Widowedbysuicide

🙏

Katie I am so very, very sorry.  I wish I could help you and your family.  I know that having Allen back would be the one thing that would fix things and I'm more than sorry that I can't bring him back for all of you.

My husband's suicide was a complete shock to me as he was due to retire later that month.  I understand the 'why' questions but sadly I have no answers.  My heart is breaking for you and the children.  You have been through so much.  I can offer you my heartfelt condolences and an ear anytime you need one.  You can message me on here and I can give you my email if you want.

I'm so glad you have family and friends that can help hold you up.  🙏

Marita

I'm so sorry to read your story.  I'm glad you found this forum as there are people here who can understand what you are dealing with and will offer you emotional support.

My loss is different from yours but this journey of grief is an uphill battle for us all.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  Bless you.

Not off topic at all.  This video shows an awesome bond between the rider and horse.  Beautiful animal any great rider.  Thanks for sharing with us Tom.

I love horses and I'm willing to risk some injuries.  There are some things I don't do anymore because the risk is too high.  I have had some wild rides and wild accidents and as I get older/wiser I am much less inclined to pretend I'm 13.

The average horse weighs 900 - 1200 lbs.  It has a smallish brain that always is wary of being attacked.  Horse will do the craziest things when they get that flight response.  Having said that I would not discourage you from taking lessons from a reputable and insured trainer/coach.

Always wear a helmet that fits.  Footwear is very important too, you need some heel.  Buy a new helmet because you don't want to take chances with a invisibly damaged brain bucket, (trainer should tell you these things too).  Walk before you run (trot or canter).  Learn how to groom a horse and spend time with it on the ground before you ride.  That will give you some confidence and a chance to get used to its movements and behaviour.

Relax ... breathe and then have some fun.

Riding is something that can always be done better.  It is difficult while being rewarding and freeing.  The more you know the more you will want to know.  It is dangerous so you want to make sure to get as much safety information as you can.  All horses are different, like people, some of them are very cuddly and others are not cuddlers. 

If it is a mare - adult female, and is chestnut or sorrel coloured, people will tell you that she will be trouble.  I loved my sorrel mare.  She was curious, bold, loving, and she always tried to understand what I wanted.  She is the front horse in the picture. Castrated  male horses are called geldings.  They are more likely to be the same each time as they don't have the hormone issues.  Some mares are terrible when they are in season.  The gelding in the picture I posted is a bay.  He has a brown body with black legs, the long hair of the tail, mane, and forlock are also black.  There are variations in colour but the pattern is the same.  He was a gentleman most of the time.  He was finicky with his feet.

I hope you will have an opportunity to spend some time with a well mannered horse.  Where you go from there .... Please let me know.

Marita

Hello Leah.  ❤️

Congratulations to you both.  Thanks for sharing your joy of a beautiful new baby ❤️

Hi Nick.

You sound as though you need an ear and a shoulder.  I feel that way too.  I understand the why questions, unfortunately I also understand that there are no real answers.  Please don't be offended, but I am sorry for the loss you are feeling.  The feeling of being widowed is debilitating.  After 2.5 yrs I still don't know how to manage without my husband.

I have so many impossible wishes of turning back time to before.  The other big wish is for that safe friend who just lets me say what I need to and lets me know that they are there for me.  I hope you have someone you can confide in.

Marita

It is wonderful to read about the happiness you two are enjoying.  Thanks for sharing your story.  Like Marg I don't often read other threads on the forum.  I sure am glad I did though. ❤️

I'm hoping that you are getting some relief Gwen.

Too much of being a widow is so hard.  I am in good physical health and soon to be 61 but in thinking about my future health I feel very uneasy.

Take care in this heat everyone.  Too hot for me at 28°C today and only cooling to 15 at night.  

Hot here on Vancouver Island too!

Hello @KarenK,

I'm glad to read that your Tatum is better today.  Slow and steady is good.  Hugs to you both 💓

47 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

   

My last real outlet of volunteering has become a hassle because of a woman who dislikes me so much and I don’t know why, has the power to make what once was a pleasure and turn it into a tense experience with rules and restrictions directed at me.   Not worth getting into the details off that beyond it makes it hard to go and do what I have for 24 years and left with a positive feeling inside.  

I can totally relate to this.  It's not you that is the problem but she has hurt you deeply and you don't need that.

I know purpose has to come from within and won’t come to me sitting here.  I think of things I want to do but I am so limited physically it gets discouraging.  I don’t have any hobbies as my family with Steve was that, my life.  You can’t create interest in things you don’t feel.  I used to draw, evvident by pictures framed around the house.  Can’t force that.  Only my dogs depend on me for care.  If something were to happen to me, it would be days anyone noticed.  Sometimes I have felt so desperate I’ve considered calling the Crisis Clinic and that feels so awful showing me how alone I am.  My counselors are great, but they are not my friends.  Ethical divide there.  

Calling the Crisis line was one of the best things I did.  They listened and offered appropriate resources when there was no one else I could call.  Don't ever feel bad when you are looking after yourself.

....I’m just extremely sensitive right now and ...

(Excuse my formatting here 🤔)

Since my husband died I think people worry that his death is contagious. 

If their current behaviour is the best they can do then I am well rid of them. 

I have been extremely sensitive since his passing and I can't seem to shake the hurt caused by so called friends.  Your description of evaporation is so true.

47 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 

i do envy you having friends you can talk to.   I miss that as mine local ones  have have evaporated for many reasons.  The ones I know would still 'be there' for me have ironically died.  

 

I hope life I improves for all of us on here.  Sorry that life is so unrewarding right now.

MartyT, thank you. 

My heart has had too many tears in the past 2 1/2 years.  Life just doesn't look like I had hoped it would.  Riding was part of my therapy and I miss it and my horses terribly.

Hello CarrieM,

I'm sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to come in search of understanding or just wanting to belong.  Your loss is so recent and you must be still shocked to lose the love of your life.

There are so many things I could say you.  The only help I can offer is to be here to listen to what you share.  Hugs to you.

Marita

I empathize with your heart break Cookie.  Your girl is beautiful.  Thanks for sharing her story and her photo.

I have lost way too many fur family members over the years.  Most recently were two of my horses that had to be euthanized.  The dark one, Dakota, in Sept '16 and the other, Kachina de Chelly, in Sept '17.

Sending healing prayers your way.

🙏 George I have been hearing your message:

'Yes, I have come to the same realization.  I don't know what the future holds but I do know that since I am still alive I am supposed to live my life to the fullest.  Sometimes, that is just getting up in the morning. Sometimes the FEELINGS seems so real yet for me they are but an illusion that is guiding me to TRUTH. (FEELINGS are not always the FACTS). I realize that there is so much in life that is NOT in my control yet there are some that I still have choices.'

Recently, new people in my life have as asked why I isolate myself and why I don't seem to have any real fun.  My answer is, "it's a long sad story, but I am trying to change it and learn to live again".

'Find something, anything that will get you to look FORWARD to something.   It is not easy.'

I know my husband wouldn't want me to be living in misery, and while there is guilt in planning to live without him, I want to change the focus of my story.  I will forever love him and miss him but I want to be able to share a story of a fulfilling life after the death of my husband and our old dreams.

Now I have to find that 'thing' that I will look forward to.  📷

Many thanks to MartyT and this forum, for without the understanding people here I know my journey would be much more difficult.

❤️

You are very beautiful Janka.  And I think Brad is quite handsome as well.  The two of you look great together 🥂

Thanks for sharing your holiday and your family 😉

I'm sorry about how hard this is for you and I can understand.  My husband was my childhood friend before he was my husband.  We had 35.5 years married with 15+ years as friends.  It seems such a short time compared to the 30 months he's been gone.

Each day without our partners is like a lifetime 💓 hugs to you.

Thank you for saying this @kayc.

Hello @Jillian

Firstly, I want to say I'm sorry for your loss.  I hope you will find support and encouragement here.  Sometimes our feelings and behaviours seem off the wall and it's great to come here and find out that how we are feeling and/or acting is normal for a person who is grieving.

I have some understanding of how the system works as two of the widows in my walking group were very forthcoming with information about the death of each of their respective husband's.  I did not know these ladies prior to the walking group but I felt very close to both of them because like them I also was not prepared for my husband to die. My husband did not appear ill because his illness was depression that was not recognised by me or his family.  He was very good at hiding how ill he was.  

I'm glad that you have family that understands and hopefully they are not only supportive but they are able to help lift your heart.  Come here often.  Someone is usually here any time of day or night.  Look after yourself 💓 hugs to you.

I miss Butch almost daily.  When you have been as close to suicide it truly changes you.  

I'm frustrated that the stigma and other misinformation about suicide are so rejected.  It is going to take a very long time trying to educate people.  We know how un-helpful comments hurt us.  Fortunately many  people here haven't had to deal with the un- helpful ones after a suicide.  

My husband was not selfish.  My husband was not a coward.  My husband was not a bad person.  My husband was a kind man with a huge and brave heart who would do anything for his family.  His action to end his life was a total surprise.  His illness (whatever demons were in his head) took over him just as cancer eats away at others.  The ignorance surrounding mental health prevents so many people for looking for help.  Add to that a waiting time of over a year to be seen by a psychiatrist.  Sorry for the rant, bad day. 🙏 For healing for everyone.

I'm so very sorry this happened to you.  As if your life hasn't had more than enough trauma and loss. 

I hope that you will hold your head high and do whatever it takes to help yourself feel better.  

Hugs to you Mary Beth.