Annie0707

I felt bad at first, guilty for needing meds but I didn't feel strong enough to wake up never mind anything else. If I am to be able to help others I must help myself first.. And that is what I am going to do x

Thank you Cheryl x

I just want to say Thankyou, what a rollercoaster this journey is. I am feeling okay. I withdrew from my friends and made my circle small, I went to my doctor when I felt I couldn't go on and needed help, I cried and cried and Cried a little more. It felt like a relief. I was given an opportunity for grief counselling but when I got the letter I decided it was not for me, not for now anyway. I am very into self help and herbal remedies but I really needed something, my pain was unbearable and my heart was battered and bruised after I lost my brother. The doctor agreed thatmy heart racing was not just a feeling but literally it was palpitating and juddery, I had an ecg, given prescription for propanenol and mirtazapine. They have helped me more than I can say, I found the strength to begin to eat, tablets helped me sleep and I was able to return to work. For or now I am feeling ok, and I'm stirring and beginning to feel again.. I don't know, the word feels wrong but .. Happy. I think I am blabbering on again sorry for that, when it comes to write words, it comes out a little scattered but I am grateful for this feeling in this now moment love and peace to you all we are all in this together hugs to those who need one hugs to those who don't.. that hug will help me too Taking another step... then another

Hi Clematis, I have read your initial post here but not read all of the comments. I too once had a neighbour who was very irritating, I'll spare the details as I do not wish to attract any of the situation again as I believe thoughts create things, anyway I kindly asked her not to come to my home but it continued, I calmly sat one evening and sent her love... Yes love, and planted the seed of her moving within huge year with a thought, I imagined it being the best thing for her, and sealed my thought with pink light, approx a month later she came and told us she decided to move. And within the year she was gone. plant seeds of love no matter how hard it may seem. Focus your thoughts on what you wish to attract for our perspective is what becomes our reality. hugs

@ElizabethH77 Thank you for your message. Sorry I'm not on here much but I get email notifications, if you would like to email me, you can find me at annie_84@hotmail.co.uk I am trying to be ok. It seems that we lost our siblings at the same time, much love to you. Some days I'm well, others not so well, but work seems to be helping somewhat. Take care of you my lovely and please email me if you would like to chat, as I do check that quite often I think it may be nice to share our new journey... However it now unfolds Annie

I am grieving and I am finding it difficult to engage especially sexually with my husband. But I love and care for him more than he knows especially the support he has shown since this new journey began, I know that your pain will be immense too and his is probably crazy out of this world kind of pain, but I would never disrespect my husband. It is easy to get lost in grief, and we have memory blocks, s*** some days I can't even think I just sit, some days I can't sit still, but you need to look after you, if the relationship is meant to be it will get stronger from this, but if you need a rebirth in life and if he does then sadly we must let go. The love you feel will remain but I'm sure you feel lost and angry and no one wants to be a toy to be picked up and played with when someone gets bored. It sounds like he really loved you and wanted to build his dreams with you, but after a death our whole worlds get flipped upside down and nothing makes sense anymore, I can't answer your question, but I hope you both find peace in your decisions, look after you my lovely

Me too he had the most beautiful ginger hair!

It's been a month now and time just flies,Wondering if the universe hears my cries, My heart is hurting but I can feel your love, Embracing me from within and above. I never knew I could feel pain so deep, I still can't eat, can barely sleep. The nights, so still, the skies are bleak....Little brother I am feeling weak! But I feel your touch and it warms my soul... Your physical death has took its toll I am trying so hard, but sadly life goes on, I'm sorry I can't join you in the run, I wish I could pause the world or go back in time, Ill miss you forever, I'll look out for your signs Our journeys will go on entwined, I'll never let you go! Love you forever and always my little big bro! ~Annie

Hugs Callie.Rose.

Thank you marita, this is my nest for now, today I have to socialise- my daughter is at the dentist... Turning on protective going out the house bubble... hugs Annie

My children are 5 and 7, they are beautiful and clever. I sat them down when he died and told them they might see mammy ok some days and crying the next but it's only because my brother has died, they have been so lovely and said when I laugh and smile at them they forget I ever cried, when I cry they kiss me on the head and say it's ok to cry mama, and it fills me with love in the place that is torn in my heart they both and my husband seem to kiss my wounds, it's true that I'm hurting I feel it's so real but I feel him too so I know he is still around me, I know he was my brother, my friend and also teacher, I will grow from this, love to you also on this path we cross and meet

You sound just like my husband, Such a strong caring person I want to thank you on behalf of 'Bonnie' for being such a rock for her at this incredibly difficult time. You sound like an Earth angel and it is rare to come across such wonderful people with hearts as large as the ocean, cradling her with your love while she rides the crashes of the waves and sits within the eye of the storm, take care and remember you need some rest too. Again Thankyou for supporting her and I suppose at difficult times such as these there is no such thing as 'time' be gentle with one another. Love to you all

Thanks for the love MartyT, it was hard after his death but two days before his funeral my sister had a breakdown and tried to hang herself, she ended up in a mental hospital and so in between arranging a funeral, I was taking my sister clothes and speaking to her nurses not to mention social services, she has came out the other end and seems very strong now, It's nice to see her doing so well and I think after everything it just cuts deeper every time and I am trying to balance myself out with meditation and solitude, I need to build up my strength to be the mam my children always knew, and I will get stronger, it's just hard as my little brother just died and if I could pause the world for a while that would help the process, I want to let my sadness come when it flows but I don't want the immense pain that I feel in my heart. My trip to the doctor was good today I'm pleased I pushed myself to go

Hugs for you, send love to your dad and focus on your healing. I know I am very angry at a lot of people but not for any reason but I'm hurting so badly it's easier to lash out and close down than be anything else right now, this is a journey for each of us individual as much as together, send yourself love and send dad lots too, this is a scary journey of uncertainty and we must ride the waves of emotion whatever they may be, take care

Yes we haven't got the post mortem results yet but it was heroin. I don't think he intended to go, but with taking so much.. And with being in rehab and being clean, his heart could not take the dosage that he had, thanks for the response it is appreciated

Thanks both of you you are my only source of real help so glad I found this site, I feel so lost

Thankyou for commenting, I am seeing my doctor today, I am just sad and no one understands it's been a month to them but the day replays over and over for me and time is just flying but I am stuck in a warp where time just stopped

This is just one example but When my brother first died last month, an Aunty of ours told the world via Facebook and tagged us all in it. I hate her for that, she never attended the funeral to support my mam and said well I contributed to the funeral. I arranged the funeral with my mam and I'd rather throw the £50 back in her face. I hate Facebook and after the funeral I got so angry and told everyone to Fk off and that I hated everyone. I do. I deleted my account on Facebook and went through my phone deleting everyone, I don't want to see anyone or speak I'm waking in slow motion and feel pinned to the earth, I don't want a relationship with anyone unless they were there for us all before, I hate this nightmare.

That letter was so beautiful it brought me to tears, we always made mam homemade cards and my brother always wrote her letters even though he was 30 last month he died and I see my mama trying to be so strong but I feel her pain deeply, and I feel mine. Thanks for sharing this with us all

On July 7th 2016 I would be getting up to work, I work in a private girls school but really early morning about 5.30am I received a call from my mam. I knew something was wrong. She said in a desperate voice "Annie, don't go to work, don't go to work, meet me at your sisters" I said to my husband oh no , I have 7 other brothers and sisters I knew it was bad but who? I got ready so fast desperate and teary and jumped in the car, my husband said "drive careful I love you." I have never found the speed limits so hard to keep to, I arrived at my sister K,s and she stared at me with wide eyes I grabbed her and hugged her as I then knew it wasn't her, we jumped in the car to my other brothers but turned around as mam was already there and said she was coming now, so I knew it wasn't j. We got to K's and mam came in and she said its F (my younger brother) he's dead, he died I'm sorry my sister dropped to the floor, kicking screaming, we all deeply cried angrily noooo oh no oh no. I said mam our little sister J needs to know so we got in the car flew over, again the news was broke and we all had this urgency he died only an hour before in his flat, he was 30 years old. I drove straight to his flat and the police were there, they let us all in to see him. he had been in rehab, was out on home visit and had only two weeks until his rehab was complete, he was 15stone and looked the healthiest but there he was lay on his living room floor. I lay on his chest and could hear no heartbeat, I kissed his ears, his nose, his cheeks, I grabbed his crown of ginger hair and told him I loved him so much. I knelt beside him and held his hand.... And he squeezed my hand I fib you not, maybe it was a body reaction but he squeezed it as if to acknowledge I was there and tell me he loved me, we did that to each other double squeeze hands, but his hand stayed tight on mine, I had to release it. These last few weeks have been my worst, I helped mam arrange the funeral and drove 700 mile over those couple of weeks, now it has been a month my sister had a mental breakdown and ended up in hospital, she's doing good now but I am struggling, I have never felt pain like this ever ever I want to cry into dust. I spoke at his funeral and put a letter on his chest, it was nice... But the worst thing I've ever had to do, my heart is broken and I feel so lost, I'm stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up. I'm going to see my doctor this evening as I'm still not eating or sleeping and I'm in a bubble, I've withdrawn from everyone and I don't care. Only seeing my husband, my kids and my mam and siblings, I hate that I won't see him in his physical body anymore or get that cuddle, hear his laugh or see his smile, love hurts and I'm not coping very well. Thanks for listening to me