Clematis

I went on a short canoe trip down the Vertie River this morning, as a canoe guide of the Vertie birding festival; I have done this for years and always really enjoyed it. The trip is so popular it fills immediately as soon as it's available online, and we treat the folks like royalty, ending up with a gourmet pizza lunch at this amazing place a couple has right on the river that has all kinds of animals and flowers and crafts and cool stuff from all over. The couple who owns and runs this operation a really nice and interesting people from New York who are in love with this area now that they're here. Yesterday, as I was trudging up to my house to water the plants, I was thinking I didn't have the strength to do this trip, but I heard my dad talking to me saying something like " it's just a canoe trip – you've been canoeing since you were about three – just go !" So, I went and amazing that off, I felt pretty much like myself. Now that I am at home I can't believe I'm so tired. I guess that's OK though… It doesn't usually make me this tired, but this is not my average year… I have this underlying exhaustion like an undertow. So I guess I did OK. I also did these two little paintings, one sitting on the back of the canoe during a little break, and the other of an iris in their yard dash the outdoor oven pizza couple. They have cons of hollyhocks all over the place that are about to start blooming in and I asked them if they would let me come back and paint in a few weeks when school Is over and the hollyhocks are blooming. This is he would love to have me come paint their hollyhocks – how nice is that! Since I live in a condo there is a real limit to how many flowers I can have growing outside, which is a little hard on me. If I didn't own my own condo they would probably throw me out because of an excess of flowers outside, as crazy as that is. It was really cool, when I had my dads yard as well as my own for planting, but I'll be down to just one, now that he's gone.

I think you're right. To me the oddest thing about that is this. When he was alive I would see what he was doing and tell him to stop and he would. He just liked to tease the animals. Lena and I were at my sister's house once-she has a Shitzu that is on the anxious side and takes Prozac. Daddy was in the other room with Bug and my sister and I were in the kitchen when he yelped and said Bug bit him. We said, in unison, "What were you doing to him?" I doubt it was much, but Bug didn't like it. So anyway, I tell him to leave the cat alone, he's "dead" and I sure can't see him, and he stops...I really don't get it, but it's happened at least half a dozen times...

You sound like a great cat-trainer! I had no luck getting Lena to fetch anything...and turning the lights off and on? That's amazing! How did that happen? What I read about training cats is to train them to do something they are already doing-or close to it-on command. The hardest thing I ever get her to do was to ring a bunch of jingle bells hanging from my music stand with her paw. It's tough to get a cat to do a trick that involves making noise because their instinct is to be silent. She really wanted to just wave at them and get a treat. Is that good enough? No... It took four months of work. But once she got the idea that she could get my attention from whatever I was going and get a treat, she was all over it. Especially when I am on the phone...ring ring ring... We are now working on the equivalent of "Speak" except I say to her "Say aloha!" and any vocalization gets her a treat. I work on it when she seems in a talkative mood".

I am so sorry that you lost him, and it being mysterious would make it really awful because you have no clear answers about what happened. I think you would have had some idea if he was suicidal. But feeling guilty and wondering if you could have done something different-well I think it is universal. I just recently lost my dad after a long struggle with Parkinson's disease. I took really good care of him; I took better care of him and anyone who knew us would have said that there was nothing more I could have done, but I couldn't stop asking myself and wondering. What if I had don't this or done that? And the platitudes ("well, it was his time", "well he had a long life", etc) irritate me. We all wonder "what if" but it doesn't mean there is any good answer to that. Take care of yourself and be really careful whatever you are doing, because grief makes one really absent-minded. Staying busy can be really helpful in the beginning, and with a new baby you will be. Grief counselors are really helpful, and this forum is wonderful; these loving people have helped me SO much.

Gwenivere, I was amazed by what you wrote about feeling homeless. I was thinking earlier today that I felt homeless and that the word seemed ridiculous because at the moment I have two houses-my dad's condo and mine. But mine no longer feels like home and I feel horrible when I am there. Lena the cat doesn't think it seems like home either and when I take her over there so she doesn't forget her home of 11 years, she sits by the door and waits for us to leave and go back to my dad's condo, which is full of his things but is empty because even though I am staying here, he is gone and never coming back. My cat is a therapy cat and travels around in the car quite a bit more than most cats, due to her jobs. She doesn't mind too much, but whenever she looks uncomfortable, I tell her that she IS at home...her home is wherever I am, even if it is in the car. I think she believes me-as long as I am holding her or if she is in the car, she never worries. I wonder - is it so much easier for a cat?

That is an amazing story...what a horrible accident. I can see why everything would have been "before" and "after" an accident like that. I think you're right; there is definitely a lot going on that we can't explain. I have been thinking about it a lot lately since my dad has been gone and I miss him so much and want to communicate with him... I live in Sedona, and there is a lot of "woo-woo" stuff going on here. Lots of phony psychics making money off of tourists, probably some bonafide psychics, and a lot of crazy stories about people being abducted by aliens and going aboard spaceships and other goofy stuff. But I have heard quite a number of people talking about people who have "passed" being on the other side of a veil that is actually rather thin. I really do wonder about this. I really do hear my dad talking to me and sometimes I just feel him around me. I think Lena is more sensitive to it than I am. Lena sometimes races from one end of my dad's condo to the other-in a beeline, just races back and forth. She never has done that at my own condo. But since he has been gone, sometimes she starts this crazy zigzagging around, up and down off the furniture, which I have never seen her do, I got the idea that he was teasing her or playing with her in some odd way, which he did do when he was alive. He thought it was funny and I'd make him stop. So she starts this crazy zigzag thing, and I say to him-out loud-"Daddy, what are you doing to the cat?" And it stops immediately; she just stops running and saunters across the room. I have no idea what this means...

These ups and downs are killing me...sometimes it seems mysterious how it comes and goes, and sometimes it's just the same ole same ole. I am walking up to my own house every day now because I need to water the roses and other flowers and plants there, as well as the plants at my dad's house, which I am realizing is my safe little cocoon that I am staying in. I used to be so relieved to go home to my own house-before my dad died. It always felt safe and kind of cool and dark like a cave, and I loved it. My dad's condo is much more light and open than mine-due to its orientation toward the sun. Mine is very close to a red rock wall, which makes it very private, and cool in the summer, which can be pretty hot here. But it's hard to imagine that I will ever feel ok up there again, because every time I go up there, not only am I reminded of how much work I have to do before I can move back in there, but it also reminds me of all the years I lived there safe in the knowledge that I could be in my own little condo and still see my dad any time I wanted. He was always happy to see me, even if it was three times in the same day, and he was only a minute and a half away! Does anyone think I can ever be happy up there again? Like once it is a combo of my condo cave against the red wall with Lena and the new blue carpet, my mother's paintings with all the blue in them, and my dad's furniture and whatnot? It seems so distant and impossible...

That cat of mine is an amazing treasure-I really have no idea how I would have gotten through the last three months without her. She is just SO sweet and lovey. She loves to roll in my shoes when I take them off-it's really amazing that my cat just can't get enough of the smell of my feet.Iknow dogs do that, but a cat??? She thinks it's mutual, too. When I lie down at night, she crawls in with me, and sometimes she softly puts one velvet paw on my nose and spreads her toes--so I can get a good whiff. You know, they have scent glands there that they use to mark stuff, although that is generally done with scratching. She never scratches my nose-just offers me a good sniff. Ummm...

How are you doing with your new cat now? Things any better? I don't think any cat/dog/person can ever replace another, but it might be a comforting transition. My cat came from the humane society and they had named her "Mena". I thought that was a terrible name because it sounds like "mean", but they pointed out to me that she answered to it. I renamed her Lena after Lena Horne because she is black and beautiful-and quite the vocalist. It didn't really make a difference that I could tell. She has since acquired some other nicknames, but the thing she answers fastest to is the word "chicken"

We passed our test, getting the highest scores in almost every area and the concluding comment "Great, experienced team". They were also impressed with Lena's jumping onto a chair when I snapped my fingers, sitting on command, doing a "high-five" on command, and whipping her head around to look at me every time I said the word "chicken". Lena was rewarded with chicken treats when we got home.

I think you're right, Kay. I keep thinking that I am all alone, when the truth is that over the past months of floundering around I have assembled a team of people who are ready to start once summer starts. And I already have a trip planned to go to Maui to paint, hike, play the ukulele, etc. I have a couple of offers from men who can move furniture, I have carpeting for my house picked out, I have two landscaper/gardeners to help with that stuff, and several people who are willing to come and sit with me-hold my hand and keep me focused while I sort through stuff... I guess I can't stop myself from fretting. Thanks!

Thank you Marty! I think you're right...even though I can see I'm starting to get a little stronger, it's not the time to push myself like a maniac. For that matter, it might be good if I planned on taking a reasonable pace through the summer as well...work on the estate/move project at a steady rate, but save time for a little painting and playing music every day. It's funny-now that I think about it, I've been totally focused on my dad trying to save his live and then his loss. But maybe this is really where most of my strength comes from-my identity,drive, and actual activity as an artist. That is actually the thing that has driven me and made me want to get up in the morning every day since I was a teenager-I wanted to paint!

I have worked in Home Health Care (as a Social Worker), and talked to a lot of middle aged children of the elderly, who were coming from the hospital into an uncertain future. The offspring were clearly bewildered, overwhelmed, and terrified of what was to come because they had their own lives of jobs, families, their own homes, and so on. They felt pressured by the discharge planners from the hospital to do more for their failing parents than they thought possible. I understood this totally because I had been at the hospital with my father lots of times, when the financial powers-that-be were trying to get him out. I knew what it felt like to have them sizing me up hopefully Since this old man had Parkinson's and lived alone, they might have to get really creative to find a way to get him out of the hospital. My dad was generally snoozing through these assessments of me-he had total confidence that I had the strength and confidence to handle anything. I saw the staff sizing me up listening to my statements about how I lived 1-1/2 minutes away and could move into his spare bedroom if I had to, and no doubt looking like a Rottweiler-and a social worker-and they looked SO relieved as they hustled off to finish the paperwork. But I don't feel like my dad's Rottweiler daughter now. I've realized that I got a lot of my strength from him, even though he was looking like he got his strength from me. We were a great pair, and now it's just me and Lena the therapy cat. Where is that strong woman? Am I still her? Lena says everything would be fine if I would just feel the cat-right now! She should be happy I am sitting up typing and not lying in bed... By the way, that picture on my icon is our picture from our Pet Partners I.D. We have to take our test this afternoon (3:30PST) to see if we can renew our registration as a Pet Partners therapy team. Wish us luck, my new friends, ok?

Maybe I'll feel better in five weeks and able to take on the job of sorting and moving. I do feel better now than I did before; the first month I was falling a lot, losing things constantly, dreaming every night that I could still save him, crying and ending statements by wailing "...and he's not coming back!" Then for two months I felt flattened and deflated, and it seemed that emotionally I was like a wet kleenex hanging in the wind, ready to shred at the least stress and either start crying or becoming defensively irritable. Now I think I've turned a corner and feel sad and tired but not exhausted. I feel worried about the long-term future without my dad, and the summer's big job of having to sort things and move. I feel resentful that my summer will be totally given up to working and I'll have no time to paint or even to rest, that I'll be working like a dog to get all this done. But maybe that's fear talking and not reality. I have a team of people lined up to help me. The only reason they're not here now is that I made the decision to really just back it all off until I have the time to really focus on it, because I'm off school for the summer. Maybe that is taking care of myself and I should just relax and enjoy being in my dad's space. Maybe if I don't spend the next five weeks fretting, I'll feel stronger and more able to actually move this summer...

At this point I am living like in a cocoon at my dad's condo, venturing out when I have to-like to go to work. But I feel terrified about the prospect of really doing the gargantuan task of going through his things, consolidating my things and his and moving back into my own condo with my stuff and his. I am starting to get to a place where I feel ok as long as I don't think too much about the future and how I will get through these changes. I think that's like a combination of living in the past and denial. I'm not sure that's helping myself. I have five weeks before I really have to start working on it. Maybe I should relax and stop fretting for the five weeks. Worrying just gets me into an anxious state. A bass player friend told ms Monday that I should do four things every day that were good for me-or to make me feel good. Four? I nodded my head but am stumped. But today I did a little painting and contacted my cello teacher about helping me with the cello part of Roses From The South, and I do have a new rose bush...not exactly four a day, but it's something...

ChinUp, I think you are absolutely right in that this is often a part of the grief experience. But I think there is much that goes on that we can't really explain. I once worked closely with a woman who took a short break to visit family in CA after a problematic visit to the dentist. Then one night she came to me in a dream. I was so happy to see her and jumped up to give her a hug. She stepped back and put up her hand, telling me to not be so excited because it hadn't gone as well as she had hoped. I called her husband the next day to discover that she had just died of leukemia. She had no idea of this when she left AZ. I think she wanted me to know what had happened to her because I would have never known, had she not contacted me. I have no way of explaining this, but I have heard similar stories from others that there is no explanation we know of. I think it's an enigma...

Hi Kathy--Welcome! George is right on in his suggestions to you. Take care of yourself in every careful detail, starting with being careful walking, and taking care of yourself as if you were caring for a child or someone could not care for themselves . If you think it's beyond reasonable to fly right now, that's probably true! If you have to see the twins right now, try Skype of FaceTime or something. George is right; grieving is exhausting for reasons that you can't even begin to understand when you are immersed in that particular river. At least that has been my experience. The other thing I think is true is that even when you know you are going to lose someone and have done some anticipatory grieving, no one can know exactly how it will hit them when the person you love is actually gone. I have found people to be much more understanding than I had anticipated-for the most part. My sisters have been awful, but every single other person I know has emphatically urged me to not be pushed around by their agendas and do things on the timeframe that works for me. Explain as best you can, and if they don't get it, be patient and remember that doesn't make them right. Try not to worry about their reactions. Stress can do amazing things to you, and you were probably already exhausted from caregiving by the time that he died. That was certainly true for me when my father died from late stage Parkinson's related issues after I had cared for him for ten years. You might want to get a medical opinion about how you are feeling...I have a friend who has the symptoms you describe when she is really stressed (from adrenal insufficiency), but everyone is different. Listen to what your body is telling you. This forum has been a lifeline for me and I have been SO grateful and felt so less alone since I have been on here. Take care of yourself-carefully, ok? Laura

I worked on the mental health staff at a prison for five years some time ago, and they counted on the mental health staff figuring out in rather short order if new or returning inmates had significant issues the prison would want to be aware of. That would include, coming off drugs, suicidality, volatility, mental retardation, and significant mental illnesses, especially psychosis. We had to learn to be sneaky about this because you can't just ask someone if they are psychotic (or whatever else). We would ask them if they had ever heard voices that others could not, seen things that others could not, etc. A lot of people would get nervous and obviously be thinking yes, but not wanting to say anything. So we would encourage them to just describe whatever it was. And TONS of people would talk about people who had died who had contacted them in some way-appeared in some kind of vision, appeared in a dream that was a lot more intense and detailed than an average dream, spoken to them, and so on. A particular lot of hispanic people would describe these occurrences. Many people had had this only happen once and it frequently scared them. They would immediately go on to ask us if they were crazy. The answer-no, you're not crazy. Not everyone has that, but it's totally normal and healthy. If I had the time, I would ask them more about it, but generally I had to move on to other things. Nevertheless, it's a topic that has long intrigued me. I would love to hear anyone's experiences that feels like sharing...

Marg, is it possible that you might have closed yourself off to experiencing these things? Or maybe are too preoccupied to notice? I don't think that is an ability/sensitivity that people lose, but you might be less in touch with it for some time for some reason. What do you think?

JA, Anyone would feel crushed and ripped apart by your recent losses as well as the cruelty and neglect by people should be caring about you. Your situation would make anyone feel lost and alone. You can't possibly have done done anything to not deserve love-we all do. You seem like a nice person who is staggering under multiple losses, and it's just not your fault. I have also had multiple recent losses-my beloved painting teacher and mentor, my uncle, my aunt, and worst of all my dad, whom I cared for through Parkinson's for ten years while we became the best of friends. My sisters seem to be coping by drinking wine and blaming me for stuff; right now we aren't speaking and that is probably good, as nasty as they have been lately. Also my friend of 30 years has stopped speaking to me, which has happened before and is a lot more about her than me. I guess you can see how I came up with my user name...I feel like I lost my entire family-and some other people, even though my sisters, like your brother, are still alive, and my friend will eventually be back to being there for me. Take care of yourself, and be extra careful whenever you are walking, driving, cooking, etc. I think it's good to keep reaching out-like to this forum, to a grief counselor, another professional counselor, etc. There really is support out there, even though you may feel totally alone and lost. This forum has helped me SO much, and amazingly enough-it's only been a week and I feel much much less alone and less lost...

Thanks! I was relieved to see that I haven't totally lost my chops! I think it's been at least six months since I painted anything. I did the artwork for the cover of the community orchestra's program cover this past season and would like to do so again (they loved it) but I have wondering how I could pull that off if I could barely get out of bed a lot of days... but maybe I'll be able to do it... I did this painting of a luna moth confusing a bat (we are playing Die Fledermaus) after meeting a biologist in Hawaii last summer who studies insect evolution. I met this man in the shuttle from the airport and he told me he was researching how the Luna moth had evolved so that it could twirl its tails around and confuse the bats, who would then focus on the tails and not the head & vital organs. The moon flower is a host to the Luna moth, naturally my cello (Mister Cello) is in there, and also Hildie, a bass with whom we've been camping several times at a bluegrass festival. Not just any bass, but blond Hildie with her lovely grain. And Lena, dead center, represents the audience. You can see the music swirling up to her ear...

Thank you, Kay! I called my cello teacher this morning to see if she could help me with these parts. She is almost the same age my dad was (88), and about the time he started really going downhill, my cello teacher (and same-aged neighbor across the street) were both diagnosed with different kinds of cancer. It seemed rather staggering, but I have kept in touch with these two ladies, and unlike my dad they pulled through their treatments and seem to be doing ok. But I don't want to bug either of them and I haven't had a cello lesson in a long time. Anyway, she was happy to hear from me and said she would be happy to help me with Roses From the South and the other piece. What a relief! And today I did these, while working with my kids at school...I'm painting again! I was showing them how wet-on-wet creates a mood, but you still need a center-of-interest. Small, but it's something... -Laura

That's great that your tests came back good! I think you're right-people do see it in your eyes and your face. When my sisters were out visiting me for my dad's memorial, we were in a Chipotle's and I almost fell backwards over a stroller (that I should have seen). The mom was very apologetic, and I just told her no, no, it's not your fault I'm stumbling around because my dad died and I'm just glad I didn't fall, because I could have, and so easily, and it wouldn't have been your fault at all. Looking at my face, she totally got it, stopped apologizing and was very sweet to me. My sisters told me they found it bizarre that I was telling this to someone I didn't even know. But people aren't blind and they see stuff in other people; I figure it's better to be real. It generally seems to help everyone more comfortable...

You are right, Marty- I loved the piece from Ben. It's very moving. I think that sometimes the essence from the heart and memory continues and that meaning can continue to hold its symbolic value by your deliberately placing the sentiment into a new physical item, like the pipe. I suppose that happens in religious ceremonies all the time-things with no inherent meaning are assigned meaning...why not for a family remembrance...even if you don't have the actual item? I think about all those people on the Gulf Coast who lost all of their mementos, photos, and family treasures...