Cookie

On ‎09‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 10:29 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, I hope you find your dog.  It helps so much to have my dog and cat, we're a family, but I fear I may be losing my cat soon, she's slowing way down, lost weight, her senses are diminishing, I know she's old (23) but we've gotten closer this year and I just don't want to lose her.  Never is a good time.  My dog is getting old too, although he hasn't slowed down, he's 10 1/2 and for his breed, that's past average life span.

I think in the beginning we thought grief would be for a time but then we begin to realize we're in it for the long haul and then we come to realize it's the rest of our life.  Certain times intensify it, like our health issues, holidays, those special days, making big decisions without them, etc.  I used to encounter people , like, "what are you still doing here?"  I think people are starting to realize that this doesn't go away, we just have to live with it, we don't get magically better at this at some particular year, it's always going to be hard to some extent.

 

 

Kayc:  Yes, that is a hard realization--that it's for the rest of our lives.  I guess I really did think it would pass in a couple of years, but in some ways it can be more painful than ever and there is always that big empty black hole feeling in the pit of my stomach that is around missing him so much.  Wow, 23 years is a lot for a cat.  We had one that lived to be 22.  I feel for you.  It is so hard losing our pets, so hard.....I am looking and anxious about getting another poodle.  It's very tied up with grief and I'm trying to work through that too.  Thanks so much for your thoughts....hugs, Cookie

On ‎09‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 4:58 PM, Gwenivere said:

I definitely have a panic disorder.  Have for over 30 years.  Have to take meds to manage it or I would never leave the house.   Losing Steve intensified it.  Its one of those invisible things that people often say.....well, I get nervous too.  Big difference between that and feeling you are going to die from a heart attack or stroke.  Diabetes and high blood pressure you can say to people and they believe that because they’ve heard of it.  I just tell people to google it and see the facts.  When Steve got sick he, while always my supporter, told me that he now understood living with something you could not control.  He said he thought he got it before, and he was marvelous defending me from people that thought I was just 'off' in some way, but then he knew about living with a condition, tho cancer no one questioned.  When I take my meds, no one would know I had this beyond being normal nervous  sometimes.

i really feel for you looking for another dog.  We did that together too.  I did get another dog after he died but I missed his input and I also didn’t look around much because I was used to 2 dogs and we lost one just before I lost him.  I was desperate.  One of my neighbors said there are other dogs, but I had to have one quickly, I was in tears.  She is great, but has some issues that annoy me and won’t ever change.  I bought her sight unseen.  Had he been here it would have been visiting litters and looking for who we made a connection with.  I tried to replace daddy’s little girl and couldn’t.  Just like I can’t replace him.  I so feel for you as I know how essential dogs were to us to make our family.  Having to start new ones alone so intensifies what we lost.  I hope you find a companion of the furry kind.  For me it doesn’t feel like life without them.  🐩

 

Gwen:  Yes, I have to have another dog, poodle, and will.  But, I am really going through a lot of grief triggers.  I don't even like myself right now; I can't believe what a big deal this is because I'm doing it without John.  I double-guess myself about everything, feeling vulnerable.  I guess I never realized how interconnected he and I were until he was gone.  But, I will do this and I do want it for myself.  I am going to see a breeder tomorrow by myself...it's an hour from here.  Have to drive over the mountain on a winding road...wish he was here.  I will try to make it a fun adventure.....I totally know what you are talking about in terms of Steve's input.  John was a very calm, steady person and really checked things out before proceeding.  I was always the emotional, spontaneous one.  I will have to watch it......take care, Cookie

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Cookie and sherbert, this is an anxiety like I have never felt also and I have an anxiety disorder.  I didn’t consider myself a loner either.  I had a couple social things, but the biggie was the foundation at home together.  Now holiday talk is starting and the depression and anxiety deepens.  This will be my 5th and I just don’t know how I am going to do it again.  Last year putting out our little tree didn’t help.  Another year of not buying a turkey.  Both our birthdays and wedding anniversary. I watch the clock too, don’t mean to, but the time just drags on day after day.  I look at this nest where the edges are getting frayed and it’s so cold inside.

Gwen:  I think "they" want to label this anxiety as anxiety disorder, but it's really something so different, so intimately connected to unfathomable loss....maybe it is anxiety disorder; I'm not a professional, so I've got it now for sure.  I remember having anxiety, but not even close to how this feels.  It's amazing that after 3 years there are still so many triggers, things most people wouldn't even think of as upsetting.  I am looking for a new poodle puppy; can't live without it, I feel; it's a long journey and I thought I had found the one, then found out he wasn't available after all.  I just broke down and started sobbing.  I sat there later and thought "I am really losing it; what is wrong with me?"  Upon reflection, I realized that just the act of looking for another poodle was a trigger in that John and I got the other two together and deep down I am devastated that he is not here to share this journey with me....so it's jerking on the grief train so to speak.  I really feel for you....I also am dreading the holidays again; can't stand BD's now...everything is still a challenge to get through.  I remember in the beginning when I believed that would change and this horrible sorrow would pass.......it's still here......

22 hours ago, shebert56 said:

Cookie, it's been one of those days for me.  When they come, they come very hard.  I hate these days when I can't focus on all the positive wonderful things I had in life with Stephen, and instead have the overwhelming alone feeling.  I'm so much like you, a happy loner, content to be home and nesting.  Now I have a void in the nest.   I do have lunch planned Thursday with a neighbor, fully knowing if I can't go there, I won't.  I have that someone kicked me in the stomach feeling right now, along with nausea.  And clock watching today for some reason. It's pretty exhausting.  But I know just as the sun sets today, it will rise again tomorrow.

~Shirley

 

Shirley:  You have explained it so well--kicked in the stomach feeling, nausea; watching the clock.  I have all of those symptoms....get very tired of it, but just have to fasten your seatbelt, I guess.  There is nothing else in life like this; no wonder you can't be prepared.  It hurts.  I am perpetually in and out of it.  I schedule all these things, none of which I am excited about doing, but make myself because what is the alternative, and sometimes, just sometimes I get surprised by having a respite; I can actually have fun for a while.  I wish that for you and everyone else here because I'm starting to understand that this state of affairs is probably very long-term and those respites are what keep you going.  Cookie

Thanks all of you for your concerns; really touched me.  Looking for new poodle puppy....will share when it happens.  Hugs to all, Cookie

On ‎09‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 2:43 PM, Marg M said:

Cookie, you have a bunch of beautiful little towns around you.  I was not in your predicament, Billy was no house builder or real lover of houses.  He liked RV's and tents.  So did I.  Never was attached to anything but a Holiday Rambler RV and I cried when we traded it in on a house trailer.  But, I traveled the internet around where you live and it is beautiful.  It was so beautiful where we lived.  It was a paradise, but I could not stay there, the quiet was too loud.  

Very glad you are safe. 

Thanks Marg:  I know what you mean by "the quiet was too loud."  Probably won't stay here....waiting for my daughter to finish grad school and get her feet under her.  She had come home from NYC where she had been living for 13 years to be with her dad before he died.  She decided to stay and start grad school, albeit, a couple years later.  Will be hard to leave, though.  I am originally from LA and it took me a while to get used to this country life but now it's home....been here for 45 years, more time than I spent in the city.  Just can't think about what will come....keep putting it off--too painful still. 

On 9/16/2018 at 2:05 PM, Marg M said:

Not sure but I think Cookie lives close to  the Nantahala (sp?) National Forest and think it is pretty far inland.  I think I read something about mudslides.  Cookie, if you are reading this, you must live in a most beautiful place.  I checked your profile and I believe it is probably one of the most beautiful parts of the  USA.  Let us hear from you if you keep electricity.  

 

Marg:  Kept everything!  It missed us almost completely.  Spent hours digging trenches on my gravel road and thankfully they weren't necessary.  Yes, this is paradise, really.....I live on a hill with a beautiful view of the mountains.....a place John (mainly) and I built.  Think I have to leave it at some point because of upkeep, but boy is that going to be a hard one!  Hope you were all spared the effects of the hurricane.....hugs, Cookie

At 3 years out, I can so relate to that "trapped" feeling.  It's a type of anxiety, not like anything other kind.  It is that realization that you are really alone like never before because that person who was a part of you is so gone.  I still feel it.  I have found out that the good old "keeping busy" prescription has kept me going.....I hate to admit it because I was always a loner type, happy loner because I also had a wonderful man in my life, but here I am putting myself out there now and not always a comfortable place for me to be, but it does keep my mind busy.  What a journey this is......Cookie

On 9/16/2018 at 6:30 PM, kayc said:

Cullowhee, NC
It says the storm will affect this area morning to night
https://www.accuweather.com/en/us/cullowhee-nc/28723/weather-forecast/2096619

Heavy rain, winds, but it's hopeful that they're out tackling the damage already, hoping it's not hit as hard as some places.

 

 

 

I live in Cullowhee.......so strange to see this on here.  This was on the college campus but most places didn't get much of anything....we were really lucky because the forecast was for much worse.  Coookie

18 hours ago, TomPB said:

Hi All, sorry to have been absent. I've been traveling through a detour on this journey. As I reported, a friend of a grief friend visited in early Aug and we had an instant connection. The day I took her to the airport in the morning I had a long-scheduled session with a psychic in the afternoon. The message from Susan said that she would send me a new soulmate. I was stunned by the coincidence and thought maybe it had actually happened.

Now time has passed. We've stayed in touch with texts and voice, with 1-2 hr calls and never a problem what to say next. However I feel the intensity fading with time and distance. She is in ABQ. Whenever I raise the possibility of a visit she says no. I don't understand in view of the magical time we had in Boston and I think this dream is about to end, leaving me even more lonely than before, somethiing I feared from the beginning.

Of couse I've been grieving Susan the whole time too. Having my mind cycle between grief and romance is a whole new level of craziness. What makes it OK is that I accept that Susan wants me to have someone else in my life. Her message really spelled that out and she continues to say it when I talk to her every night.

At least this shows me that life is possible on the other side. The 4 days we had together were the only truly happy days I've had since I lost Susan. And there's a chance it's not over, but I don't feel very good right now.

So sorry Tom.  I would also love to find a male friend, want companionship.  I think when you've had a wonderful relationship it actually makes you want that again so bad because what you had before was so good.  I do think it's possible if you get lucky....but it has to be the right person.....and, of course, I think what are the odds of that happening twice in a lifetime.  It sounds like you are open to it and who knows what will happen in time.....it just wasn't really right this time.  I hope it will happen for me, but also realize it could not, so I try to say at least I had this wonderful man in my life for so long and hope that can carry me through.....Cookie

On ‎08‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 3:56 AM, Gwenivere said:

Actually Kay, they do have companions you can hire.  I was given a list on discharge of all kinds of services.  Not a vet tho.  I’m sure they’re out there.  Hiring a companion brings me down more.  How did it get to this?  I was sitting on the back porch about midnight and realized I’m in the dark and all I hear are echoes of my former life.  Voices of so many people that have been here at some point.  The doors to Steve’s studio are covered with pictures of all the musicians that were around and I could hear faint songs they played and all the laughter.   My great neighbors on both sides are moving or already have.  

Then I came inside, strapped on my oxygen tube and wondered why?  Why do I keep going on?  Every day brings more medical crap.  Yesterday was a referral to the hospitals psychiatric services my doctor put in. Not something we discussed so I messaged her.  I have a counselor and a therapist that I am happy with.  They can’t prescribe meds so I don’t know if she is getting leaned on for my anxiety meds.  Also got notes from a sports doc I saw saying my back problems only solution is surgery.  Then there is the hypothyroidism to tackle.   So I sit here thinking of my former full life wondering what is the point?  I keep getting more and more limitations.  Need a housekeeper, yard person, someone to brush the dogs and have a hard time shopping carrying  a tank.  And all those hours.  What do I do with those?  Sit around taking up space?  My furry kids deserve more than I can give them as far as activity and sometimes attention.  Seems I bug them most to get off this tubing so I can move around.  

When I got home yesterday afternoon I literally stood in the living room not knowing what to do.  There is a lot to do, but I can’t do it.  It was defeating.  I can’t volunteer, clean the big stuff,  unloading what I bought was daunting.  Knew I faced another night alone just to face another.  Being in the hospital showed me just what true loneliness is.  I may not have really known all the staff, but I existed around them.  I heard my name spoken all the time.  Lots of conversations.  People making sure I ate, was warm enough, waved hi going by and touched me.   It was like living in a weird way.  Driving myself home and walking in here was now even more forever changed.  

All the plans for my health will be a full time job almost.  You need to have a reason to do that.  He left.  He took that reason with him.  Even when he was dying, he was my reason.  

Oh dear Gwen, my heart goes out to you.  I wish I lived close and could help.  You are such a smart, perceptive sounding person.  I realize what you are going through would make anyone have a hard time.  It is so much harder for me to cope when something physical emerges.  The oxygen thing has got to be hard.  I also can relate to the thought of "what am I doing here?"  I have had that same thought a million times; don't have an answer yet...I just know that I'm here.  I enjoy your posts.  There is always something in them I can relate to....Just know you make a difference just by being on here.  You are genuine and that is worth a lot to someone like me.  Please take care, Cookie

On ‎08‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 5:44 PM, Gin said:

Cookie, wouldn't that get together  be great?

Yes!

Shebert56:  You're right, it is a second at a time sometimes....my heart goes out to you....Cookie

It really is helpful to come on here and read the posts, even though they are quite often filled with pain.....it really comforts me to know I am not alone in this universe feeling like this.  Everyone is so real on here.  Who ever thought reading about pain would be a comfort?  Anyway, I appreciate all of you, feel for all of you; imagine a big get-together with all of us...probably a lot of laughing and crying.....Cookie

Mitch:  So sorry for you and all of us.  It's been 3 years for me also and I still feel that "gut-wrenching" pain off and on.  There are things that trigger it.  I also can't help sometimes asking the universe why....with no answer of course.  I thought surely I would die in the beginning from a heart attack or stroke....but I am also still here, not always happy about it.  I have felt moments of joy but it's always laden later with sorrow because John is so gone.  I don't want to believe he's just gone and dally with the thoughts about him maybe being out there somewhere waiting for me.  Hugs to you....Cookie

23 hours ago, TomPB said:

I have that thought too. However, sorry to go all freaky on the group, but Cindi the Psychic said that Susan and I were instantly totally comfortable with each other because we had been together in previous lives. So maybe another I already know? Cindi also said Susan would send me another soulmate ...I know, I know. I didn't talk/think like this before 3/31/17

TomPB:  I think that's really nice.  I don't think it's freaky....who knows?  I'm totally open to talking to a psychic, just haven't found one yet.  That is a really comforting message....Cookie

Darrel:  Thinking of you and, yes, it hurts so much; I call it a rare torture....take care, Cookie

Gwen:  If I find happiness, I'll write a book about it ok?  Don't feel I have that long on this earth, so it better happen soon.....I thought the other day I would gladly give my life for just 5 minutes with the actual real John again--hold him, feel him, smell him, bask in those twinkly blue eyes and quick smile.  I want to see him again so bad; it's like a rare torture.  You're right, I can never seem to find the right words to describe what I feel.  I thought when you said "nothing hurts more than my heart, which is healthy," that was a perfect description.....

Marg:  I also thought John was better looking at his age when he was sick than when he was young...what I realized later was that I was seeing his soul through his eyes and not the physical sickness of his body so much.....

2 hours ago, kayc said:

It really is a relative term, can mean different things to different people. To me, "getting easier" means I won't be in the shock I was at first, that I will learn to live with this life as it is now, not that it somehow feels happier, better, not that it in any way will resemble even a fraction of what I had with George.  It means I learn to cope.  You re three years older than me, I realize I am growing old alone, that was sure never my preference.  It seems most of us here are facing growing old alone.  My kids aren't around, I find that makes a huge difference.  Of my widowed friends, they all have a good support system with their kids living nearby or coming to see them often, I don't have that.  It does make me wonder how I'm going to do this.  I try to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow.  Every time I worry about my future, anxiety gets a stronghold, and I have to go back to today.  Today I can handle.

You talk about dealing with things you know nothing about...I know what you mean.  Some of these big decisions, do I get the house painted or a roof on the garage or get the back of the garage replaced?  I can't afford to do all three.  I have to prioritize.  I decided for the roof.  I pray for wisdom in these choices, I no longer have my husband to talk things over with.  When George was here he'd handle these things, heck, he'd be the one doing the work, most likely!  I'd be the one furnishing him and his friends with refreshments and giving him a massage afterwards.

Things have changed, big time.  

Yes, kayc:  Same with me.  John built this house and would always know what to do of course.  That was so nice, and yes, I was spoiled, I guess.  I feel that way now.  We always partnered; I would help him, but he was the knowledgeable one.  Roof is a good choice.  Will keep the moisture out of your house.  I have a metal roof and the screws started working themselves out, something I never expected.  Had to go through several repair people before I picked one who ended up being very reasonable and knowledgeable, but, boy, did that take a toll emotionally.  Everything is like that.  Oh well, you're right, it's just one day at a time still.  I have a part of my deck rotting and have to go through this all over again....getting a little hardened about it all, though I must say....is that good or bad (?).  Good luck to you on your place.  I am going to get another puppy...looking around.  Still missing Olive so much but she and Ranger were so wonderful it just makes me want another....Cookie

Katie:  It is hard....feeling so much for you....lots of hugs coming your way...you are not alone.....Cookie

I will have those moments where I realize I'm getting "old" (will be 69 in December) and scared about the loneliness of doing that alone.  Always thought we would get old together.  It's funny how you are in denial about realities when you have your person with you.  One of us would have gone before the other sooner or later; just wish it had been me.  He really would have coped so much better, I know.  I guess I'm touchy about having heard "it would get easier" in the beginning because although it has changed, it doesn't necessarily feel like an improvement at times.  I still also get so lonely I want to die, terrified, full of panic and overwhelmed with having to deal with things by myself that I know nothing about....so, it's a toss-up to me.  I thought getting easier meant actually finding happiness.  I'm still in the robotic place so I can cope stage, have some happiness at times, but mostly very lonely, missing John, feeling very strongly all the time like something big is missing (which it is) and I get tired of it.  Most days I just tell myself that I have to keep going and get through another day.  Oh well......maybe some day, huh?  Hugs to all....Cookie

Just now, Cookie said:

Gwen:  I hear your pain and feel much the same a lot.  I know exactly what you're saying about watching what you say around people.  You can't help and neither can I feeling like you got hit by a 2 x 4 every time you have to listen to someone's wonderful plans with their spouse, kids, etc. when all that has been lost to you.  I try to change the subject or just let the pain come, grit my teeth and go on.  It's kind of the human condition.  I was there once.  I was full of love and life and the possibilities were limitless.  It is such a high....I think the problem is when someone knows what you've suffered and they still can't help themselves from regaling you with their joy.  I guess that's the human condition too.  Who doesn't want to shout from the rooftops when they are in love with life....that is a good thing, I know.  I think perceptiveness is the key here.  Maybe I will have learned a lesson from my pain and if there is ever another life for me to love life in I will be that perceptive person around those suffering great loss.....Cookie

On ‎08‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 10:49 PM, Gwenivere said:

You are so right, Cookie.  Sometimes I swear if I hear that positive thinking adage one more time I will implode.  There was a time I had it happen now and then, but physical pain has robbed me of it.  There is only do much you can focus on at a time and this isn’t optional as it is there all the time.  Pushing that aside tho, positive thinking requires a hope and reason to exist.  That is my stumbling block.  If the pain went away it would help so I could do more and have energy to devote to navigating this new path emotionally that I was doing, not how I will get things done to feel again I can take care of myself, home and dogs.  My mind is sleep deprived so any minor problem is earth shattering.  Just want to curl up and sleep.  Rest that restores.

like some others, I have no desire to find someone else to fill Steve’s absence.  What I miss is a friend as I have none that I can truly confide in.   I have to watch what I say around people because they definitely don’t get it with their full lives with thier partners.  It’s tiring pretending I have interest in their plans and going ons.  I want to feel interest.  I've had a couple guys show interest in me but it’s not going to happen.  Too much work to try and feel that safety and trust I knew for over 3 decades.  The best I can hope for is caring without trying to 'fix' me.  I’m a different person now and have my hands full figuring out who that is myself.  Never say never can be misleading.  Some things you know deep in yourself are forever.  I don’t even know if this makes sense.  So tired.  

 

On ‎08‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 10:39 AM, kayc said:

I don't think of "thinking positively" as bunk or something to fail at, but rather as something to try, so I guess I don't see it as a pass/fail or as a bunch of construed garbage.  I know some of you get volatile and angry when you hear it, that makes me feel bad because I don't know another way to be than to keep trying and if I try to be positive, it's not meant as a reflection on anyone but myself.

Kayc:  It's so hard to articulate what you mean sometimes by writing.  I don't think striving for positivity or hope or trying to look forward is garbage or bunk......It is something I try to do and want but not something I want said to me in the form of advice or how to get on or fix myself when I'm in pain.  Do you know what I mean?  I have been hurt by that advice time and again since John died (as well meaning as it probably was maybe) because it shuts you up when you might need to spew hurt and sorrow, can make you feel guilty.   It's funny....if a person will/can allow you space to feel and be sorrowful, rage against the universe, and speak your fears about life and love, magically sometimes it allows you to make some small moves towards feeling hopeful and "positive."  John was really great at being able to do that and I miss it terribly.  I could be very negative and down and he was able to listen and just accept me where I was...he would hug me and say, "it's going to be okay."  Wow, how powerful and positive that was.  I guess since we're all on here talking, that is what you might call positive and looking for hope.  I know it is for me....fondly, Cookie

On ‎07‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 2:00 PM, TomPB said:

Dee, I hear you. I've done everything I can, followed all the suggestions, about how to survive this nightmare. I have OK periods but the realization that Susan is gone always comes up and slams me at some point. I'm in one of those now. I've suddenly made amazing progress setting up a permanent Memorial after not being sure what to do. This is good, but it also amplifies the fact that she's gone. Even writing about her in the past tense hurts. I have friends and family who love me, but that love isn't a millionth of Susan's. I stay active and do things, but go home to nobody where once we were so happy. As this new life is revealed, it seems infinitely "less than" what we had. Sorry to be negative, but I'm in a low now. 

TomPB:  I also relate to what you feel as well as Dee.  You're not negative, just hurting....I also have many of those times still too.....it doesn't seem to hurt less as much as I keep hoping it will.  Take care, Cookie