Cookie

18 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

Thanks MartyT.....

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Too frigging real, Marg.  I hate they are so much a part of my vocabulary now.  Even on forms...widow.  Never had that losing my parents.  That was 'natural'.  This is too, but so so different.  

Gwen:  I have reacted strongly the that word "widow," but a strange thing happened to me at tax time.  I put widow for status and they returned it to me as "single."  When I saw that word, I really had a strong emotional reaction.  I said, I am not single; I didn't choose this; I didn't divorce from my husband; he was taken from me in the cruelest way; although, I don't like being a "widow," it rings more realistic than "single."  They said I only get two years as widow status, then have to be single; has to do with taxes and they can get more money from me as single.  Sometimes I have a hard time with this world we live in.....Cookie

Janka:  Love the little dancing heart.....I think you are also a very kind, loving person, as are all the people on this site....may all this love we put out there surround and support us....love to you, Cookie

On ‎01‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 11:03 PM, Guest Janka said:

My suffering just reached the bottom tonight.I´m just fighting to do not lose a common sense and praying to get through these hardest paths I´ve been walking on lately.However everything will be good,because God loves me and he will give me what I deserve.

Janka

And you deserve everything that is wonderful.....Cookie

On ‎02‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 11:05 AM, MartyT said:

 

Beautiful.....

Darrel:  My song is "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran:

Lyrics

On ‎02‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 2:17 PM, olemisfit said:

You are so right. You hit the nail on the head! Knowing that one of these days my bride & I will be together again (for eternity this time!) is what keeps me somewhat sane now. It gives me something to hold onto and look forward to. If I didn't have that to hold onto "they" would've had to put me in the proverbial rubber room the day after my wife passed. I'm into my 3rd year without her now, and I still find myself not being able to use the word "die" or "dead".  Maybe it's just one last piece of denial. I don't know. But I still have trouble using those words.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Darrel:  Those words "die or dead" are strange.  When I say them in relationship to John or someone else does, it still seems surreal and I feel so distanced from it.  Can't seem to connect John to those words, and, yet, he is.....dead....I can say it but still can't believe it.....Cookie

Janka:  My heart goes out to you.....I know, no matter how much time goes by or how "nice" a time you can have (and I have had some nice times), there is still that hollow crater in my heart and soul that really hurts.  Nothing can seem to alleviate this particular pain.....hopefully some day.  I also have that sadness seeing couples together.  I don't at all begrudge them the happiness; just want it back for me.  Hugs to you....Cookie

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Cookie, I also could not tolerate meloxicam.  I learned the hard way about steroid shots too.  They rev you up like speed or would you like pain relief but crawl the walls?    It’s so frustrating  when your choices are limited.  Both are for calming inflammation and I don’t know if you can tolerate NSAIDS (like Advil).  There are about 20 of them and I found I couldn’t take those either after trying 5.  I like being a sensitive person, but medically it works against me.    

Yeah Gwen:  Turns out I don't do medicines well, but I never really took them before.  All of a sudden, I'm trying all these different things; just hoping one of them works pretty soon.....Cookie

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I've known Don for 19 years, I knew him even before she did because he worked at the mill where I was Office Mgr.  You think you know somebody.  He's emotionally arrested at the age of 18, meaning he's young and immature even though chronologically he'll be turning 37 in June.  He needs intensive counseling to figure out why and bring him along, but he won't go get it.  I see no hope for him as long as he's continuing on this path.  What he doesn't understand is that the young immature people he wants to hang out with are going to age and mature eventually and pretty soon the young people won't be so accepting of him as he reaches forties, fifties, and beyond.  He's going to become a sad and lonely person filled with a life of regrets.  

I saw my daughter yesterday, I didn't mention Don.  I didn't mention that he's now established a pattern and that she cannot trust him.  She will figure everything out in her own time and way and make her own decisions.  She was telling me about a friend of hers whose partner is emotionally abusing her, cheating on her, and I said, "Eventually you reach the point where you feel, 'Just leave me the hell alone, go find your Bimbo and leave me in peace.'"  She agreed and I couldn't help but feel she was speaking for herself not just her friend.  I know because I reached that point in my horrid first marriage.  A person can only take so much.  My husband beat on me, cheated on me, left me, so many times that when I saw his car in the driveway full of his belongings, I had to consciously stop and think whether he was moving back in or moving back out.  And I wanted out.  I wanted left alone, but he was violent and had threatened to kill me and I had every reason to believe that he would.  Back in those days the law did nothing.  I remember when a neighbor called the cops when he was beating on me yet again, he wasn't even living with me at the time, and one of the cops peered past him into the house, looked directly at me, and said, "What did YOU do to cause this?!"  I knew enough to know there'd be no help coming from them.  There was no women's shelters in those days.  I couldn't go to family and invite trouble there, my dad had heart trouble, I didn't want him having a heart attack over it.  I took and took it until I finally reached the point I'd rather be dead than live like this anymore, and then I left.  I had a lawyer, got a restraining order, it did no good, he broke it repeatedly and the law did nothing about it.  He shot himself in a ploy to try to manipulate me into coming back.  He ended up in the Psych ward and his Psychologist called me and wanted me to come see him. I told him he'd threatened to kill me and I wasn't going to let him manipulate me with his ploys any longer.  I told him he sent flowers to my office one day, sent his 18 year old girlfriend in with my family's pictures all torn up but his family's left intact in our photo album the next day, then he shot himself, what next?  I didn't care what next, I wasn't giving in to it.  His Psychologist told me "You are a cold woman."  Really?!  And he didn't deserve his degree.  I hung up.  At least Melissa doesn't have the physical abuse, but Lord knows the emotional abuse is even harder to take.  You can't have physical without the emotional.  I have hearing loss due to his abuse.  My daughter's childbearing years are passing her by while she's been trying to make it work with this man.  For everything I know about their situation, there's another 90% I don't know, I do know that.  I carried my problems silently too.  She knows I understand, she knows I'm here for her.  I told her I believe in her to make the best decisions she can and I will be here for her in any way she needs.  I told her to get her wheel alignment checked and that I have an account at Les Schwab Tires she can put it on if she needs it.  I can't imagine her car taking the hit it did without needing wheel alignment.  She has car insurance but doesn't have the $500 deductible, I told her I'd pay it.  My son said it's hardly worth it for cosmetic (he feels she'll have another accident because of her stress level), I'll leave that up to her.  If her insurance doesn't have to pay out they shouldn't raise her rates so I suppose that's a consideration to her.

Darn, why does life have to be like this for some people?  I went through my hard years, it's all had it's part in shaping and molding me.  I wouldn't make some of the decisions I've made again and yet God's used it all in making me who I am, I know that.  You never want that for your kids though, but here we are.  I guess this is where it belongs, in the Going through Hell section.

Oh Kayc:  What a story.  You have been through hell and it's got to be so hard watching your daughter going through it.  My heart goes out to you.....you are such a caring, wonderful and supportive person.....Cookie

On ‎02‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 9:16 AM, kayc said:

Gwen,

You've really been on my mind and in my heart lately, maybe because I can relate to your situation...I'm one misfortune from being there, I feel too isolated, no one here to help me and you also live in the Northwest so know the weather patterns here, etc.  I know how scary it is to face surgery alone and to have to come home and be there for your animals because there's no one else to take care of them...and to not know if you can do it.  My surgery was simple and my recovery fast, yours not so easy.  I'm wondering if Senior Services could help, if there's someone who could come to your house while you're recovering and help with things you need done.  I live way out in the boondocks, no one ever wants to come here, but if you're in a city, there should be some services available.  Gosh I wish we lived closer so I could do it myself!  Haha, I can't even get out of my driveway, what am I talking about!  I've got so much snow...

Last night my little sister told me "Well you knew what you were getting into when you moved there."  Really???  I was getting married, I was 24 years old, and it was JULY!  How did I know how much snow would come during the winter or that I'd be the only one dealing with it!  How did I know my husband would leave me and the kids 23 years later and get a new wife!  How did I know I'd find my soul mate, the love of my life and he'd up and die so young, that I'd grow old alone!  No, there's no way I ever foresaw this day.  Nor did I know my kids would be gone and wouldn't be here to check on me when I was older and needed help.  So easy for people to make such pat remarks when their lives are wonderful, they still have their husbands, money is no issue for them, their lives are about decorating, traveling, and parties.   I wonder if she realizes how her life could change so drastically in the blink of an eye...just as mine did, just as yours did.

Oh Kayc:  I have to respond to this.....I too have a sister who did something very much like yours.  I was feeling down because I have a gravel drive and it's expensive to put road bond on.  We were getting a lot of rain and I was having anxiety over it washing away because I had just spent $800+ on the road bond.  In a low moment, I shared with her how I was feeling and she said, "I told you so; I tried to tell you and John not to build up that high."  Like you, that was 20-some years ago, we were excited and John had no qualms about building up here and taking care of the road.  It never crossed our minds how this would turn out and I would be taking care of this property by myself on a limited income!  There is no way you can know these things and it's just cruel for someone to make the "I told you so remark."  When I reacted negatively to what she said, she then said, "Oh, you've always been too sensitive" and I said, no, you are insensitive.  It makes me never want to speak to her again.  A simple sorry you're having to go through this would have sufficed.  She has no idea....many people don't and they don't realize how it hurts, like you're getting beaten up again.  So sorry you had that experience too.....Cookie

On ‎02‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 6:24 PM, Gwenivere said:

I really don’t know how to write this as it is so 180 from so much that  is talked about regarding memories.

The depression about Steve has taken a very dark turn.  It feels like it was some kind of dream he ever existed.  There are all kinds of things around with no owner.  I’ve had to move some stuff or change it because something broke or there was an empty spot where there never was before. I can’t move any more because of the pain and reminders the gaps would bring.  Pictures of this man are like a ghost to me. Memories bombard me constantly.  I hate them.  They hurt too much.  I live a solitary life now and never have since I was born.  I wander around this house doing routines founded in the past.  Sometimes I don’t know why I bother cleaning or getting things repaired. 

There was a time when telling people about us made me feel that special feeling we’ve all had because of the uniqueness.  Now I feel the weight of the past tense every time and reliving what is forever gone.   

So many of you this far down the road seem to have found some meaning to keep you sustained.  I know the pain still dwells within you too.  I was there once.  Now I want him erased from my mind.  If he’s not going to be here, I want the pain to stop, desperately.  I’m finding less and less reason to face a future alone, truly alone.  Redundant, but no family or friends to lean on in real life.  I’m sick of eating, reading, watching TV, anything with no one to share it with.  I’m tired of living in fear because I was dependent on him.  I miss being depended on.  It’s all a tangled mess.  

I don’t feel that gratitude of the years we had anymore.  It’s become so black and white.  Be here or be gone.  I so want to cherish those times but the pain has reached a level I never thought possible.  I lost an important human connection last week and will another next month.  The guy gave me back the key to the house and had brought over one os Steve’s old guitars he uses on music nights.  I hadn’t seen itin years and it flooded me with more memories.  Getting the key had me at a loss.  Or I should another one.

  I feel like such a failure.  Not solely because of him but i thought I was stronger.  I have counseling,  I have the volunteering, I try and engage with my furry kids because they are in the happy moments.  I thought that strength would get better after 3 plus years.  Now I face my own aging process and find no motivation to help myself.  I was so shocked by losing Bruce from our family here but I now can totally understand why he left.  Understand it too well.  I don’t know if this will pass and that is what scares me the most.  

I never thought I would want Steve gone, but  I do.  I don’t even question if this is normal.  I don’t know what that is and haven’t for so long.  I’m hesitant to write this here and would never say it to outsiders beyond my counselors.  

I’ve been up 3 hours, 13 more to go to repeat it again after sleep which gives me about 4 hours of escape before the reality returns that last 4 know knowing what is coming.   I so miss smiling about him and the great  fortune I had with him in my life.  There are no rule books, but I don5 know if this phase is in there.  Wishing away the best thing that everhappened to me?  Never saw this coming.  

 

Gwen:  I can so relate to what you are saying.  I, too, am desperately searching for meaning and can't seem to find it anywhere.  I do know that 3+ years is not long when you have this big crater in your life.  Just think, like John for me, Steve was the most integral part of your life.  He was taken away and the universe has changed as you or I ever knew it.  Some people are so blessed to have found things to grow up around the crater, but not all of us have had that happen yet and it's God-awful.  I feel that emptiness and also wander around a house full of memories that hurt so much I can't hardly stand it sometimes.  I want to lose the house but don't know where I'll go, haven't got a better plan yet; it just seems like I'll be launching myself into some other empty scary existence.  The only thing that keeps me here is a small hope that there is a tiny light at the end of this tunnel that I don't know about yet.  I keep looking...let's keep looking together...hugs to you, Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 8:48 PM, Gin said:

Cookie,  I do not think I will ever be at peace with this condition.   The loneliness is terrible.  Adding physical problems  to advancing age makes it difficult to get out to try to socialize.  Sorry you are hurting so much.   Gin

Feel for you too Gin.  The loneliness is terrible....wish we all could be in an in-person group and do some things together.  That would help wouldn't it?  You take care....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 7:22 AM, kayc said:

@Cookie  How are you doing with your knee since surgery?  I'd noticed you hadn't been on here much and figured you were focusing on your therapy.

Kayc:  How nice of you to ask.  Well, I've had a difficult time.  It's been 10 weeks and I still have inflammation in the knee.  They put me on meloxicam.  That bothers my intestines a little, so he said I could have a steroid shot.  Had that Friday and ended up having a bad reaction--seriously flushed face, fast heart rate, anxiety, headache and nausea.  Finally found out this morning (Monday) that some people can have a sensitivity to it, so can't have that again and just hope it works.  They really don't give you much information when things are done, even if you ask, which I did.  She said they don't say anything because most people don't have a reaction.  Anyway, I've been fighting discouragement and almost wish I had never had the knee surgery done, but the doctor said it would be so easy and I would be back to yoga in 2 weeks.  I think I was better off with the tears.  But what is done is done, I know, and I have to figure out my way through this.  Missing the activity level I was used to as it was my way of coping with grief.  Surely this will heal in time.....anyway, how kind of you to inquire...just been a little depressed.....Cookie

I seek just simply to be at peace with all of this.  So tired of the angst, sorrow, pain, worry, doom and gloom.  Of course, there have been bright spots, but just spots....not enough to sustain one.  More sorrow and pain, feeling at a loss.....Cookie

On ‎02‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 7:18 AM, iPraiseHim said:

Three Years today.   Shalom

You are in my heart and thoughts.....Cookie

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I relate totally, Marg.  I’ve spent a lot of time recently with repairs, tasks, seeing places we used to go close or change to something else alone now.  The  places that remain that I cannot go to anymore.  I get very brief periods wondering why I am so messed up I went to disappear and the answer is so simple.  My reason for being is gone forever.  This isn’t  like a friend that has moved away or a divorce.  This man is gone from existence and especially mine.  His friends miss him but in no way as I do. They spent maybe a cou0le hours a week with him, not 24/7.   Everything has become more complicated.  The news of possible back surgery has me terrified and can’t see doing alone if I wanted to.  I can’t discuss the pros and cons with him and there are a lot the surgeon didn’t bother to mention.  I just know that all the speed bumps of life are higher now.  He was the only person I trusted for big decisions.  He’s the one I miss when surroundings change as we used to adapt together.  

I just had to rejoin AARP to keep my lower insurance rates.  Because the cars are now only in my name, they took him off the membership.  It stings every time he gets erased a little more. 

Gwen, my heart goes out to you.  I know what you are saying.  I had that feeling just getting knee surgery...I needed him so much and as it's taking me some time to recover I miss him so terribly.  You will be in my thoughts.  I wish there was some way to make this better.  If you find it, will you share.....take care, Cookie

Janka:  So sorry...just now read your post.  It's so hard sometimes.  I also feel like I can't stand another minute of sorrow and pain, then magically it lifts some, but sometimes I'm not looking forward to the future because it seems like it will be filled with this up and down.....take care, Cookie

On ‎01‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 6:44 PM, TomPB said:

Janka let me add my best wishes. I understand. I regularly go from an OK period to the most intense grief attack. The change can be triggered by a reminder of Susan's sweetness or by apparently nothing. My grief counselor tells me to ride the wave. Not sure I know how but it does help to know it has passed before...hope yours does  ❤️🐼

TomPB:  I also go from okay to intense grief still.  It can be discouraging.  I related to you saying you didn't know how to ride the wave.  Not sure I understand either.  These feelings seem to come of their own accord and leave the same way.  Sometimes it makes me crazy...no control over it and tired of it also.....Cookie

On ‎02‎/‎15‎/‎2018 at 8:52 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

I've been through similar experiences. 
I've had "assistants" argue with me about what I was calling in about when all I wanted to do was leave a message for my doctor and they refused to do it.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to make an appointment and another 2 1/2 hours to make the trip in to the doctor just to tell her what they refused to take a message for over the phone.  It's beyond ridiculous, it hurts their practice and it hurts patients' care.

Stand your ground girl, we've got your back!

Thanks Kayc:  I just wonder what people like that are doing in a helping profession? 

On ‎02‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 11:34 PM, Gwenivere said:

Grief is hell, right?   Sensitized us to every little thing.  I called the on call doctor yesterday for a pn RX refill I overlooked, my own fault.   When I.takke$ to her she said the dosage was ridicuous,  refused to fill it and hung up on me.  I was in shock.  I am currently seeking a way to report this as it was so unprofessional.  It certainly is  her right to turn it down as I am not her patient, but a more compassionate  response would have been I’m not comfortable doing that and call your doc tomorrow.  And then to hang up?

i take this med to function with my panic disorder.  Otherwise I would be housebound.   I had to call my counselor and she knows medical  ethics and was just as shocked.  The doc didn’t know about the grief aspect but it shouldn’t have mattered.  In the 'old days' I would have gone ballistic. I had to do that Friday for the Geek Squad.who cancelled. My repair.appoinmment without telling me.  Went to Best Buy and raised hell.and got someone out here but I was drained.  Ifelt demeaned and treated as a drug seeker, aka addict.  Who does that to  someone seeking help?  How can a doctor be so cruel?  (Rhetorical)

Marg, this was for the Xanax.  I know my doc will be OK with it, if I can get a hold of her.  The battles we face now are so terribly hard.

 

 

 

 

Oh Gwen:  Unfortunately, too many of us have awful experiences with people who are supposed to be caretakers.  So sorry you went through that!  I have been having trouble still with my knee after arthroscopy, 8 weeks today.  Still swelling some and I'm not back to doing what I could before.  I had to call the office to make another appointment to see them and the nurse and office staff were so rude.  I had to insist I see the surgeon.  So, you can imagine when I went in I felt like a criminal or something.  They don't seem to care about what I'm going through.  The doctor was nice when I got to see him, but getting through the nurse especially was horrible.  Now, I don't want to call because of the bad association.....take care, Cookie

Gypsy:  My heart goes out to you....50 years is a very long time.  I was married 47 and have felt and feel very much the same as you.  It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my sweet John to cancer.  Things change, but I still struggle.  I think I've learned to manage some.  I still miss him as much if not more since he left, though.  Sounds like you have a lot of support and that is good.  No, it won't taking your pain away unfortunately, but it does help in the sense that  like for me I felt so vulnerable without him suddenly and it is good to have people who care about you around.  Please know you are cared about...hugs, Cookie

Janka:  Why are you leaving?  Will miss you.....

2 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Actually, I have never built a computer before but have always wanted to.  I usually just buy them already made.  I watch lost of YouTube videos and what I need to pursue my passion for flying is a faster (Gaming type of Computer)  I am saving about $400 building it myself.  There are websites available to make sure all the parts are compatible  And I will also use it for my business applications.  It takes some planning, preparation, learning, and process to complete it, but I am confident enough to pursue it.  If I get stuck, I have a friend who can help.  It is exciting and something to look forward to  . - Shalom 

I think that is wonderful.  The fact that you have the confidence to pursue it.  Let us know how it turns out.  I'm vicariously excited to see how it turns out.....

Lainey:  How strong you are really.  I cannot imagine going through the loss of a dear husband twice.  I'm still not there....I lost my husband 2 and 1/2 years ago and am still reeling from it.  My heart goes out to you....Cookie