Cookie
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Posts posted by Cookie
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Gwen: I do understand, I think, what you are saying. Even being as lonely as we are does not necessarily give us what it takes to meet someone new and get happy, and the "changing your life" thing is complicated and sounds a little like the "positive thinking" thing that can make one feel really terrible because they can't seem to achieve it. I think sometimes it's just the roll of the dice or it was meant to be and happens despite what you do, which is wonderful for those it happens to. I truly wish all those on here who have found each other much happiness, and they are lucky; who wouldn't wish them well. In truth, I wish it could happen for me, so I'm probably a little jealous, but not in a negative way.....for me, John was my soulmate and love of my life, and if I could find another person who could be that I would be so happy, but don't think it's in the cards for me. I do get out, do lots of things and meet people, but still have that big black hole in the pit of my heart and stomach. I know, "never say never".....but it's not for lack of wanting and trying I can tell you that. Cookie
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On 07/26/2018 at 2:18 PM, Marg M said:
Tom, I went through a weird yesterday. Billy and I had 54 years and the last nearly 30 years were perfect. Yesterday I remembered the six weeks we were separated though and it was both our faults, he told me something and my revenge secret nearly floored him. I had tried to tell him before but he would not accept it. So, the first four of those weeks of separation we still "saw" each other every day, he hated me. Someone told him "you are just angry because she beat you at your own game." I think that sunk in but by that time I saw a life of my own and was not turned off by it." But, we went back together and somehow it was like gorilla glue, we never mentioned it again and we were finally best friends. But yesterday, all I could think about was those six weeks, and I was "something" and don't know what I was. Maybe angry. I don't know, but I don't like that feeling any more than the grief. I don't know how I could let myself remember that low point and forget the happiness.........but weird things happen. I wonder if there is a perfect "Leave it to Beaver" family existence.
No Marg, I don't believe there is. As close as we were, John and I also had two separations in our 47 years together...neither of us was perfect. But, what I say about it is all the ups and downs were what made our relationship so rich and interesting, like a colorful quilt, and challenged us to find the loving, liking, get real. I wouldn't change anything. We got so close due to all the goods and bads. Sounds like you and your husband did too. That's why I know it will never happen again for me. I don't think I have that many years left to build another rich relationship.....Cookie
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On 07/25/2018 at 8:12 PM, iPraiseHim said:
As you know, grief takes time. My assurance comes from God, reading and meditating on the scriptures. I wish I knew some way to impart that to you. My prayers are simple, "Lord help me!" His word says that we (people) know how to give good gifts and we are not perfect. I know that when we ask God sincerely and just keep asking he will answer prayer. My collie, Brandee, of 10 years developed stomach bloat (twisted stomach) . We did not have the money to do the surgery so I had to make the immediate decision because she was in severe pain. My wife was not even able to say her goodbyes. I still miss her every day.
Death is just so painful on so many levels. I do pray regularly that God will grant you peace and rest with Olive. Our pets have a special bond of love and trust. (((H U G S ))) -. Shalom
George: Thank you for your comforting words. I'm trying. It's coming and going. She was such a big part of my life, especially since losing John and Ranger. I think the suddenness of it was traumatic (which it sounds like you are familiar with). Thinking about another puppy, but will have to be careful and take my time. Need something to love.....Cookie
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Tom: That was lovely...what a rider; you should be proud. I love horses too. Don't get to ride much. Have gone on a couple trail rides recently. Thanks for sharing the wonderful video....Cookie
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On 07/07/2018 at 9:44 PM, iPraiseHim said:
Cookie,
I am so sorry about Olive. This grief is no different than the loss of your beloved husband. Although it FEELS like you are being punished it is because death hurts so much. Your beloved, Olive, was with you at her time of transition. She was beside you, whom she loved. My heart grieves with you. It is okay to be devastated. Feel whatever feelings that come. Yet know that the UNIVERSE (GOD) is always for us and not against us. I'm sending hugs your way. {{{ HUGS}} - Shalom
George: I reread this because I am so bereft after losing Olive and I wish someone could convince me that the universe is for us/me. I can't seem to shake this....one loss too many is what it feels like. Trying not to lose hope about life.....so sad still...Cookie
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On 07/09/2018 at 2:14 PM, MartyT said:
Still hurting with you, Cookie. Here is the one I lost:
This video spoke to me when my beloved Beringer went to the Rainbow Bridge:
Looks like such a sweetheart...my heart goes out to you too....
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On 07/10/2018 at 12:40 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:
I empathize with your heart break Cookie. Your girl is beautiful. Thanks for sharing her story and her photo.
I have lost way too many fur family members over the years. Most recently were two of my horses that had to be euthanized. The dark one, Dakota, in Sept '16 and the other, Kachina de Chelly, in Sept '17.
Oh my gosh, how beautiful....so sorry...
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Thank you all for the love....kayc: I'm doing a little better; have quit beating myself up for thinking I caused her death somehow. Still in quite a bit of pain, but going on with the usual stuff. Miss her so bad. I know you have all suffered like this and so your words of comfort really mean something....fondly, Cookie
My little girl.....
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I can't believe this has happened. I lost my sweetie Olive on Thurs. Had picked my nephew up from the airport; she was with me. We stopped and took a little walk...she was her usual, happy, smiling self. Got back in the car. I turned around and could tell something terrible was wrong. We jumped out and pulled her out...she was having trouble getting breath. We tried CPR, compressions....she was dead in 30 seconds. I am so torn up and feel so dark. No rhyme or reason...just dead. I really feel like there is a curse on me....first John, than Ranger, now Olive.....why am I still here. She has been my comfort and companion these last 3 years and especially since Ranger left. I feel like I'm being punished and there is no point to me. It's almost like the universe is saying, okay, get out of here, like I'm being pushed over the edge. The vet said it sounded like acute heart failure...in a seemingly healthy dog who was only 9 and 1/2? Just devastated right now......
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On 06/19/2018 at 10:49 AM, kayc said:
Oh Darrel, I can't imagine how hard it must have been to watch her suffering. And Mitch too, watching his precious Tammy suffer. I only went through a couple of days of knowing my husband probably wasn't going to make it, I can't imagine the slow grueling slippery slide into death. It's something no one should have to go through. As wonderful as our lives were together, as perfect our love and happy our marriages, this is the hard price we're paying.
Today is 13 years since my husband left here to wait for me in heaven. To say I miss him is an understatement. It's weird looking back after 13 years, he still looks the same,while I've aged. My hair is now white in the front, and I'm no longer the young bride he married. I look back at our pictures when we met and I looked so young...would he still love me as an old woman? You betcha he would! Oh my goodness, my George, I miss you!
We wish only for their happiness.
Oh kayc: What a great picture...looks like a very neat guy. Thanks for sharing. I wonder the same things....would John find me attractive now. Love to you, Cookie
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Sweet pictures Marg.....Cookie
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41 minutes ago, kayc said:
Karen,
Thank you for sharing the pictures! It's good to put a face to the names, I feel as if I know your family!
Debbie is very beautiful, I know you miss her so much.
And look at that eager face on Marley! Tatum looks pretty happy too.
My you guys look so young on your wedding day, and Marg, oh my goodness looks so young holding those fish!
Cookie, your dogs are beautiful, I'm sorry you've lost one of them already.
Loved seeing the pictures...everyone send more. It is nice to put a face to the people you share so much with......Cookie
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18 hours ago, Gin said:
Cookie,. Same place as you. Nothing seems worth doing. I am also reading the Soulmate book. I am really trying to do suggested things...exercise 5-6 times a week, journaling, accept invites. Still pretty miserable. Part of the problem is my age and physical issues. I am surprised that I still try. The loneliness is torture. I do not have any pets any more. After our last dog died, I wanted another. Al was almost blind by then and we were afraid that he would trip over a dog. Maybe it is time to look. I had a bad winter last year so hope I can deal with taking a dog out. But, maybe it woul be an incentive.
Gin: My dog is my lifeline. They give you so much love and companionship. I have thought that after Olive leaves, I might consider a small poodle....I'm a poodle lover. Anyway, you can pick them up and take them places you can't take other dogs. Also, they don't require as much walking, so maybe that would be an option for you. You could also go to the local animal shelter and see if they have any loveable, already house-trained small dogs you might bond with. I highly recommend it. Life is so brutally lonely, and a pet can really bring you even a small measure of love and connection. Hugs to you, Cookie
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On 06/21/2018 at 8:15 PM, mbbh said:
Another loss... And another... And another... And another.
I am sick of it. My John died 19months ago. 9 months later, his mother joined him. 9 months later, just 4 weeks ago today, his father joined them both. John's parents were elderly and in poor health. Their deaths were expected and they were ready. John's was neither. I need him here.
About 2 months ago I reconnected with a high school boyfriend. We had not seen each other in decades. I invited him over knowing this relationship would never work. We are too different and there were other reasons. Nevertheless, there was a spark and I am lonely. I invited him in and 1 thing led to another it it got out of hand and I was sexually assaulted.
Sexually assaulted because of grief and loneliness. I need my husband back. I do. I need him. I am hurt and long for John. I don't know what else to do. I cannot keep this up.
Mary Beth
Oh mbbh: Just read this....how completely horrible for you. I hope you did get some help for this. I can't imagine having that happen as if you didn't have enough to deal with. Please take care, fondly Cookie
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On 07/01/2018 at 12:51 PM, olemisfit said:
I'm sure everyone here has said that, or will when their turn comes. And the awfulness of being at this milestone doesn't become better just by us mumbling what most of us end up chanting at one time or another during this journey..."Oh well, it is what it is".
My journey down this path started 2 1/2 years ago this past Friday. My Cookie went into the hospital with pneumonia on 12/13/15. On the 15th she was moved into the hospital's critical care unit and put on a ventilator.The hospital's policy was to keep her heavily sedated while on the ventilator so that she wouldn't fight the tubes and try to pull them out. So, once that started she never consciously knew it when I was there to visit her each day.On the 20th the tubes were removed as a trial to see if she could breath on her own. When I got there to visit her that day she was awake and alert. We visited for a while, and then she drifted off to sleep. That was the one and only time she and I actually talked to each other after she was moved to the critical care unit. After they re-sedated her and put her back on the ventilator on the 20th, we never spoke to each other again. But I visited each day, and I held out hope that she would get her strength back and get better, and be able to return home. But finally, on New Year's Day of 2016 the jig was up. I wasn't able to ignore the ugly elephant in the room any longer. I had to make the awful decision and then give the instructions that we all hope we never have to make. Was it ever hard to get the words out of my mouth and then sign the paperwork to end my wife's life. But it was time to end her misery and suffering. To anyone who also has had to make this decision, you have my sympathies. I know how hard to was on you. It isn't an easy process to have to go through, but then it shouldn't be easy, should it?
Cookie and I were blessed with being together (physically) for 41+ years. In some ways being together that long does I think make it harder to be without her. Any couple that stays together that long and truly loves each other develops a real dependency on each other. In every way imaginable. Being without my Cookie hasn't been easy. Especially the year of 2016. I didn't even stumble upon this group until Christmas Eve of that year. But I did somehow survive that year. At the time, I didn't much care whether i did or not. But I did. And 2017 was a bit better for me. And now, 2018 so far has been more tolerable than even 2017 was. So, it is true isn't it? This grief crap really is a journey or a process. Cookie and I are still together spiritually, and I have to be content with that. I don't imagine I will ever forget her. I think about her every day. I talk to her, I tell her i love her and miss her numerous times each day. And by now I get through most days without curling up in the proverbial fetal position. But the trigger days still get to me somewhat. Like last Friday. Or our wedding anniversary (March 7th). Or her birthday (August 16th). The big holidays don't affect me. Cookie and I had outlived each of our families and weren't able to have children, so the big holidays stopped being big events to us a number of years ago. So they aren't triggers for me now, which is a blessing.
The one thing that keeps me going, and keeps me sane, is the sure and certain knowledge that Cookie and I will be together again, when I join her in heaven. And that reunion will last into eternity. That is what makes it possible for me to continue getting up each morning, willing to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Darrel
Darrel: I cried reading this....you expressed your feelings well; John and I were together 47 years, babies when we met, grew up together, and you are right, that makes it so, so hard.....fondly, Cookie
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I definitely feel like you Gwen, Gin and scba: The life has been sucked out of me.....nothing yet has replaced the void of John, the easy companionship, affection, genuine caring and that we were on the same wavelength. I do keep hoping a little; I am posting this picture of me with my sweet Poods. I lost the silver last year, but the one in the middle, Olive, is what I pretty much live for now. They were both John's and mine and he loved them fiercely. I have to say that in the book by Alan Wolefeldt on losing your soulmate, he says that it is a trauma, like losing a twin and not an easy thing to deal with, that the pain can go on for a very long time. I doubt you are resistant, Gwen. You sound like me....just hurting so much and wanting relief but not finding it, even with much effort. The trauma idea would explain a lot of the posts here. I wish tapes and physical activities could work the magic of making things better. I'm not saying that stuff isn't valid; I'm just saying the rest of the world really believes if you just do these things, it will really dampen the pain. I like coming here because I get to hear honest and real dialogue. The truth for me as I know it after 3 years is that it hurts like hell just like it did at first, if not worse. All this time without John has been deadly in its repetitive hurting and missing, like someone hitting me over and over with a 2 x 4. It's not that I don't get some fun and laughter.....the moments like that live alongside a monster which always comes back and is just lying in wait. That monster moved in when John died. I'm hoping desperately for the thing that will slay it. One night when I was having a particularly hard time with the unrelenting hurt, I decided I would give it 2 years, long enough to see my daughter safely and securely on her journey as a speech therapist and probably about the time that Olive will be coming to the end of her life and then I would check out. I was amazed at how much peace that brought me--just having that plan, knowing that I didn't have to live 10 to 20 years like this. I am not suicidal, but the idea that I could do something about this was a comfort. That's the whole key here, I think. Eventually having a game plan that will bring, at least, some peace. At the end of the day, you've got to find a life raft.......
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On 06/30/2018 at 5:31 PM, Gwenivere said:
Count me in that boat, ladies. Getting towards tear 4 and I feel even more despondent. I was in the ER yesterday because of weird head stuff and they could find nothing wrong. I am having my neurologist look at it, but I wonder if it is the fact I’ve been so alone for so long. I’ve never been alone before. Having no one at all is mentally killing me. I do the volunteering and it’s changed. The people at the nursing home have more of a life than I do. Companionship. As Cookie said, it is his essence being gone that took all purpose. How long can a person watch life carry on from the sidelines? As I get more physically limited it adds to that loneliness. I know I will have to hire people, but it would be so much nicer if he and I could go do other things while they are here. But there is no place to go.
Marty, I’ve tried meditations, journaling and guided imagery. At this point nothing fills the hole. For me, personally, I don’t want to hear soft music and pictures and voices telling me about relaxation. That’s never been me. I want to laugh, discuss the world, plan meals and be able to tell him about my day. I want to hear about his. My counselors say I am resistant. Heck yeah I am! I used to live life, not watch or listen to metaphysical stuff. It makes it more depressing. All those coping methods focus me more on the emptiness. I know they help others, wish I was one. I miss feeling strong inside. Driven. Give me a problem, I’ll figure it out, or we would. Changing a lightbulb is monumental now.
People need a reason to live. Mine is gone. I’m not invalidating anyone’s grief. But I read about people here with families that keep them going like Kevin. It’s still hard I know. Having people that love and need you make all the difference in keeping that spark of hope.
On 06/30/2018 at 6:28 PM, mittam99 said:Today was one of those days, definitely hellish. Nothing seemed to go right. The worst of it was finding out the hard way (sloshing through the flood) that my water main (inside the basement) had sprung a major leak. To make matters worse, the water shut off control had seized up and was stuck in the on position. High pressure city water was blasting into my house. I frantically started calling plumbers, holding a bucket in one hand and a phone in the other.
Being a Saturday, it wasn't easy to even get somebody out to my house. Finally, a plumber came out but it was hours later. What a mess. I also was at the mercy of the plumber and he definitely overcharged me, but... based on the circumstances, what could I do?
As if all that wasn't bad enough, my Tammy wasn't here to give me some sense of comfort, and compassion and most importantly of all, her love.
The pain never ends. But, I'm still here and I'm still trying the best I can. But nothing about this life of grief says "easy".
So sorry for your troubles....that sounds like it was horrible. It is so hard without our loved ones to comfort us. I know that I could face anything with John, and I still do face things, but, boy, is it a burden! You sound like you do your best....my heart goes out to you, Cookie
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1 hour ago, scba said:
Today I feel sad, heartbroken and lost. Today I am numbed about all that surrounds me. I am like a robot and acting as such. Today I care about nothing and no.one, I have been doing what it is has to be done: get up, have breakfast, wash teeth, groceries, lunch, dishes.... Last night I felt the pain reaching to the core of my spirit. I told God I could not do more. I took a pill to fall asleep, something I dont do. It didn't work. I feel my body is collapsing and my boat is sinking again.
I don't know what I have done wrong.
It is year n. 4 on this hell. I guess I will never heal. I have lost hope of it.
My boyfriend was my soul's life. I knew it for the time we spent together. I knew it when he was taken away from me, I knew it fully later in this grief journey. And now I must carry on without him. I don't fully understand it and why.
I feel cursed because I have had a soulmate.
I feel he is not here with me.
I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.
Oh scba: My heart is heavy for you....I can relate. Year 3 for me and I feel very much as you do today all the time. John was my soulmate also. I hate to admit that I've been jealous of others being able to find another love. I kept thinking if I could just meet someone, I would feel better, that I'm just lonely, etc., but what I've realized is that although it sounds good on paper, the reality is that I want that particular person's (John's) essence and that is not possible. It does leave you feeling quite depleted and hopeless. It does feel like all that joy and contentment is now a curse. I do keep trying to keep the hope, as small as it is, that there is something out there for me, some purpose to make all this bearable. Anyway, wanted to commiserate with you because I feel like I can. Hang in there...hugs to you, Cookie
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On 06/27/2018 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:
Cookie, my mom was like that too, judgmental, very black and white, she used God as a crutch to justify HER thinking/actions, poor God, He had nothing to do with it!
I agree that God would have nothing to do with that.....
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Marg: I have a sister very much like you describe yours. She used to be different when she was younger...then she became a born again Christian (I am not dissing Christianity; I'm saying that for some reason it had a terrible effect on my sister). She became very self-righteous, mean-spirited, judging of others, judging of me; told me I was going to hell. Can't talk to her about anything. She is very aggressive in her opinions especially around supporting the terrible things that are being done in the world right now by our present administration. It's another loss, loss of a sister. I have tried so hard to reason with her....but she is too harsh for me. Anyway, I do believe that we all have our opinions and a right to them, but cannot tolerate such hatefulness. It's true you can't change people, but we all try because we don't want to lose another relationship......
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18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:
I’m so sick of doctors thinking they know my body better than I do. I ask them specific questions about new meds for certain side effects and they either say no or play them down. I depend much more on my pharmacist than them and research on my own too. My biggie is anxiety or dizziness and docs usually say no. I don’t mean a slight hype, I mean triggering my anxiety attacks. Sure enough it may be there on the side effect list. My arthritis doc can’t get it thru her head I can’t take the anti inflammation meds. I can’t even take advil. I tried 3 of hers but she keeps saying there are 21 and one may work. Maybe, but it seems pretty obvious to me I can’t tolerate that family of meds and I’m certainly not going to try more experimentation. Same with steroids. BTDT too. I’ve been prescribed so many things that make it into my chart I finally went thru it at my docs and said let’s make this easy and I’ll tell you the 5 I am one and you can erase the rest. I also carry a card in my purse about meds. Have one on my fridge and in the car too if something happens. I need their knowledge but I also need them to listen to me. I’m the boss of this body.
You definitely have to fight an uphill battle, though, unfortunately. I think they are all so busy and overwhelmed and unless you make a fuss, you get put aside. I had a terrible time with nurses over John's pain meds. Most of them weren't working and they kept insisting morphine was the king of medicines...I did my own research and found out there were many options and combinations that hadn't even been mentioned. When I tried to talk to them about it, they basically told me they knew what was the best. That began my real descent in terms of my trust in medical personnel. I wish us all luck with it.....Cookie
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9 minutes ago, olemisfit said:
Here I go with some of my left-handed humor-I'm not going to include the punchline since I'm sure everyone knows what it is. The question is...what is the difference between God and a doctor? The answer explains Kay's predicament.
In the doctor's mind nothing......
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On 06/16/2018 at 6:19 PM, kayc said:
I am having a super bad reaction to an antibiotic for my ear infections...this "reaction" is worse than any pain I've ever known, I'm wiped out from it. Didn't sleep at all night before last. Went back to the doctor yesterday, felt I wasted my time and effort. I hope it starts improving soon. If it wasn't for my animals I'd probably have someone drive me to the hospital. But then if the doctor wasn't worried, I guess I should just give it time to pass...hopefully it does pass!
I bought a different car yesterday, my son is going to sell mine, I decided I need a four door automatic, I'm getting old and with the injuries I got last year (not to mention the time I broke my right elbow) it hurts to drive a stick shift, hold the clutch in, etc. Plus (picture this) most of my friends are in their 80s...a couple of months ago I drove them to a luncheon 50 miles away...Getting them into the backseat wasn't a problem, getting them OUT was a whole different ballgame! Picture me pulling, prying, pushing, you name it to get some 89 year old ladies out. I thought I was going to have to call for a crane! The episodes of laughter didn't help our cause any.
Oh, kayc, that sounds horrible.....hope it does pass. This getting old stuff is hard. I had to laugh at your description of getting the "old ladies" out of the car. You have such a good attitude in troubled times....hugs to you, Cookie
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23 hours ago, TomPB said:
Exactly. They still sleep with their spouses and share the same love and support. They are not looking for a new point to their existence and trying to find their way through a whole new sad life. The comparison is ridiculous and offensive. I also got "When your soulmate dies" precisely because of the quote Marty gave which recognizes the uniqueness of this grief. Take care, I've found that after I get through a "big day" OK the hit can come after...TomPB
TomPB: I know what you mean about the hit coming after....I will think I'm doing ok, and then go home and the bottom falls out. I so want this to be a straight line forward because getting ambushed by pain is very difficult and I always feel like maybe I'm not moving through this.....Cookie
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Debbie is very beautiful, I know you miss her so much.
Dealing with the Ups & Downs
in Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other
Posted
Dee: I found so much in what you wrote to relate to. I also feel such great pain 3 years out and it has surprised me. Thought it would be easier, like a lot of people say. My husband was also an outgoing friendly guy, which I greatly admired, and I too feel like it should have been me and not him.....just wanted to commiserate with you. You are definitely not alone in the way you feel....hugs, Cookie