Cookie
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Posts posted by Cookie
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On 12/31/2018 at 5:02 PM, Gin said:
I went to the health club today and overheard a conversation that really upset me. A woman was relating to another woman how hard it was dealing with her husband, who had an eye problem. She had to drive him everywhere, do a lot for him, etc.. All I could think was how much I would give to be able to do all those things for Al again. He was not a complainer and tried to do as much as possible right to the end. I never felt it was a burden helping him. Sure wish I could be with him again.
That's the tragedy of what that person doesn't know....how much more horrible it would be if he wasn't there at all. But, when John was sick I never felt annoyed at having to help him. I got tired, of course, and distressed at his sickness, but didn't feel like it was a personal bother to help him. We always helped each other over the years. I guiltily remember thinking and praying that the universe would let me keep him here even as sick as he was....I would have him back on any terms, but I know he is better off not living that hell....
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I fall into the negative thinking trap that if John were here, somehow the pup would be better, do better, etc. I think I'm a little depressed too, which kind of blunts feelings such as joy and passion about anything. I will take good care of this sweetie and love it to the best of my ability. I think all this takes time. Not sleeping well again. Has anyone ever taken gabapentin for sleep or anxiety? I keep reading about it. I'm always looking for the thing that will magically fix that.....
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On 12/31/2018 at 6:28 PM, Marg M said:
This morning at 3:00 am I got a message from my dear lifelong friend. Her 2nd husband, of 15-16 years had just passed. She told me that he was fishing in Heaven with my Billy the Kid. I knew he had quit eating and it was only a matter of time. My heart is bleeding for her second loss. That is all I can say. Lots of family involved, both sides, all got along wonderfully. Sure she has family, and we don't want to lose our family, but she has lost another part of herself.
Marg: So sorry for your friend...losing a second love, how hard.
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Gin: Hope things are better for you now. Yes, feeling isolated is horrible. The cold and snow doesn't help. I try to go out a lot too just to get out and am lucky I'm physically able right now. I also have a pup to walk so that helps. Feeling for all of you....take care, Cookie
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Well, it's been a while since I've been on here. Start missing you all and the honest exchanges. I got a poodle pup named Rio and have been immersed in him. One thing I wasn't expecting was the grief it caused. I thought I would feel satisfied and comforted (which I am a little), but this whole experience has made me miss John so much and it's hurting really bad all over again. The first weeks were the worst, and now things are better as I'm getting used to doing this alone and he is such a loveable, sweet pup, full of tremendous energy, though. Not having John to share it with is so hard. Cookie
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On 01/20/2019 at 8:41 PM, A&K said:
Hi everyone. It’s been a while I know. Christmas was harder than I ever imagined it could be. On top of having two sick boys. I ended up going to the hospital from my therapists office because I couldn’t contract for safety with her or my Dr. My Mom brought the boys to the ER so I could see them and explain to Caleb mostly that Mommy needed to be away to be taken care of and that I promise nothing wasn’t going to happen to me and I would return. And it wasn’t their fault. Ryan of course is too young to understand. But Caleb understood. I then was admitted to the psych unit for 18 days. I still have thoughts of not wanting to live but I’ve learned coping strategies to cope. I’m in no danger as I was. Im on meds to help me. I’m glad to be home with the boys. This grief is so gripping. I want to take my boys and walk away far far away from it but I know it isn’t possible. I’m missing my love and our children we lost. So very much it hurts too much.
I pray for all of you. I think of everyone often.
Love Katie.
Katie: My heart goes out to you...this is so hard and the pain is almost unbearable at times. Love to you, Cookie
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On 01/27/2019 at 4:29 PM, Gwenivere said:
I’ve noticed a pattern. While I know it wasn’t a dream, life now often feels that way without Steve. But I stumble thru the days and nights. If I talk about him to someone, an anecdote, what we used to do, have to do something that has his name on it, I fall into acute grief all over again. Flooded with pain and memories and all the change it’s caused. I was chatting with someone yesterday and he came up and it was like a switch was flipped. I held my composure til we parted, but the rest of my day was lost in loneliness and yearning. It always is, but not swallowed totally by it. Drat. I just did it to myself by writing this.
You know, Gwen, I have a lot of the same feelings. After 3 1/2 years, I still feel acute grief, sadness, loneliness a lot. I was reflecting on it, as I'm always trying to figure out how to get out of this. One thing that came to me was that John was the one person in my life who I knew really loved me and cared. I came from a dysfunctional family and so don't have siblings who are that for me. My children are off on their own. I think that is what keeps bringing me around to this awful feeling so much. I believe it's easier to move forward (don't mean get over the grief, but find happiness still), when there is some one person that you know in your heart really cares about you. I think that is my problem and don't have a clue what to do about it. Anyway, a penny for your thoughts on this. Take care, Cookie
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12 hours ago, kayc said:
Cookie,
Your baby is beautiful and I know all too well how hard the puppy stage is, not sure I could do "puppy" again, maybe adopt an older dog, but then you don't get to train them the way you want to...My Arlie is the best boy in the world, he's perfect for me, but when he was a puppy, oh my! And I didn't even get him until he was almost a year old! The first year I had him he literally chewed everything, all of my furniture, the trim on my house, my mattress, not to mention his doghouse, toys, harness, bed, etc. Countless shoes. My favorite dress. George's dream catcher that was near the ceiling, still don't know how he reached it. 100 handmade cards I was selling. A book called Boundaries, the irony did not escape me. Alas these are all just things, he has provided me with companionship nearly ten years now, and I don't know how I'd get by without him. We've walked together twice a day every day, even when my right arm was broken. I love that boy, and you'll grow to feel that way about Rio too. All of the animals I had when George was alive are now gone...he never met the ones I have now. These changes are all so hard.
Boy, you really went through it! My house looks like a Zen den...nothing in it now. I have moved everything because it's all at risk.....I'm sure he'll find something, though.....
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22 hours ago, KarenK said:
Cookie,
He's a cutie, for sure! Just waiting on the sidelines with mischief in mind, I'll bet. Puppies are like toddlers. Can't turn your back for a second. My daughter had cocker spaniel brothers she named Rio and Lobo(after a John Wayne movie), Ron's favorite, of course.
I'm not sure the missing ever ends.............
KarenK: Yes, lots of mischief on his mind and being acted out! Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking, but I know he will grow up, probably faster than I would like...those mouths are unbelievable!
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18 hours ago, widow'15 said:
Cookie: What a beautiful baby boy and I love the name, Rio. You are a brave lady to take on a puppy. Have not been around poodles much, but understand they are a very bright breed. Your wanting to have shaken some of the sorrow and loss of John after a long time is understood. I really don't believe we ever shake the sorrow of loss, no matter what else comes into our lives. But, Rio may temporarily fill up some of that time when your heart is missing John.
You and Rio have a Blessed New Year. Dee
Dee: They are very bright, but many dogs are; I think what I notice is that they are very interpersonal. You can see it in their eyes. That's what I'm hooked on. They seem so interested in their owners, everything you say and do.....had a little trouble at first comparing him to Olive and Ranger, but realized what I was doing and was able to see I was just missing the other two. Rio is his own guy and quite a personality. Good wishes to you.....Cookie
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So nice and comforting to hear from all of you....I am happy to have him; he is so lovable; I think it does hurt that I'm not sharing this new boy with John like we always shared our dogs. We also walk twice a day...he's quite a walker, thank goodness. If you can believe it, I still can't imagine a future without John, though. I sometimes think I really did go crazy with grief...still just going day to day; no plans to make or look forward to. I think the pup is a good thing, though.....
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Hi all....haven't been on in a long, long time. Partly because I can't seem to shake the sorrow of loss no matter what I do and wanted to be able to come on and have some progress to report...But, still missing John horribly. Did get a new poodle puppy. Had forgotten what a puppy was like and am wondering if I was in my right mind. His name is Rio. A slight nod to John who loved all things Mexican and I always wanted to name a pet river. Wasn't prepared for the fact that getting a puppy would trigger me terribly. Made me start missing John and remembering all the dogs we shared as partners. I guess it's like everything in grief....everything seems to trigger the sorrow of loss. He does keep me busy. He's very loveable and cute, but a holy terror. Wonder if I will survive this. It's New Year's eve and very bittersweet without John. Good wishes to all of you....
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On 10/7/2018 at 6:11 PM, Gwenivere said:
I’ve had so much pain from sleeping in our bed I decided to try the spare bed I used when Steve had bad nights. I slept better than I had in a long time but woke to a panic attack being in that room instantaneously. I was flooded with all that had been happening back then. I hadn’t slept in there for over 4 years. I got up and saw into our empty bedroom and about crumpled to the floor in despair. I also couldn’t sleep with my eldest dog and she wandered around looking for me. I’m an emotional mess today with the nicotine withdrawal thrown in. It didn’t help the walking plain much if at all. I’m quickly getting close to calling a crisis line as I am just frigging losing it. I feel I have no need for this life anymore. I’m tired of being told I’m strong. I’m tired of the panic disorder ruling my life again. I’m tired of being tired and alone. Never laughing. Never enjoying anything. I tried to change things by getting a take and bake pizza last night. Missed stealing the sausage from his. I can have it all now. TV jabbering in the background as always. Errands this afternoon I don’t care about but needed. Home to to oxygen leash. Shower when I don’t care. Has to vent this crap. I know I safely can here.
Yes you can Gwen, my heart goes out to you. I do get it. I'm still sleeping in the bed John died in and keep wondering why I don't get a new one....(?). Money and ennui. I still wake up early all mornings and have panic and sorrow. Have to get out and about quickly before I go down the rabbit hole. Another reason to get a new dog. This deep sorrow is tough. I went to see "A Star is born" with two women friends and ended up having to leave the show and had an emotional breakdown in the theater--sobbing and everything. It just ripped open the heart wound that I (and I know everyone here) try to keep closed. No preparation...one minute I was in control, the next I wasn't. The ladies I was with were sympathetic but horrified. They don't understand what this is. I wish I could come over for a visit. I feel for you and wish you had some widow friends who understand to spend time with....of course, I don't either, but am always looking for that. You can only tolerate so much pain before it bludgeons you off and on. Thinking about you....Cookie
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Great news....I also have times that are good and I enjoy things after 3 years.......good for you Darrell....Cookie
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On 10/11/2018 at 8:53 AM, kayc said:
Arlie and Kitty were both rescues, she's 23 now, Arlie is nearly 11. He's lost 30 lbs since this picture but with all that fur, who can tell!
Awww.....sweet.
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More pet pictures.....I love seeing people with their pets. It's one of the most uplifting things I can think of. We've got some really good ones on here so far.....Cookie
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On 10/11/2018 at 2:33 AM, Gwenivere said:
How exciting! Congratulations Cookie! Going to be a long months wait, but for a good reason. I did the same thing, had the breeder choose a pup for me with a laid back temperament. She was at first, but then she became a 'big' dog. Had been a long time since I dealt with that. It’s worth it tho. Mine is almost 4 and active as all get out. You ready for potty training again? 🐩❤️
Excited and feel ready, and, yet, at the same time nervous and feel anxious. It's been a long time since I've had a puppy, so therein lies the reason for feeling anxious. Surely I can do this! The problem is that everything I do now without John leaves me feeling a tad anxious....but, I will get through it. I do think it's the right thing; will just be a little bittersweet without him here to share it. Puppy stages won't last forever.....!
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6 hours ago, shebert56 said:
Hi all, I made it through those couple of tough days. Actually I celebrated Stephen and all the wonderful memories on Oct 10 instead of being sad. I know I will eventually let those days of each month go by. Was just odd this month.
I just love the sharing of pet stories and photos! If you don't mind, I'll share this one. It was one of the last photos taken. Louie (8 year old Westie) was daddy's boy. He is now very much momma's boy. Stephen grew up with two Westies. Louie is my first dog ever.
~Shirley
Love the pic!
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On 10/10/2018 at 7:16 PM, olemisfit said:
Do ya'll mind if i butt in and show mine off? She is a"rescue" case we gave a home to in Dec. 2011, so I am only able to guess at her age. She's 10 or so now. The perfect size for apartment living. The best guess I can come up with is that Cookie had about 15-16 dogs during our marriage, and all but the first 2 were/are rescue cases.
Darrel
Oh, so very sweet and cute? Thanks for sharing...Cookie
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On 10/07/2018 at 3:39 PM, TomPB said:
I'm sure nobody will be shocked to hear that my little detour into romance is over. It went from hot to warm to zero very quickly and I still don't know why. One guess is, as Marg says, she may have had second thoughts re being with someone who had lost a soulmate. Maybe a friend said "OMG stay the F away from that situation, it's a minefield". Who knows? Anyway I was apprehensive from day one about what this outcome would do to my emotional state. Good news is I haven't been slammed down as far as the worst case. It's "just" given me an extra deep sadness and longing for Susan and appreciation for how wonderful my life was in ways I took for granted, gone now. My grief counselor pointed out that having the new relationship quickly yanked away is like a repeat of Susan's sudden death, tho obviously not on the same scale. Therapists and friends tell me to not be alone and I've been socializing but no amount of going out with friends can make up a trillionth of being with Susan. I'm just tired of living without her. That said, I did have a few days of actually being happy.
On 10/07/2018 at 3:39 PM, TomPB said:I'm sure nobody will be shocked to hear that my little detour into romance is over. It went from hot to warm to zero very quickly and I still don't know why. One guess is, as Marg says, she may have had second thoughts re being with someone who had lost a soulmate. Maybe a friend said "OMG stay the F away from that situation, it's a minefield". Who knows? Anyway I was apprehensive from day one about what this outcome would do to my emotional state. Good news is I haven't been slammed down as far as the worst case. It's "just" given me an extra deep sadness and longing for Susan and appreciation for how wonderful my life was in ways I took for granted, gone now. My grief counselor pointed out that having the new relationship quickly yanked away is like a repeat of Susan's sudden death, tho obviously not on the same scale. Therapists and friends tell me to not be alone and I've been socializing but no amount of going out with friends can make up a trillionth of being with Susan. I'm just tired of living without her. That said, I did have a few days of actually being happy.
Tom: Sorry for what you've been through. I do think every loss at all after having lost the love of your life is very traumatic. Even though I do have nice days, good times now too, I still feel thrown up against a wall every time I lose something, anything it seems. A potential relationship/friendship is a pretty big one. I had a hiking buddy who wanted to be romantic, but I did not but he said we would always be good friends. Well, he met someone to be romantic with and told me he couldn't be my friend anymore......that was pretty hurtful...we had only ever been friends but his girlfriend couldn't tolerate him seeing me, talking to me, running into me.....it felt like getting thrown away. Just want you to know I think we all understand the pain of any loss after the biggest kind. Take care....Cookie
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On 09/23/2018 at 9:46 AM, kayc said:
Cookie,
Well let us know when you find your poodle. They are great dogs. I wish I could have another Husky, but alas I am too old for their energy level and strength. Mine is huge! But I love him to pieces and think he'll always be my favorite dog, of all time! I just love his personality. He's so self-assured and happy, such a goof-ball, so smart and funny!
Boy, I sure didn't have any idea in the beginning that there was no expiration date on this!
Just now, Cookie said:Hey guys: Have found a poodle pup I can get mid-November. I have been selling things, cleaning houses, am worn out, but it's worth it. He or she will be a blue standard, probably a he. The owner is going to watch their personalities...I asked for a laid back one. I am craving a poodle so bad. Let's hope I don't get a raving maniac dog! I will have a companion for my long walks.....will keep you updated.....Cookie
On 09/23/2018 at 9:46 AM, kayc said:Cookie,
Well let us know when you find your poodle. They are great dogs. I wish I could have another Husky, but alas I am too old for their energy level and strength. Mine is huge! But I love him to pieces and think he'll always be my favorite dog, of all time! I just love his personality. He's so self-assured and happy, such a goof-ball, so smart and funny!
Boy, I sure didn't have any idea in the beginning that there was no expiration date on this!
Kayc: So sorry your animals are aging and at the same time.....my heart goes out to you. It is so hard, but they are worth it all, I think. Send a picture of you sweetie. I could look at people's dog pictures all day...cats too....Cookie
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Hey guys: Have found a poodle pup I can get mid-November. I have been selling things, cleaning houses, am worn out, but it's worth it. He or she will be a blue standard, probably a he. The owner is going to watch their personalities...I asked for a laid back one. I am craving a poodle so bad. Let's hope I don't get a raving maniac dog! I will have a companion for my long walks.....will keep you updated.....Cookie
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On 09/24/2018 at 11:52 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:
Sending you some poodle love from my little Andy and his pal Charlie the blonde cockapoo 🐩
Oh, thanks for sharing...they are adorable, just adorable!! Can't wait to have another one....Cookie
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Tom: I agree with all the good advice above--be careful with your heart and be honest about what you want. Can't do more than that. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants which is resulting in the hot and cold behavior. That can be hurtful to someone who is vulnerable. Do you think she knows that about you? Take care and I wish you all good things, Cookie
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Grief removes all guard rails
in Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other
Posted
I am thinking of you Gin...you are in my heart. I would come by to visit if I could. Take care. I know how lonely and hard this is....Cookie