Cookie

2 hours ago, scba said:

Peace to you, Kay.

Oh...that is very touching.  Those gestures mean so much...hugs to you Kayc

2 hours ago, scba said:

OMG Cookie! I can`t believe you have been targeted with that speech. Freedom? Of what exactly?  Perhaps they ment to themselves and their partners. How horrible and unfair, in any way, to express that about another human being.

 

Yes, scba, unbelievable....my answer to that is I was free when John was alive, beautiful, nestle down in such comfort freedom.  John's love gave me such freedom to explore myself and the world.  Now, I feel trapped....love is the most freeing thing that there is.  Also, I've had a real education since John died in terms of the carelessness of people.  I know that many don't try to be hurtful, but, gee, a little thought before speaking would be nice....and then when you realize what you said was hurtful, wouldn't it be nice to address it at least and try to find out why it was hurtful?  I think the person who said that about freedom never had the connection and love with her husband that many of us have known, so I try to think compassionately about it....

On 6/12/2018 at 6:20 PM, TomPB said:

Cookie I know exactly what you mean and I wish you the best getting through the day. Sharing with others who have lost a soulmate is what helps me the most. Nobody else has a clue. Geez, this AM my local therapist (NOT my angel grief counselor) suggested that Susan's siblings might be experiencing the same grief that I am. Unbelievable. ❤️🐼

Seriously?  I'm sure they miss her terribly, but you ate, slept, spent all your time with her (like me and John) and besides loving her completely, just the enmeshment of both your lives makes the loss of hers so excruciating.  I am reading "When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt, which I think MartyT recommended.  If nothing else, it lets you see that you are experiencing the normal pain and disorientation of having half of you torn away.  He says it's similar to losing a twin if you want to try to compare it to anything.  Anyway, I needed it because I've really felt like I must be losing my grip.  No one gets this except for others who have experienced it, and I mean losing a soulmate.  I know other widows who have lost husbands and they suggest that I should be enjoying my freedom...(???) My heart goes out to you.  It is a great comfort to talk to those who know what this is.  Thanks for your support...Cookie

So sorry that we feel like this, but it is a comfort knowing I'm not alone....hugs to you all

Why is this so hard?  It's been 3 years and, yet, I'm experiencing such sorrow, anxiety and panic with the anniversary of John's death being tomorrow.  I've wondered if I have some disorder...PTSD maybe?  It feels like a disorder....this can't be what we have to live with so long and for how long?  Is this normal?  I think the people around me think there is something wrong with me.  I just can't shake it.  I also feel apathetic....nothing is interesting...just counting down the days.  Trying to keep busy....but it is work.  Feels like I will never know what it is like to be happy or just content again....sadly, Cookie

Janka:  Thank you so much.  I know you know what this is.....so wish we had our loved ones here......you are a very caring and thoughtful person......Cookie

Yes, I would like to be able to say it's better, but it's still hard.  John will have died 3 years ago on June 13th, and is very painful just anticipating it.  Thinking of you all....Cookie

On ‎05‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 2:48 PM, Marg M said:

Well Cookie, I read all eight (if I remember correctly).  If you go to Amazon, somewhere on one of them is my critique along with lots more.  I complained that 25 pages dedicated to one sexual act was entirely too much for a 75-year-old.  But, I have checked her historical facts (and though the time travel is hard to grasp, but wonderful to read), and she is spot on with the history.  What was funny was another person reviewing the same book praised the pages of sex, and this was another 75-year-old woman.  I hate to say it, but either my memory is terribly faulty (which it is), but I never remember 25 pages for one time.  Too late now.  

Well, I don't even remember the 25 pages (oh no!), but I do remember the episode, and I've watched it several times....very sexy!  Cookie

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Kay, I also am afraid my body won't cooperate, but I am not a "joiner" and will probably watch it on a DVD, which I probably threw away 2-3  when I moved, but will have to order another.  My hip bones were riddled with the radiation and I am probably lucky to be walking, but my feeding my grief with calories is going to work against me.  I think they have it for all kinds, shapes, and conditions, even wheelchair yoga.  It is just conscious movement.  I listen to meditation also and that wax that surrounds my brain must keep the subliminal part from reaching my brain.  I fall asleep about as soon as I take the breathing exercises.  

I did look at the DVD's offered.  Free will, personal choice.  Like I said, I am not a joiner, I would not go to classes. 

I admire Al Roker and know he has had the stomach surgery to help lose weight.  My friend had it and then had to have a liver replacement, and then didn't make it, so I admire people who try things to help themselves.  It does not work sometimes and sometimes it has embarrassing or disastrous results.  I think Al Roker soiled himself on TV one time, but still he came back from it.  He still is on TV.  I admire people like that.  Don't know if I could.  I have not  had that surgery, but like to stay close to my bathroom.  My TV screen is not far from my bathroom.

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is when I get frustrated having a back that limits me from such things as yoga.  I’ve heard about yoga for disabled people, but even what I have found is not compatible with my spine.  I’d never thought I’d see the day i would be qualified for a handicap placard which I just got.  Luckily I can still vacuum having the furry kids, but walking or trying to lay down kills me.   I have to keep reminding myself I am 62 because I feel so much younger in my mind.  Well, my body reminds me.  Luck of the genetic draw.  I see people my age and older doing the simplest things like taking a walk or doing yard work.  Hard to stave off the depression it brings.  I’m cancelling PT this coming week because it always makes feel worse.  So another place for a viscous cycle.  Depression causes stress and vice versa.  

Gwen:  Doing whatever yoga you do in a hot room with high humidity is what will get you past your problems.....I know, I sound like a damn preacher, but I'm telling you, I had a horrible back problem that no one could diagnose years ago and very hot yoga is the only thing that worked.  It was slow and took time, but what did I have to lose.....Anyway, my thoughts are with you.  Getting old is no joke.  Hope to keep moving till I die.  PT always has made me feel worse.  It's because they focus on one part and don't include the whole being and you're usually not warmed up enough.  Well, enough of that.....take care, Cookie

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I haven't tried Yoga, it seems all the classes are at night when I can't drive.  I also worry about being able to physically do it.  But I do meditation and that helps me tremendously.  

 

Kayc:  Anyone can do yoga...trust me.  If I could, I would send you some great gentle yoga videos.  Try looking at ones by Patricia Walden, Rodney Yee, etc.  There is gentle chair yoga.  I started yoga due to a serious back injury 28 years ago.  I went to Bikram's yoga in LA...very hot room with lots of humidity.  I couldn't bend 1/4 inch in any direction, was in constant pain.  All the doctors told me to never bend backwards.  Well, that proved to be untrue, and the yoga literally saved my life by taking care of my back.  It did take a year, but remember, yoga is not a quick fix for anything.....takes time, but is worth every second and you get many benefits along the way.....  Cookie

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

Cookie, that might be the best suggestion I have heard yet.  I know my dad was where my kids inherited their bipolar.  Back then we did not know stuff like that, but my dad when he had a problem, he did everything he could to overcome it.  He had the essential/congenital tremor like I do.  He did not let it stop him.  He led singing every time the doors opened and we had to sing, and we were Missionary Baptist, if Fannie Crosby wrote it, we sang it and he did not show any shaking because his hands and song book went with the beat of the music.  In later years, (he only lived to 65), he practiced yoga "religiously."  He had to do something.  He lived with Mama, me and my sister, and I'm sure he had a lot to overcome........again, he lived with Mama.  I saw how he conquered his emotions.  My mom was a fighter.  She grew up fighting brothers and sisters.  I saw her one time slap Daddy three times.  I saw then, and understood, how Daddy overcame his anger.  He put his fists in his pockets (khaki's), turned around, walked away whistling.  Used to puzzle me.  My dad was a gentleman.  He did not ever hit a woman, and that is why his hands were in his pockets.  But, the yoga calmed him.  He didn't even care if Mama made fun of it.  He had a book and he followed it.

I'm proud of you Cookie.  We each have to live, and in so living, we have to conquer fear and sometimes just cry with grief when it lays on us hard, but we get back up and do it all over again.  I think yoga would help all these darn aches and pains I have........and not eating so much too.  I think sometimes I feed my grief and when I do that, it hurts my legs.  Reading Dana Stabenow's last book (for now). I am caught up with C.J. Box.  Not going to read Margaret Coel's last book (her 20th) on the Wind River mysteries. She said she was not going to write any more of them. I hate reading last books.  I read the last book of Aimee and David Thurlo's on character Ella Clah.  I grieved cause Aimee had passed away.  Enough finales in our life.  

ADDENDUM:  Ana, so it was you and Cookie both who do yoga.  Double reason to try it.  

 

Please do try it if you can....you can even do gentle chair yoga.  I had a yoga teacher once tell me that you can do yoga on your deathbed.  I had an amazing experience just last week after a yoga class.  We were all in relaxation pose and all of a sudden I "came to," meaning I had gone somewhere so peaceful, wonderful and full of love.....later when I reflected on it, it felt like John and all that is.  I know that sounds strange, but that is how it came to my mind.  Then I thought, God, I want to go there now.  I had the feeling it was that place we go when we die, and I am not a hardcore believer in anything.....I've never had that happen before.  I always feel peaceful after yoga, but this was something else.  I have been having a hard time again.  The 3-year anniversary of John's death is coming up June 13th, and the pain is cycling around pretty intensely.  Maybe John was trying to bring me comfort.  That is what I would like to believe.  I told this story because it's true that yoga, any kind, gentle, aggressive, whatever, does bring you peace and balance, even for a little while.  That's worth something!  I'm impressed by your dad.....Hey, have to tell you I've discovered the Outlander series and books.  What a fantasy, a sexy, wonderful fantasy.  I've been using those for escape these days.  Hugs to you Marg and all....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 1:42 PM, scba said:

I strongly advice yoga practise. I am not the yoga type of person (fitness, flexible, vegetarian, philosophical). But you don't need to be any of that to start. My job is a desk computer type. My neck was hurting and after a while it didn't hurt, because it was already contracted and damaged. My wrists and low back were in pain too. Headaches started, no pills were enough. Against my will and with a dose of sckepticism, I went to yoga. I felt the results a year later. My neck is doing better and when it doesnt, my body sends an alarm right away to get me back on track. With yoga, and surely with any excersice, you realise how bad you were before. And about grief, with yoga you have to learn to stay focused on what you are doing, and for an hour your thoughts are somewhere else.

 

 

 

Amen to that scba....yoga is just about the only time I can escape pain; takes me right out of where I'm at and balances me for a while.  I highly recommend it.....Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 4:07 PM, mittam99 said:

That's just it George. I don't have any real passion towards anything in particular anymore. No one item as a must do on my bucket list. At this point, my bucket list contains one item... to find a glimpse of satisfaction in life. I'm not expecting real joy. Just something that makes me feel like I'm actually enjoying myself. That my life isn't just a futile, repetitive, Groundhog Day of dull, empty and meaningless going through the motions activity. When Tammy died, it changed me, understandably. I lost that sparkle in my eye. I hope it comes back but so far it's been 100% elusive.

I'm so glad that you've found some sense of joy again. We're all seeking something better than what we feel today. Hopefully that spark is out there for all of us.

I think that is the thing....that having someone you love more than life itself....what a feeling.  It informs everything you do in life, adds new dimensions, color, meaning.  I wish I could hope that was out there again before I die.  Life doesn't feel very worthwhile living without it, and you can't just manufacture it......Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 5:34 PM, Gwenivere said:

Every day is just monotony now.  Unlike the movie Groundhog Day, I just ramble thru on autopilot going to bed and repeating.  Afternoons are maybe different, but waking and the long nights alone are so hard.  No one to add some spontinaity.  Things run totally by the clock now.  When my dogs require something.  I look for things to do to kill the time but there aren’t enough.  The things I do think of are chores anyway that used to bring reward.  Sharing them with someone.  No one says....hey, let’s do this instead.  TV was only on when we watched something we recorded or rented, now it’s my roommate and full of baby boomer ads for disease and drugs with dire side effects.  Commercials about love (perfumes, jewelry, just seeing people together building a life) are heart wrenching.  I see that all the time in real life.  I’ve always been friendly with strangers but now I depend on it to feel connected to the world in any small way knowing I have to come to this now house, not home.  I guess I am writing this today because last night I was so angry he left and doesn’t feel this pain.  We always shared pain in losses.  I don’t know how to do this alone and especially about him.  I felt horrible wanting him to feel it, but it was desperation from being alone.  This wouldn’t exist to even deal with before.   So I’ll go out for a bit, come back here, change clothes, feed the dogs, get the house ready for the night, feed myself and sit in the silence of what was my heart.  The emptiness.  Wonder where he is.  Cry out for him to go to sleep.  See the images of life on a TV.  The first couple of years I was in a cocoon of disbelief.  It’s gone now after over 3 years.  There’s no protection from the reality of this.  I don’t even know what I am waiting for anymore.    I’ve tried so many suggestions.  I want us back.  Some one wrote the 5th year was thier worst.  I’m halfway thru my 4th.  I guess I believed it would get better as it has for some.  I’ve yet to find meaning and without that, I’ll be stuck in this a very long time,that I do know.   Ramble mode off, plenty of time in my head for that later. I’ll take my Xanax and hope for numb.

Gwen:  I know of what you speak.....I, too, after almost 3 years still feel so much pain.  I have this spiraling, up and down thing that happens.  I'll be okay, then boom the smallest thing sends me crashing back into the sorrow and pain....can't figure out how to stop it.  Feels like I'm doing time, as in a jail sentence.  I have also tried all the suggestions and frankly I'm tired.  There are those moments, though, and I cherish those.....the neutral, okay moments that are almost like heaven now.  Hugs to you.....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 10:17 PM, Gwenivere said:

Thanks for posting that, MLG.  I am going into my 4th year and am sooooooooo tired of outsiders not understanding how this affects everything in your life and always will.  My standard unsaid response is 'you try it for even a year and get back to me' about the progress I should be making about something you have never felt.  

So right!

On ‎03‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 7:33 AM, Linda E said:

Dear MG,

Thanks for your post, I have been on meds and see a therapist every two weeks. There is no magic pill for grief, the meds just keep me functioning everyday. I am in the 1% prolonged grieving group and will live with it until I die. I just exist day to day and I have accepted that I will not get any better since the day the died My Husband died because I died with him. I will never again have the happiness I had with him.  

 

 

Linda E:  You are not alone in being in the 1% group.  I am definitely there with you; wish neither of us was there.  After almost 3 years (this June), I still can't imagine life without him.  How long were you together?  I met my husband when I was 18 and we were together 47 years.  I know length of time is not really any measure of love, but gosh, 47 years was my whole life....fondly, Cookie

On ‎04‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 4:03 PM, Gwenivere said:

I go thru this thought processs every morning.  Every day that passes makes them harder to face.  I don’t want to live like this anymore.  I don’t know how to change the reality of it.  He'll never be here again.  I live in constant physical pain every day except sitting which gives my mind more time to think about the emotional pain.  When I was active I could at least engage it in some other less destructive thoughts.  So when I do my activities, I miss being immersed in them, just for a short while.  Things from volunteering to taking a shower to having to fill the dogs water bowl.  Loneliness and pain are tests of sanity or at least rational  thinking.  I am losing that and have no one to truly turn to.  As this is the start of yet another day, the thought of living long is not a goal at all.  It’s so hard being so disappointed I wake up. 

I do believe you can die from lack of happiness.  Lack of purpose, meaning and love.  So much of me has already.  This darned body keeps going tho.  I wish it would set me free. I can’t count how many nights I’ve begged for that going to sleep.  

Scba and Gwen:  I can really relate to what you've said.  I thought the description of "floating in a sea of unhappiness" was the perfect description of what I also feel.  Not happy...just getting through the days.  Wonder myself how long I can live like this....it's amazing to me how others around me think it's been long enough for healing, getting back to live (almost 3 years this June).  I don't feel that way at all....miss him more than ever and feel so sad all the time.  Thank God I can come here and read all your posts; it makes me feel like at least I'm not the only one in the universe who can't seem to find my way back yet.....take care all, Cookie

8 hours ago, mittam99 said:

This will be a bit of a novel but hopefully an interesting read...

Yesterday was Easter of course and it just wasn't the same without Tammy. Nothing is. It also was a day that something very frightening happened. But first a little background.

I live in a townhouse. Basically a house connected to many other houses. It's sort of like living in a 3 story apartment that you own because you have neighbors on the left and right of your outer walls. And often, you're at their mercy depending on the type of neighbor they are.

I've lived here for 30 years. For a long time everyone here owned their own home. But in the past 10 years some of the homes have become rentals and unfortunately one of those homes is next door to me. Let's call that the house from Hell or maybe the house of horrors.

Keep reading for all the gory details...

The first renter moved in next to us maybe 5 years ago. And they were horrible and inconsiderate. For all I know, they may have even been vampires because all their loud noise and activity was after dark. It was unnerving living next to them. And it affected Tammy deeply. She was homebound and mostly bedridden and she just couldn't relax with their random thumps and bumps. It often sounded like they were taking a sledgehammer to the wall. A part of me knows these terrible people contributed to Tammy's emotional stress. And that angers me. One night, the adults in that family encouraged their kids to throw icy snowballs at my house. My daughter Katie and I watched the madness in disbelief from her bedroom window.

As it turned out, when they were finally evicted a couple years ago, the landlord told me they did over $20,000 in damage to that house. They even knocked kitchen cabinets off the wall. How is that even possible? For lack of better words, they were monsters.

The next renters weren't as bad but they weren't exactly friendly and they enjoyed throwing trash in my yard. But enough about them.

Let's get to it and talk about my current next door neighbors and the frightening event of yesterday.

The only way to describe them is to say an unlimited amount of people live there. There is a constant flow of different families and individuals there. It appears to be some sort of safe house or drug house. They scream at the top of their lungs and argue often. They litter. And often, live music and heavy, thumping bass pound my walls, well past midnight. The police have been called to that house multiple times for domestic incidents. You get the picture. My life alone with Tammy is hard. I need neighbors like this like I need a hole in my head.

Easter Sunday. Around 4:30 PM. I hear a male voice screaming at the top of his lungs. He's next door on the backyard deck. I figured it was just another day with the neighbors from hell. In the distance, I hear a siren. What's new, right? The police have been called in... here we go again. And honestly,  that would have been better than what transpired.

Oh, it was sirens alright. Not police sirens though. It was the entire areas fire, ambulance and police departments arriving at the scene. My guess is at least 10 fire trucks, 5 ambulances and several police cars. The main road leading to my house was cordoned off. I see a crowd starting to gather and I throw some clothes on and go outside. And then I smell it.

The overwhelming smell of a house on fire. Yes, my next door neighbors house is on fire. Heavy black smoke billowing out of both upstairs windows. Keep in mind our houses are connected and I'm worried about my house being damaged. Seeing those dozens of firefighters with axes in their hands pointing to my house has me scared $hitless. 

I find out from one of the fireman that the blaze appeared to have started in their basement yet smoke is billowing out of the third floor. This is bad. We're all in shock watching this unfold. And then they bring out a victim of the fire. She appears to be OK but belligerent. She's fighting with the EMT crew as they try to put her on the stretcher.

About an hour later, the smoke stops spewing out and things calm down. Firemen go in my house to check on it. The air levels seem fine and they allow me to go back in my house. I'm shaken, understandably. I wish Tammy was here so we could console each other. Oh how I need one of her hugs.

I called out of work today. I think the smoke inhalation has gotten to me a bit. I'm a little lightheaded and woozy. Plus, I need the day to just sort of relax. This was an Easter I won't soon forget. 

Mitch....so sorry that happened.  I don't know what is wrong with people in this world.  It's unfathomable sometimes.  I always wonder why people can't live in peace together; I know, ridiculous question.  The fire thing really had to be scary....I can imagine your need of Tammy's presence and support.....I always feel so sorrowful and needy for John's comfort when things go south...virtual hugs from me too....Cookie

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh Mitch, I'm so sorry!  I send you a cyber hug, I know, kind of worthless, but better than nothing.  I'm glad you're okay and your house is okay and no one died in it.  Hopefully this means no one will be living there for quite some time and you can have some peace for a little while at least!  I'm so sorry Tammy had to endure all that when she was already suffering physically and didn't need that on top of it!

My own Easter weekend was eventful too, but yours makes mine sound tame.

I went to my son's to celebrate his birthday and...we had a great time there, but I won't be bringing Arlie back...Bruno attacked him again.  I think this makes six or seven times he's bit him.  Arlie has never bitten back, I don't understand what is up with Bruno, but I don't want to put Arlie through it again, and like Bethany said, what if the kids would have seen it or been in the way?  

Had a scary thing happen on the hike we went on...the trail got narrower and narrower the further up we went.  We were near the top when there was a washed out place on the trail, and I don't know how he did it,but somehow Arlie got turned around on the trail.  I was trying to help him get turned back around but he wasn't listening because he was in panic mode.  All of a sudden his back feet slipped off the trail, and there was a sheer drop off there.  I don't know how I did it, but I got his hind in back on the trail, it was just instinctive to grab him.  It must have scared Paul because he told me next time to cut the dog loose.  I couldn't do that, let my baby fall and suffer to death, leave him all alone, can't even think about it.  Bethany said better him than me, but I don't feel that way, he's like a child to me.  I never would have taken him on it had I know what it'd be like, but they'd told me we were going to hike on an old road, that wasn't the case, the old road was what we drove on before we got to the trail.  It was a spectacular view, but I opted not to go the last couple hundred feet or so, I could see the waterfall perfectly, just didn't get close enough to feel the mist.  I was literally praying we'd all make it down safely!  Three adults, a toddler, a baby, and three large dogs...it was just too much.  I hadn't been on anything like this for 13 years!  I hadn't brought tennis shoes, I didn't know they were planning on doing this.

 

The neat thing though was I felt totally fit for it and didn't feel it was too hard for me other than the trail being narrow and next to the drop off.

 

Keeping Arlie on safer ground...

It's kind of scary to think that we both could have plummeted to our death.

Oh Kayc:  Poor you and Arlie.....that is unbelievable scary.  I feel so bad about Arlie continually getting bitten.  Wonder what's up with Bruno.  Anyway, glad you could do the trail so well and that you're okay....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎15‎/‎2018 at 4:26 PM, Gwenivere said:

Ive had some weird things happen here, but stuff like that happened before I lost Steve.  Strange sounds and we'd find the oddest things.  Something we forgot in a drawer whose battery was dying, a new sound something would make we didn’t know, lamps that just went bonkers, etc.  I don’t feel anything that has happened since he left a sign.  Like you, Cookie, I’d have to see him and then I’d probably question my sanity.  I’m nit dissing anyone who believes because anything that brings solace is so needed.  I don’t have that so the aloneness is terribly devastating.  All I have are pictures and recordings he did and both bring pain still.  

Yeah, I feel such tremendous pain still looking at pictures and hearing his voice on a recording and I think it's because it just emphasizes how gone he is....you see him but he's not here, frozen in time; you hear the voice but where is he......Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 8:18 PM, Janka said:

Dear Cookie!

That´s how I feel it too.It does make things complicated to be misunderstood by people around who never felt that way.Everything is good until comes a wave of new shock,stress or other disaster and there´s needed a big power to go through.Those are the moments among states of peace and joy when things seem to be ok and there is something to look forward to.Anyhow it has so far away from the happiness we used to have before.I´ve found to be helpful my faith in God.Since then I manage all of those states of being much better.Lately I experienced it once again and being in the church,listening to the words of Holy Scripture and praying to God was very helpful and made me understand many things at that moment,so I found myself to be calm after.I think it´d be much easier having a family or someone close to me day after day.Being alone always makes things worse from time to time and having friends only can´t replace the hole in my heart.

Hugs from Janka

Janka:  I call God the Universe and I talk to it every day, mostly asking for help in having grace, getting through this somehow; sometimes now I can even thank it for the things I do have and the moments that are peaceful or contain joy on some level.  I hurt so much still, though.  One surprising moment for me was today when I went to my eye doctor for my yearly exam.  John went to him too and had known him.  After the exam, he looked at me and said, "how are you doing?" in a very sincere tone.  I told him and he just listened and said his father had died 12 years ago and it took his mother many years to feel okay.  Then he shared a story with me about John and spoke of how much he had liked him.  It was so powerful for me because that is so rare where I am.  Most people act like John never existed and get very uncomfortable if I bring him up.  It was so kind of him to spend a few moments just letting me be whether I was sad or whatever.  A lesson for all those out there who "don't get it."  Hugs to you, Cookie

I have had two very unusual birds show up at my place and stay for about 30 minutes during the last 2 1/2 years.  I want to believe they are from John.  He so loved birds and wanted to fly; loved to fly in planes.  But, I confess, it frustrates me....not really knowing.  I want something really graphic so badly, like a vision of him; then I think I would know.  If they can come or send birds, why can't they appear.  This is where I think it's all just wishful thinking.  And, it hurts so much....Cookie

Mitch:  Your post was so heartfelt.  My thoughts are with you....Cookie

13 minutes ago, Janka said:

Dear Tom!

What a lovely picture!It reminds me my plush toys sitting on my bed.Most of them were bought by my beloved Jan.I´ve got more than 70 by now.They´re like my family when I´m alone in the flat.Most of them were touched and kissed by my beloved Jan as he knew how much I adore them.I still talk to them most of the time,especially to my cutest rat who is always with me wherever I go as well as he always used to be being with my beloved Jan too.He was our darling and still he is as he will always be.I´ve been thinking about what I´d love to have beside me when I´ll die one day;it should be 3 most important things related to my beloved Jan:the photo of him,my mobile with many messages from him inside and my little rat Pepko on my chest as well as you can see on my profile photo.That´s what I´d want to be in peace...

As for our trips we made,we also used to travel every year.I even posted many pictures from Croatia on this site.I´m gonna find it to show you them.One of those places,we used to visit,was Crete too.We put up at the hotel situated in Agia Pelagia,directly on the rock with amazing sea view all around.Here are some of those pictures.It was like a dream with him...

 

Oh, how beautiful....would love to go there; of course, having John with me would make it really wonderful....Cookie

On ‎03‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 10:58 PM, DaveM said:

Cookie, I had no idea. It seems to me once a widow or widower, always a widow or widower, unless one remarries, I suppose. The world plays cruel tricks on us sometimes.

Yes, DaveM, I was totally surprised.  I never imagined....this world.....