Laurie

Andy, Did you read (or watch) The Notebook? It's such a great story of an incredible love. I read the book and me and Sean watched the movie together. We loved it, it's an amazing story about how true love lasts forever--- no matter what. Laurie

I've had a few dreams about Sean, but nothing unusual, just us talking and laughing.. everyday stuff. But last night was the first dream I had where he was sick. We were home and he wanted to go to bed, and I carried him to the bed (now Sean was a big man, there's no way I ever could have picked him up) but in the dream I did. I put him in our bed, and I got this Bruce Springsteen throw blanket (we both love Springsteen, but we don't have a blanket like this) and I put it over him. In the dream, I think I knew that he was dying. I wonder why I had this dream, I wonder if it means anything. Laurie

Oh KellyMarie, I'm so sorry you had such a bad day. Can you try to make sure you aren't alone for Thanksgiving? Do you have friends or family close by that you can spend it with? at least for a few hours? Love, Laurie

Thank you so much Marty, Kay, and Larrysgirl, It helps to know we're in this together. Yes we made it through Halloween. Love, Laurie

Today I went to my sons Halloween parade at school. As soon as I spotted him I choked up because I remembered last years parade when Sean was with me, and he was taking pictures. I walked home all alone crying. Life is so sad now. I thought I was going to have to take my son trick or treating alone too, (something we always did together) but my older son took him, and a few other boys wound up going in a group. So I'm home answering the door to give out the candy. It's so lonely, I miss Sean so so much. I just need him to hold me, that's all I want. I can't even imagine all the other holidays, Thanksgiving ( my brother and sister in law invited us to Pa.) but I just don't know if I'll be able to drive there. It's over 3 hr. away, and I'm horrible with driving. Christmas is going to be so sad. We got engaged on Christmas eve. After the kids went to bed we exchanged our gifts with eachother. I remember Sean gave me a big box with all these cleaning products in it, toilet brush, dust pan etc... All I could think was, you have got to be kidding. Then at the bottom of the box was a little box with my ring in it. If I only had another chance.. that's all I can think about.

Deborah, I understand what you mean. I wrote earlier about having Halloween without my fiancee. Everything is so different. It's going to be very hard for us, getting through these holidays. Laurie

Today I went to my sons Halloween parade at school. As soon as I spotted him I choked up because I remembered last years parade when Sean was with me, and he was taking pictures. I walked home all alone crying. Life is so sad now. I thought I was going to have to take my son trick or treating alone too, (something we always did together) but my older son took him, and a few other boys wound up going in a group. So I'm home answering the door to give out the candy. It's so lonely, I miss Sean so so much. I just need him to hold me, that's all I want. I can't even imagine all the other holidays, Thanksgiving ( my brother and sister in law invited us to Pa.) but I just don't know if I'll be able to drive there. It's over 3 hr. away, and I'm horrible with driving. Christmas is going to be so sad. We got engaged on Christmas eve. After the kids went to bed we exchanged our gifts with eachother. I remember Sean gave me a big box with all these cleaning products in it, toilet brush, dust pan etc... All I could think was, you have got to be kidding. Then at the bottom of the box was a little box with my ring in it. If I only had another chance.. that's all I can think about.

Jane, I am so so sorry for the loss of your son. It's good that you found us to talk to. It does help a little. We are all in alot of pain here and there are days for all of us when we feel like we just can't do it anymore. Like you said, you have many others who depend on and love and need you. It's been only 3 weeks for me, I lost my fiancee and he was only 43 years old. It hurts so bad, but I know that he'll be waiting for me in Heaven. I'm sure your son wants you to be happy, and be a Grandma to his boys. Talk to your son, tell him how you're feeling, tell him how much you miss him and all the things you love about him. Keep coming here Jane, keep writing. We all help eachother by understanding. Laurie

KellyMarie said: But I think in order to get to a better place you have to suffer through the horrible times. Reading this got me thinking of a little poem or story a friend gave me recently. It's kind of sad, but I think that's the point it's trying to get across... that we have to go through this period of sadness, to struggle through--- to be able to really live again. Well here it is, it you want to read it. One day a man saw a butterfly, shuddering on the sidewalk. locked in a seemingly hopeless struggle to free itself from its now useless cocoon. Feeling pity, he took a pocket knife, carefully cut away the cocoon and set the butterfly free. To his dismay, it lay on the sidewalk convulsed weakly for a while, and died. A biologist later told him, "That was the worst thing you could have done." A butterfly needs that struggle to develop the muscles to fly. "By robbing him of the struggle, you made him too weak to live."

Oh KayC, George sounds so wonderful that it makes me cry. Your love is so strong for eachother. That's really nice how you made a list of all the reasons you love him and all the special things about him. I think I might do that for Sean, imagine how proud they are to know how much we love them. Love, Laurie

Thank you Randa, I'm going to look for that song. Laurie

The trick was, she didn't LIVE that way. I know your Sean didn't live that way, either. Randa Thank you Randa, I never thought about it like that. I'm having a really hard day today. I worked this morning and started out ok, but shortly before coming home I just started losing it again. Cried the whole way home. Then I found a Fed-ex from the life insurance co. in the mail. That just made it worse, seeing everything down on paper like the word "deceased" next to his name, I still just can't believe this is real. I took my sheets off our bed for the first time, they're in the wash now. That seems like a huge thing to me. I kept waiting, but my dogs have been sleeping in bed with me so I really had to. My ex-husband is picking up my boys in a little while and this will be the first time I'll be alone at night. I have been so scared at night. I leave the lights and TV on. I have such a huge fear now that it makes me shake so bad. 4am this morning I could've sworn I heard someone knocking on my front door. I just froze, but I didn't hear it again. I stayed in bed until I had to get up at 5:00. Even walking out to my car that early, I'm terrified-- it's still dark out when I leave. I have never been this way before. I was never afraid to be home alone, or the dark. I really don't understand it. Thanks so much for writing. Laurie

Kay, You said "if we ask God for faith, he will give it to us." I thought about that today when I went to meet with Father Scott. He did Sean's service at the church. I told him that I want so much to believe in Heaven and that I've been asking Sean to help me believe and understand. He said, "Sean's a rookie yet, Ask God to help you have faith." He also talked to me about the guilt and fears that I have. This is pretty amazing---- Last summer I can remember me and Sean were in the pool, and we were talking about God and he was trying to convince me on things. He told me a story about "a doubting Thomas." I remember the meaning was that just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it's not there, meaning God and Heaven. That's the only bible story I have ever heard in my life. At Sean's church service, Father Scott told the story of the doubting Thomas during the mass. Today I told him about how Sean had told me that story to try to get me to believe. He smiled, and he said "That's amazing, but I'm really not surprised." He said that unless he knows the person very well, he doesn't plan in advance which one's he's going to say. He knows that God will tell him the right ones, and that is the one he said he was supposed to say. So I really think it was a message to me that God or Sean knew I needed to hear. A friend gave me a book to read about why we are here. It's supposed to help you understand alot. It has 40 chapters, and they recommend that you read only one chapter each night. I'm excited to get started on it and I'll let you all know if it is helpful to me. Thank you to everyone here, I'm so thankful that we found eachother. Love, Laurie

Jamie, I am so glad to see you writing. I know it hurts, it has to be the most painful thing ever. But you need to keep talking to us. We are all in this together and somehow we will get through and it will be a little easier. I wanted to tell you, you know what you said about not dreaming of Herman. My friend told me that it takes them a little while to get settled (if you will) but that eventually you will have some kind of sign of comfort from Herman. Maybe it won't be a dream, maybe it will just be something you see as your'e driving- that will make you think of him. Maybe it will be something beautiful in nature, like a really pretty bird or a tree with extra bright fall leaves-- something Herman will think might make you happy. I can remember Sean telling me that when you see two butterflies flying together in your yard-- it means that the people who live in that house are so in love. Think about what Herman knew you love, and look for those things. Did you read the poem I posted a few days ago? If not, look at it-- It might make you feel a little better. I called the church today and arranged to meet with the priest there. I have some questions for him and I want to talk to him about the guilt I'm feeling. I'm hopeful that it will make me feel better. Just keep talking Jamie, your boys love you and alot of people care about you. Love, Laurie

Derek, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I have been thinking about this recently too. How there are so many people in our lives that we love, and it's going to be so hard each time-- even harder now, after what we've been thru, and are still going through. It makes it seem like life is just so cruel. I think we just have to think of the joy we have in our lives. Like our kids and the fact that your Grandma lived a long happy life. I'll be thinking about you and your Grandmother. Love, Laurie

Thanks Kay, It wasn't my cell phone, it's the house phone that has his message on it. It's just an answering service thru the phone co. I talked to my son about it. He's 17, and you know kids that age are so electronically smart. He's gonna see what he can do. Thank you, Laurie

Thank you everyone, I'm gonna try to find a way to save his voice. It's amazing how important these little things are to us now. It makes me realize how much I took things for granted before... Love, Laurie

The message on my phone is Sean's voice. I haven't changed it although several people have commented. My oldest son has asked me several times when I'm going to change it, he thinks it's "wierd." Quite a few people have said to me when they call "Wow that really freaked me out." And a few people have said they haven't left messages because they have to hang up before the message comes on. I can understand what they are saying but it's the only place I have his voice. It's an answering service through the phone co. so I can't just save a tape. I had his voice on his cell phone, but his work turned it off so that's gone. I do still have that cell phone though, with pics and text messages. There were 2 messages on there that he had sang himself. two goofy songs and the one you could hear him say "Come on Honey, sing it with me." and you could hear us laughing. It's a shame I don't have that to keep. It just somehow feels to me, besides the fact of never hearing his voice again-- that I'm just getting rid of it, it feels cold to me-- like ok he's gone so let's just get rid of this. Anyway I guess I just wanted to see how you all saw this, and if anyone wondered about the same thing. Laurie

Thank you Lori, St. Al's is where I plan on calling. I'm also going to ask about that bereavment group when I call. Thanks for letting me know about that. I thought about confession too. I don't know for sure if I can though, since I'm not catholic. My friend thinks talking to the priest will really help me understand and feel better. I don't know how I got through this day. I know I'm in for another night of tears though. I hate the nights so much. Thank you Love, Laurie

Thank you all for writing to me. Today is just so awful. I am snapping at everyone, I feel so angry-- like I'm mad at the whole world, my kids, my customers, other drivers. I just want Sean so much, I need him. I didn't tell anyone this until today, but the night Sean was in the hospital, I woke up at about 3:00 for some reason. I got up, went to the bathroom, got a glass of milk and went back to bed. I just think it's strange that that's about the time that Sean died. I talked to a friend about it today and she said it was Sean waking me up to say goodbye to me. Or I wonder if somehow I sensed it, but I didn't feel any bad feelings at the time-- no worry, fear, nothing. I just remember waking up, reaching over for Sean, remembering he was in the hospital, and then I got up. My friend thinks I should go talk to a priest. I'm having a hard time understanding all this. I want so badly to believe that he is in a better place, that I'll be with him again someday. But I never went to church as a kid, or ever. I just wasn't raised with any religion at all. I SAY I believe, and I want to so much... but deep inside I think I really feel that it's just something people convince themselves to believe because it makes them feel better. I don't want to believe that death is the end of everything, but it's really hard for me. I think I will call the church where we had the service and see if I can arrange to meet with that priest. Things can't possibly get any worse, so I guess that means they can only get better... someday. Love, Laurie

Thank you Lori, I'm trying to keep going. I was going to call out sick today because I just can't deal with this news. But I'm gonna go in. I just thought for sure he died in his sleep, he looked peaceful when I saw him and his eyes were closed. I just thought that when he took that pill and I saw him fall asleep, that he just died peacfully in his sleep. I hate so much knowing that maybe he layed there alone, cold and scared on the floor and nobody came. The thought that maybe he knew what was happening, that he had that last time in his life alone, was his life flashing before his eyes? Was he wishing I was there? I can't even stand to think about it. Thank you Chrissy, for knowing how I feel. I didn't know that happened to you-- I am so sorry.

Sean's Mom called me tonight to tell me she had picked up Sean's hospital records. She was reading it to me over the phone and said he was found on the floor. Oh my God, I am so upset. I had it in my mind that he had died in his sleep. My God this is killing me, to know that he was probably scared and in pain. I don't know whether he had gotten up to go to the bathroom, or was trying to get help or what. The doctor said it might have been a blood clot, a heart attack or his pancreas. The nurse just found him there on the floor, dead and all alone. I hate myself.

KayC, I have alot to say, but am in a rush. I feel terrible that you are feeling so alone. It's bad enough that we are going through something so heartbreaking and awful, it makes it so much harder when money and your comfort and security (your home) are at risk. I know, I'm really worried too. I've been making a million phone calls trying get get some type of assistance. I do have a part time job, and it pays too much to qualify for welfare. But I might be able to get food stamps and help with my gas and electric bills and free lunches for my kids. I know it's hard and exhausting making all those calls, but it's worth it if you can feel safe and secure knowing you can pay your bills. Just keep making calls-- tell them you need help. Please try, and let us know how you make out. Love, Laurie

Yea, that same line got me kayC. I only had four years with Sean. I knew who he was in high school, but he was 2 years older and I was with the same boy all thru H.S. anyway. I was friends with his brother, but I never really met him until 4 years ago. Strange how life works. I remember writing Sean a letter once about how we were meant to be.. I remember saying how we both grew up in the same town, went to the same schools, but never knew eachother. We married other people, he moved all over the country... but somehow wound up back in Jackson and met me. After all those years, we said it was fate... Laurie

A friend gave me this poem, I thought you all might like it: To Those I Love For Those Who Love Me.... When I am gone, relaese me, let me go I have so many things to see and do, You musn't tie yourself to me with tears, Be happy that we had so many years. I gave you my love. You can only guess How much you gave to me in happiness I thank you for the love you have shown But now it's time I traveled on alone. So grieve a while for me if grieve you must Then let your grief be comforted by trust It's only for a while that we must part So bless the memories that lie within your heart. I won't be far away, for life goes on So if you need me, call and I will come... Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear All of my love around you soft and clear. And then, when you must come this way alone... I'll greet you with a smile, and welcome you home. Anonymous