Widowedbysuicide

You are in my thoughts Ana.  I know I am unable to be there to help you physically but I want to offer my support in some way.

❤️I'm sorry for your loss Frank.  I have been without my husband for.nearly 3 years and I can understand your pain.

Like Kay said Katie.❤️

Sorry there are so many pot holes on this journey Marg.  All anyone can do is try their best to live each day.  Some of your best is showing your beautiful Granddaughter how to make the best of things and to appreciate the good things.

I too hope the test results are wrong. May the new tests be clear and may you feel better.  

I'm sure this is very distressing for you.  I wish I could be there to try to assist you.  ❤️

I find it is hard to be greatful for all I have when my life feels so wrong because of who I lost.

Hopeful wishes going out to all of us here.  

Hello Elleroo

I'm glad you found your way here.  We are a compassionate group of people that can understand your pain and loss.  I too am very sorry you are experiencing the hurtful comments.  🙏.  Take care of yourself even if it means telling others to take a time out.  This is your grief and no one else has the right to judge you or tell you what they think you should be doing.

Thinking of you Gwen.  I hope you are on the road to better health.  Sorry that everything is so hard. 🙏

Hello Katie.

You are expressing many of the same thoughts as I did after my Gord died.  I think life would be so much easier if we had instruction manuals.  But then many of the joys would be removed and we would be like robots. 

When we lose someone to suicide we are so unprepared.  Finding Allen and having that image so horribly fresh in your eyes and heart is one part of the journey that needs to be addressed by a good therapist.  The guided imagery is very powerful and I found it very helpful.  

Allen has not been gone long but I know how the concept of time is crazy mixed up.  It can seem like he has been gone forever or just minutes ago.  I'm sorry that it has to be so hard.  ❤️🙏

Hi Katie.  I want to respond to your post and I want you to know I only want to offer you support.  There are no criticisms. ❤️

I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him.

--Katie you did the best you could, that is not wrong or not enough.  If you tried harder and you made yourself and him angry that would be torture too.  

I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts.

--I know this kind of torture very well - it doesn't help us to heal though, it makes dealing with grief so much more difficult.  

We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me.  

--That is so true about not stopping to smell the flowers… sometimes we have to smell the fertilizer as well.  Life is about finding a balance. I'm not there yet but I am working on it.

Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry?  

--I remember a saying about worry, “worry is like a ride on a wooden horse”.  I don't know who said it. To me it means that worry gets you nowhere and it isn't very satisfying.

It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that.  

--Worry is something I learned from my mother, too bad I didn't see the repercussions of it. She drove me crazy with stuff that wasn't for a child to know.  It messed me up with healthy boundaries and taught me early on that I couldn't say no to her.

--As to what to do about it - start small, give yourself a time limit.  If you decide 10 minutes then you have to stop at 10 minutes and tell yourself you are done worrying about that one thing.  It takes lots of practice and time.

I just feel lost and alone.

--I understand lost and alone.  It sucks. You are the only one who can change it though.  

But seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me.

--Therapy has helped me many times over the years.  I don't always get the results I want but I get the  lessons I need.

But I think will it actually help?

--It will help if you want it to and if you invest yourself in looking after your needs.  None of this is selfish. It is working to be the person you want to be.

I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.

--The guilt, worry, and self depreciation is a huge wheel.  The more you do it the more you will keep doing it. You deserve to get off the wheel.  Life is tough enough without constantly setting yourself up to feel bad. Give yourself a hug from me and know that everyone has struggles.  You will be ok if you make sure to eat, sleep, exercise, and are telling yourself you can do it. Give therapy a good try. Keep reaching out.  I'm sorry that all this sucks so much and hurts more than most people can believe, until they experience it. ❤️🙏
 

Katie that is a lovely tribute to your darling Riley Grace. ❤️

I hope you will get your blood pressure stabilized soon.  With all of the issues going on in your body from the medications and delivering your girl everything is out of whack.  I'm sure your emotions are affected by it all too.  Rest and recuperate 🙏.

I can understand you wanting Allen to help you through this terrible time.  I'm sorry that he can't really be here to hold you and offer comfort and love but I believe he is there with you in spirit.  If you want to believe he is with you it might bring you some relief.  I haven't had as much tragedy as you have in the last five weeks.  When I do have to go through the really tough times I find that it helps me to think of my husband being at my side.  I think of the things he would say and how he would be able to reassure me that things would be ok.  If I focus on his words and how I would feel it does make me feel less detached.  It is ok to feel angry that Allen isn't with you at the same time as you are loving him and wishing desperately that he could be here.  Our emotions are very strong at the really hard times.  I know much of everything is happening at once and I wish it wasn't so.  You have an incredible strength and are such a great Mom.  You can do this.  It isn't easy or very pleasant but right now all you have to do it keep breathing.  If you want or need to cry don't apologize for it.  You have been through hell and back so many times in the past couple of years: put yourself first for a little while and just take things moment by moment.

❤️🙏

Riley Grace will have her big sisters and brother to welcome her to heaven.  ❤️

She is so beautiful.  You are an amazing young woman Katie.  I am so very sorry that Riley Grace came too soon but it is heart warming to know she is with family.  🙏❤️

❤️

It  has to get better Gwen.  I tend to be impatient though so it never happens fast enough.

Be kind to you!

Hello again Katie 32188,

I just took things one at a time and lived moment by moment at first.  My husband and I were childhood friends so we had a very long history.  I was 23 when we married and we were married for 35+ years.  His death was a shock to me and to our son who was 28 at the time.  It takes time to really process the loss.  Some things are very evident right away and other things become more clear with time.  I wish you weren't suffering this loss.  Age doesn't make this easier or harder.  If you could try a grief therapist and give it a few times of meeting you might find it helps.  Right now it is so harsh that our thinking is all over the place and it's difficult to really know if it will help or not.  Grief is not something you can feel better about for awhile.  It is a process where we just have to keep breathing, sleeping, eating, healing.  Try not to think too far into the future as it will probably make you feel worse.  Just take the time you need to care for yourself.  It is hard, sometimes are harder than others.  We all are different and the relationship between us and our loved ones may be different or similar but the journey of grief takes as much time as it needs for each of us.

You are a good person who has suffered a huge loss and if you treat yourself well you will be in good shape to deal with all the hard stuff.

Dear Katie 32188

I'm so sorry for your loss.  This is a great place to come and share.  Everyone on here has dealt with the loss of their partner and understands your sorrow.  Please try to find a therapist you can talk to as well.  It is through talking and listening that we learn how to cope at this unimaginably horrible time.  

My loss was nearly 3 years ago but I know how devastating the early days can be.  You may have been able to postpone his death but if he didn't want to get off the drugs it would happen at some other time.  You did what you could to try to help him and you loved him, that is the best anyone could do.  It's important to care for yourself right now.  He wouldn't want you to lose your life because he is gone.  You wouldn't have been together if he felt otherwise.  Moment by moment.  Please seek help from a professional and continue to post here.

Marita

Katie I am so glad your friend is there for you.  She won't replace Allen, no one can do that.  She is there for you in all the ways that matter.  How wonderful to have such a great friend.

Katie it doesn't sound like you are getting much rest. 

I know that my words are easily spoken but please know my heart is in every one of them.  You must be emotionally exhausted with everything that has happened and when you think about the future. 

Somehow you have to find a way to recharge yourself.  Have you tried any meditation?  Maybe it could help you escape reality for a little while so your heart and head can have a little rest.  I went to a short course on relaxation and meditation a few years ago.  When I can recognize that my life is getting to be too much I remember the breathing and guided relaxation exercises.

One exercise involved placing yourself (in your mind) in a store where you could get everything you need.  I started by picturing myself walking through the door and just looking around to see what was there.  It took some time but eventually I would picture a walk to the store, what things on the walk smelled like, how the sun felt and the breeze from the ocean.  The more I used my imagination the more I relaxed.  Now when I do this exercise I often don't even make it into the store.

I think you could probably find someone at the hospital that could help you find a source for these exercises.  I went to a mental health center.  New things can be easy to dismiss because you don't know if it would be worthwhile.  You are worthwhile and you deserve to be able to try to help yourself.  ❤️

I am praying for your darling girl to slow down and wait for her special day.   Much love to you all Katie

Sorry you have so much to be concerned about.  It is such a difficult time as it is.  Your best friend, hugs to her for caring for the boys.  You just need to care for you and baby.  Prayers to you being able to get some relief from so much grief and stress and of course prayers to your little doll.  ❤️.  Thinking about you and your family Katie.  Sending my love and prayers 🙏.

Hello Shirley, 

The smile and the good feeling is what I hope and strive for.  I'm glad you found them today and hope you will find them often.  Hugs to you after a difficult day.  ❤️

I feel bad for you Gwen.  I'm physically ok and am so thankful for it.  I hope you can get some help finding good help.

It is bad here on Vancouver Island too. 

We are at the top of the scale for poor air quality 10+ . My bathroom is being renovated so between the smoke and drywall dust I'm not feeling too perky.  I feel sorry for anyone with breathing problems because this is not good.  My eyes are giving me trouble because of it too.

So here I sit hoping for some rain to quench the fires and wash the smoke out of the air.  Take people.

I'm sorry for your losses.  It must be difficult to say goodbye to such an important family member so soon after Mark's passing.  

We are all thinking of you at this sad time and on Friday we will be there in spirit.  Sending 🙏 prayers for peace.

Could it be on a nice sandy beach with Pina Coladas?  I would start saving for that trip.  Even without the drinks.