchildren are together...

I try to stay in the moment, but I can't help but be a tiny bit sad inside, I have a pic of me ant my grandbabies....I picture Kev right behind us, with his big lumberjack arms around us....

I have some major financial decisions to make without my rock. I don't mind putting myself out there at meetups, etc....but I do get so tired of making myself stay strong, be social,reach out ...doing everything alone.....

Will I ever get used to that?

With love to all, Marie

ps a scripture I had today was of Paul saying forgetting the past and pushing forward to the future....

 

trying to to find that energy to push forward....

Marie:  I feel for you.  Yes, it's so hard to have to do this all alone now.  I still feel it at almost 2 years.  Tired of being the one to make all the decisions.  Also tired of the work of everything, wondering when it gets easier at some time.  Cookie

Gin:  I'm sorry you had to endure that person's ignorance.  I have also had people say the rudest things to me.  Six months after John died, one "friend" told me I needed to just let it go, that he had.  He lost his wife 3 months after John.  At almost 2 years, it's even worse.  People really just assume that's enough time.  So much for having your own timeline.  I have felt pressured from the beginning to get over this and now it's even worse from just about everybody....this widow/widower's journey sure is lonely and stressful.  Almost no one can just let you be.  I mean sometimes you're hurting and just need to be heard and it seems impossible for most people to just say I'm sorry or give you a hug.  It's such a simple thing you would think. 

Gwen:  It is hard to get rid of things.  I was able to do away with most of his clothes, but now it's the tools and trying to sell them that is excruciating.  This is a kind of hell.  I read a book called "Walking in the Garden of Souls," which made me feel better.  It talks about how the souls of our loved ones are always with us (of course, I wish I could feel or be aware of it), but just the idea makes me hope.  So, hopefully when this hell is done, we'll get to join our loved ones in a beautiful place......Cookie

Heartfelt thanks to you all.  I know we're all in this together and bless you for sharing your stories.  I loved the rainbow bridge story.  Down below is Ranger at about 2 months and with John just before he died.  I am missing my two guys, but see them riding together always...love to all, Cookie