Clematis

Here is a dog story-for entertainment only... I used to walk dogs for the Humane Society and that was ok; since they didn't really know me they weren't into licking and jumping on me. I always had dog treats in my pockets and a box of them in the trunk of my car and every dog that belonged to any friend or acquaintance of mine was well aware of that and never forgot it. I did Twitter for the Humane Society and photographed a lot of dogs and cats-or used existing photos and put them in better backgrounds to make them look more adoptable, and post them on Twitter. One of my sisters has a beautiful home with slipcovers, pillows, etc that she has made (she does this professionally for an interior decorator). I once took tons of pics at her house for backgrounds, and used them over and over. Sometimes I'd text her these pics of animals she had never seen-right there in her house! Hahaha! There was this one dog that would jump straight up in the air-really high-every time someone walked down the run at the shelter. I walked him a lot and sent her several pics-he had been at the shelter a long time and I felt sorry for him. She-and the people at the shelter were sure I was going to adopt him. Nope, not me. Anyway, one day I sent her a pic with a message, "He is really a jumper!" Or that's what I thought I wrote. But she texted back, "He's a HUMPER?" Oops... Anyway, someone adopted him about a week later-not me. I can't have a dog..when I go to work, it's for 14 hours or more, and that's too long for a dog. I don't think my cat would walk the dog and pick up after him... But one day, in the course of cruising on the Hum Society site for terrible pics of animals, I found Lena, and even though I wasn't sure if my allergies would tolerate it (I had suffered along with no cat for 15 long years), I saw her picture, jumped up, grabbed my keys and purse and went right over there to get her. Not that I am impulsive or anything... Anyway, after I adopted Lena someone else wanted to do Twitter, so now I just take pics of Lena...

Marg-it sounds like you know what you need-and don't need; you just feel guilty about it. You're not an animal person, and that's ok. I love cats but actually have some allergy to them. I like dogs, but need more space than they are sometimes able to grant-like at least an inch...in other words I don't want to be licked and jumped on, but I love to see and watch them. It is what it is. Maybe what you need is to hear that it's ok. So, I am here to give you permission to do and not do whatever you need to take care of you, and I bet all your friends here would heartily agree with me in saying that!

I agree...an animal companion can be a blessing and a comfort and it is an easy thing to wish for another. You'll know if and when the time is right-it will be when you WANT that pet so badly you are willing and able to do whatever it takes to care for it. I love having a cat who can serve as a therapy animal, because there are so many people-especially the ill and the elderly that love animals, but like you are in no position to take on the burden of an animal's care. Or maybe they live someplace where they cannot have an animal live with them. Lena has a number of people who can pet, snuggle with, and enjoy her--and then send her off with me to take care of her needs. Maybe one of your friends or family has a pet that you get along with well, who could be a special friend to you...you could share a little time together, and leave it at that...a little therapy visit, some petting, maybe a treat, call it a therapy visit, and they go home with their owner... Also, "selfish" is not a stage, but there are times that you have to take care of yourself or other priorities, because if you don't take care of yourself you can't do much for anyone else. I have spent my teen and adult live doing a lot of volunteer work, but when my dad moved out here and I began taking care of him, there was no time for being a "Big Sister",or helping other agencies with things where I could be a huge asset. My dad was my priority and I haven't done any volunteer work for years except taking Lena to work. I would also remind you of your generosity on this forum. You have helped a lot of people here-including me. You are not selfish, Marg-you are a giver if I ever saw one

Rylee, I keep thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. These days must be quite difficult for you and I hope you are getting through them ok. -Laura

It is so sad to have a loss like this in your family and I'm sure everyone is overwhelmed by a lot of feelings. I'm sure you feel really torn about having to leave your sister, and she will surely miss you and your help. Talking on the phone might enable you to continue to support her, although not as good as being there. When my mother died, my father was devastated since she was everything to him. I was across the country but I talked to him every day-usually for a long time, and he found it really helpful. The posts by Marty and the others are full of ideas and resources. Counseling for your sister and her son would be great, and maybe you can get her on here as well. We will do all we can for her.

I don't have an anxiety disorder, or panic disorder but definitely worry too much. Fortunately, I seem to have good sleep genes from both of my parents, but I tend to burn the candle at both ends and get sleep deprived. I am more like an ADHD kid that you can't get to go to bed because they're all wound up in something. I have to force myself to stop and go to bed. On the two days a week I work on the reservation, I have to get up at 4:30 and its really hard to go to bed early enough to get enough sleep that I am not a danger to myself driving. When my dad was really going downhill, I really don't think I would have slept at all without the valium-my mind was just racing night and day with ways to save him. After he died, it was even worse and I can't explain why I had trouble sleeping because I was exhausted, but Gwen and Marg, I think you understand. I don't know if taking valium every night at the smallest dose they make it (5mg) is enough to make it stop working, but I am afraid it will lose its ability to help me sleep. Maybe this is not the best time, since I'm in the middle of my busiest. most pressured couple of weeks of the school year. Anyway, I did sleep the last two nights with no valium-only Lena purring...in fact last night I slept a really long time, which was probably a good thing. By the time I finally got up, Lena was getting frantic and finally stood on my chest meowing in my face. Lena is a therapy cat and she has two jobs outside the home. She goes to an assisted living facility and she goes to a skilled nursing facility/rehab center next door, doing an hour each on Sunday afternoons. Her third job is me; she pokes and paws at me when it is time for me to get up, which I think she figures out because she hears an alarm or because she hears me stirring. And then at night she cuddles up and purrs-on most nights that is enough, but sometimes it's not. Last night as I was going to sleep, I was thinking I should rewrite words to "My Funny Valentine" as "My Fuzzy Valium"...

I'm quite serious about the cat. Something about the purring lowes the blood pressure. Wish me luck! And by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with valium; I just know that if will eventually lose its power to to work if I take it every night forever. And I want to be about to count on it to work whenever the next pad patch comes along. Meanwhile, let's hope the cat doesn't get too fat!

I hate to break it to you Gwen but you are not an idiot. Everyone, whether they smoke or not, can list the dangers of smoking in a heartbeat, and yet many people smoke anyway. Knowing the dangers makes no difference in why people can or cannot quit an addiction. Why is it that one person is able to stop an addictive behavior and another is not? No one knows! The 12-step people think they know and they don't. I have worked in mental health for over 20 years and I will tell anyone that this is one thing I just don't get-why some people can quit things and some cannot. I don't think anyone flat-out has an answer as to why. But it sure isn't how smart you are! I agree, Marg, I tried to shift the subject as well because there is no answer to this. If you smoke and can figure out a way to quit, great! If you can't figure it out now, then just try to not smoke upwind of people with respiratory problems. No one will ever agree on this one. As for myself I am hoping for two nights in a row of sleep with no valium...Lena looks rather hungry at the moment. Perhaps if I get into bed with a big bag of cat treats and give them to her slowly, she'll purr me to sleep.

Rylee, it really does sound like you are in a difficult position. From what I understand, when people are dying they do not want or need fluids and it is more difficult on them to force fluids by way of an IV or nutrition by way of a feeding tube. If she's hungry, she's hungry...or thirsty. I would have a hard time withholding what was being asked for, although it does make sense from what I know not to force it. I hope that if you are taking her home that you really do have enough help. I don't think a person can do it alone, even a person with sufficient skills. I found myself suddenly faced with the prospect of caring for my dad alone and I had five days (while he was in respite care) to figure out how to get some help. Unfortunately, it was five days in between the Christmas 4-day weekend and the New Year's Eve 4-day weekend, and I just couldn't take care of himself myself because he was incontinent and could not transfer himself. I couldn't get any help and felt rather desperate. Just make sure that you really have some help and don't try to take it all on yourself. I agree with Kay, I wouldn't tell your mother anything about your sister that would upset her; it's the last thing she needs. I think you should focus on taking care of your mom and also yourself. If you're not sure if your'e doing the right thing, think about how you would feel afterward if each choice went this way or that. You have to live with yourself after whatever you do (and so does your sister and everyone else). If you make a decision that feels right inside, you will know you did the right thing and be able to live with yourself, no matter what happens. Keep us posted, ok?

I can't take Ambien; it makes me wake up in the middle of the night stuck in a hallucination or psychotic thing, so it's not worth the risk-an unusual but bizarre side effect. For me, Valium is great, but it you take it for too long it loses its power. But how long is too long?

I managed to get my dad's taxes done, but not my own. I just sent the IRS a check that I thought should cover it and figure I'll get it done soon. I hope I don't just forget it...maybe I need a list, huh? I am starting to see the light at the end of the (school) tunnel. I finished the first and biggest of my last two psychoeducational eval reports for the rest of the year- and the other should be straightforward and easy, tomorrow is the last orchestra concert for the year-and we're off for the summer, and Saturday is the last day of ceramics class for the semester. Then there are four more weeks of the school counselor work with the gargantuan drive to the reservation (2-1/2 hours each way. I feel some of the weight coming off my back. Summer is almost here... Oh, and I got an appointment to get my eyes looked at and have procured vision coverage on my insurance. I can't wear over-the-counter reading classes because my eyes are totally different one from the other. So, maybe I'll be able to read a book again-wouldn't that be something?

Okay, so maybe we should stop beating that particular horse for now and move on... I have been sleeping only courtesy of valium since the middle of December when my dad started really going downhill. A small dose, but how long can you do that and have it still work? Every now and then I test to see if I can sleep without it, and every time I don't go to sleep and then go ahead and take it. So last night I tried it again and actually slept for the first time with no Valium. Only two problems-Lena the cat thought I'd probably had enough sleep by 5:00 am. Not true, and she got the cold shoulder instead of treats for waking me up at the right time. The other problem is that I woke up with my left hand numb from clenching my hands into fists...I have a hand injury and was using these gloves to sleep in-they keep your thumb extended so you can't sleep with your fists clenched. I had stopped wearing them because this seemed better, but maybe it was only because I was more relaxed sleeping due to the valium. I think I'm going to try to sleep without the valium, so maybe I need the gloves...?

I thought that was an interesting quote, kind of like the song lyrics, "you don't know what you got tip it's gone". I certainly had that experience with my dad. I loved him, cad totally committed to do everything for him, and knew I would really miss him but I had no idea what had grown in our relationship until he was gone-and hence what I would lose. Sometimes I think, well maybe I should be hanging out more on the "Lost parent" section than the "Lost partner/spouse" section, but then I think, well grief is grief, and there is a lot more activity over here and regardless of all that I can relate to a lot of what I read over here. I feel like youall are my new friends and you are over here more. But this is my latest thought about my dad's and my relationship...as my dad's Parkinson's deteriorated his condition and abilities, he needed me more and more. Sure, we both helped each other, but I don't think anyone would have thought he would be ok without me. Sure, I lived a minute and a half away-not in his house, and we each had some independence. I work and he did little things on his own like go to the grocery store, barber, drug store (within a mile of his house). But at most places, if he had ever shown up alone, anyone would have been stunned. They expected me to be there with me. We were a pair, and became more so as things went on. I think a lot of people saw us as a duo. Almost without exception when someone saw me alone, they'd say, "HI! How's your dad?" We were for the other the first person we would turn to for anything, the first person to report to, tell something to, take along to go somewhere, and all of that. It's really hard to lose all that...

I read the link that Marty posted and it made a lot of sense in thinking about my dad's end and also that of my aunt...

You are right, and the truth is that I probably made those ten years not just better but even possible for him. My sisters and I all believe that he would have shortly followed my mother when she died 11 years ago, when she was suddenly so sick (for 5 months) and then died, no one could see him going on without her. That happens so often with isolated men who suddenly lose their life partner. And he was so passive...all he was doing was going to the American Legion club to drink and going home to drink and fall and drink and fall. I was really trying to throw him a lifeline with the daily long phone calls and then coaxing him out to AZ. He had no desire to live with her gone and was puzzled at the idea that he even was alive. It was a blessing for both of us, and felt all along like borrowed if not stolen time. Ten years is a big chunk of anyone's life...it was a really big deal. But it's funny-it was so different from what I had in my life before, and I have no idea what will now follow...well it's hard to know what that means or will mean in the whole span of my life. I guess that's why I feel lost sometimes is that I don't know how this ten years fits with the past and will fit with the future. I have little perspective. I only know that I jumped into it with all of my heart and what I thought was right, and never regretted a moment of it. Anyway, thanks Mitch!

I am so sorry, Rylee, that you are going through this, and having a sister who is taking it out on you makes everything harder (I have two sisters who have been doing this, but since they live across the country, it is easier to deal with). I watched my dad go downhill and it was very difficult. I guess in a way it was better that his final end went a lot faster than what you are describing, so that was good. He had some of the same experiences you are describing near the end...he thought he was going on a journey, and he told me his father was in the room, and that sort of thing. I think he had one foot in this world and one in the next. My aunt died not long later and she was in that same situation you describe where she wasn't being given fluids and some of us (her kids & nieces) were alarmed. I thought that was terrible-that she would die faster if she had no fluids, but the hospice nurse gave me a good explanation of how the dying body has different needs in the way of food and fluids than a well and healthy one and. The information she gave me was very helpful in understanding what was going on. Is it possible that your hospice nurse could give you more of an explanation? I found that the hospice nurses were exceptionally patient and generous with information and support. They were also unbelievingly available. We all really feel for you, and you aren't alone. We are here for you and you should never think twice about reaching out to us. Remember to take care of yourself and be careful as you move about and do things...it is so easy to be distracted because you have so much on your mind. It sounds like you are doing everything possible for your mom...

I had a super vivid dream about my dad last night. I was standing on a street corner with him near his house-where I am now staying. Some man came up to us and was trying to serve one of us with some kind of legal papers. It was addressed to my dad but he was looking (deferring?) to me, while I was trying to figure out what it was. The guy was looking from one of us to the other, saying one of us had to sign for it before we could look at it. I said, "Well I guess that has to be me, since he's dead and I'm the executor", but then my dad turned and started to walk away. He looked much younger and stronger than he did when he died. At the time he died (I now realize) he had lost too much cognitive ability to figure out complicated legal or financial things and would defer to me. But this dad walking away from me looked like a guy who could figure out things-and this was his affairs after all-not mine. I don't know what all he did when he was alive-I wasn't always there, and I sometimes feel like I'm on a detective hunt to figure out what he was really doing-and why. Meanwhile, the guy was trying really hard to get me to sign this thing while I was chasing after my dad to help me. My dad finally stopped about 25 feet away from me, turned around to face me and said, "Don't worry-I'll help you figure it out, whatever it is. But go ahead and sign for it so the man can go about his business." And then I woke up, rather frustrated because I really had the thought that now that I had caught up with him I could get him to explain a few things to me. But no...whatever help I get from him now is not going to come from a Q & A session with my dad whereby he finally explains himself...

I started this with the question, "Is this a fluke?" and the answer seems to be clear that it is not a fluke. I really do seem to have come around a corner to feeling better. It's still up and down, but now the downs are not as low and the ups are not just up to zero-but go sometimes into the positive range. As you can see from my screen name change, I no longer feel lost and alone, and I credit youall on the forum for a lot of that. I am on a path and not lost at all. I feel more like myself. Today I had most of my kids in counseling doing art therapy, doing the "wet into wet" technique, and found myself waving my arms and fingers around to demo how the colors would mix together to dance and play if you just gave them enough water to move around. We were working on how watercolor is a flow between having control and letting the water flow where you have very little control. This can be nerve-wracking.One little girl was so distraught about watching the water make her paint flow all over that she started sobbing and crawled under the table. I started to panic just a little and think-uh-oh--am I a terrible counselor or what! But when she saw how beautiful it looked when it dried, she was all smiles again. I felt like myself...

I first discovered them two years ago, the summer I barely left my porch and flower-painting there. I was crushed to see them die away in the fall, and then ecstatic to see them return in the spring. This year they are even stronger...I hope I can find time to paint them! But, I've gotten a lot better at painting flowers, and am pretty fast...seems promising

I am so sorry to hear about Bentley. Goldens are the most amazing dogs, and he looks particularly sweet. Losing a beloved pet is such a blow...

Thank you so much for assisting me in changing my display name. And even more so I thank you and all of the folks on the forum for helping me. When I first arrived here, I felt absolutely alone and lost (and it was only two weeks ago)! Now I feel more like I have a map and am on a path, even if I did not choose this particular section of the path I am on. I also feel much less alone, even though I am still living alone with Lena my cat. One of my most difficult times has been heading home from the school on the reservation because this drive has always been such a push from so far away to care for my dad and to try to make some dinner that he would eat. Now I look forward to see what is new on the forum...and today I was eager to get to my own house to photograph my beloved Clematis plants that are just starting to flower before it was too dark. With this urge, when I actually went into my own home came the thought that it might be a good thing to eventually be back there and not hiding out at my dad's. This was really the first time I didn't feel totally despondent upon entering my own house since my dad's death. Perhaps there is hope after all..here they are... .

I would like Clematis, if that is ok, to remind me that I am more than my grief, of where and who I am, and so that I can stop forgetting the name of this flower that I love...

I am so glad I listened to my dad-and the radio-and everyone who urged me to listen to the warnings, advice, and inner voice telling me to not come out here to the reservation in all that wind on Monday. Apparently there were a lot of accidents on I-40, which I must travel with a lot of big trucks, and out at the school-they told me that the wind was so strong it sounded like the roof was about to be ripped off! Dang!

Mitch, I love your quote! And it really speaks to me. I certainly got off to a rough start in life with both of my parents. There was not much I could do about things with my mother, who was intensely shame-based and narcissistic. But when I saw an opening with my dad, I went for the brass ring -- to have a relationship with him in his last years-ten of them-that anyone would envy as a relationship with an aging parent. We did it and it was great...except for the part that he's gone now. I guess part of what I am facing now is that for him those ten years was his finish, but for me it is...I don't know what. A time for healing from the painful past and being able to let go of it so that I can transition into whatever is next in my life? I have long had this analogy that life is like hiking out of the Grand Canyon, which I did a lot when I was younger-mostly alone. During some parts it is easy and spectacularly beautiful, during some parts you can see where you have been as well as where you are headed, and in some parts you are just hiking uphill and you can't see anything but the trail under your feet and it goes on & on and you just have to keep trudging uphill with no idea when you will come around a corner and have some perspective again. I am in one of those stretches now...