Cookie

I am dealing with more grief this week.  My sweet standard poodle, Ranger, who was 13 died on Saturday.  I knew it was coming but that does not help.  People used to say, well at least you knew the end was near and you had time about John dying of cancer.  Well, it doesn't help one bit.  It's still shocking, horrible and devastating.  John and I got Ranger together.  Ranger went down almost the same way as John, a long, slow unwinding and then suddenly he was gone.  Feeling so much sorrow, wondering will I ever see the light of day again, so much loss.  One foot in front of the other, I know.  Heartbreak on top of heartbreak.  Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎18‎/‎2017 at 11:54 PM, Nightwinds said:

I know everyone on this board has lost a husband or wife but for some reason I still feel all along be in my grief. Like no one can hurt this bad and survive it. 

Keeping myself busy to the point of exhaustion has got me through the last  18 days and I barely remember the 4 before his service. 

I keep thinking today will be better...  and it's not. Today was one of the worst since the first few days. I feel numb but hurt so bad in my chest I can barely take a breath. 

I have done crazy stuff. I can't read (reading is my escape and I go through 3-5 books a week). I haven't been able to read since the day he died. Read a paragraph and can't remember what I just read.

I guess I'm lost as crazy as that sounds. 

No, you are not crazy, maybe crazy with grief.  What you say is so familiar to me and probably a lot of people on here.  I too was a big reader...it's been almost 2 years (June) and I'm just getting to where I can read some.  He and I used to read together in the evenings.  The worst part is that most of what I used to enjoy, I don't have the heart for anymore.  I have to make myself to do things, and I do.  This is all really hard.  I'm still going, though, and do have times of fun now.  My heartfelt thoughts are with you.  You are not alone....Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 1:21 PM, Patty65 said:

Last night at Maui Pasta, while I was starting my teaching at the local university, my evening class, I got a call from Maui Pasta that the fire department was called, due to electrical burning smell and a very hot wall around the electrical panel.  I left class to find the fire department had shut off power.  "Luckily" we avoided a full out fire - my staff did.  When the electrician showed up, he gave the ok to turn on partial power, but the breakers that were fried, and not tripped properly, cannot go back on, including our pasta maker and chef's refrigerator, and display refrigerator, the main components to our business.  We have a FULL walk in full of products to go out for delivery.  We managed to save that, 

The landlords want us out, the legal battle is stewing, and now he has his reason.  I've talked to a cousin who is a lawyer in New York, because our lawyer is a friend - a parent from my daughter's youth - is not equipped for heavy litigation, and the lawyer who is quite brilliant to handle the June 5 Eviction Trial we are fighting will cost $10,000 for a retainer.  My cousin says all sorts of stuff we need to do -- file an "order to show cause" for a "constructive eviction" because we are now unable to run the business.

I've been sick in the bathroom all morning.  I have no idea what we will do.  I'm almost done with the fight. It looms too large.  I will have to face the landlord this morning.  His only defense will be to blame us, ours to blame him, and we are so out of money to fight this.

Please hold me and Maui Pasta in your thoughts.  Trying so hard to hold on through this nightmare. So much for saving Ron's legacy.

Patty

I'm so sorry for what is happening to you.  I will hold you in my thoughts and I wish you well....Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎05‎/‎2017 at 4:19 PM, Gin said:

Mike's girl,

So sorry you are  having such a hard time.  I think we all felt that way, and to a large extent  still do.  I miss my husband something terrible and he has been gone 18 months.  "How do you do it?"  I don't think we "do" anything.  Things just happen to us and we deal with it the best we can.  Horrible thoughts come and we fall apart.  Eventually you will incorporate this hole in your life and live your life the best you can.  It will never be the way it was, but you will make a life for yourself.

Yes, Gin:  It is a bit like flying by the seat of your pants.  There is no way, just going through the days it seems and doing the best we can.  Hugs to all.....Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 11:03 AM, Mike's Girl said:

Thank you everyone for your kind words of encouragement.  I know that this is just the beginning of a long, hard journey, but with God's help, I believe that it can be a fruitful one.  Michael would want me to continue with my life and try to make it as joyful as possible.  With God's help, that's what I shall do.  One day at a time.

When Michael asked me to marry him, he confessed to me that he had a genetic disorder called Marfan Syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder. He said he was prone to developing dissections and aneurysms and warned me that they could occur at any time.  He said he already had one in 1985 that almost killed him and resulted in an artificial heart valve.  He said he wanted to explain everything to me before I answered his question, because it was a crap shoot to put my future in his hands.  I said "yes" anyway, because he is the love of my life and my best friend.  I couldn't imagine my future without him and I would take what I could get!  Unbeknownst to him, I lived with a constant fear that he would be stricken and I would lose him.  This has been my nightmare.  

But, we had 26 wonderful years together, 24 of them happily married.  Yes, we went through many health scares with him.  He encountered many dissections and aneurysms, but with God's merciful hand, He kept him on this Earth.  My nightmare was constantly on my mind and many times almost came to fruition.  Michael endured so much physical pain and mental anguish from the disease.  He lost his ability to work and was put on disability in 2009.  He suffered constant pain from the many surgeries he had to endure.  That man constantly amazed me.  Even though he had this constant worry of possible death hanging over his head, he always faced each day with a smile, grateful of his life, our love, and God's mercy.  We always said that God was keeping him here for a reason.  

Well, January of this year, we were thrown a complete stunner...Michael was diagnosed with bladder cancer.  This was a new health scare that we haven't encountered before.  We quickly went into "medical mode" and called all the doctors, made all the appointments, got the plan set up for dealing with the problem and getting it taken care of so we could continue on with life.  Michael favorite saying whenever he was faced with another surgery, "Just get it over with so I can start healing."  The cancer was seen during a cystoscope at the beginning of January.  CTs were done and we found it was still contained in the bladder wall, not outside of the bladder, nor in the lymph nodes.  Praise God!  During the next couple weeks, surgery was scheduled to remove his bladder.  Before we could finalize the plans with Moffitt and the oncologist, the surgeon said he saw something on his CTs he didn't like and ordered a PET scan.  A week went by and the PET scan was performed.  The day we were to go to the oncologist for the PET scan results, Michael was feeling too much pain and sickness to get out of bed.  I went myself and was told that it was Stage IV and inoperable.  That was on Tuesday Feb. 21st.  By Thursday Feb. 23rd, Michael was admitted into one of the local hospitals.  By the following Friday, Mar. 3rd, he was gone.  Renal Failure caused by Sepsis was the official diagnosis.  He died surrounded by family and friends, with me holding his hand.  I got to watch that sweet, miracle of a man take his last breath.  It was a blessing to be loved by such a tender heart and a privilege to carry his name.

There it all is.  There's our story.  These past two months have completely rocked my world.  I'm now faced with a future that I'm completely unsure of, knowing that I now face it alone.  I'm extremely grateful that Michael isn't in pain any more, nor did he have to endure any of the ramifications of cancer treatment.  By the end, his oncologist said that he probably wouldn't have survived the treatments anyway.  He was just too weak.  His body had enough.  Now, I'm the one in pain.

One day at a time, Dear Lord...

Mike's girl:  So sorry for your loss and the shock of it.  My husband had throat cancer but we thought he was clear.  After 3 years, we got the news in April that it had recurred and he was dead by June, so I understand the shock thing.  It's been almost 2 years and I still feel the shock of it.  I wish you peace.....Cookie

I have also read all the "grief" books.  At first, they gave me hope because I thought, oh this will come to an end.  Now, I also feel a little hopeless.  It will be 2 years in June and in some ways I hurt more than I did and still don't see a future.  I really just want some peace.  I still get triggered so easily by everything.  Does that ever end, I wonder?  I can be in neutral (my description of not feeling intense pain) and then just some little thing will have me back in intense pain.  I am getting so tired of it.....I miss him so much...I can't see anything better in front of me.  I am also losing my standard poodle, Ranger; he's 13 and his winding down is so much like what happened to John almost 2 years ago.  It's gut wrenching.  He might have a week or two left....I feel like I can barely stand to lose him.  So much loss and sorrow.....Cookie

Dave:  I really feel for you.  I don't understand ex-spouses who are so mean-spirited.  I can see how that was a distraction (actually way more of a distraction).  You sound like you were doing the best you could under very stressful circumstances and had so much love for Dana.  We've all got to get on top of this guilt thing...it's a killer.  I think what Kayc said about the unfairness of life is so hard to deal with.  It's so true.  Things just aren't fair.  I, too, wonder why so many good people die young or of something horrible and then you'll know a real selfish person who survives everything....maybe they need to stick around longer to learn some lessons.  I don't know, but I feel for you.  Take care, Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 5:28 PM, Gwenivere said:

It dawns on me that I have spent over 2 years in a world I never knew existed.  It's all around me yet I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how familiar it looks, it's as alien as if I were dropped into some alternate reality.  I'm scared all the time, taking meds to try and control that yet I'm restless and lost.  I hate that crying often doesn't help anymore and places I go that brought me pleasure are but tasks to kill time.  That deciding what to have for dinner is exhausting now.  A friend said she used to admire my independence but she is sad that is gone.  It hurt to hear but is true.  I didn't only lose the world I knew but what made it a place I felt a part of the world I was ripped from landing.....here.  I don't even know where here is, but have to live in it.  I want to go home.

Oh, Gwen:  I feel like I want to "go home" too.  John was my home.  Yes, this is a different and very unpleasant place I too exist in now.  I keep trying to make something comfortable, but haven't had any luck so far.  Need a little hope.....looking for anything.  It is a comfort to hear the things I myself feel said on this site; a comfort in the sense that if others in grief feel this, maybe there is hope....I'm not irrevocably lost, the only one.....Cookie

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I love the quote.  Wish I could master it.  Every day I know will be the start of another.  I always wish I were wrong when I go to bed, but I haven't been.

I don't know exactly when it changed for me, but somewhere past in ther 2nd year the reality hit that this was it.  He is never going to be a part of my life again and fear I have never experienced to this depth poured in.  I live with it daily.  I wish I could handle it a day at a time like I did.  There is something about 'knowing' it intellectually and feeling it so deep it can't be balanced in me yet.  I keep asking my counselors what I am waiting for, an epiphany that will relieve some of the ypain?  Make it livable enough to take some interest in something?  I can't imagine what it would be as each day seems to bring another thing to miss him for.  This is beyond the usual wanting him here physically.  This morning my sound system on the computer was buzzing very loud.  I fixed it as always.  Alone.  How I miss not calling for him to do it.  I've had to learn more things about running technology than I ever wanted to know.  I hate it, wasn't my job.  Now everything is my job and it's exhausting and depressing.  And on top of it I wonder how can I have these 2 jobs now and feel so empty and apathetic.  Grief it's a formidable advisary.  Right now it is bigger and stronger than me.  Just because I get up and dressed every day doesn't mean squat to me.  In bed I am afraid so I get up.  It just goes on and on.  I've never been in worse shape physically either.  I know the stress of my loss has intensified everything.  I went from being a slowly aging person to acceleration in the last year.  I'm trying to figure out what to do when crying just doesn't help much anymore.  

Better stop here.  I hate feeling pitiful and I do.  Something else I've never experienced.  Being an 'advanced member' now at 29 months also confuses me as I feel I am sliding more into the abyss of grief.  I truly have nothing positive to say about this adjustment.  Everything I do I knew I was capable of.  It's scary feeling worse every day.  I keep hearing nothing is wrong with me considering, but it sure doesn't feel that way.  

Gwen:  As usual, I can relate to all you are saying.  It's been 22 months for me and if anything I'm having a harder time.  Wasn't prepared for this either; kept thinking it would get somewhat better.  I too get really scared that I'm feeling such deep grief still and feeling like there is no end to this.  My oldest dog is also winding down, the standard poodle he and I raised and loved together.  Having terrible triggering memories of his death; it seems so similar.  How to get out of this.....same as all of you; get up, go through the day, go to bed, start all over again.  Still hoping there is light at the end of this long tunnel.....Cookie

I am going to chime in with kind of the same sentiments.  I also had a great marriage with John, but I also wish I had known time would be so short (even though we were married 47 years).  He had just retired and we were talking about traveling, etc.  We had been pretty poor in the early years and worked hard so that we could have the time after we were done working.  But now, I wish we had done that more even while we were working, just made the time and figured out how to do it instead of waiting for retirement.  I guess we thought we had so many years left....he was so healthy seeming up until he was diagnosed.  We did have a very rich relationship and did quite a few things together.  But, that is the way you live your life isn't it?  Not thinking it's going to end, but just riding the wave of joy and feeling like it will go on forever....peace to all, Cookie

Thank you all for talking to me and sharing your own special experiences about this.  It is a comfort to hear from others who know what this is.  I will try and let it be....Cookie

This is interesting.  I wasn't prepared for it....I am now just starting to feel so much guilt when I think of when John died.  I couldn't get to sleep last night wondering if I could have loved him more.  It's complicated because he was very independent and wanted to do things for himself and yet vulnerable.  I loved him so much and tried to take care of him, but the night he died, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and noticed he wasn't breathing real well.  Now, he wore a CPAP mask because the throat cancer had restricted his breathing.  I rolled over and adjusted his mask, was half asleep, and now I'm wondering if somewhere deep down I didn't check him carefully on purpose.  I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and he really wasn't breathing well....taking a breath every 5 seconds or so.  I pulled his mask off then and called my daughter and we proceeded to try and do CPR.  He died 10 minutes later.  I feel guilty because I wonder why I was doing CPR when I should have just held him and talked to him.  Don't know why this is coming back with such intensity now.  I guess I wish I had just held him the first time and loved on him.  It's all so complex.  How do you work through this stuff.  It seems overwhelming at times.  I know people will say, well he's gone now and in a better place.  I don't know who I was in those last months and still don't.  I do know I adored him.  Maybe deep down I wanted it to be over for him and selfishly for myself because it was so horrible watching him suffer.  Has anyone else had feelings like this?  Cookie

Kayc:  Good luck on your surgery and sending lots of good thoughts your way....Cookie

Thanks Froggie4635:  I think you hit it right on the head...way too hard on myself.  I know exactly what you are saying when you say triggers that poke at the hurt.  I have been divesting myself of my husband's tools (he was a carpenter, etc. in his spare time) and boy does that poke at the hurt.  It feels like someone is pulling my skin off again.  I have cried but the crying doesn't seem to take the hurt away.  Guess you just have to tough through this stuff.  It's excruciating.  I know some who get comfort from pictures, and although I like to have them to get to see him, they are so inanimate that it also hurts too, so I get your sorrow over the pictures you had enlarged.  I wish you peace and offer support in just sending caring thoughts your way.  Thanks again, Cookie

KarenK:  So sorry for all your troubles.  You definitely have a lot going on.  My thoughts are with you.....hugs Cookie

1 minute ago, MartyT said:

It seems to me that it's normal to try to exert as much control over our emotions as we can when we're talking with someone we've only just met. Would you say that this behavior (not being able to cry during the interview) was unusual for you, or more typical of you? I'm not sure to what extent you are feeling troubled by this, Cookie.

I think it's become pretty typical of me these last months.  I feel like crying a lot but always hold it in and when I don't feel bad about myself.  I have gotten a lot of feedback that it makes people around me uncomfortable, though.  And, others always say things like, you must go on (as if crying meant I wasn't), or maybe you need antidepressants (making me feel like there is some amiss if I cry).  Anyway, I used to cry quite freely when my husband was alive, but now it seems like I'm trying to measure up to some strength standard or something....I don't really know. 

On ‎03‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 3:12 PM, KarenK said:

Marg,

I have not considered leaving, but remaining more quiet. I'm sure those of you here get tired of hearing about my many problems. My grief combined with all that I have lost and will lose is simply insurmountable and hopeless. My son had to quit his job in January for health reasons and has been unable to find another one. In addition to struggling with financial responsibilities here, I am now supporting his household. All of this on credit cards that mount each month.

I have been very sick for the past two weeks to the point where I couldn't stand up. My bad teeth need temp fillings again and the pain was excruciating. I took so many pain pills they stopped me up. My son brought over some of the leftover colonoscopy prep(nasty stuff) and it worked ,but I lived on the pot for 4 days. My grandson came and stayed with me for a few days in case I passed out trying to walk. I cannot remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours. The worrying about what to do when I lose this home is on my mind 24/7. Yesterday was my 70th birthday, but no cause for celebration. Did not have a soul to speak to all day except the dog, but she is a good listener. Another year without the birthday call from my daughter. I know how sick I am when I can't even make it to Joe's Bar B Cue for the free meal.

I feel totally defeated and hopeless. That is it in a nutshell, so I will shut up about it now. Just please, don't even consider leaving. We need you. I need you. We old southern gals have to stick together.

You cannot leave!

On ‎03‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 7:42 AM, kayc said:

I had a dream about someone inspecting my house and telling me I had too much stuff and everything he pointed out was my son's.  My son was there and his reaction wasn't positive.  I woke up from it too upset to go back to sleep so here I am.  I built a fire and am waiting for it to get going.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, I seldom ever get back to sleep.  It was 3:45, now it's 4:35.  

Marg, I don't remember your ever having tried to leave us before, and I'm not sure why you'd consider it now.  I've noticed that most people come here for a time, then leave.  Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm caring, maybe I'm dependent, but I never left.  I'm beyond caring what other people think of me and my decisions, I pretty much do what I want, and I'm here.  

Karen, do not ever worry about burdening us with your problems.  If we were bothered by that then we'd have to be bothered  by mine, and quite frankly, I have nowhere else to go with them so I can't quit now.  Besides, we CARE about you!  And it helps me not feel quite so alone with mine.

I'm wondering if I today should make an appt. for eye surgery (again)...I don't see any more snow coming, although it could be fooling me.  Today is the first day of Spring.  Besides, it'd be a month out so that would put me into April.  I can't see waiting until Medicare (October), so I'll just have to pay for all of it.  Even if it grows back and I have to do it all again next year.  I can't stay on the drops, I've found they can cause Glaucoma.  I'm only using one drop a day, it seems to be keeping it down a bit.

So there you have it, we all have "word salads".  

I, too, worry about Gwen.  I worry about all of us that don't have kids helping us, how are we going to grow old alone?  We NEED our spouses but they're gone.  But before I try looking too far ahead, this place reminds me...one day at a time.  

Kayc:  I'm so glad you are still here.  You have given me hope on more than one occasion; I hope you don't leave.  I also worry about what will happen to me in old age.  We must all have that concern.  It's just started happening to me; never really thought about it before. 

Gwen:  Didn't know it had a name, but I will have days, sometimes a week where I am sadder than usual and cry very easily.  It has worried me, but I'm glad to hear it happens to others just to know I'm not in what they call pathological grief(!)  For some reason, when I read about that, that scared the H.....out of me.  So afraid of getting stuck somewhere...I so want to get some more contentment out of life.  Maybe I'm trying to hard or wanting it too bad.  I am tired of grief...there, I said it......

Now I'm worried because I couldn't cry during the interview....if it's not one thing, it's another.....

Me too, Brad....safe and magical travels to you.  I hope to travel before I'm done.  Have an old school exchange student friend in England I would love to visit.  Hopefully, I'll get there while I can still walk......

I took the survey and Erin was everything all of you said.  Strange, I couldn't cry even though I could feel the tears right there in a knot.  I think I've trained myself to give people what I think they want.  Not that she made me feel that way; just conditioning I've been going through all these months.  So, now I feel pretty sad and deflated.  One thing that came from it, though, was the final realization that this is way bigger than I realized.  No fix; no getting over it any time soon.  This journey to future contentment may take longer than I thought.  She said that her grandmother lost her grandfather and never got over it; that is what interested her in doing this study.  I think it was very worthwhile and I'm glad she's doing the work; somebody needs to.  Good wishes to you all....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 8:26 AM, kayc said:

My timeline doesn't fit.  Maybe they think you're over it after five years.  Funny, five years, twelve years, it's all the same...he's still not here.  I hadn't even started to build my life at five years, it was just go to work, come home.

Agreed.....

On ‎03‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 10:19 AM, Marg M said:

I probably won't take it.  Yesterday I did not take my Kindle into my granddaughters counseling session.  (I sit out front and read), but I had my GriefShare workbook.  I tried doing some of it and I find I think I must be totally trying to hide or a coward.  I open up here as much as I want to open up.  We all have opinions and some of mine are not worth sharing, for you or for me.  

 

 

I know what you mean Marg.  I am a little nervous because it seems like I put so much effort into avoiding the pain, but that is actually the reason I'm going to do this.  I can feel it in my gut all the time and it hurts all the time; thought maybe I need a release.....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎18‎/‎2017 at 5:51 PM, Gwenivere said:

I don't think I could do this as it would open doors and I'm not sure I would make sense thru all the sobbing I envision.

I'm a little worried about that too, but feel like maybe I need some more release.  I have such a hard time dealing with just feeling all this.  I also would like to contribute in some way to an understanding of what we are all going through.  But, I don't think this is for everyone.  Good to talk to you Gwenivere.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I'm a little anxious....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 2:58 PM, scba said:

 

 

Cookie, Marian. How it went?

I've sent too an email to Erin asking info about the research. 

Will be doing it tomorrow morning, the 21st.  Will let you all know after that.....she seems very nice, though....Cookie