Laurie

*Remember your love was above any misunderstanding you both had. Gabby, Thank you so much for saying this. It helps. I know that even though we had so many problems, we were so in love. I have to try to stop thinking about all the fights and hurt... and try to think more about the good times, the fun we had, the closeness we shared. Love, Laurie

Jamie, You need this site and you need to have your privacy to feel free to write exactly what's in your heart. We all need you here too, we have to stick together to make it through this. You can email me at JacksonNJgirl@aol.com. Don't stop talking Jamie.. Love, Laurie

Thank you Benita, I am trying so hard to have faith right now. I know how much that helps. It's so hard for me though, I think because I never thought I needed it before now. I never really put much thought into it. And, like I think Kay said, It's like trying to learn to swim when you're drowning. I want so badly to believe, and I pray to God and Sean to help me. A friend gave me a book called The Purpose Given Life, and I just finished it. I read it so closely, really trying to understand. But it's really hard for me to get it. Yes... We don't appreciate what we have, till it's gone. There's a song like that. I really took Sean for granted too, I feel so awful that I didn't fully appreciate him more. Tonight I looked through his CD collection, there are so many homemade ones. He wrote on some of them, his favorites and funny little comments. There are a few he made for me, titled Laurie's favorites, signed and dated by him. I can't listen to them yet, I don't think I can handle it. Bruce Springsteen's "The Rising" CD has so much meaning to me. It was released the same week we met and so many songs on there are just, Me and Sean. I can't listen to it. I'm going to keep praying every night, for Sean, and for all of us on here and your loved ones and our families. I don't know what else to do. Love, Laurie

Chrissy, I know what you mean. We used to look foward to the weekends, and it's so hard when you have to do it alone. It's hard for me to see other couples together. Seeing my brother and his wife with thier new baby made me so sad. I just miss having that closeness. My sister in law said I seem so withdrawn and lonely. Well I am. I know, it does feel purposless now, nothing means anything to me anymore. It feels like there's nothing to look forward to. I'm sorry Chrissy, I know this isn't helping. But I wanted you to know I understand and we are lucky to have our kids, we have to keep going for them. Let's give them lots of hugs and kisses tonight. Love, Laurie

Thank you Kelly and Chrissy, I know people do this somehow.. but I just don't know how they get through it. My guilt is worse than ever, instead of easing up. I constantly remember things I wish I hadn't said to him, and think about things I wish I would've said and did. My friends say there just wasn't enough time for me to forgive him and get our relationship back to the way it was, but that is no excuse for the way I treated him, the way I continued to punish him for his mistakes. How could I have been so cruel to someone I love so much? I hate myself for it. I wish I had another chance, even just one day. I'm sure all of us here would love that though. I feel like the most selfish person in the world. Laurie

Lori, I wish I could tell you how we are supposed to continue on without Sean and Herman. I know how much it hurts. Just know that I'm here with you, we are going through this together. Did you ever think "What if it was me who died?" What if you were in Heaven, and you were watching Herman here, what would you want for him? I don't think Sean and Herman would want us to give up, because they love us. I think they want us to do the best we can, and be with our boys until our time comes, then we will be together again. Lori, I know it's so so hard. Try to get some rest tonight. I'll be thinking about you. Love, Laurie

I really wonder if I might be losing my mind. Today I cried all the way home from work again. When I got home I went right into the bedroom and looked at all Sean's pictures, I haven't been able to look at them for a few weeks. I curled up in bed and just cried and cried. All I could think is, I want to be with Sean and if I didn't have my boys, I would die. I know that sounds awful, but when I get to thinking like that all I can think is, Well if there's a Heaven, then we'll be together, and if there's not, well then at least my pain will be over. It's amazing how the world keeps going on around us, but for me everything ended that day. I finally dragged myself up and started dinner, only to realize I had cooked for five people. There are only four of us now. I was so upset I tried to think of someone to call to talk to about it, but I realized the only person who I wanted to comfort me is Sean. My heart is absolutley broken, it hurts so bad and I can't even swallow past this lump in my throat. How could I have been cooking for five? I mean I actually made sure I made 10 rolls, thinking 2 for each of us. This morning when I signed onto my computer, I really thought I might see a letter from Sean. I checked my mail, looking for his email address. He always wrote me alot from work early in the morning, and there would be a letter waiting for me when I woke up. This morning I actually convinced myself that there might be one there. Am I going crazy? I just can't believe how painful this is. How does anyone ever get through it? Laurie

Kay, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I know, we should be able to just concentrate on our grief. You have helped me with your words so many times here, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I'm sure you feel you just need George with you to make everything OK again. I'm going to say a prayer for you that things start turning around and that you get a good job. We have enough pain and worry in our hearts, you shouldn't have to be struggling with these things too. I'll be thinking about you today. Take care of yourself, Love, Laurie

Hi Jane, I'm having a really hard time tonight too. For over a week now, it almost seems to get harder, rather than easier as I miss him more and more every day. I'd say it's normal to want to curl up and hide. I feel the same way most of the time. Somedays I seem to do ok as well. When I'm at work with my friends, but on my breaks I usually cry in my car. I really let it all out on my drive home. There are so many songs that remind me of Sean. He loved music and was always singing. He even quietly sang me to sleep sometimes. Although he never got the lyrics right! I hear so many songs that I feel, or I can almost convince myself are a message from him. I do sometimes feel the anger towards him for leaving me too. Lately I keep thinking how he would be coping if it were me who had died instead. I think he'd be feeling guilty, as I do, but for different reasons. I think he'd hate remembering how he hurt me, but I hate remembering how I never stopped punishing him for hurting me. I really hate myself for doing that to him. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. Anyway, Yes hug your dog! I do, and I take her into my bed now too. And I hug my kids alot more now too, and tell them I love them all the time. I think we just have to believe that our Sweethearts are in Heaven, and they love us and they WILL be waiting for us. For now, we just don't know why we were the one's who were left behind. Hang in there Jane. Love, Laurie

Today I went to work, my second job cleaning houses. I have become pretty close with this one older couple I clean for. They have been so sweet to me since Sean passed away. Today they told me that their oldest son (53 yr. old) died on Monday. He was a diabetic but most likely died of a heart attack, they said (just like Sean.) Of course they are shocked and devastated, but they have so much faith. She told me that the night he died (before she knew) she had alot of trouble sleeping, and that's unusual for her. She was just kind of pacing around feeling very restless. But then she said she felt her Mom's, Dad's and youngest son's presense (they have all passed.) She said she felt them all around her, and it was very comforting and warm like a blanket. She was able to sleep then. It was the next morning that he found out about her son. She believes that her loved ones were trying to prepare her and comfort her, because they knew. Also the next night, one of her other sons had a dream about his brother. He has MS and has been in a wheelchair for years. In his dream he was in the woods, got out of his wheelchair and walked perfectly to a house in the woods. When he got there, a man opened the door and told him how great he looked. He said, "Yea but I better get my wheelchair." The man said, "No, you can walk perfect, you don't need it." He said there were many people in the house, then he saw his brother who had just died. He said he told him "Don't worry, It's so beautiful where I am and I am happy." Just wanted to share that with you all. Love, Laurie

Hi Lori, I hope you are feeling a little bit better. It sounds like you took such good care of your Mom, and I'm sure she was so appreciative of that. She knows how much you love her, or you would'nt have taken care of her. Of course you would get frustrated sometimes, anyone would! You must have been so exhausted with her care and your boys, husband and housework. I honestly can't even imagine being able to do that. But you did it for her, and you are an amazing woman! She knows it, and she knows how much you love her. I hope you feel better. Love, Laurie

Thank you to everyone who wrote. You are all so caring, I'm very lucky to have met you all. I'm trying today, I'm still crying alot, but I'm asking God to help me understand. And I keep talking to Sean and telling him everything I wish I would have told him when he was here. I hope he hears me, and knows how much I love him. I'm going to the church tonight, the one we where we had the mass. They are having a mass for the Knights of Columbus members, who have passed. Sean was a member. So I think it will be hard being in the church because the last time I was there was for his service, but I'm going to try to really listen to what Father Scott is saying. I'm really trying hard to understand and believe everything. I have been reading a book about the purpose of life and I pray every night to God and to Sean. Thank You All, Love, Laurie

I just wanted to say hello to everyone. I haven't written in a few days, but I am still reading. I'm having a really hard time. I just can't stop crying and the sadness is just so strong. It just seems that the more time that passes, I just miss him more and more. Sunday was four weeks and I just can't stand it anymore. All I want is Sean, I just want him back, I need him here with me. Nothing has any meaning to me without him. Everything that happens, with work or the kids or anything, the first thing I want to do is tell Sean about it and I can't. Everyone says life goes on, and that I'll be happy again someday. I don't think so. I just feel like I wish I would die so I could be with him, but then I'd be leaving my boys. So, I'm just here and I'm so sad and lonely without him. I hate going to bed alone. Sometimes I can almost convince myself that it's not true, that it's only a dream or something. There is nobody else like my Sean, he's so sweet and funny with the most beautiful green eyes that looked at me with so much love. He loves all different music and he even wrote me a beautiful love song and played it on his guitar for me. He always told me I was beautiful, even when I looked horrible. And he always laughed at me and thought I was so cute and funny. I never met anyone more friendly or lovable, he ran into friends everywhere we went. He would try to help anyone and never look down on them. He was so forgiving and loving and patient with me. He got excited about everything, from sports to his car, to painting the house. What a great personality, so happy and enthusiastic about things. He took such pride in the lawn and pool, and his solar pool heater he "invented" and designed and built himself. He was so good to my boys and he took such good care of us, he kept us safe. He wasn't much of a "pet person" before he moved in, but it wasn't long before he was surrounded by dogs and cats, giving them hugs and kisses and baby-talking them, slipping them special treats. I love and miss him so much, I just can't imagine living the rest of my life without him. Love, Laurie

That is such a shame that your husbands family cut you off like that. I can relate to the financial strain (so can alot of others here) I think that makes it so much harder, when all you want to do is crawl into bed. The stress of all the paperwork and money worries is so hard, and really overwhelming at a time like this. It makes me feel so alone and scared. I guess you had your first real good cry when I did, at about three and a half weeks. And I cried for 2 days straight. We are on the same time frame, and I think maybe the shock is starting to wear off. I realized this afternoon, that exactly one month ago today was the last time I saw Sean alive. I can't believe he hasn't been here for a month, I miss him so much. I'm glad you are close with your Mom, it's great that she helped you and is there for you now. What is your name? and your husbands name? Keep writing, we are all in this together. Love, Laurie

Yea Kelly, It is these special moments, like the stars that help so much. It makes me feel like we still have a connection. Thanks, Love Laurie

I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. I lost my fiancee just 2 days earlier, on Oct. 8th. Believe me, I'm not even close to "getting on with it." I'm not even sure if the shock has worn off yet. Like Kelly said, It's so good that you are here with us. It really does help alot to write, and to have others who understand just what you're going through. I know it's so hard. Writing your feelings out does help, I also "talk" to Sean (my fiancee) alot. It helps me somehow. I tell him how I'm feeling, lots of things, and I always talk to him as I'm falling asleep. Some days are not that bad, some are so horrible. I think that over time, there will be less and less bad days and mostly good ones with only happy memories. Take care, Laurie

KellyMarie, You're right, this stuff does seem to make grief much harder. I can't help thinking how different things might have been... if I hadn't been so tough, so stubborn and bitter. Boy I really made it hard on him. It's amazing he stuck around for all my rants and insults. I was really awful sometimes, but he never gave up hope that we'd get over the past and be happy again. My engagement ring is a 3 stone past, present, future ring. And I can remember telling him that he should just get me a 2 stone ring, because I didn't want to remember our past. It takes alot to make me mad, but when I get there--- I can be a real bitch! I just never stopped punishing him for hurting me. I guess there's no sense dwelling on that now, all I can do is learn how to be a better person. To be more understanding, forgiving, sympathetic. I wish I could have known these feelings then. Speaking of my ring... Every night from my deck, I always notice a star constellation above my house. It's 3 stars straight in a row, and it always makes me think of "past, present, future" like my ring. Last night I noticed the sky was full of clouds, but I could still see those 3 stars. Those were the only ones not covered by the clouds. I like to think it was Sean's way of letting me know that he knows I'm wearing his ring again. I hope so... Love, Laurie

Thank you for writing Maylissa, I know our losses are different. But like you said, grief is grief. I do read your posts, and I feel the pain you're in. I also understand because I am also an animal lover. I have quite a collection. My 3 dogs, Maggie, Jack and Jenna, my cat Tommy, and a cockateil, J-Bird. There have been also many hurt or abandoned wild animals I nursed. Squirrels, rabbits, birds and I know the pain when one doesn't make it. My boys each got a dog (from the shelter) for thier 3rd birthdays. They picked them out themselves, and each boy/dog relationship is extremely close and special. My oldest boy Brendan's dog, Maggie is almost 15 yr. old now, and starting to show it. I really worry about her, and how Brendan will handle it when her time comes. Bobby's dog, Jack is 9 yr. old, and still pretty spunky. Jenna is my son Sean's dog, a big goofy lovable yellow lab mix. She's 5 yr's old, but still thinks she's a puppy. Last year, our cat Trixie died. It was especially hard on Bobby. He picked her out at the shelter, he passed up all the cute little kittens for this sickly older cat who had been a stray. But he loved her, and she loved him. He carried a picture of her around for quite a while after she died. My youngest son, Sean asked me yesterday, "Is Big Sean in Heaven with Trixie now?" I said yes he is, and they are our guardian angels. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about all of my little furry, four-legged loves. And that I understand your feelings for Nissa. Love, Laurie

It's ironic that I came back on and saw this topic. This is the first I knew of this thread, but I went back and read the whole thing. I can definitley relate, although my story is a little different. A few years back, I had found out that Sean had an ongoing thing with his ex girlfriend. It was the first time he was in the hospital with his pancreatitis. I had spent all day with him there, even climbing into the bed to snuggle with him. I didn't think anything at the time, of his worrying about me getting him his cell phone. Well I got home that day, signed onto my computer, and noticed that he had never signed off. I looked at his mail and saw several love letters. I called him at the hospital, and he tried to lie about it, called to warn her I'd be calling blah blah blah. Turns out they hadn't physically been together since he'd been with me, but not for his lack of trying. She refused to meet with him because he was with me. But they did talk on the phone and computer with lots of love and sex talk. This devastated me so much I thought I'd die of heartbreak. Every time he was hospitalized after that, it all came back to me... visiting him throughout those first few days of finding out, making him call her in front of me, wanting to scream at him-- but it was a hospital room (with a roommate) Anyway, (I know, this is very long) I feel like I need to get it out. So I didn't want to lose him, and I remember I kept saying, "It's just you and me right?" And although it was hard and I was so hurt and sad and mad, I tried to forgive him... Five months later, he was having an online affair with a 22 yr. old girl. (He lied about his age) I threw him out, took him back, over and over. I actually broke my thumb by punching him. I never forgave him after that. I always loved him, but I never trusted or believed him again. It hurt him so much. He begged for my forgiveness, but I said, "I can't." We had some happy loving times after that and he tried so hard to get things back to the way they were before. But once in a while, it would hit me out of the blue, and I'd go off on him again. Just a few weeks before he died, I told him he had totally misrepresented himself when we met, that he made himself out to be looking for this commited relationship with a Mom of three and a mortgage, when really he was still just fooling around, flirting with lots of women, and saying whatever would get him what he wanted. I told him our whole relationship was a lie. He told me he was so sorry and never meant to hurt me. I think part of the reason I am having such a hard time is the memories of all these fights. I said such mean things to him. I tried to hurt him as much as he had hurt me, I told him he'd ruined my life. He looked so hurt when I did this, he wanted my forgiveness so much. I wish so much that I'd given it to him. I hope he hears me now when I talk to him, and tell him how sorry I am and that I do forgive him. Love, Laurie

Thank you all for reading and writing. You are all the sweetest, most caring group of people. I just can't get myself to stop crying, I could barely see to drive today. It's so bad, I could never imagine before this, that it was possible to feel this upset. I just want to crawl into bed and cry forever. I wish there was some way I could stop thinking and feeling. I think maybe the shock has worn off, I don't know. It's been almost 4 weeks. My kids all have plans tonight, so I'm just gonna go to bed. Thanks, Love Laurie

I almost hate writing this after looking at chrissy's beautiful baby. He is absolutley gorgous. But I had a really bad day today. I cried almost all day. I did all my usual things, working, driving, cooking etc. but I cried through it all. I toned it down a little when the kids were around. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like, why are we given someone to love so much--- only to have them taken away??? It seems like all I have to look foward to is when I die, I'll get to be with Sean again, but then I won't have my kids with me. Why can't I have both? I miss him so much, I have this huge lump in my throat and it's just not fair. I would do anything to have him back. I was trying to make deals with God, begging to please just give me one more chance to be with him. I just can't believe he's really NOT coming back. When is that really going to seem real? I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, like I can almost talk myself out of it being true. Like he's just on a business trip and I'm just missing him alot, and he'll be home soon. Then I almost have to try to convince myself that he's really gone, forever. I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do, I can't do this. I love him and miss him so much I just can't stand it. Laurie

Natalie, I'm so very sorry. You have been through so much for someone so young. I know how much you are hurting, but I'm happy you are here. You came to the right place. We are all here for eachother. Write anytime you want to, about whatever you are feeling. It helps to have others to talk to, people who understand. Laurie

Gaby, I like what your friend told you about how our loved ones wouldn't want to see us suffering. I was trying to think about that today, trying to imagine it was me that died, instead of Sean. And I thought how I might feel, watching the ones I love. Of course I would expect them to be sad for a while, and I know they would miss me alot. But I think after a time, I would want them to remember the good times, the love we had, laugh at some of the memories, and Then I would want them to be happy again, to love again.. I know they would always love and miss me, but I would want them to live and enjoy their lives. I think that is what our loved ones want for us. Love, Laurie

Ann, That is such a wonderful dream you had. I hope I have one like that. The more I thought about this today, I think it might have to do with the guilt I feel for not taking better care of him. The carrying could stand for caretaking. The blanket, well that day in the hospital, he only had a sheet on. I went and told the nurse I needed a blanket for him. But she brought it down herself because she needed to give him a pill anyway. I wish I would've been the one to put the blanket on him, and tuck him in. The Bruce Springsteen part? The only thing I can think of is, "The Rising" album came out the week me and Sean met. So every song on that reminds me of us in the beginning. I haven't been able to listen to it since Sean died. I hope I have a dream soon where he is holding me, I miss that the most of everything. Love, Laurie

I know exactly what you mean Patti. There are quite a few special things I'll never get rid of either. Like you, I'll be keeping sean's favorite T-shirts. He had this one, light blue and it has a few holes in it. But he wore it all the time, it's really worn in and soft. I always said, throw that thing out, it's a rag! And he always said, NEVER! he even named it "Baby Blue." Every time I washed it, I thought about throwing it out, now I'm so glad I didn't. Laurie