Cookie

I'm jealous...you can build a computer!

4 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

Cookie, how wonderful that ring is and how romantic.  Dale was that way too about saying the things he did around the house showed he loved me.  When he did buy me a present he always did a good job and in his later years, he got more sentimental too and make more romantic gestures.  I guess getting older does that to them.

Yeah, plus I think the many years you spend with someone start kicking in, all the special little things that you do for each other and share, the exquisite closeness that develops from living so closely with someone....the richness of relationship--love...the thing we were all so lucky to have cultivated and now are suffering so much without....

On ‎01‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 8:20 AM, kayc said:

@CookieI haven't had that procedure but after I fell May 31, 2017, I injured my knees and toes the worst, although I sustained other injuries as well, and my sister gave me the best advice (she's been through a lot of physical suffering): Keep walking, whatever you do.  And so I did.  Sometimes it was short slow walks.  It took me months of icing, compressing, elevating and although I still have pain, I don't notice it as much because I've grown more accustomed to it, but the main thing is I've retained functionality.  My pain was so great it would wake me up at 1 am and I couldn't get back to sleep.  I wasn't able to do yard work.  Kneeling was out.  But at least I can take my beloved walks!

Marty's answer said it all.  I'm sorry you're hurting.

Kayc:  Thanks for the support.  I am trying to keep walking....two 10-minute walks a day right now and hoping to be able to up that before too long.  The worst part of this is my brain.  It's set on the "move" mode for mental health.  John died at 4:30 in the morning and by 9:00 a.m. I had hit the mountain behind my house and hiked for 3 hours, bushwacking through rhododendron, poison ivy, etc., fell several times but I couldn't stop.  I remember feeling like a zombie.  I think it was the only way I could cope initially.  It's really what has gotten me through this far, so I am struggling mightily with having to pull back.  I do a lot of one-legged pushups, arms swings, yoga upper body stretches.....

4 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Talking about Valentine's Day, my birthday is 2 days after Valentine's Day and for about the first 10 years of our marriage, I knew that if I got anything for Valentine's Day from Dale, I wasn't going to get anything for my birthday or if I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day I would get something for my birthday!  I never complained about it, but all of a sudden he started doing both, I guess after 10 years he decided we were going to stay married?  Or maybe just because he was older, he was getting more romantic, who knows, I loved him either way.

 

That is a cute story about your husband.  Mine was similar in a way....not very sentimental, but he would fix things around the house and say that was how he showed me he loved me.  I never had a wedding ring and about 2 years before he died he had a beautiful white gold ring custom made for me and asked me to marry him....it just knocked me over because he just wasn't sentimental that way....but, I still wear that ring and am so grateful for it....Cookie

4 hours ago, TomPB said:

Last Valentine's day Susan gave me a beautiful heart that she knitted. Can you imagine taking the time to express her love like that? I often bring it with me when I travel. 

We had no hint that she had a month and a half to live.

Oh my gosh, how beautiful that is!  It was truly a loving gesture on her part.  My thoughts are with you.....Cookie

On ‎01‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 10:51 AM, Gin said:

Today is my beloved's birthday.  I always made a big deal over Al's birthday.  We would always have an Unbirthday party for everyone else on that day.  (His idea)  We would go shopping at the Dollar store and get silly gifts for all...kids and grow ups.  Wrap them in newspaper  and write little poems on each.  All got 2 gifts.  The kids especially loved it.  On his 75th we had a big party and had to do this for about 20+ people.  Always lots of fun.  My hobby was photography, so I have at least 20 albums from our 16 years together.  I have a hard time looking at pics.  They are great memories, but it still hurts so very much to know they are over.  I will try again to look at them.  Not been too successfull in the past.  He has been gone since Oct. 2015 and I miss him so much.

 

Gin:  Feeling for you.  I'm there with you about looking at pictures.  Some people say it brings them comfort, and I guess in a way it does a little, but then it always hurts, the wanting them back feeling hits hard when you see them frozen in a picture.  I know you must miss him so terribly...take care, Cookie

17 hours ago, mbbh said:

Y'all. I don't think I can make it thru this. 

Mary Beth:  I have said those exact same words many times....I do get it....it's 2 and 1/2 years since I lost John, my love.  I'm still here and I still have moments when I say those exact words and feel that way....my heart goes out to you.  You are not alone....it does hurt so much; I'm so sorry.....

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

Cookie, I think we probably both suffered our loss in 2015..  I see those numbers anywhere and to me it is the symbol of the devil as much as 666.  Grief hits us all so different, but the blow that we absorb is the same.  I think we all suffer the same, but the way we go about things is different......sometimes.  I hope those with recent losses can read each of our notes at the different times and realize that we have made it going into the 3rd year from 2015.  And the hurt, and the pain, and sometimes the question of "why" is said to an empty room.  We don't any of us have answers, we all suffer from the grief, it is almost like being zombies.  We are all dead inside, but we have to make some semblance of showing we can "put one foot in front of the other" although sometimes I just need something to catch me, to lean against before I hit the floor.  

I was getting the kosher salt off the bottom shelf in Walmart.  It was stuck in the back of the shelf.  I had to get on my knees to reach it.  Then it hit me.  "You have to stand back up."  I couldn't.  I grabbed the shopping cart and it would just drag me.  When did this happen???  I was in a panic.  No one was in the aisle thank goodness, because I had to crawl up to the handle of the shopping cart.  Now that was terror.  All my friends have had knee replacements.  Mine do not hurt, but obviously they have a hard time lifting my behind off the floor.  I do know things have to change.  

Marg:  Yes, 2015....I have an avoidance of that year and worse still the day, June 13.  My birthday is December 13th; can you believe that...just the number sets me back.  I've thought about changing my birthday.  I would rather have a birthday in the spring or summer anyway.  I've made it these 2 plus years but at times don't feel like I can go on, but I do.  That had to be terrible, not being able to get up; real terror is right.  The way I can relate to that is after this surgery I've had, I got out to do my 10-minute walk (unbelievable--was walking 2 hours) and when it was time to head back to the car, felt like I might not make it.  I've always been very athletic and never had any problems doing what I wanted physically.  What a wake-up call.   I start worrying about what will happen if I don't get my strength back, etc.  I actually had this arthroscopic surgery hoping it would save me from a total knee replacement down the road.  Hopefully, it will. 

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

Cookie, agree. Susan and I didn't get to say goodbye but I have no doubt that she would have told me to try to enjoy the rest of my life. I think she would have said that all the love she gave me should sustain me, and she would be very annoyed with me if it did not. However, it's a lot easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk. I tell her she's not here, she left me, and she doesn't know how much it hurts.

I really feel for you too......thanks for your kind words.

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Yes, Cookie, for what it's worth, I have had arthroscopic surgery on my knee, and I can tell you that it took at least eight weeks of supervised (and what I considered to be quite intense) physical therapy three days a week plus at-home prescribed exercises before my knee felt any better. I've had a number of surgeries on my bones and joints over the years, and I've found that forcing myself to exercise and to keep walking as much as possible (first with crutches, then on a walker, then with a cane) was the best thing I could do to promote healing and get better. I know it's hard, and I know it hurts ~ and you're most certainly NOT a baby. Certainly "it could be worse" ~ but what difference does that make? This is YOUR body, your knee and your pain, and you've every right to feel whatever you are feeling.  ♥

Oh, Marty...thanks so much for your words of comfort and support.  It helps. 

Marg:  I love your word salads.  Wish I had the gift.  When I read some of the posts here of such sorrow and depression, I always can relate somewhat because I've been there off and on myself through this whole thing and continue to be.  I know that what a person writes at the moment may not be where they are down the road.  That's what helps me I guess, knowing that all things change and who knows what is around the corner.  But, I feel such compassion for the pain here, as I have it myself and at least you can express it here, where you can't usually to most people wherever you are.  If you can, that's wonderful.  I just happen to be surrounded by a lot of people who don't get it, many couples, bless them.....Cookie

My husband, John, also said he wanted me to be happy and live life shortly before he died.  I also think "yeah, right" and feel angry at him for not realizing how hard that would be.  But, of course, I'm glad he didn't have to experience this.  Distractions do work to do just that--distract.  I am always left with the reality when the distraction is over and it feels like I am on a treadmill.  Exercise has helped me the most, but, unfortunately, I had knee arthroscopy a month ago, and it looks like it will be a while before I'm back up to speed, and sometimes right now I wonder if I will get there.  Has anyone else here had knee arthroscopy?  I thought it would be a quicker recovery.  Maybe I'm just impatient.  I am impatient with all of this that's for sure.  I tell myself there could be worse things.  People have much worse physical difficulties, but at the end of the day I can't take a long walk right now and it's killing me.  I am a baby I guess.  Hanging in there....Cookie

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I woke up this morn8ng and realized that is the true nightmare.  When things become so acutely real.  Dreams may not make sense, but I’m not in physical or emotional pain.  It’s like that Bizzaro World comic they had about Superman where everything is backwards.  I tried to envision all the medical procedures I need when I feel no reason to be here.  All invasive and no one to be with me, literally no one. Then I thought about living with all the maladies and how limiting my world is becoming.  I don’t know who designed this trap, but they.are a pro.  Ingenious.  Of course the biggest trap is my heart and mind.  I get thru my day just wanting to get home where I can be sad or frustrated.  That creates more because it used to be my best time of day with the love of my life.  Now it just filling hours and lord, this3 hours are long.  I can’t avoid passing places we went without the memories kicking in I had.  So I wonder, what is wrong with me that time is actually working against me?  I don’t cry as much, but I’ve never felt more empty in the reality I’ll never see him again in this life or ever.  I read about celebrity accidental overdoses and it’s so sad as they had reason to get up everyday.  Passions and family.  I have all I need fo4 a physical existence but a reason for it.  Would I still be in so much physical pain?  Probably.  At least I would have help and motive to act on it.  So now I drag mysel& off to volunteering again feeling older than the residents.  They may see I can still hobble around, but I see more content people there because they have reason to survive.  Some are looking forward to surgeries so they can do more....with their families.  It takes so little.  Someone that truly loves you and you can love back.  Take that away and you (I) write posts like this.

i don’t even know how often I sit here and stare into nothing.  I have so much to say but no one to hear it.  I can say it to myself, but I already know it.  A voice to say something back or tell me something they thought is such a simple thing to want.  But simple isn’t an option anymore, is it?  We all live in a physical world we never thought about because it made sense.  I’ve heard it called bearing the unbearable.  We are told it gets better, but as Tom said somewhere, I’ve been in this waiting room for years an$ wonder if I will ever be called.

Gwen:  You are not alone.  I feel very similar things...time doesn't seem to lessen the pain as I was told.  Now, I will say that it's changed.  I also don't cry as much, but I can't seem to get really excited about anything and spend a lot of time looking at things I should do and then walking away without enthusiasm.  I agree, life is about having someone to love and be loved by.  I don't know about you, but I'm on the older end of it at 68.  I was very active until I had knee arthroscopy a month ago and now am very restricted and going crazy.  That was the one thing I could count on to bring some balance to me when I was really down.  Having some difficulties with this healing thing and hoping it does heal.  I get really scared about things that John used to be able to reel me back from.  I am missing him more than ever at this time.  So the question is how do you find others to be in your life when there is little to no family?  That is not as easy as it sounds either.  There are friends but they are wrapped up in their husbands and families.  Wow, just letting you know that I struggle with a lot of the same feelings as you....fondly, Cookie

Thanks for all of your feedback.  There is important perspective in each of your posts.  These are hard things to talk about but it's nice to have others to talk about them with.  Appreciate you guys...Cookie

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Like everyone else I'm lonely but I can't even fathom another relationship. I have to find my way to some sense of peace and happiness on my own. My grief is forever and so are my memories. It sounds bleak in a way, but it's what my mind says and I'm working it out the best I can 24 hours at a time.

Tammy was my once in a lifetime love. 

I understand that too, Mitch.  I don't even know how it would be for me to be with someone else....I think I'm so lonely for John I feel like I can't stand it sometimes, so I start asking myself what else can I do.  He definitely was my lifetime love also, and I feel a little angry that he's gone.  I guess that's why in reality I'm just looking for a friend......

17 hours ago, Brad said:

I am not dating but I do enjoy going to musicals, ballets, symphonies, dinner, hikes, with ladies I know who are also grieving.  To those outside looking in it looks like dates except for both of us it is simple companionship.  I can only put up with myself for so long.  When I travel on tours, I'll purchase two tickets to every concert I attend and always have found a taker for the second ticket.  For me it is so nice to have an evening or a day of conversation and human contact.  I have a friend who enjoys joining me.  She is still married.  Her husband has advanced Lewy Body's disease.  It is not romance, it is simple friendship and we are able to commiserate and share with each other.  I haven't found that in those who don't understand.  They are the ones who want to fix that which is unfixable.

Brad:  Most of the men I know are part of a couple (heck, most of the men and woman I know are) and the ones who aren't, well I can't imagine inviting to do something.  I did invite my friend's brother to hike and he interpreted it as romantic interest.  Seems like it's easier for men to branch out....am I right or wrong.  I think what you are doing is a great idea. You seem to have hit on something.  I'll find my way....or keep trying. 

19 hours ago, KarenK said:

Loneliness has no age restrictions. I would enjoy having some companionship. I have perused some of the dating sites, but it goes against my nature and my pocketbook to pay for obtaining a date. Why not just hire a gigolo? lol  Seriously ,the men I found in my age bracket were looking for women 25 years younger and not for companionship. It was kind of creepy and frightening to me. In reality, I think I was looking for Ron and of course, he wasn't there.

Karen:  Would just like to find a regular man out there, preferably who knows what this grief thing is all about and is looking for the same thing, someone to spend time with, laugh, have good conversation, etc., that's all....seems so simple, but apparently isn't....

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve never considered looking at dating sites, but I sure can relate to the absence of human contact.  It’s definitely hard after decades to try and adapt.  I’m going into my 4th year.  I’m so messed up by it I thought it was the 3rd.  I don’t think you are invalidating John, just feeling human.  Only you can decide what feels right.  Perhaps giving it a shot or just looking was enough.  There certainly are no rules.  But yes, I struggle with it.  I had an opportunity but when  thinking of all that dating and work to get to know one another it felt too overwhelming.  I had an opportunity but I really didn’t feel that way towards the guy.  If anything I want some companionship, male or female that understands how this changes your whole life which a widow/ers site would be a bonus.    

I’m also leery of websites.  Being scammed and such.  It happens a lot to vulnerable people.  Just saying.    

Gwen, that is part of my uneasiness...the not knowing who you're dealing with.  I also met a man through a friend of mine, her brother.  He wanted to date but I didn't have the interest in that respect towards him.  He ended up finding a woman who really liked him and they are dating.  This is so hard.  Don't know if I'll do the site, but I hate remaining stagnant and doing nothing.  Right now, my knee is keeping me from doing what I usually do when I get like this which is hike and yoga.  It's driving me crazy...maybe that is what this is about....

19 hours ago, Gin said:

Cookie, I think I am in that lonely crisis all the time.  I do not know how to handle it.  No one could ever take the place of Al.  It would be great to have some company, but I probably will do nothing.  Let us know how that site works out.  Age is a problem for me, also.  I just want some company.

Yeah Gin, I have no idea of how to go about this.  I met John at 18 and we were together for 47 years.....not really the dating queen, and I just want a friend and companion too......I'll keep you posted, though.

On ‎11‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 10:10 AM, Marg M said:

Someone once told me that my memories will sustain me.  Memories are wonderful, but they cannot hold us.  I told my granddaughter last night that sometimes I miss her grandfather very much.  She replied, quite naturally, "well I hope you do."  The whole family seems adrift without our rudder, and I'm not a good rudder.  I'm sorry for all of our losses. 

It's true, Marg, memories can't sustain us and for me sometimes they hurt, especially the wonderful ones....I definitely feel like I'm running on empty a lot and rudder-less, but I get up every day and find ways to keep going.....hugs to you too, Cookie

On ‎11‎/‎13‎/‎2017 at 6:45 AM, kayc said:

Dave,

Your story is heart-wrenching.  But it's similar to mine.  We were married, always together except when we were working.  So why oh why did we have to be apart that weekend?!  I went to my Sisters Reunion, 4 1/2 hours away from home.  He suffered a heart attack right after I left and drove himself to the doctor, who sent him by ambulance to the hospital, another hour away.  He told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend".  (I had been working day and night at work the few weeks prior to this due to a hard drive failure at work and had to re-input all of the data for the year as the "backups" failed.)  I didn't find out until that night and had no way to get to the hospital as my sister didn't want to take me.  I got there two days later when I could finally wrench her away, but we never got time alone together.  They moved him and when they let me back in he was having another heart attack.  They threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  The next time I saw them...I knew he was dead.

Our minds are filled with regrets, what-ifs, wishing so hard for a do-over!  No options available. 

I have no regrets though about how we lived and loved in our relationship.  I loved him to the fullest, he loved me to the fullest, we treated each other as the most important person in our lives, which we were.  There's no doubt in my mind or in his that we were first to each other.  He knows, even now, that I love him with all my heart, even as I know he loves me.  Death could not change that.  We'll be together again and that keeps me going, helps me accept this time in between, knowing full well that this is a blink in time in the face of eternity.  I post a scripture a day on FB, and today mine was "He will swallow death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8" That means we won't have to say goodbye again!

In reading about your relationship with Dana, you have nothing to do over either.  You were a wonderful boyfriend to her and there's no doubt in my mind you'd have been a wonderful husband to her had you had the time to get there.  To fly over there and make repairs, to send her a laptop, to try calling/texting...trust me, BFs like that are pretty much an endangered species.  Dana was lucky to have you in her life, and I imagine you feel just as lucky to have had her in yours.

Kayc:  I loved your post.  You are always so uplifting in your responses, and although it wasn't directed at me personally, I took a lot away from it.  You are right, we have to remember the love that was there....I, too, have regrets and can stuck in them, but I also know that we had a love that was so deep and complete and we both lived it.  Cookie

Well, I am in another crisis of loneliness....one in which I crave John's touch and presence but I know that is not going to happen now.  In the beginning, I used to think I could conjure his spirit up and actually tried so hard sometimes.  Reality is setting in at 2 1/2 years.  I actually googled dating sites for widows/widowers and found a place called widowsorwidowers.com.  Anyone heard of it?  It's funny, I got in there and felt horrible just being on the site for a lot of reasons--am I giving up on John (even though I know he's gone), could I really spend time with someone else, etc.....after you've had close companionship and love for so many years, it's debilitating to go without it....also, I'm an older woman.  Does anyone else struggle with this?  I would give anything to have him back, but I try to imagine the rest of my life without closeness....it's a very bleak picture.

Mitch:  My heart goes out to you.  Triggers are so powerful.  I have them all the time still and you don't usually see them coming.  You also had a double whammy with it being your anniversary.  It hurts....hugs, Cookie

22 hours ago, TONY said:

Well I made it through the holidays but it was not easy . Today is exactly 5 months to the day that I lost my Jordan.I still can’t believe he is gone and my memories of him are so clear and it’s still hurting he was my best friend and so perfect for me I will never have that again. No matter what I did or said He would always say I was his angel and beautiful no matter how I looked or felt . He would show up with roses just because he thought I needed roses . We had so much in common and no matter what we were both talking about the other understood. I hope and pray there is another life after death .I miss him and hope when my time comes I will see his kind smile and handsome face there to greet me. I know time will heal me but right now I just don’t feel it 🙁

Tony:  Five months is so fresh....hugs to you.  It's been 2 1/2 years for me, but I also miss my husband, John, still so much.  I also hope I will see him in another life; counting on it....Cookie

Olemisfit:  It is true that it's such a comfort to know you are not alone, that what you feel has been felt by others.  My husband and I were together 47 years and 2 1/2 seems like nothing in the context of that.  There are people around me who suggest that 2 1/2 years is a long time, but I know that they don't get it.  When I come to this site, I see myself in so many of the posts and I just hit like because it's been said already so well by another.  Bless all of you people.....Cookie