Laurie

As if this isn't hard enough, it's such a shame that alot of us here also have to worry about money. I knew I made too much money to qualify for most assistance, but I thought at least I would be able to get food stamps. Well I went to Social Services today and they said I make too much money. They said anything over $2100.00 a month is too much. I make $2400.00, counting child support. In New Jersey that is not a lot of money for a family of four. Especially with three sons! My mortgage is $1200.00 a month, utilities are high, and taxes in my town are getting a 17.6 percent raise this year. But they said there is nothing they can do. I did get free school lunches for the kids, that does help. The only other idea I have is help with my utilities. I sent in an application, I hope they approve it. That would be a help. I just hate to have to sell my house. My parents had it built in 1965, and when they moved to Fla. 12 yr. ago, I bought it from them. It means so much to me. Me and my brothers grew up here and we had so many friends, some who still come around. So many great memories. Plus me and Sean did so much work together, refinishing floors, painting, tiling etc. I just love it here and it's the only home my kids have ever known. But I know that eventually the money will run out. What I make is just not enough to keep making all the payments here. It's a scary and sad feeling. Laurie

Bebekat, I know I'm gonna have to decorate and shop. I don't want to at all. Usually I'm starting to get excited this time of year, like a kid. Now I hate the Christmas songs, I hate seeing the decorations. I'm really a mess today. I was pretty calm for a few days, but I'm losing it again. The stuff in my head just won't stop, all the "what if's", there are so many. I have so many regrets, I wish I could do it all over again. And I constantly think, how can this be true? how could this have happened? I miss him so much. Laurie

Oh Janie, I am so sorry to hear that. I don't even know what to say to you, except that all of us here care about you, and we will pray for you and your Mom. I sometimes think like that too. I wonder if God took Sean away from me because I wouldn't forgive him and wasn't treating him very nice at times. I start wondering if God took him away to punish me. But I think that really can't be true. I think sometimes things just happen. Janie, you made Mike's and your friend's lives better because you loved them. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Keep writing your feelings here. We are here for you. Love, Laurie

Bebekat, It is very hard to believe, but I DO want to hear that it gets better. I don't want to feel this way forever. I am usually able to keep it together now around people. I think I act pretty normal, but on the inside I am crushed. It's so hard to see couples together, like my brother and his wife. Calling eachother Honey and Dear, getting to kiss and touch eachother. It's so hard to see that. I am dreading Christmas. There are so many things I've been thinking about. Like the lights on the house, I've never done that myself. Getting a tree all alone, unwrapping the ornaments.. there are so many that will be painful to see, like "our 1st Christmas together." Waiting for the kids to fall asleep to crawl into the downstairs closet to carry all the presents up to the tree. Sneaking into their rooms to put the stockings by their beds. And then that feeling of happiness and acomplishment when you get into bed together and say, "Whew, we did it again" without the kids waking up. And then waking up together, usually by my little one yelling "Santa came!!!" I don't know how I'm gonna do this without him.

Today I went to my brother's for dinner. I felt so out of place. We usually all do our own dinner with our own families for Thanksgiving, and then all get together for Christmas. But they asked me and I didn't want to cook so we went. The kids had fun with their cousins. It was the usual, guys in the living room watching football and the women in the kitchen, cooking and talking. But I kept expecting to hear a call from Sean from the other room, yelling Honey! It was so sad driving home. Dark, raining and cold, I felt so lonely. I have never been alone before. I went right from Mom and Dad to my ex-husband to Sean. I hate it so much, I hate not having someone close to tell everything to, I hate being in bed alone. I hate not having someone to love me that way. I miss Sean so much I can't stand it. Laurie

Kay, Thank you for the tips about the prescription samples. I know I have to find some way to stay on them. I can't believe that guy told you to take off your wedding ring! I have thought about what I'll do about that, I know I'll keep wearing my ring for a long time. But maybe someday, I'll wear it on a chain around my neck. It upsets me now when people say, you're young, you'll meet someone else, you'll be ok. I don't know, I can't imagine that. Me and Sean got tattoos a few years ago. I have his name with a heart on the front of my hip, and he had my name with the same heart on his chest, right over his heart. Well I hope everone has a nice Thanksgiving. Love, Laurie

Thank you Lori, Gaby and Janie, I am glad I'll be going to talk to my friend. I hope it helps, especially the problem with my guilt. What a day I had today!!! I went to leave for work and realized I had a flat tire. I went hysterical in my driveway. I had no spare, not that I'd know how to change it anyway. If I missed work, I would have lost all my holiday pay. Well, I am so lucky to have incredible friends. My one friend drove me to work, another one drove me home. One of my neighbors took the tire off, (in the rain) My friend took me to Pep Boys to drop it off, and then back again later to pick it up. She also stopped at the doctors office on the way home, so I could pick up the prescription samples the doctor got for me. So, the tire wasn't cheap but at least I got to go to work, I'll get my holiday pay and I have my medicine now. I don't know what I'd do without my friends, I don't have much family close by, so I'm very grateful for them! Love, Laurie

Janie, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I can't even imagine 6 months, I'm only at 6 weeks. I guess you just keep going and going and one day turns into the next. I also get angry at why he was taken. My Sean was much too young too, at 43. I wish we had more time to make our relationship good again, I wish he could still be here with me, and doing all the things he loved, sigh... I wish so many things. Maybe someday we'll find out the reason that God needed them there. There has to be a reason for it, because life should never hurt this much. Love, Laurie

I went to the doctor on Monday. I felt like I needed something to help me. Friends keep saying I need to get something to help me calm down. He looked at my records and seemed pretty concerned. He said since March of 2003, I've been on and off of so many different anti-depressants. (That's when all of me and Sean's problems started.) He said you're going on 3 years of depression and have you ever seen a psychiatrist? I haven't, he thinks I should. He prescribed Wellbutrin, he said to start that and he made me an appointment to come back in 2 weeks to see if I'm doing any better. Well my prescription benefits are used up for the year, and it would cost $125 for 2 weeks of pills. So I didn't get them. I called an old friend who's a psychiatrist, she talked to me for a while and made me an appointment to come to her office on the 30th. (no charge) She also told me to start writing a letter to Sean, all my feelings, everything. She wants me to bring it when I go see her. Some days, for just a minute here and there I feel almost ok. Like maybe I'll be ok again after time. I hope those times get to be more often. I feel so sad for Sean, for what he lost. For what he's going to miss, long holiday weekends, football games, all the things he loved so much. He was so full of life, I know he wouldn't want to be "at rest", I know that probably sounds crazy, but these are the things I think about now. Well I hope everyone's doing ok. Congrats Kay!!! Love, Laurie

Gaby, I'm so sorry you had a hard weekend. I hate them too. You may be able to get that stuff back. Do you know anyone who knows alot about computers? Even if you deleted it, there might be a backup disc. It just happens that Sean's computer broke awhile ago and his cousin was fixing it. He had cleaned everything out of it. But I called him yesterday to ask if there was any way of getting it back. He said there is a backup disc that should still have everything on it. He said he's going to call me tommorrow and let me know if he was able to get it. I hope so, because we had alot on there. Pictures, emails, old IM's and even video files. Hopefully you know someone that can help you. Good luck Gaby, I know these things mean so much to us now. Love, Laurie

Chip, I'm so sorry about your beautiful daughter. It's good that you are here with us now. It helps to "talk" about things and we all understand eachother. We all have our own different stories, but they all hurt. Read what others have written and write whatever you feel. We all seem to be on a roller coaster, some days are OK some are very bad. But write either way. The only thing I can say about your wife is don't block her out. I'm sure she loves you and wants to comfort you, and I'm sure it's hard for her to see you in this pain. Just don't pull away from her to try to deal with it alone. I think if I were her, that's what I'd want--- to be there for you, comfort you, and let you lean on her. Laurie

Emmy, I'm so sorry about your goose. What an awful thing to happen. When will you be taking her to the vet? Laurie

Maylissa, That's great news. You found him a safe place to stay, and you could go visit sometimes. I'm sure he'll be happy with having other cat friends! Most important, he'll be safe, warm and cared for... thanks to you!!!, you should be very proud of yourself. You are a very caring and thoughtful person. Love, Laurie

Maylissa, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I also can never turn away from a stray or any animal in need. It's great that you are feeding the cat and letting him in when he wants. And I would say just leave food and water out for when you are away, but it's cold there huh? Do you have a way he could get into your garage while you're away for Christmas, so that he could get out of the cold? I can understand your husband and friends being worried about you, they don't want to see you hurt again. All I can say is how I think I would feel if it were me. You are who you are... and if an animal needs you, you will give it that help. Some people can turn away and forget about a hurt or lost animal, I can't and I know you can't. Just do what you feel in your heart. Love, Laurie

Chrystal, I'm so sorry about your Dad. October 8th.. my fiancee passed away the same day. It hasn't even been 6 weeks yet and it's hard to imagine these 3 mo, 6 mo, 1 yr. marks we read about. It does seem impossible and I agree with you that this is so much worse than could be imagined. I pray every night and I "talk" to Sean too. Have you tried "talking" to your Dad? Maybe telling him your feelings will help a little. Take care, Laurie

Thank you everyone, Today was so long. After work the kids had football and then boy scouts for my little guy. I just got home. Thank God you are all here, honestly I thank God every night for all of you on this site and ask him to help us through this, and to take good care of our loved ones for us. I felt like a ticking time bomb all day, like I could explode at any second. My friends at work are really getting worried about me because I only speak when I really have to and I have lost so much weight. A friend I haven't seen in a while is a psychiatrist. I called and left a message for her, I need to talk to her. I think I really need some help, maybe an anti-depressant. I just keep remembering more and more stuff, things that happened throughout our whole relationship. I can't believe how much is in my brain. I wish I could block out all the bad and only remember the happy times. Dusky, Thanks for reminding me of the bottom line--- I loved him and he loved me. Kay, I had my share of chocolate cake at the boy scout meeting! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, I have the day off and I have a ton of cleaning to do. Dog hair and laundry has taken over my house! Thanks and Love ya all, Laurie

I'm not even sure why I'm writing or what to say. I just felt worse than ever when I woke up today. I can't stop thinking about all the bad stuff and what could have been. I don't feel like I can do this. No one's like Sean, no one's ever gonna love me like he did. I can't believe I didn't appreciate all his wonderful qualities, and only concentrated on the bad. Just like refusing to put my ring back on. Would that have hurt me? no, but it would have made him so happy. I had turned into an angry bitter mean person and I hate myself for that. Why didn't I realize this before it was too late? I held in my crying all morning until all my kids left for school. But now I am losing it. I was going to call out sick and just crawl back to bed and listen to our CD's, but I'm gonna force myself to go in. I feel so selfish, here Kay wants a job so bad, and I don't even appreciate mine. And here's Chrissy taking care of a newborn baby, while grieving and everyone else here who all have their pain in different ways. What is wrong with me? I feel like a horrible person. My emotions are going so crazy out of control right now, I don't know how to do this. I'm sorry everyone, you've all been so sweet and helpful with me and I probably just make it worse by writing this stuff. I'm sorry Love, Laurie

Thank you Patti and Marty, I lit a candle on each site for Sean. I had wanted to do that, but the site I found, you had to pay for it. This was beautiful, Thank you, Love Laurie

Thank you so much Janie and Jasper, I try not to beat myself up about it too much, but it's so hard. I wish I had some of a warning feeling that day, I would never have left him. But I guess I just thought it was like all the other times... fix him up and send him home, if only I had known. Thanks Love, Laurie

Deb and Chrissy, I'm sorry you are both having such a hard time. It's not even 6 weeks for me but I always wonder, How am I ever gonna get through this? How do people do this? I never knew such pain. I had one day that I felt a little bit better and I was hopeful that it wouldn't always feel this way. That one day we'd wake up and feel happy and excited about things again. I know it seems impossible now. We all deserve to feel good again. The last few days with me I have been thinking so much. Remembering so many things I feel like my brain can't keep up. I don't know what else to say, but I think that it has to eventually get better, and remember that our guys are watching over us and they'll be waiting for us when our time comes. Love, Laurie

Searcher, Thank you for sharing your beautiful Anniversary story. You have such sweet and thoughtful daughters! Laurie

Chrissy and Derek, I agree with you both. I think alot about how much I have learned. Even though this is such an awful time, I know I'll forever be more caring, sympathetic, understanding, patient and appreciative. I feel now, as though I was very self absorbed before and it took this to open my eyes. Laurie

Chrissy, I know what you mean. You can have an "OK" enough day, then like you said, it just hits you again whenever. I have been wondering if it could almost be like a panic attack, because it all just comes bubbling up out of control and you feel like you're going to lose it. I sort of almost have a pattern going with me. I am very sad in the mornings, but by the time I get to work, I lose it-- it's really bad. After a while though of being around my friends and customers, I feel a little better. I'm always really bad on my drive home though, I hate coming home. But with my kids, I'm usually OK for the rest of the day, until bedtime comes. I hate going to bed even though I'm so tired. It's so sad and lonely, and I still have to leave my TV and light on all night. So yes, it's just like a roller coaster. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Chrissy, This has to get better eventually. Laurie Derek, You give me hope... Thank you, Laurie

Thanks to all of you, I so appreciate the time and thought taken to respond when your'e in so much pain yourselves. I know it hasn't been very long for me and I don't expect to feel "better" for a very long time. I just think it's so strange and a little scary that alot of us can't get this to sink in. I hate that sudden heartbreaking letdown I get so many times a day when I have to force myself to beleive it. You know when I think of something I want to tell Sean, or I see headlights pulling up to the house and for a few seconds I forget. Those moments when I realize, no I can't tell him or no it's not Sean's car, are so awful it's like someone just knocks you back down again and again. There are things I should be happy and excited about, My son Brendan applied to 3 colleges today. Bobby got straight A's again! And my little Sean finally found his "thing", Cub Scouts. He loves it! I want to share all of these things with Sean. I did go to the kids hockey games tonight, but halfway through the 2nd game I started thinking too much, remembering games me and Sean went to together. We always sat close on the bleachers, his arm around me, it's so cold in there. I remembered the time Sean almost got banned from the rink for running down into the game when a boy was getting beat up by a much bigger kid and the ref wasn't stopping it. That's a big no-no, no parents on the ice! Lori, I was thinking the same thing about my dream. I just wish it had been clearer, that I could remember more words and more details. It might have comforted me then. Every night before I fall asleep, when I pray I ask God to let Sean come to me in my dreams and to help me remember them. Thank you everybody, Don't know what I'd do without all of you. Love, Laurie

It's been 5 weeks since Sean's been gone. How long does it take for it to really sink in? It still doesn't seem real to me. I stll somehow expect him to come back. I just can't believe that he's gone forever, that I'm never going to see him or hold him again. I had a terrible dream last night. It's not that clear, but I know Sean was home and he died in our bed. I remember finding him and thinking I would wait until the kids left for school to make a phone call. I went back in the bedroom to see him again, and I saw him moving in the bed and knew he was alive. I got into bed with him and told him all the things I wish I had told him and just held him. I wish I could remember more, like if he said anything. I think I woke up then. I feel so alone, I have my kids but they are fine. But Sean was not thier father, they don't love and miss him like I do. I feel so alone in this, not that I want my kids to feel like I do but I just feel like everyones going about the days but me. I talk to my Mom and my sister in law and my friends, and they are great but they didn't love him. Sean's family has been very nice to me, and they call here and there but I'm not that close with them, I never got to know them very well. I am so greatful to have this site but I just feel so lonely and hopeless. It feels like life for me is over, in the sense of being meaningful and happy, but the days just keep rolling by and I just keep doing the same routine every day, because I'm a Mom and I have to. Laurie